sex

Defining One’s Kinky Self

Since my last relationship, I have been questioning my kinky identity. How should I identify myself?

Prior to my last relationship, I identified as submissive, though I always have said I’m not a submissive. There’s a fine line between the two that I’m not sure I can articulate. Some people would label me as an alpha submissive. I’m a very high-powered Type A woman outside of the bedroom in the real world. In the bedroom, though I don’t want to be in control. I want my partner to take charge. I want to be the submissive partner, but I don’t build my sexual identity around serving my partner. I’m definitely not a slave.

Yet with my last partner, I discovered that I couldn’t let him dominate me. It felt wrong. When he would try to dominate me, his “Dom” voice was terrifying. It scared me. He wasn’t a scary man at all. He wasn’t trying to scare me. He was just trying to be commanding, a role he didn’t normally take. He wasn’t completely sure how to do it. The way he tried to do it wasn’t natural for him, and it wasn’t natural for me either. Our relationship didn’t really work well as a D/s relationship. We worked better as equals in the bedroom, albeit equals where he spanked me.

I’m not a switch, though. I don’t really enjoy topping men that much. I will do it on occasion, but I don’t like taking charge. I don’t like causing my partner pain. I don’t get off on tying him up, though it can be fun to do on rare occasions. I don’t really want to top my partner and tend to steer away from men who want women who can frequently dominate them. I just don’t want to be in control in the bedroom.

So it turns out I’m only submissive for the right men. With others, it just doesn’t work for me at all and can feel completely wrong. I think who I am in the bedroom is in part defined by my partner, his needs and our dynamic. Hence, I decided change my identification to “kinkster” on Fetlife because I am definitely kinky. I’m not sure I will keep it that way, but for now, it seems like the right label.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Watersports

I’ve never really understood the appeal of watersports. The desire to pee on someone or be peed on just didn’t make much sense to me. In the case of our current President, I do understand part of his desire to have women (possibly prostitutes) pee on the bed which the previous President slept in while in Russia. The current President is a racist, and he hates everything about the previous President. In that alleged case, it’s an act of disrespect and desecration. It doesn’t seem too sexual to me, but it could have been for him.

However, I’ve always said that for the right guy under the right conditions I would try watersports. One of my past partners gave me that opportunity. He was very open from the beginning that he was very aroused by watersports. He wanted to be peed on and would have loved to pee on me while we were in the shower or tub. He was aroused by the sound of me peeing in the toilet. He loved to drink urine fresh from the source no different than some men love drinking female cum or arousal fluids.

I grilled him at first as to why these things turned him on. I truly did want to understand the “why” behind the sexual attraction. He put it in terms of boys (and some men) having peeing contests or writing in the snow with urine. I’ve never really understood the male desire to do that either, but I’m female. I managed to kind of understand the urination things if I lumped them into “it’s a guy thing” though I know some women love them, too. I’m not sure I ever completely grasped his attraction to watersports, but the bottom line for him is that it’s a very primal experience. He finds it erotic.

So I set up the conditions under which I was willing to try: I was only willing to do it in the bathtub. I was only willing to pee on him; there was to be no peeing on me. He let me know that he would love to masturbate with my urine, and I was willing to accommodate that. He indicated that he would love for me to pee in his mouth, but I told him I couldn’t do that. It just was too much for me.

Life being what it is, I got stage fright the first time we tried. I just could not pee on him. Eventually during another session I managed to pee on him, and the look of pleasure on his face was truly amazing. I will never forget that expression on his face. He wasn’t lying about how much he enjoys watersports.

However, another time when I was peeing on him, he managed to gather some of my urine in his hands and then drink it. That freaked me out and turned me off completely. It was the end of that sexual session between us. I couldn’t go on, even after he had rinsed his mouth. I was totally grossed out. This same guy had stuck his tongue in my ass and kissed me afterward, and I’d rimmed him, too. We’d both gone down each other for fellatio and cunnilingus, and there was plenty of kissing after that. I was ok with any of that. Yet for some reason, urine in his mouth just repulsed me. I still don’t know why. Urine is theoretically sterile. There are some weird alternative health treatments out there that involve drinking urine. But someone drinking my urine during sex? I just can’t do it.

I’m wondering if maybe the smell has something to do with it. I can’t stand the smell of urine. I don’t like the smell of most bodily fluids to be honest. I hate semen and am grateful for condoms. I tolerate precum only because I have to. When this guy peed in my shower with me watching because that was sexually arousing for him, it totally turned me off. I really think it was the smell that did it.

Through all of this, my partner was a perfect gentleman. He never pushed me to do watersports. It was completely voluntary on my part. He respected when I hit a limit and freaked out. He knew that I was pushing my own boundaries trying this new thing. Ultimately, though, watersports turned out to be something that is a hard limit for me. He was willing to continue our relationship without watersports, but I know for him, it’s something that brings him intense pleasure. I want him to be able to have it as part of his sexual play. This is one of those cases where polyamory could be a wonderful thing… except we’re both monogamous.

I’m glad I tried so that I know that it’s a hard limit for me. I wish I could have been able to tolerate watersports enough for it to be part of our relationship for his pleasure. However, it’s something that I just can not ever force myself to do again.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Did He Use Me?

I have only had one partner whom I only had sex with once. It’s just not my style to have a one night stand, and technically by Urban Dictionary standards, it wasn’t even a one night stand. I’m a relationship kind of gal, even if they are sometimes short-lived relationships. I still wonder about that one night fling, though.

We were friends. We had been attracted to each other for quite a while, but things never really lined up. We flirted a bit, but he was always with someone else or I was with someone else or one of us was taking a break from dating.

Then the stars aligned, and we were both single. He was bemoaning how he couldn’t get laid, and I told him I was more than willing to do the honors. After a couple of hours of talking about it, we decided, “Why not? We’re consenting adults.” And then we had a great evening of sex together. It was one of the more intimate nights I’ve ever shared with someone.

After that, he was gone. No explanation. No reasons. He just ghosted me. I sent texts and emails saying that I was ok with just being friends again (though really, I would have preferred to have been his girlfriend if that had been on the table), but there was no reply.

To me, all the circumstances say that he wasn’t using me. Would a guy who wanted to use me have a deep intimate conversation with a woman for several hours about whether or not we should have sex and how it would affect our relationship? I don’t think he would have. It wasn’t like he had to convince me. I had already offered to spread my legs for him and was desperately wanting him.

I don’t regret having sex with him because it was a great experience. I wish he was still my friend, though. I hate that he ghosted me. I hate that what was a beautiful night for me was a one time thing, never to happen again. I hate that I don’t have answers. It’s easy to write someone off by saying, “He was just an asshole,” but that’s not true. He is a kind man. I just wish he could have been open and honest with me so I didn’t end up feeling used in the end.

(Follow up post here.)

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Spanking Someone Else

Generally speaking, I’m submissive in the bedroom. I really don’t get into topping my partner most of the time. Hence, until recently, I had never spanked one of my partners. However, my partner was of the mindset that he should never do something to his partner that he wouldn’t experience himself.

Hence, one day after we’d had a fun round of sex, he laid himself over my bed and waited for my revenge on his ass. 🙂 Actually, since I’m not a sadist, I really didn’t have much desire to spank him hard. I just wanted to fulfill his desire to experience what he was doing to me.

round leather paddle

I began with my round polyurethane paddle. It’s one of my favorite toys to have used on me. It gives a nice smack which can vary widely depending on how hard my partner uses it. I gave my lover a few rounds, moving up and down his thighs and butt with a mild to moderate amount of energy behind my swats. He was ok with everything he experienced.

From there, I moved on to my mini-flogger. I’m not sure where I acquired this flogger, but I wish I did know so I could get a second one for simultaneous two-handed flogging. I had never used a flogger before, so it took several swats before I started to get the hang of it. My partner quickly agreed he understood why I said that it has a “bite” to it.

Then I upgraded to leather floggermy small leather flogger. This one has more bite than the mini-flogger because the strands are thicker and are actually leather. My lovers are very attracted to this toy because it’s fairly serious looking. It has more of a severe bite than the mini-flogger. As I flogged my partner with it, struggling to get it under control, I accidentally got the outside of his thigh along his butt. He let out a strong yelp which made me feel pretty guilty, but he assure me he was ok. However, he declined to experience any more from this implement.

Finally, I picked up the tawse which is a very simple, very innocent looking toy. It only has two fingers to it with a slit that’s barely noticeable between them. My lover had just used this tool on me for the first time that same day, and as he was using it on me, I kept telling him that I didn’t like that thing and that it was EVIL. He kept laughing at me for saying it was evil. So I gave him one solid whack with the tawse, using no more force with it than I had with any of my other toys. His response was immediate. “Holy shit! That thing is EVIL!” I could only laugh because I had already told him repeatedly that day that the tawse was evil. He now fully believed me. He also let me know that one swat with it was more than enough, thankyouverymuch!

I didn’t mind spanking my partner with these toys; I wasn’t sure I was actually going to be able to do it. However, the experience wasn’t arousing for me either. It was more of a fun game that was non-sexual. I would definitely do it again for a partner to experience what he was using on me, but I don’t have any newfound desires to start spanking other people’s asses.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

You Know Whom You Are

Some of my past lovers continue to read my blog; others don’t. I understand either way as to why they might want to and why they might not. One of my past lovers who continues to read my blog recently commented to me that I never ended up writing anything about our breakup. He was concerned about what horrid things I might say about him when I finally did. This is mainly for him, so he can see it in print:

I still love you, and I always will. You are an amazing and wonderful man. The woman who is the right woman for you is going to be so blessed to have you. I hate that I am not the right woman for you. I wish I could be. You are so honest, trustworthy, loving, kinky, and passionate. You are almost everything I need and want… except in those few areas where we both know we don’t align. And those were the deal-breakers between us.

I am so grateful to have been your lover, and I am even more thankful that you are remaining my friend. I need you in my life, and I’m glad you have chosen to stay when walking away could be the easier choice. If I had to do it again, I would, even though the pain of our breakup was terrible because we do love each other. The good with you definitely far outweighed the bad. I want every happiness in the world for you, including you being able to find that woman who will be able to fulfill all of your desires.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

My Other Famous Last Words

“I just want to cuddle tonight.”

Four hours later, there are sex toys strewn from one end of the room to the other. There’s a pile of dirty sheets and pillows needing to be washed. We are sticky messes from lube and bodily fluids. Our bodies are actually cuddled up next to each, both of us blissfully happy. But yeah, we did a little more than just cuddle.

Definitely my other famous last words.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Over, Under, Around and Through

I love wearing garter belts with thigh highs and panties. Most men are conditioned to find them sexy as hell, too. They definitely scream “fuck me” to most men I’ve dated.

But here’s the quandary: does one wear the panties over the garter belt or under it?

If you wear the panties under the garter belt, it looks so much nicer. However, with the panties under the garter belt, you can’t pull down the panties unless you unfasten the garter belts which are a royal pain in the ass to fasten in the first place. If you are only wearing a g-string (which, if we’re being honest, is just a symbolic nod to a panty), it’s possible to move it aside for pussy access or for peeing if the need arises while in this attire. If you’re wearing larger panties, however, then it’s harder to gain access.

 

If you wear the panties over the garter belt, they can be ripped down for full and easy access to everything, but I think they look strange over the outside. I like being fucked while wearing garters and thigh highs, so wearing the panties over the garter belt has lots of advantages in my mind. I just can’t get past how it looks.

 

So what’s the magical solution to this dilemma that I haven’t figured out? Not wearing panties is an option, but I like lingerie so skipping the panties doesn’t appeal to me. I also realize there are the options of scissors or ripping fabric,which while they can be sexy and fun options, they tend to permanently end the life of the panties and/or garter belt!

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com