sex positive

Little Clit, Big Labia

I find it interesting when different lovers have told me the same strange things about me or my body. It’s usually in comparison to other lovers they have had, though none of their comparisons are done in a mean-spirited way. They’re merely statements of facts. Since heterosexual women don’t often make comparisons about each other sexually, one of the few ways of finding out about oneself in comparison to women is through lovers’ other sexual experiences.

The most common comment I get from men is that I have a little clit and big labia. Having recently Googled images of women’s genitalia, I have to agree that my labia minora are proportionately much larger than my labia majora. I don’t think they have always been as large as they are; I think they grew substantially during pregnancy. However, my kids’ dad never said anything about the changes. He was the kind of guy who probably didn’t even notice. Since I wasn’t ever looking at my genitals in a mirror earlier in my life, I really don’t know for sure when my labia grew, but I know they weren’t always as large as they are now.

As for my clitoris, I was surprised when men started telling me how tiny it was. At first, I chalked it up to the perpetual social folklore that men can’t find clits. Joke after joke plays on this idea. However, most men I have been with take the time to stop the action when they can’t easily find mine and because they do want to locate it. Once they’ve turned on some lights and made a detailed examination, I almost always get the comment, “Wow! Your clit is tiny!” My general response to that is, “It may be small, but it works quite well!” and all of my partners have to agree with that after experiencing my orgasms. Given how many times I’ve heard that my clit is small, I have to believe it’s true, though I really can’t tell any difference between my clit and the pictures of most I see online.

There’s also no question to me that I’m loud during sex. I’ve actually screamed my throat raw during sex because my orgasms are so strong. It never fails that after our first time together, men who have met me through OkCupid bring up my answer to the question about whether or not I’m louder than others during sex which I have answered in the affirmative. They always say, “Um, yeah. You are definitely louder than most women.” I’m often labeled as the loudest woman they’ve ever been with. For most of them, that’s a huge turn on.

Finally, I’ve received a compliment several times about how comfortable I am with myself and my body. Most of the men I’ve had sex with in my forties realize that the more comfortable a woman is with her body, the better the sex will be for her and thus for him. They all really appreciate that I’m not afraid to have sex with the lights on or to wear skimpy lingerie for them. They love my ability and desire to explore. They all agree that the men who have turned me down just because I’m not a size 2 are losing out in a big way. It’s not the shape of a woman’s body that matters. It’s how she feels about using it for sexual pleasure.


Porn Versus Reality

Humans get themselves into trouble when they start making broad generalizations. Using a relatively non-controversial example, we teach our kids that the sky is blue. Except that’s not true. Sometimes the sky is blue. However, at sunset, it can be brilliant shades of orange, pink and purple. When it’s raining, the sky is gray. At night, it’s black. So while it’s sometimes blue, the sky is a variety of different colors at different times. And all of those colors that the sky manifests? They’re perfectly acceptable and beautiful in their own ways.

When we start making broad generalizations about sexuality, things get murky and sometimes hurtful. As a kinky heterosexual cisgender woman with a high sex drive who loves anal sex, some porn, and other activities that women aren’t “supposed to” like, I find that articles that make generalizations about women and sexuality can exclude me. I’m strong enough of a person to know that doesn’t make me less of a woman, but in my past, I wasn’t. I questioned what was wrong with me when I didn’t feel the way other women did. If “all women” were supposed to hate anal sex, then why did I love it? If I wanted to have sex more often than my male partner, did that make me a freak?

The most recent article to piss me off was one that declared “Porn Makes Men Terrible in Bed.” The author writes:

I hate porn because fucking men who have watched a lot of porn is the worst. The absolute worst. For the sake of your future partners, go easy on the porn. Many young men will watch porn more often than they have sex with other humans.  Their beliefs about sex will come from porn and not from interactions with real people.

And, the real humans who eventually have sex with suffer for it.

Most porn is about watching women pretend to enjoy sex acts that are unpleasant to them.

This article is loaded with gross generalizations that aren’t true. We can start with the fact that most men don’t ejaculate five times in a single session of sex, so using a porn star who does as an example of what men do in bed that other men might imitate just simply isn’t a good example. He is an exception to the general rule. In addition, the article’s contention that “All the sex advice out there generally tends to cycle back to the same thing: how can women get more comfortable with doing what men like?” is incredibly inaccurate. There is a lot of wonderful sexual advice out there which focuses on making sex pleasurable for all involved, not just conforming to a man’s desires. Clearly the author isn’t looking in the right places for her sex-positive information.

Furthermore, my best lovers actually were avid porn watchers. While I can’t say that my sample size and my experiences are true for everyone, I can say that they disprove the idea that “fucking men who have watched a lot of porn is the worst.” However, it’s important to note that the men I’ve fucked have been able to understand the difference between porn and reality. They know that what is important is the woman in front of them. They know that my limits and my desires are what help shape our mutual sexual experiences, not what they have seen from other women on the screen.

Some of my favorite experiences with lovers have actually come from them saying to me, “Hey, I saw this activity on a porn video I was watching; I’d really like to try it. Are you game?” Sometimes I am, and sometimes I’m not. Sometimes whatever we tried was an utter disaster that ended in laughter; other times it led to some incredible orgasms. Not all porn is evil, and not all activities shown in porn are impossible to recreate in the bedroom. Most importantly, some women really do love those activities that are being shown in some porn, and some women can have porn-type orgasms without faking.

That said, what I enjoy is not necessarily what other women may enjoy. I acknowledge that for some women, yes, porn is a big problem for them, their sex lives and/or their partners. However, their bad experiences around porn cannot be generalized to be true for everyone any more than my positive ones can.

I wish those who blog or write about sex would accept that differences abound in human sexuality. We all enjoy different things, and that’s ok. It’s the judgment about what others do or enjoy that causes so much trouble. The best policy is honest communication with one’s partner(s) about what good sex is for the two (or more) of you.