Romance

The Deception of Hollywood Sex

I believe that Hollywood does a great disservice toward American views on sex, arguably more than porn since more people see mainstream Hollywood films than porn. More importantly, most of us were watching Hollywood films at a younger age, and the sex scenes we were seeing on the big screen, while not explicit, were still some of our first impressions of what sex is “supposed” to be.

Think about it. What does the stereotypical Hollywood sex/love scene look like? For starters, it’s heterosexual. A man and a woman, both of whom have perfect bodies, are coming together to celebrate their deep and passionate love for each other. In rare cases, it’s carnal lust, but most often, the myth of “one true love” is part of the scene. There are almost always candles setting the scene and romantic music in the background. Birth control and condoms aren’t discussed or used. The couple’s movements flow, almost dance-like. Everything happens smoothly and sensuously. There’s very little foreplay, and yet the woman will reach orgasm. The scene will likely end with the simultaneous climax of both partners during penis-in-vagina sex.

After so many years of watching movies like Dirty Dancing and other romantic chic flicks as a teenager, I certainly had very set expectations of what things would be like when I finally got to have sex. As one might expect, I was sorely disappointed by the reality.

Let’s start with the literal mess that sex creates. Nowhere in Hollywood sex scenes is there a mess. Whether it’s sweat, semen, arousal fluid, squirting, menstrual blood or lube causing the mess, sex is inherently messy. In the Hollywood sex scenes, no one breaks a sweat and no one fumbles lube because of slippery hands. No one ends up in a cold wet spot on the bed. Hollywood sex is very sterile. In the real world? Not so much.

Real world sex is also not choreographed, but the sex scenes in the movies are very much pre-planned though most young people watching don’t realize this. The movie sex scenes involve days of rehearsal, hours of practice, and dozens of cuts. The actors involved don’t just hook up with the camera rolling. Hollywood sex is a staged, choreographed, intricately planned scene that in no way resembles what happens in most people’s bedrooms.

In the sex that most of us have, arms and legs often become problematic. It sometimes seems like there is an extra octopus involved even though you know there are (usually) only four arms and four legs. Human arms really need to be detachable at times because they get in the way or get uncomfortable being underneath a partner. Legs sometimes end up in weird positions. Knees and elbows often bump partners unintentionally in painful and sometimes sensitive places. Bodies will sometimes make unexpected and indelicate noises that are far from romantic and definitely aren’t something that would show up in a Hollywood sex scene.

Most of all, our bodies are imperfect. We have scars, stretch marks, and fat. Most of us don’t have a six pack. Our skin is not necessarily smooth. We have moles, acne, bacne, and skin tags. Our breasts sag. Our hair falls out or grows in places we don’t want it. Our bodies aren’t perfect, and yet at the same time they are amazing bodies that can give us immense pleasure.

And then there are the orgasms. While simultaneous climax does happen, it’s not the most common occurrence during sex. More importantly, sex is a lot more than penis-in-vagina which is what Hollywood glorifies. What most people term foreplay is actually sex, especially for women. Only 25% of women are able to have orgasms from penetrative vaginal sex, so for the other 75%, the Hollywood scenes are a complete mythology. Oral sex and manual sex are very common ways of helping partners reach orgasm, but rarely are those shown in the mainstream. Instead, Hollywood is still focusing on the “ultimate” myth of glorifying the almighty penis.

Hollywood could start doing so much to open up the sexual mindset of America. We need to be seeing sex acts, even discrete ones with no revealing nudity, that aren’t focused on penile-centric sex. We need to be shown women having orgasms from having their clitorises stimulated. We need to see couples taking turns having orgasms. And most importantly, we need to see both halves of couples helping afterward to clean up the huge mess sex can make!

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Goodbye Neck Kisses

My neck is one of my most erogenous zones as I have mentioned previously. When a partner kisses my neck, it’s an incredibly sensuous experience. Some partners have learned about this from my blog, and others learn about it when I tell them in bed as we discuss what works for each of us. One partner learned unexpectedly from firsthand experience.

Most of the men I have dated haven’t been romantic types, but there was one who was incredibly romantic. I really enjoyed the experience of dating a man who was so romantic, and I hope to eventually date more. In the case of this particular romantic, our goodbye kiss on the first date turned into thirty minutes of goodnight kisses in the parking lot of the restaurant. What started as a simple beautiful kiss moved into the equivalent of two teenagers unable to control themselves while making out in public. Since we had closed down the restaurant, the parking lot was pretty much empty as we enjoyed each other immensely.

At some point, the kisses my romantic date had been planting on my lips began to wander. His lips found their way to my neck, where after a few kisses he found the sweet spot that really gets to me. As he did, I let out the squealing noise that I make when a partner hits that spot. My date stopped his kisses immediately, concerned that something was wrong because of the odd noise I had made.

“What’s wrong?” he inquired in a worried voice.

“Nothing!” I moaned back. “My neck is just very sensuous. Kissing me there is erotic, and it turns me on.”

“Oh, well, in that case then…” he replied, returning to kissing my neck as he had before making me squirm and moan in his arms some more.

By the end of that date, I was ready to jump into bed with him, but he had been clear before the date that he didn’t have sex on the first few dates. Thus, I had to wait several more dates before I was lucky enough to get to experience the romance of having him in my bed.

However, before we said finally said goodnight on that first date, my romantic man turned me around. He pulled my hair aside and kissed my neck once more. I let out a sigh of pleasure, and he made me a promise: as long as we were dating, he would always kiss my neck when he was giving me goodbye kisses. He kept that promise to me, creating a sweet, romantic, and loving gesture that I looked forward to each time we said goodbye.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Broken from Falling Again

Once again, my heart is breaking because this is how I rumble. I open myself fully without realizing I’m doing it. I fall head over heels for a guy and don’t know I have given my heart to him. I try to convince myself it’s nothing. But it’s something, and it’s always something major.

I don’t understand why my heart engages like that. Why do I have so much love to give? Why could I not love the one and only man in my dating career who has loved me the way I want to be loved?

My heart seems to jump in first, followed somewhat rapidly by my hormones. My head always clicks in a few days or weeks after when I needed it to actually be the voice of reason.

And so, once again, I’m left with a shattered heart and a desire never to love again.

It sucks.

It will pass, but in the meantime, it sucks.

Pass me the Kleenex, the chococlate and the wine, y’all.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

And Then It Was Over

Despite my great optimism about it, my most recent relationship only lasted a month. He is a great guy and has a lot to offer for the right woman. I just am not that woman.

From our first date, he began falling in love with me. He was certain that I was The One. I didn’t feel that instant chemistry to make me believe that he might be my forever guy, but I was open to seeing if it might grow.

For him, the love kept blooming. I never had any questions about his feelings for me. He was truly enamored with me. I liked him a lot, but as much as I wanted the love to grow, it just didn’t develop. Instead, the opposite happened. The initial lust I felt for him quickly faded away. I found myself thinking of him as a friend instead of a lover. I became resentful about the idea of having sex with him because it just didn’t feel right to me any more.

Once I knew that the love was never going to develop for me, I couldn’t lead him on with him hoping so much that I would eventually feel more. I just knew it would never be there. So I did what I felt was the merciful thing, and I let him know that I very much wanted to remain friends, but I couldn’t offer him more.

He told me I would never hear from him again.

While I hope that was a statement made in anger and pain, he has disconnected from me on all social networks. I know there’s a chance I won’t ever hear from him, and that saddens me. He is a great guy, and I had a lot of fun with him. We laughed quite a bit together. It just wasn’t the right romantic relationship for me.

I hope he does find the woman he is looking for. He had informed me early in the relationship that he would never date again if things didn’t work out with me, but he’d already reactivated his dating profiles the day after we ended things. I take that as a sign he hasn’t truly given up hope.

Relationships aren’t easy, but just finding a good one to be a part of is really a struggle.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

A Valentine’s Day Secret

This blog post brought to you by a bottle of red wine and a box of assorted dark chocolates, both of which were bought by me, for me.

Psst. Wanna know a secret?

I hate Valentine’s Day.

Twice a year, I let the calendar get to me a lot more than I should. Valentine’s Day is one of those two occasions. And even though it’s not even February yet, the big ol’ V-Day curse is haunting me and depressing me.

You see, I’ve never celebrated Valentine’s Day with a boyfriend, lover or partner. Never. Ever. For some reason, fate laughs at me, and I’m always single on Valentine’s Day, left alone to watch all the other happy people surrounding me as they celebrate their love for each other.

The only time I wasn’t single on Valentine’s Day was when I was dating or married to my now ex-husband, and even when we were dating he didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. He didn’t see the point. He already had me following him around like a dope because I was so head over heels for him, so why should he do anything out of the ordinary for me? He didn’t think he had to because he knew my love for him was assured. Hence, he never once bought me a card, flowers, chocolates, jewelry or even wished me a happy Valentine’s Day. Instead, it was just another ordinary day to him. I bought him cards, wrote him love letters, bought him candy and gave him flowers. He just didn’t return the sentiments.

So even though I had a partner on Valentine’s Day for so many years, I still had to watch others lugging roses from their boyfriends around campus, or in later years, posting pictures of them on Facebook with notes about how amazing their partners were. Me? Nope. Nothing to post. Nothing at all.

This year all the Valentine’s Day marketing seems to have started earlier than usual, and it already has put me in my February funk. While Valentine’s Day is still more than two weeks away, I can pretty much be assured I won’t be having kinky sex then to celebrate my love for a man or his love for me. Instead, I’ll be here drinking my wine and binge eating my chocolates. Alone.

Valentine’s Day really sucks for the singles, y’all. No matter how much “Singles Appreciation Day” spin you try to put on it, when you want to be in a relationship and aren’t, it just is no fun to watch everyone else around you celebrating their romantic love with their partners.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

I Hope You Dance

To me there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Loving someone is fairly easy for me to do. I love deeply and easily. I definitely love many of my friends and, of course, my children. Being in love with someone is a different sensation. It’s eros rather than philia, agape or storge.

I have loved many men and I have been in love with many men in my life. The love for those men never leaves. It fades into the background and no longer is so dominant in my heart, but I will always love the men who have a place in my heart even after they have hurt me deeply and/or we have parted ways.

However, being in love with another person eventually fades. It’s not just lust. It’s a deeper emotion than that. It’s the passion and excitement that we share when we are in a sexual and/or emotional romantic relationship with another human. When the relationship ends, it’s this part that usually hurts so much: letting go of the “in love” with that man before I was ready to end things between us.

For me, the way I know that I am no longer in love with a past partner is when I can be happy for them in their new relationships. I no longer wish I was with them, though I may still love the vivid memories I have of the moments we shared. However, I eventually reach a point where I am easily able to say that I am glad they have moved on, and more importantly, I am glad they have found another.

There’s no time scale for when falling out of love happens for me. Sometimes it takes weeks. Sometimes it takes years. I don’t know if the depth of my love for that man factors in. Sometimes it seems completely random as to why it’s easier to fall out of love with a man than with others. However, when I reach that point of being happy that the person is loving another, then I know I have healed from losing them in my life. I love the way Lee Ann Womack says it:

God forbid love ever leave you empty handed…
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

I have reached that point with all of my past loves except the most recent. My heart still hurts over him. I know we can’t be together again for so many reasons, but if I were to see him with another woman now, I would hurt. I’m so ready for my heart to reach that place of peace where I can honestly say to him, “I am so happy you found her and that she is making you happy again.” Each day I get closer to reaching that point. I hope that it happens soon because I truly do want him to be happy, and I want to be happy about him being in love with someone else when he finds her.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com