Kink

Defining One’s Kinky Self

Since my last relationship, I have been questioning my kinky identity. How should I identify myself?

Prior to my last relationship, I identified as submissive, though I always have said I’m not a submissive. There’s a fine line between the two that I’m not sure I can articulate. Some people would label me as an alpha submissive. I’m a very high-powered Type A woman outside of the bedroom in the real world. In the bedroom, though I don’t want to be in control. I want my partner to take charge. I want to be the submissive partner, but I don’t build my sexual identity around serving my partner. I’m definitely not a slave.

Yet with my last partner, I discovered that I couldn’t let him dominate me. It felt wrong. When he would try to dominate me, his “Dom” voice was terrifying. It scared me. He wasn’t a scary man at all. He wasn’t trying to scare me. He was just trying to be commanding, a role he didn’t normally take. He wasn’t completely sure how to do it. The way he tried to do it wasn’t natural for him, and it wasn’t natural for me either. Our relationship didn’t really work well as a D/s relationship. We worked better as equals in the bedroom, albeit equals where he spanked me.

I’m not a switch, though. I don’t really enjoy topping men that much. I will do it on occasion, but I don’t like taking charge. I don’t like causing my partner pain. I don’t get off on tying him up, though it can be fun to do on rare occasions. I don’t really want to top my partner and tend to steer away from men who want women who can frequently dominate them. I just don’t want to be in control in the bedroom.

So it turns out I’m only submissive for the right men. With others, it just doesn’t work for me at all and can feel completely wrong. I think who I am in the bedroom is in part defined by my partner, his needs and our dynamic. Hence, I decided change my identification to “kinkster” on Fetlife because I am definitely kinky. I’m not sure I will keep it that way, but for now, it seems like the right label.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Spanking Someone Else

Generally speaking, I’m submissive in the bedroom. I really don’t get into topping my partner most of the time. Hence, until recently, I had never spanked one of my partners. However, my partner was of the mindset that he should never do something to his partner that he wouldn’t experience himself.

Hence, one day after we’d had a fun round of sex, he laid himself over my bed and waited for my revenge on his ass. 🙂 Actually, since I’m not a sadist, I really didn’t have much desire to spank him hard. I just wanted to fulfill his desire to experience what he was doing to me.

round leather paddle

I began with my round polyurethane paddle. It’s one of my favorite toys to have used on me. It gives a nice smack which can vary widely depending on how hard my partner uses it. I gave my lover a few rounds, moving up and down his thighs and butt with a mild to moderate amount of energy behind my swats. He was ok with everything he experienced.

From there, I moved on to my mini-flogger. I’m not sure where I acquired this flogger, but I wish I did know so I could get a second one for simultaneous two-handed flogging. I had never used a flogger before, so it took several swats before I started to get the hang of it. My partner quickly agreed he understood why I said that it has a “bite” to it.

Then I upgraded to leather floggermy small leather flogger. This one has more bite than the mini-flogger because the strands are thicker and are actually leather. My lovers are very attracted to this toy because it’s fairly serious looking. It has more of a severe bite than the mini-flogger. As I flogged my partner with it, struggling to get it under control, I accidentally got the outside of his thigh along his butt. He let out a strong yelp which made me feel pretty guilty, but he assure me he was ok. However, he declined to experience any more from this implement.

Finally, I picked up the tawse which is a very simple, very innocent looking toy. It only has two fingers to it with a slit that’s barely noticeable between them. My lover had just used this tool on me for the first time that same day, and as he was using it on me, I kept telling him that I didn’t like that thing and that it was EVIL. He kept laughing at me for saying it was evil. So I gave him one solid whack with the tawse, using no more force with it than I had with any of my other toys. His response was immediate. “Holy shit! That thing is EVIL!” I could only laugh because I had already told him repeatedly that day that the tawse was evil. He now fully believed me. He also let me know that one swat with it was more than enough, thankyouverymuch!

I didn’t mind spanking my partner with these toys; I wasn’t sure I was actually going to be able to do it. However, the experience wasn’t arousing for me either. It was more of a fun game that was non-sexual. I would definitely do it again for a partner to experience what he was using on me, but I don’t have any newfound desires to start spanking other people’s asses.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Fluid Bonding

In the kink and polyamorous communities, there is a phenomenon known as “fluid bonding” that is held in high esteem. “Fluid bonding” is when a couple chooses not use any kind of barriers during sex and allow fluids to co-mingle. This is a sign of closeness and indicates that the couple is willing to share anything, including any possible STIs they might have.

I’ve found that fluid bonding is put on a very tall pedestal in the kink community and from what I can tell in polyamorous communities as well. It’s the biggest sign that one loves one’s partner truly, deeply, and unconditionally.

Contrary to this esteemed pedestal, I’m going to give what probably is an unpopular opinion: most couples are fluid bonded. Think about it. When you French kiss a partner, you are exchanging saliva which is a bodily fluid, one that can carry bacteria and viruses including HSV1 and 2. When a man fondles a woman’s genitals, he touches her arousal fluid and sometimes licks it off of his own fingers or makes her lick it off of his fingers and then kisses her. If a couple has sex while a woman is menstruating, even if they use a condom, it’s likely he will end up with some of her menstrual blood on his hands, legs, and abdomen. Depending on how much arousal fluid she produces, a man is also likely to end up with that all over his genital region as well.

What’s more, it’s rare for partners to use protection for oral sex from what I have experienced and heard from friends’ sex stories. I have never had a dental dam used on me, and I rarely use condoms for giving fellatio. Men directly ingest arousal fluid when giving cunnilingus. Women ingest precum in giving fellatio. Not one of the men I’ve been with who have been in their forties or fifties hasn’t leaked abundant amounts of pre-cum during our foreplay. I’ve ingested far more of it than I’d like to!

However, none of my partners aside from my ex-husband would consider us fluid bonded. Why? Because they have not ejaculated inside of me without condoms on their cocks. In the kink community, what “fluid bonded” really means is a man ejaculating inside a woman’s vagina (or in some rarer cases, her anus) without using barrier protection. The term “fluid bonding” does not really mean fluid bonding. What it actually is is an unconscious glorification of penis-in-vagina sex. Unless a man dumps his load in a woman’s pussy, they aren’t truly connected, aka fluid bonded.

The problems with this mindset are abundant and ridiculous. It raises the general STI risk as people who aren’t “fluid bonded” can still share STIs. More philosophically, it continues to promote an idea that “real sex” is only sex that involves a penis being inserted inside a vagina, and that’s far from true. Most importantly, it continues to feed the cultural male ego into believing that their semen is a sacred part of sex, and women’s vaginas and relationships as a whole are incomplete without that theoretically amazing jizz. Nothing could be further from the truth.

It would be great if “fluid bonding” was called what it really is: “semen-vagina bonding.” That’s far more accurate, and it lets people know what the true situation is. Furthermore, it doesn’t downplay other relationships which are just as “bonded” but which don’t glorify semen as what makes a relationship deep and true.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Hanky Panky

One of the local stations does a feature called “9@9” which I listen to if I happen to be in the car at that time. It’s the top nine songs from another year on that date. Today happened to be 1990, a time when my life was filled with pop music. Song number 4 on the countdown was Madonna’s “Hanky Panky.”  I was totally flabbergasted listening to it play this morning because I think it’s the first time I’ve ever heard it.

How in the hell do I not remember this song from 1990? Why have I never heard it in recent years? I honestly have no recollection whatsoever of this song, and you would think my kinky self would remember it! I never saw the Dick Tracy movie or listened to the soundtrack, and I was not a big Madonna fan in those years though I’ve come to appreciate her a lot more as I’ve aged. I’m wondering if the conservative town I lived in didn’t play it on the radio on moral grounds? How did I miss out on this kinky song?

Sometimes I really wonder what planet I’ve been living on!

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

A New Theory

My spanking fetish continues to be AWOL most of the time. I thought it was due to medication changes, but that doesn’t seem to have played out.

Perimenopausal hormone shifts may be playing in. Most of the month, I had have no desire for anything related to spanking. Sometimes I’ll get a small spike in interest when my hormones change around ovulation and my period, but most months I’m not even getting that anymore.

When I look at spanking porn and spanking erotica most of the time right now, I’m either uninterested or repulsed. They just don’t work for me. I find this puzzling at best. Even more vanilla porn or erotica aren’t working for me either any more. I desperately want to have passionate (relatively) vanilla sex with a man who wants to have sex with me, but the rest of it… eh. No interest. This is a pretty radical change for me from how I’ve been in recent years.

My newest theory is that the real culprit is the lack of sex in my life. I’m turning into a female eunuch. I’m not using it, so I’m losing it.

Seriously, this is the longest dry spell I’ve had in quite a while. It’s definitely not working for me, but I’m also unwilling to settle for a hookup right now. I’m happier when I’m in a relationship with some stability rather than just finding sex for sex’s sake. Maybe that’s a sign that I’m getting old and wise!

My blog posts will probably continue to be erratic as a result. When I do have a burst of kinky desire, I try to pre-schedule several future posts. Lately, though, I haven’t even had the interest in doing that. I really hope that will change in the near future, though.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Converting a Vanilla

Like many kinky people, I was trapped in a vanilla marriage for a very long time. Unlike many kinky people, I actually did manage to “convert” my (now ex-) husband after more than a decade of attempts. I don’t recommend taking that path. It was a lot of work, and it caused a lot of pain for me along the way.

So how did I do it? How do you convert a vanilla? My experience is that it is an arduous process. Think about a snail running a marathon or even a 100m race for that matter. There’s no way to make it faster. The conversion just took time and persistence. That’s not to say that I was bugging my ex every single day for kinky sex. Sometimes we would go years before I would bring kink up again because he had shot me down so thoroughly the last time I tried.

However, my general approach was to figure out which kink he was most likely to be attracted to. My primary kink is usually spanking (except with this hormonal crap of late…). However, spanking was a total turn off for him. He had no interest. He didn’t want to hurt me. He didn’t see the appeal. He wasn’t going to do something that “weird.”

On the other hand, this same guy loved tying knots. He had learned from his dad when sailing, so any time he got his hand on a piece of twine or rope, he’d fiddle with it, tying knots. To me, it didn’t seem like a huge jump from tying knots in rope for fun to tying up a woman using rope and knots. However, his brain couldn’t make that connection. So slowly I worked him up to it. I bought the rope and showed it to him, but it stayed in the closet because he didn’t want to use it. When I was under the influence of various legal substances and more relaxed than usual, I would get brave enough talk to him about my fantasies involving rope in bed. Then, one day, suddenly it clicked. He figured out that he liked tying knots in rope, and bondage was just tying knots in rope with a naked woman involved. I brought out the rope, and finally, after so many years of prepping, he was ready to begin exploring this kink with me on rare occasions.

Honestly, it took a sex therapist getting involved before I could get him to do anything else kinky with me. He was resistant to so many sexual acts outside of missionary position penis-in-vagina sex. Our therapist began putting pressure on him to actually try some kink as a way of improving our relationship—such a radical concept which I had been trying to get through to him for years! However, my ex was able to hear it from the male sex therapist in a way that he couldn’t hear me. I think having another man telling him that it was ok to do these things gave him psychological permission to try things he felt were taboo. In the last year of our marriage, the sex became the best it had ever been for me because there was finally kink involved. It wasn’t enough to salvage the very damaged relationship, but it was enough to make my life a little happier.

As we were divorcing, we had a few brutal final fights. One of my ex’s parting comments to me was that it was all my fault that he wasn’t going to be able to just date “normal” women now. He wasn’t going to be happy unless he was in a kinky relationship because he had learned to love bondage that much by the end. Of course, I had absolutely no sympathy for his “problem” of needing to find bondage bunnies in the future. I didn’t actually convert him. All I really did was help him become aware of what was already inside of him. What I did was help break down the barriers he had put up to kinky sex, and now he was being forced to deal with his own true sexual desires.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Violating Hard Limits

In the world of BDSM, hard limits are the things that you absolutely will not do. Hard limits vary from person to person. For instance, I’ve mentioned before that choking is a hard limit of mine. I refuse to engage in any kind of sexual asphyxiation activities, though for many others these are some of their favorite activities. In contrast, I love anal sex and am happy to engage in it, both giving and receiving. For the majority of women, anal sex is a hard limit.

When a former partner of mine violated my hard limits in multiple kinky ways, I was initially in shock. I didn’t understand how this man I trusted could do these things to me. He was a loving person toward me, so what was causing him to treat me with so little respect? When I asked him, he couldn’t explain it to me. I have since theorized that he has a fetish of violating women’s hard limits that stems back to his incredibly toxic relationship with his mother who violated his limits repeatedly. Perhaps his subconscious is taking it out on the women he dates since he doesn’t see a therapist to work on his major issues with his mother. Regardless of why he did it, though, this past partner violated my limits, and he knew what he had done was wrong in the aftermath.

The bottom line is that violating hard limits is sexual abuse. This is not something I’ve often seen explicitly expressed in the writing around hard limits that I’ve read. I’m sure it’s in part because the BDSM community is loath to associate anything they do with abuse. The vanilla world already struggles to understand how kinky people can enjoy things like spanking and bondage and how those things can be consensual and enjoyable.

Yet violation of hard limits is something that can happen in vanilla sex as well as kinky sex. The violations that this partner did to me were well within the kinky range, but I have had another past partner who violated my limits in very vanilla ways. When I told that man no, he would try the forbidden activity anyway because he didn’t really respect my feelings about it. He didn’t see why that activity was a problem for me, and his narcissism kept him from caring when his orgasm was his ultimate goal at that point.

Whether it’s done in a kinky situation or a vanilla one, violating someone’s hard limits is absolutely not ok. No means no. Yes means yes, and a yes should be given enthusiastically—a “fuck yes!” to any mutually agreed upon activity. When a partner crosses those limits, sexual abuse happens. Sexual abuse is NEVER ok. It doesn’t matter what the sexual abuse looks like. It’s a very clear violation of that person’s rights.

If a partner ever violates your hard limits, talk about it with the partner if it was a minor violation that might have come from a miscommunication. We’re all human, and mistakes do happen in the passion of the moment in sexual acts. However, if violations happen repeatedly, that’s not an accident. That’s sexual abuse. At that point, it’s time to leave the relationship if it is just a casual dating one. If it’s a marriage or committed relationship, a therapist is mandated at that point if you don’t choose to end things without further outside help. Regardless, drastic action needs to happen because sexual abuse is never ok.

I pray often for the new partner of the man who repeatedly violated my kinky limits. He says he has learned from what he did to me and has changed. Those are famous last words. Sometimes they are true. Often they are not. However, his new partner is very young—barely legal—and I know she isn’t going to have the strength to leave him if he starts sexually abusing her the way he did to me. I didn’t have the strength to leave the man who would sexually abuse me within the context of our consensual sexual relationship when I was her age. I didn’t even understand that what he was doing was abuse. Now, I’m clear on it, and no man will treat me that way again.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com