Since my last relationship, I have been questioning my kinky identity. How should I identify myself?
Prior to my last relationship, I identified as submissive, though I always have said I’m not a submissive. There’s a fine line between the two that I’m not sure I can articulate. Some people would label me as an alpha submissive. I’m a very high-powered Type A woman outside of the bedroom in the real world. In the bedroom, though I don’t want to be in control. I want my partner to take charge. I want to be the submissive partner, but I don’t build my sexual identity around serving my partner. I’m definitely not a slave.
Yet with my last partner, I discovered that I couldn’t let him dominate me. It felt wrong. When he would try to dominate me, his “Dom” voice was terrifying. It scared me. He wasn’t a scary man at all. He wasn’t trying to scare me. He was just trying to be commanding, a role he didn’t normally take. He wasn’t completely sure how to do it. The way he tried to do it wasn’t natural for him, and it wasn’t natural for me either. Our relationship didn’t really work well as a D/s relationship. We worked better as equals in the bedroom, albeit equals where he spanked me.
I’m not a switch, though. I don’t really enjoy topping men that much. I will do it on occasion, but I don’t like taking charge. I don’t like causing my partner pain. I don’t get off on tying him up, though it can be fun to do on rare occasions. I don’t really want to top my partner and tend to steer away from men who want women who can frequently dominate them. I just don’t want to be in control in the bedroom.
So it turns out I’m only submissive for the right men. With others, it just doesn’t work for me at all and can feel completely wrong. I think who I am in the bedroom is in part defined by my partner, his needs and our dynamic. Hence, I decided change my identification to “kinkster” on Fetlife because I am definitely kinky. I’m not sure I will keep it that way, but for now, it seems like the right label.