Dating

Offensive

After having recently said I don’t get as many awful messages from men on dating sites as I used to, the men in my dating market decided to prove me wrong. Somehow this one made it through the filters I have set up. The entire message was a long paragraph, and because several other things he said could reveal my identity, I’ve edited it down. However, everything he said was just as appalling as this snippet:

I’m at this time more attracted to your mind than you appearance. With that being said, I know you are intelligent enough to doll it up when you desire too soon I hope than was not offensive.

Um, yes, asshole, that was completely offensive. You just called me ugly. How do you suggest I “doll it up”? Does that involve getting a new face with plastic surgery? Because this is whom I am. If you don’t like it, that’s your problem, not mine. Being intelligent actually has taught me that I don’t need to change myself for men like you because you are just a low-life jerk concerned about his own preferences and needs being met without any concern for mine.

In case you are wondering, this guy was 18 years older than me, and he looked like he couldn’t be bothered to trim his facial hair or deal with his own personal hygiene very often. He was by no means a hot catch. He wasn’t incredibly ugly, but he wasn’t going to be on a “hottest men” list any time in the near future. He wasn’t someone who should be making judgments on women’s beauty (not that any man should be doing that directly to a woman on a dating site).

And yes, the rest of his message was as loaded with grammatical errors, comma splices, run-on sentences, and punctuation errors as these sentences. If he’s attracted to my mind, then he should know that I’m definitely not attracted to his.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Update: He Used Me

God has a funny sense of humor. That or God is the ultimate sadist. I’m not sure which.

The same day I published that last post questioning whether I had been used in my one night fling, the guy in question showed up on a dating site I’m on. He and I hadn’t met through a dating site though he’d been on some of the same ones as me before, just not at the same time as me.

Seeing him on the dating site was a blow to my heart. I hadn’t expected it to be so hard to see his profile show up. I was shocked to see him.

What really bothered me, though, was seeing some of what he wrote on his profile. He wrote things that were not what he had told me over the year we had been friends. I don’t know if what he wrote was outright lies or just another version of the truth. However, they were things he hadn’t told me. I suspect he told me the bigger truth and that what he wrote on his profile was a shallow way of avoiding the reality of his life. Still, it bothered me to see this different version of him.

The problem when you discover someone hasn’t told you the entire truth is that you question everything else they’ve ever told you. It makes you wonder if everything was a lie. You wonder how you could have been so gullible as to believe the things they told you.

Given what I read on his profile, now I really feel used. He certainly took the long and difficult way to use me, but his profile makes me feel like he wouldn’t be above it.

And people wonder why I have trust issues around men…

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Erection by Pizza

Because a few of the dating sites I’m on have changed their messaging policies, I no longer get the slew of obnoxious messages I used to get. But every once in a while one comes through that just makes me scratch my head. The most recent one was: “I was more excited to see your profile photo than pizza. And I really like pizza.”

I refrained from sending back the snarky reply, “Really? You get erections from pizza? Also, telling a strange woman that her picture gives you an erection is usually not the best way to win her favor, especially when comparing her to a piece of greasy food. Just FYI.”

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

You Know Whom You Are

Some of my past lovers continue to read my blog; others don’t. I understand either way as to why they might want to and why they might not. One of my past lovers who continues to read my blog recently commented to me that I never ended up writing anything about our breakup. He was concerned about what horrid things I might say about him when I finally did. This is mainly for him, so he can see it in print:

I still love you, and I always will. You are an amazing and wonderful man. The woman who is the right woman for you is going to be so blessed to have you. I hate that I am not the right woman for you. I wish I could be. You are so honest, trustworthy, loving, kinky, and passionate. You are almost everything I need and want… except in those few areas where we both know we don’t align. And those were the deal-breakers between us.

I am so grateful to have been your lover, and I am even more thankful that you are remaining my friend. I need you in my life, and I’m glad you have chosen to stay when walking away could be the easier choice. If I had to do it again, I would, even though the pain of our breakup was terrible because we do love each other. The good with you definitely far outweighed the bad. I want every happiness in the world for you, including you being able to find that woman who will be able to fulfill all of your desires.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Seeing His Handwriting

Previously I blogged about how I hadn’t seen any of my lovers’ handwriting in recent years. It seemed odd to me, but it was true.

My most recent lover read that blog post and decided to pop that cherry for me. One night, he surprised me by handing me a small notebook which had notes he had taken during a meeting at work that day. I looked over the notes and couldn’t make heads or tails of them. I asked him what he wanted me to glean from those notes because they really weren’t that interesting to me.

“It’s my handwriting,” he said. Oh. I was totally surprised. Here it was: a lover actually showing me his handwriting. And now that I was actually seeing a partner’s handwriting, I was in shock. I didn’t quite know how to process it. His handwriting looked nothing like what I expected it would look like.

I’m still not quite sure how to process that experience, but I am grateful that my lover was so caring that he went out of his way to meet one of my “fantasies,” albeit a pretty tame one!

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Being Claimed

I recently attended the wonderful Bedpost Confessions in Austin which I highly recommend to anyone who lives in one of the cities where they have them including Boulder, CO, and Ashland, TN. The show is a storytelling event where people present pre-rehearsed “confessions” about some part of their sexual history. The stories range from hysterical to poignant to terrifying to powerful.

In this most recent event, one of the women talked about her own insecurity around dating women now that she was no longer “chasing dick.” She was in a committed lesbian relationship where her partner had claimed her, and for her, it was scary and unbelievable that she had been “claimed.”

I, too, struggle with the concept of men claiming me. Most of the men I have dated in recent years are in it for the fucks. They’re not interested in being pinned down to one woman. They don’t want commitment. They are always looking for the next best thing. They fuck me until they get bored, and then they move on, often to someone skinnier and younger.

The men who have claimed me as their girlfriend? They terrify me. Not because there is anything wrong with them. They scare me because they treat me well. They want commitment. They want to do nice things for me. They want to be there for me when things are going wrong as well as when there’s great sex available. They see me as more than a passing diversion. They want the whole package.

I hate that I’ve become so jaded that I’m suspicious when men treat me well. I despise that I fear their love and commitment. I wish that it was easy to respond in kind when they claim me as theirs. I know my scars, physical and emotional, are part of what make me who I am, but at the same time, I wish the scars didn’t interfere with new relationships that shouldn’t be difficult.

I hope in time that when a man calls me his and claims me, my response won’t be one of fear. I hope that my reaction will be one of devotion and love. I hope being claimed will make me feel secure rather than scaring me. I want to be able to be loved as much as these good guys want to love me.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

A Breakup Text

“I’m never having sex with anyone ever again.”

This was the text I received from one of my lovers letting me know that he was ending our relationship. There was no preface. This was it. He was never having sex again. I was going to be his last partner—ever—even though he was only in his forties.

I have to admit, I was initially a little (ok, a lot) taken back. Like many people, my instinct was to blame myself for what was happening. Was I really so bad of a lover that he would never want to have sex again? I reflected on our relationship. I thought the sex we had was amazing. I couldn’t imagine it wasn’t at least decent for him. He seemed to enjoy it at the time, anyway.

The more I thought about it, I realized that this decision of his had nothing to do with me or the sex we had shared. What it actually was rooted in was his own personal problems. He was suffering from a challenge to his mental health, and the way it was manifesting was by shutting me and all other women out of his future.

I sent as gentle of a reply as I could despite my personal emotional pain: I told him that I was sorry the sex was that horrible for him because it wasn’t for me. He was able to respond to me that the sex wasn’t bad, and gradually the full story behind his decision came out. The reasons behind his decision were logical, though it’s still not the choice I think I would have made in the same situation.

In certain ways, he was one of the best lovers I’ve ever had, but right now, he can’t be with me or any woman. I hope that one day he is able to work through the issues he’s currently struggling with because him remaining celibate for the rest of his life is a true loss for both him and his potential future lovers.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com