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Little Clit, Big Labia

I find it interesting when different lovers have told me the same strange things about me or my body. It’s usually in comparison to other lovers they have had, though none of their comparisons are done in a mean-spirited way. They’re merely statements of facts. Since heterosexual women don’t often make comparisons about each other sexually, one of the few ways of finding out about oneself in comparison to women is through lovers’ other sexual experiences.

The most common comment I get from men is that I have a little clit and big labia. Having recently Googled images of women’s genitalia, I have to agree that my labia minora are proportionately much larger than my labia majora. I don’t think they have always been as large as they are; I think they grew substantially during pregnancy. However, my kids’ dad never said anything about the changes. He was the kind of guy who probably didn’t even notice. Since I wasn’t ever looking at my genitals in a mirror earlier in my life, I really don’t know for sure when my labia grew, but I know they weren’t always as large as they are now.

As for my clitoris, I was surprised when men started telling me how tiny it was. At first, I chalked it up to the perpetual social folklore that men can’t find clits. Joke after joke plays on this idea. However, most men I have been with take the time to stop the action when they can’t easily find mine and because they do want to locate it. Once they’ve turned on some lights and made a detailed examination, I almost always get the comment, “Wow! Your clit is tiny!” My general response to that is, “It may be small, but it works quite well!” and all of my partners have to agree with that after experiencing my orgasms. Given how many times I’ve heard that my clit is small, I have to believe it’s true, though I really can’t tell any difference between my clit and the pictures of most I see online.

There’s also no question to me that I’m loud during sex. I’ve actually screamed my throat raw during sex because my orgasms are so strong. It never fails that after our first time together, men who have met me through OkCupid bring up my answer to the question about whether or not I’m louder than others during sex which I have answered in the affirmative. They always say, “Um, yeah. You are definitely louder than most women.” I’m often labeled as the loudest woman they’ve ever been with. For most of them, that’s a huge turn on.

Finally, I’ve received a compliment several times about how comfortable I am with myself and my body. Most of the men I’ve had sex with in my forties realize that the more comfortable a woman is with her body, the better the sex will be for her and thus for him. They all really appreciate that I’m not afraid to have sex with the lights on or to wear skimpy lingerie for them. They love my ability and desire to explore. They all agree that the men who have turned me down just because I’m not a size 2 are losing out in a big way. It’s not the shape of a woman’s body that matters. It’s how she feels about using it for sexual pleasure.


Porn and Men’s Body Images

I have read so many articles bemoaning the fact that porn creates unrealistic ideas for men about women’s bodies. I’ve also read countless articles about how porn gives men ideas that “all women” like to do certain acts that not all women actually enjoy. The bottom line in these articles is how damaging porn is for women when it leads to men creating unrealistic expectations for and about women’s sexuality and their bodies.

However, what I haven’t seen a lot of articles talking about is the damage that porn does to men about their own body images. I can’t tell you how many men I’ve had sex with who are ashamed of their penises because of what they see in porn. They assume that they are small or undersized based on the disproportionately large cocks they see in porn films.

All of us know that it is taboo for heterosexual guys to check out other guys in the locker rooms or at the urinals. That’s just not done unless a man wants to get labeled as gay (see: rampant homophobia in the US) or be attacked for inappropriate sexual behavior. The result is that most heterosexual men are pretty clueless about what other adult men’s penises look like when they’re both flaccid and erect. The penises they’ve seen are through porn, and those cocks aren’t what the average man looks like. Some of those porn penises are actually downright scary and intimidating in their sizes!

One man I had sex with had me convinced in advance of our first sexual encounter that he had a micropenis because of how small he swore he was. When I got to actually see and enjoy his cock, I was amazed at how big it actually was. He is average length but far wider than average girth. There was absolutely nothing small about what he was packing! Still, he was worried about not being big enough for me and me judging him for it.

I don’t understand why so many men turn to me for these reassurances. Have the other women in their past histories not been willing to tell them how they compared to their past partners? Do the men trust me to be honest when they didn’t trust other partners not to coddle their egos? Is this something that men do with all their partners, seeking reassurance that their genitals are acceptable?

What I’ve heard from man after man boils down to one phrase: “Tell me I’m normal.” Guys want to know that they are at least average length. They want to know that their cocks are adequate. They want to know that even though they don’t look like the actors in porn films, they too can be good (or amazing lovers). And once again I have to state, size isn’t what matters when it comes to great sex. What matters is knowing how to use what you’ve got. The longest lover I’ve had was by far the worst because he had no clue what to do with all of his length (and it was only 8″ of length, so not gigantic). Most of the men I’ve been with have been in the 5-6″ length range– completely normal and completely sufficient to get the job done. What’s mattered far more was their ability to tune in to me and my needs rather than being just focused on their own cocks.