BDSM

Wax On, Wax Off

Almost all of the men I have had sex with have preferred a shaved pussy. I’ve heard the theory that it’s due to influence of porn on men’s minds as to what vulvas “should” look like. I can also buy the argument that they prefer not to have hair in their mouths when performing oral, though that argument loses a lot of steam if they subsequently refuse to go down on women (as too many do).

Since I’m not attached to my pubic hair style, I’m happy to style it however my current partner prefers within reason. However, as an obese woman, I find it very difficult to shave myself. I end up cutting myself most of the time even with an electric razor. It’s physically difficult to reach many spots. I can’t see what I’m doing even when using a mirror to help.

Thus, I tell the guys that I’m happy to shave myself for the first time or two, but after that I either need them to shave me or wax me. I love being shaved by my partner. It’s an act of dominance that totally turns me on. It’s also an act of caring and devotion. Some have been willing to do it (and I’ve returned the favor for them if they’ve asked though I prefer my men to be somewhat hairy in the genital region and otherwise).

However, not one single partner has been willing to wax me. They cringe at the thought. They want me to wax myself (how, I don’t know) or have someone else do it. They won’t do it. They turn into scared wimps. One of them, the most disciplinary Dom I have had, started whining at me about how he was afraid he’d hurt me. Really? You love to beat my ass red. You want me to choke on your cock when you ram it down my throat. Yet you are afraid of hurting me by waxing me?

I have never understood this bit of male logic. They want us as women to go through the pain of being waxed for their sexual gratification, but they’re too scared of the pain of waxing to help do it to us or even being around when it’s done. What a bunch of wimps. Also, see: hypocrites.

There was only one guy whom I was messaging with who I believe would have actually waxed me, though I found out he was married and that was the end of that since I don’t do married men unless I am married to them. He was the most sadistic man I’ve ever messaged with. He identified as primal, but his sexual desire for pain was more than that. He was a true sadist. He honestly scared me quite a bit with the level of his sadism, so when I found out he was married, part of me was relieved that I wasn’t going to be playing with him despite all his other appealing qualities.

So what does that say that only a true sadist is willing to help a woman wax her vulva yet all the other men want a silky smooth pussy as long as they don’t have to do the work? What is it about men and their unrealistic beauty requests of women? Why is this still the way the things are? What are other women doing to help change this?

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Playing Too Hard, Part 1

In one of my recent relationships, my partner was a relative newbie to BDSM. I don’t have a problem with dating novices because we were all new to kink at one point. There are some advantages of being with newbies in that their egos are often not rigid around believing they know exactly what to do for every single partner they play with rather than adapting for each partner’s needs. They’re more teachable! On the other hand, novices often make newbie errors which can be literally painful. It’s a risk, but it’s one I’m willing to take if the partner is right for me.

The partner in question really hadn’t done much kink with other women. He identified as a switch, but I am a sub. I don’t mind switching on rare occasion, but it’s not my preference. Thus, this partner was topping me, something he didn’t have a lot of experience in doing. He loves spanking women, so that part of our fetishes lined up well as I appreciate a man who wants to spank me.

One of his fetishes that didn’t line up well with mine was that he liked bruising and marking. I don’t. It just doesn’t work for me. I don’t mind if accidental small marks happen, but if I bruise in a large way, then my Dom has been playing too hard with me. All of my partners have been aware of this and most have respected my limits. However, for the ones who had a bruising fetish, I have found many often pushed the boundaries to see how far they could take things with me. It’s become enough of a pattern that I’m now hesitant to play with any man who has a fetish for leaving marks or bruising.

When it came to this recent partner, he had some of the hardest hands I’ve ever been spanked with. He told me ahead of time that his hand was a brutal weapon. I didn’t believe him. He was right. I truly preferred crops, paddles, hairbrushes… almost any implement over his hand. He was a hard spanker, and he meant business when he began spanking.

The one day we had been having all sorts of kinky fun which involved flogging, hand spanking, and sex. After I had cum repeatedly, for some reason I ended up getting out my hairbrush and bathbrush collection for my newish partner to use on me. The activity became a test to see which brush caused which reaction from me. My partner wasn’t hitting me extraordinarily hard, but he was spanking me after we’d already had a session of flogging and his normal hard hand spanking.

The brushes were feeling rather ouchie, to put it mildly, but I just assumed that was his arm strength combined using the brushes on me. I’d never felt anything like it with previous partners, and I was enjoying the playful session a lot. Since I was on my stomach on my bed and don’t have any kind of useful mirrors in my bedroom, I couldn’t see what kind of damage my bottom was suffering.

It turns out I was enduring a lot. Probably because I was on a post-orgasmic endorphin high, I had no idea how hard he was actually spanking with the brushes, and I had no idea how red and bruised I was getting. Since he had no experience with spanking other women with brushes, he really didn’t know what he was doing either.

After a spanking session with a partner, my bottom is normally back to my normal pale white by the time we’ve finished, showered, and cleaned up. The only reason I’ve ever seen a cover of redness is if my partner takes a picture during the session. I fade quickly for whatever reason.

This time was different. A few hours later, my partner and I were watching a movie together on the couch. My bottom was really stinging in a very painful way. I couldn’t understand why there was so much burning and stinging. I finally had my partner look, and in a pleased voice, he let me know that I had a bunch of red welts and bruises. He took a picture to show me the damage. I was not happy about it though he obviously was.

Twenty-four hours later, he took another picture for me because I was still sore. The welts and redness were still quite visible though they were beginning to fade. I was very emotionally uncomfortable with what had resulted, but I knew that this was part of playing with a newbie. I made it clear to him that I didn’t ever want to play that hard again, and since I couldn’t see what was happening or tell the difference in how it felt, I was going to be depending on him to stop the playing or shift to less damaging implements when my body was starting to mark. He agreed. He hadn’t intentionally marked me, but he also wasn’t upset that it had happened.

However, I was upset. Deeply upset. I couldn’t figure out why. It took me a few more days to realize why the whole event was so disturbing to me. It turns out it had nothing to do with kink or my current partner.

(to be continued)

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Hanky Panky

One of the local stations does a feature called “9@9” which I listen to if I happen to be in the car at that time. It’s the top nine songs from another year on that date. Today happened to be 1990, a time when my life was filled with pop music. Song number 4 on the countdown was Madonna’s “Hanky Panky.”  I was totally flabbergasted listening to it play this morning because I think it’s the first time I’ve ever heard it.

How in the hell do I not remember this song from 1990? Why have I never heard it in recent years? I honestly have no recollection whatsoever of this song, and you would think my kinky self would remember it! I never saw the Dick Tracy movie or listened to the soundtrack, and I was not a big Madonna fan in those years though I’ve come to appreciate her a lot more as I’ve aged. I’m wondering if the conservative town I lived in didn’t play it on the radio on moral grounds? How did I miss out on this kinky song?

Sometimes I really wonder what planet I’ve been living on!

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

BDSM Test Results

I periodically take the test at bdsmtest.org since my sexuality is still evolving. It’s interesting what changes and what is a bit off in the results. The latest results show that I am:

100% Brat
100% Rope bunny
97% Submissive
51% Ageplayer
50% Experimentalist
47% Vanilla
42% Slave
40% Voyeur
34% Masochist
33% Primal (Prey)
33% Boy/Girl
31% Switch
30% Rigger
19% Exhibitionist
8% Dominant
1% Pet
1% Master/Mistress
1% Daddy/Mommy
0% Degradee
0% Primal (Hunter)
0% Degrader
0% Owner
0% Sadist
0% Non-monogamist

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Violating Hard Limits

In the world of BDSM, hard limits are the things that you absolutely will not do. Hard limits vary from person to person. For instance, I’ve mentioned before that choking is a hard limit of mine. I refuse to engage in any kind of sexual asphyxiation activities, though for many others these are some of their favorite activities. In contrast, I love anal sex and am happy to engage in it, both giving and receiving. For the majority of women, anal sex is a hard limit.

When a former partner of mine violated my hard limits in multiple kinky ways, I was initially in shock. I didn’t understand how this man I trusted could do these things to me. He was a loving person toward me, so what was causing him to treat me with so little respect? When I asked him, he couldn’t explain it to me. I have since theorized that he has a fetish of violating women’s hard limits that stems back to his incredibly toxic relationship with his mother who violated his limits repeatedly. Perhaps his subconscious is taking it out on the women he dates since he doesn’t see a therapist to work on his major issues with his mother. Regardless of why he did it, though, this past partner violated my limits, and he knew what he had done was wrong in the aftermath.

The bottom line is that violating hard limits is sexual abuse. This is not something I’ve often seen explicitly expressed in the writing around hard limits that I’ve read. I’m sure it’s in part because the BDSM community is loath to associate anything they do with abuse. The vanilla world already struggles to understand how kinky people can enjoy things like spanking and bondage and how those things can be consensual and enjoyable.

Yet violation of hard limits is something that can happen in vanilla sex as well as kinky sex. The violations that this partner did to me were well within the kinky range, but I have had another past partner who violated my limits in very vanilla ways. When I told that man no, he would try the forbidden activity anyway because he didn’t really respect my feelings about it. He didn’t see why that activity was a problem for me, and his narcissism kept him from caring when his orgasm was his ultimate goal at that point.

Whether it’s done in a kinky situation or a vanilla one, violating someone’s hard limits is absolutely not ok. No means no. Yes means yes, and a yes should be given enthusiastically—a “fuck yes!” to any mutually agreed upon activity. When a partner crosses those limits, sexual abuse happens. Sexual abuse is NEVER ok. It doesn’t matter what the sexual abuse looks like. It’s a very clear violation of that person’s rights.

If a partner ever violates your hard limits, talk about it with the partner if it was a minor violation that might have come from a miscommunication. We’re all human, and mistakes do happen in the passion of the moment in sexual acts. However, if violations happen repeatedly, that’s not an accident. That’s sexual abuse. At that point, it’s time to leave the relationship if it is just a casual dating one. If it’s a marriage or committed relationship, a therapist is mandated at that point if you don’t choose to end things without further outside help. Regardless, drastic action needs to happen because sexual abuse is never ok.

I pray often for the new partner of the man who repeatedly violated my kinky limits. He says he has learned from what he did to me and has changed. Those are famous last words. Sometimes they are true. Often they are not. However, his new partner is very young—barely legal—and I know she isn’t going to have the strength to leave him if he starts sexually abusing her the way he did to me. I didn’t have the strength to leave the man who would sexually abuse me within the context of our consensual sexual relationship when I was her age. I didn’t even understand that what he was doing was abuse. Now, I’m clear on it, and no man will treat me that way again.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com