Online Dating Bloopers 9

Another week, another set of inane messages from clueless men in the dating world. This week was rather quiet compared to usual, but the messages were fairly creative.

For those who are not familiar, I only have pictures of my feet and legs on dating sites, not my face. I’m also located in Texas.

Just in case anyone wonders or worries, I change names of men who don’t have common names like Joe or John. If someone named Voltron messaged me, I would alter his name to Victor.


First, some of the generic boring messages:

“Good Morning, How are you? I’m William and you are ?” In the hour between my last logon and him sending this message, this guy’s account was deleted, probably for sending spam. So I know nothing about him.

“Hi how are you doing today
My name is Greg” He lives three hours away, and he’s a terrible match.

“hello there how are u doing”  He lives an hour away, but he’s not at all a match.

 “Good afternoon how are you doing today” He lives three hours away. His username included the phrase “lovepotion.”

Then there are the guys whose English is rather unique:

“Hello, what do you seek on the website ?” He lives four hours away, and that’s spammer grammar.

“So happy together a response your story is so open and honest I know I’m kinda wonder why the older I get know it’s will work long as we don’t worries but still think when will I get oral 69 help her toys tongues kissing swapping our wonderfully necktor yes I am oversexed on a good day I will cum 5 times. Read yours almost alike a guess i need get pics of my self . Can show butt and cock yes love to see pics of you I know we all want sex .Tell me what turns you on Stephen.” He’s local and in my age range, but his profile was as nonsensical as this message. No.

“hello beautiful!!! you shot the sky!!!! my apologies.. my name is Ryan… goodevening” He’s a native of the UK living in Germany. I still don’t know what he meant, though!

“Hello Beautiful I like your smile , How are you doing and how was your day ?Am Lawrence and how about you ? Am new on this dating site thing I found your profile very interesting and I like what I have read and decided to send you a note, hope you don’t mind. I would love to talk to you and learn more about you if that’s fine with you. I was wondering if you could read my profile and hit me back if you are interested..All good relationship start with friendship” He’s four hours away, and this is generic spam.

And then we have the guys who are clearly only interested in sex:

“Hello Nice legs…” He’s from France.

“Hi there I’m Mark. I’m wondering if we can chat about any shared interests in common from the sex questions category lol.I just like someone to talk with. I love sending pics too.would you mind?” He’s not local, and even if he was, the answer would still be no. I don’t exist to serve men’s sexting needs. Seriously, talk to me about something else first!

“Hello from Master John I like to know you better Submissive” Nothing like being objectified into a category to make me want to message with a guy. From his profile, it’s clear that English is not his first language. He also had no location listed, so he may have been messaging me from the other side of the planet.

“i m looking for a Friend and sex Partner.
A women whom hv high emotions and sexual desires and fantasies …
are u open to chat ?” He lives in Arkansas. The number of men looking for cybersex lately has been ridiculous!

And my favorite of the week:

“Would you like a cuckold boyfriend” He’s local and a decent match with the exception of his kink. I’m just amazed at how many men are unclear on the concept of “monogamous.” (If you aren’t familiar with cuckold relationships, see here.)


Squeal Like a Dolphin

One of the popular dating sites has a series of questions that users can answer to help them determine whether or not potential dates would be good matches. One of the more amusing questions is, “While in the middle of the best lovemaking of your life, if your lover asked you to squeal like a dolphin, would you?”

While this initially seems like a completely ridiculous question, it’s actually one that is very revealing and which can tell you a lot about the person answering it. Quite a few men answer, “No way!” and then go off on a rant about how ridiculous this request is. While that seems true on one level, it also shows that the men have no sense of humor and how unlikely they are to be willing to meet their partners’ needs.

The men I prefer tend to answer the question “Absolutely!” They usually follow the multiple choice answer with a free-form response along the lines of, “I’d probably die laughing and ruin the moment, but I’d be happy to comply.” This tells me clearly that the men have a sense of humor which is something vital to survival in life and which makes relationships a lot more fun.

This also tells me that this man is going to be willing to give in a sexual relationship, not just take. He’s going to be willing to meet my needs even if I want to do something completely absurd because satisfying me sexually is something important to him. That’s really important. I’ve been in a sexual relationship where my partner was only interested in meeting my needs if they aligned with his. Anything I wanted to do that he didn’t desire was completely off-limits. That made for a horrible sexual relationship, and it’s something I never want to repeat. Give me a man who squeals like a dolphin over that any day!


Disrespecting Monogamy

I am monogamous. This is as core to me as the facts that I am heterosexual and cisgender. I don’t do multiple romantic relationships at once. I know this about myself, and I know that I need to be partnered with someone who is equally monogamous.

That doesn’t mean I don’t understand non-monogamy. I suspect a very large percentage of the population is naturally non-monogamous just as a large percentage of the population is naturally homosexual and naturally transgender. It’s who we are and how we were born. I respect everyone’s rights to identify as they do and to practice sexuality as they do (as long as everyone can give consent). In return, I expect the same respect for my monogamy, heterosexuality, and gender identity.

Our liberal society often makes jokes about gays trying to convert straights because it is such a huge conservative fear. I often banter with a queer friend of mine because they haven’t managed to convert me after being friends for half of forever. They must not be trying hard enough! I have never had a gay woman try to convert me or even hit on me. It’s a non-issue and a ridiculous fear on the part of conservatives.

Yet despite the respect I experience between those of differing sexual orientations, I don’t experience it from non-monogamous men. It’s something that has gotten ridiculous. I very clearly announce on my dating and Fetlife profiles in capital letters that I am MONOGAMOUS. That seems to challenge non-monogamous men. They interpret that as a “convert me!” request. It’s not. I’m happy as I am.

If I’m willing to respect others’ rights to be non-monogamous, why is it so hard for them to respect my right to be monogamous? I’ve tried a non-monogamous situation (more than once), and it is not for me. I need, want, and crave monogamy. No matter how hard they try, the non-monogamous men are not going to change me on this one. So why can’t they simply respect that?

What bothers me most of all is the number of men lately who have lied to me about their non-monogamy practices despite me being very clear that I don’t engage in non-monogamous relationships. Do they really think that I’m going to stay in a relationship with them when I find out they aren’t being monogamous with me? I won’t. It’s as simple as that.

I’m also befuddled by the men who don’t understand the meaning of monogamy. If you are dating someone else, you can’t be monogamous with me. If you are partnered with someone else, you can’t be monogamous with me even if there’s no sex happening in that other relationship. I don’t just want sexual monogamy. I want romantic monogamy. I want emotional monogamy. I want a one-on-one relationship with one man who wants to be with one woman. Yes, we’ll have friends outside of each other, but we will be each other’s only partner. Why is that so hard to understand? Why is it so challenging to find in the kinky community?


“Just Ask Me”

One of my pet peeves is men who don’t fill out their dating profiles or who fill it out with very little information most of which is useless for starting a conversation because it’s so generic or pointless.  They then message me wanting to chat. When I explain to them that they need to complete more of their profile, they almost always reply, “Just ask me.” They also usually include the words, “I’m an open book.”

No. Just no.

If you were an open book, you wouldn’t mind filling out your profile. Instead, you’ve left it empty. This indicates one of two things:

  1. You have something to hide, often a girlfriend, partner or wife, and you don’t want her finding your profile; or more commonly
  2. You’re just too fucking lazy to bother.

If you can’t be bothered to fill out your profile, do I really think you’ll be bothered to expend any effort on me during a relationship? If you can’t be burdened to tell me something about yourself when I point out your sparse profile, do I really think you’ll be an active contributor to the relationship? No, I don’t. I think you want a hole to fuck. You don’t want conversation. You don’t want to enjoy spending time with me outside of sex. You want me to do all the work in the relationship, and you want to reap all the benefits. You just want me to think you are a god and worship your wonderfulness.

So no, I won’t “just ask you.” If you want me, you need to make an effort to show it. It’s not asking too much to expect a man to put this very small amount of effort into wooing a woman. If you can’t do even that, you don’t deserve me. I wasn’t put on this planet to serve you.


Online Dating Bloopers 8

Another week, another set of bizarre propositions and questions from clueless men in the dating world. This week was rather quiet compared to usual. I’m not quite sure why. Perhaps a pre-spring break exodus?

For those who are not familiar, I only have pictures of my feet and legs on dating sites, not my face. I’m also located in Texas.

Just in case anyone wonders or worries, I change names of men who don’t have common names like Joe or John. If someone named Voltron messaged me, I would alter his name to Victor.


“Hello” We are not a match, and I don’t respond to notes that are this brief.

“hey there how are you today” He’s a smoker and an hour away.

“Hey there. How’s your Saturday night going??” He’s 14 years under my age range.

“Id love to get to know you darling” He is looking for a 24/7 submissive who would let him control every aspect of her life. Not my cup of tea.

“good evening sweetie let’s chat” I don’t respond to messages that address me by a term of affection. I don’t know this guy from Adam!

“Hi from Scotland” I’m pretty sure the problems are obvious!

“I am matured. 47” He was in India and clearly English is not his first language. This as an opening claim of course makes me suspect that this was not a “matured” person.

“Hi!You seem interesting but I can,t tell what you look like?Do yu have Facebook or phone we can share pics.I have plenty on my phone.Mike.” He lives an hour and a half away and is a smoker. I also don’t appreciate guys who offer more pictures of themselves right away when they have plenty online: That indicates they want to share dick pics that I haven’t requested to see.

“you look amazing!! Lol but I’m sure you already know that I read your profile and honestly I think I have a lot of things you like as in I love to sextext I love to give oral more then I like to receive lol don’t get me wrong I love to receive it but I love to make a women moan and get off that is very sexy to me I feel like a lot of guys my age are just looking for quick sex and don’t enjoy the for play but I’m completely different I live for play it’s very important lol I’m a people pleaser so I’m not an asshole at all and you have a very beautiful body that I would love to explore” This is clearly generic spam. I have nothing about cybersex in my profile. You can’t see my body in the photos. He’s 16 years under my age limit and lives in Illinois.

“Would you like to have dinner tonight????” My response? “No intelligent woman is going to meet with a strange man with no conversation beforehand. You live in a city three hours away. How do you think that we could meet for dinner tonight?”

Hi.. Do you like have sex online?” This from a guy in Turkey. Nope, I didn’t have cybersex with him. I blocked him.

“Good morning” His profile reads, “Hoping to find a woman who is not hung up on relationships.” He’s married. The first line of my profile says, “Please note: You MUST be truly single/divorced/widowed for me to be interested in you.” Want to bet he didn’t bother to read my profile? My response to him: “Clearly I am ‘hung up’ on relationships, and clearly you did not bother to read my profile. That or you have balls and an ego the size of New Jersey.”

“Hi! My name is Roy 🙂
[30 minutes later] I like your boots
[30 minutes later] I wish they were off though
[15 minutes later] Actually I wish they were under my bed ‘-) “
And at that point, I hit the block button. He is from California, so my boots were not going to be coming off under his bed regardless of anything else, but we definitely weren’t a match.


Does Cybersex “Count”?

In my book, any encounter that includes genital contact and pleasure is sex. Thus, despite Bill Clinton’s protests, I believe he did have sexual relations with his intern. Oral, anal, vaginal, hand jobs, genital toys… all are definitely sex in my opinion.

So that leaves the question about cybersex. Is it sex? Does it count? When you number the partners that you’ve had, do you count cybersex partners into that number?

I’ve never counted my cybersex partners in my tally of sexual partners. There’s no STI risk. There’s no touch between us, though we certainly are touching ourselves. Sometimes (often) I don’t even know the man’s full name.

Yet part of me thinks about these men when I think about my sexual experiences. There’s something that happens during cybersex for me. I develop some kind of bond with the partner. It’s nowhere near as strong as the bond that happens during physical sex, but still, there’s something there.

Likewise, cybersex can be as good or as bad as in-person sex. A partner may or may not work well for me. Sometimes cybersex leads to in-person sex. Other times it teaches us that we aren’t great partners for each other.

A prior in-person sex partner of mine wanted to continue to have cybersex with other women while we were dating. I was mortified. I didn’t consider that a part of monogamy. To me, if he was having cybersex with other women, he was cheating on me. So in that sense, I certainly was counting cybersex as sex.

So does cybersex count? I still don’t know. In some ways it does, and in other ways it doesn’t. I don’t think most people today count cybersex as sex, but I wonder if future generations will include cybersex partners in their partner tally. “The times, they are a-changin’.”


Coping with the Lies

When I broke up with one of my past sexual partners, it was not the friendly breakup I had hoped for with him. We both knew the relationship was not going to last long because there were too many differences between us. However, we liked each other and had a good time together both in and out of bed. We decided to spend time together while things worked, and when they quit working, we’d break up amicably.

Unfortunately, he began lying to me before, during and after the breakup. Some of them were little things that didn’t matter. Others were much larger including the fact that he had started wooing his next lover while we were dating monogamously though he hadn’t had sex yet with her before our breakup. To me, though, lies are lies. Avoiding the truth is no better than a lie; in my book, they’re the opposite sides of the same coin. When I figure out people are lying to me or hiding the truth from me, I lose all respect for them. It kills the trust I have for them and ultimately destroys our relationship.

One of the bigger lies this lover told me was that he didn’t have a choking fetish. In my opinion, choking is not SSC, and it’s not something I’m even remotely willing to entertain. This is a fact that I shared clearly with this lover beginning with the very first online conversation we had. At that time, he told me that it wasn’t something he was into, but rather it was something he had just done before because two past partners of his were into it. He claimed he had to be convinced to do it but wasn’t comfortable with it.

For me, I don’t even like having my partner’s hand on the front of my throat, something I also made clear to this lover once we were involved. However, time and again my lover would try to put his hand on the front of my throat. I would remove it and redirect it to the back of my neck, reminding him I wasn’t comfortable with his actions. Despite my protests, it didn’t stop him from trying to put his hand there repeatedly. He gave me the excuse (or in other terms, the lie), “I just think a man putting his hand on the front of a woman’s neck is incredibly sexy.” Yet when we broke up, I spent some time perusing Tumblr account. There for anyone to see was photo after photo of men choking women during sex. Clearly it wasn’t just a fetish of his past partners, but he couldn’t own up to his own desires. Rather, he felt it was necessary to lie to me about his desires that were in conflict with my hard limits.

Because I live in a smaller town, I ran into another ex-lover of my ex-lover one day while out and about. I asked her to help explain this guy to me because weeks after our breakup I still hadn’t been able to understand him completely. I needed to understand why he treated me the way he did and why he lied to me the way he did. She told me that his underlying character flaw was that he was always the victim in his mind: Nothing would ever be his fault. Given that I had been married to a man for more than ten years who also loved to play the victim, I was surprised I hadn’t seen that commonality.

However, when I stopped and thought about it, I realized that her explanation made sense. Every lie he told me was one to defer the blame from himself. He couldn’t be responsible enough to own up to his own behavior. To me, that’s a major sign of immaturity. Even when he violated my hard limits, it was something he tried to excuse or blame on others. That’s just not ok. Even though I had hoped that this former lover and I would stay friends after our break up, that was no longer an option for me when I realized I couldn’t trust him anymore. The truth matters an awful lot to me, and he had shown it wasn’t as important to him.