sex

Little Clit, Big Labia

I find it interesting when different lovers have told me the same strange things about me or my body. It’s usually in comparison to other lovers they have had, though none of their comparisons are done in a mean-spirited way. They’re merely statements of facts. Since heterosexual women don’t often make comparisons about each other sexually, one of the few ways of finding out about oneself in comparison to women is through lovers’ other sexual experiences.

The most common comment I get from men is that I have a little clit and big labia. Having recently Googled images of women’s genitalia, I have to agree that my labia minora are proportionately much larger than my labia majora. I don’t think they have always been as large as they are; I think they grew substantially during pregnancy. However, my kids’ dad never said anything about the changes. He was the kind of guy who probably didn’t even notice. Since I wasn’t ever looking at my genitals in a mirror earlier in my life, I really don’t know for sure when my labia grew, but I know they weren’t always as large as they are now.

As for my clitoris, I was surprised when men started telling me how tiny it was. At first, I chalked it up to the perpetual social folklore that men can’t find clits. Joke after joke plays on this idea. However, most men I have been with take the time to stop the action when they can’t easily find mine and because they do want to locate it. Once they’ve turned on some lights and made a detailed examination, I almost always get the comment, “Wow! Your clit is tiny!” My general response to that is, “It may be small, but it works quite well!” and all of my partners have to agree with that after experiencing my orgasms. Given how many times I’ve heard that my clit is small, I have to believe it’s true, though I really can’t tell any difference between my clit and the pictures of most I see online.

There’s also no question to me that I’m loud during sex. I’ve actually screamed my throat raw during sex because my orgasms are so strong. It never fails that after our first time together, men who have met me through OkCupid bring up my answer to the question about whether or not I’m louder than others during sex which I have answered in the affirmative. They always say, “Um, yeah. You are definitely louder than most women.” I’m often labeled as the loudest woman they’ve ever been with. For most of them, that’s a huge turn on.

Finally, I’ve received a compliment several times about how comfortable I am with myself and my body. Most of the men I’ve had sex with in my forties realize that the more comfortable a woman is with her body, the better the sex will be for her and thus for him. They all really appreciate that I’m not afraid to have sex with the lights on or to wear skimpy lingerie for them. They love my ability and desire to explore. They all agree that the men who have turned me down just because I’m not a size 2 are losing out in a big way. It’s not the shape of a woman’s body that matters. It’s how she feels about using it for sexual pleasure.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

My Other Famous Last Words

“I just want to cuddle tonight.”

Four hours later, there are sex toys strewn from one end of the room to the other. There’s a pile of dirty sheets and pillows needing to be washed. We are sticky messes from lube and bodily fluids. Our bodies are actually cuddled up next to each, both of us blissfully happy. But yeah, we did a little more than just cuddle.

Definitely my other famous last words.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Amazing

My new lover is amazing. He gave me my first orgasm before my clothes were off. Our original plans actually did not include having sex that night; we had another night set aside for our first time together. Instead, we were kissing goodbye rather passionately after a pleasant dinner date. Then he began gently caressing me over my clothes while we were kissing, nowhere near my breasts or genitals, and suddenly I was orgasming in public. No one has ever done that for me before. I’m still amazed that he did. After that orgasm, there was very little that could stop me from dragging him back to my bedroom, ripping off his pants and sucking on his cock.

Of course, he seems to think I’m an amazing lover, too. There’s nothing quite like hearing your lover tell you it’s the best sex he’s ever had, and from the blissed-out grin on his face, you’re pretty sure he’s telling the truth. He says I’m the most uninhibited woman he’s ever been with. I am positive that’s the truth. Once I’m in the bedroom with someone I’m attracted to, my inhibitions disappear rapidly, and it’s game on for me. Generally speaking, the game becomes how many orgasms he can make me have before I surrender to exhaustion, and I like those kinds of games especially when there is lots of spanking, oral sex, anal play and anal sex thrown in, too.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

A Breakup Text

“I’m never having sex with anyone ever again.”

This was the text I received from one of my lovers letting me know that he was ending our relationship. There was no preface. This was it. He was never having sex again. I was going to be his last partner—ever—even though he was only in his forties.

I have to admit, I was initially a little (ok, a lot) taken back. Like many people, my instinct was to blame myself for what was happening. Was I really so bad of a lover that he would never want to have sex again? I reflected on our relationship. I thought the sex we had was amazing. I couldn’t imagine it wasn’t at least decent for him. He seemed to enjoy it at the time, anyway.

The more I thought about it, I realized that this decision of his had nothing to do with me or the sex we had shared. What it actually was rooted in was his own personal problems. He was suffering from a challenge to his mental health, and the way it was manifesting was by shutting me and all other women out of his future.

I sent as gentle of a reply as I could despite my personal emotional pain: I told him that I was sorry the sex was that horrible for him because it wasn’t for me. He was able to respond to me that the sex wasn’t bad, and gradually the full story behind his decision came out. The reasons behind his decision were logical, though it’s still not the choice I think I would have made in the same situation.

In certain ways, he was one of the best lovers I’ve ever had, but right now, he can’t be with me or any woman. I hope that one day he is able to work through the issues he’s currently struggling with because him remaining celibate for the rest of his life is a true loss for both him and his potential future lovers.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

The Deception of Hollywood Sex

I believe that Hollywood does a great disservice toward American views on sex, arguably more than porn since more people see mainstream Hollywood films than porn. More importantly, most of us were watching Hollywood films at a younger age, and the sex scenes we were seeing on the big screen, while not explicit, were still some of our first impressions of what sex is “supposed” to be.

Think about it. What does the stereotypical Hollywood sex/love scene look like? For starters, it’s heterosexual. A man and a woman, both of whom have perfect bodies, are coming together to celebrate their deep and passionate love for each other. In rare cases, it’s carnal lust, but most often, the myth of “one true love” is part of the scene. There are almost always candles setting the scene and romantic music in the background. Birth control and condoms aren’t discussed or used. The couple’s movements flow, almost dance-like. Everything happens smoothly and sensuously. There’s very little foreplay, and yet the woman will reach orgasm. The scene will likely end with the simultaneous climax of both partners during penis-in-vagina sex.

After so many years of watching movies like Dirty Dancing and other romantic chic flicks as a teenager, I certainly had very set expectations of what things would be like when I finally got to have sex. As one might expect, I was sorely disappointed by the reality.

Let’s start with the literal mess that sex creates. Nowhere in Hollywood sex scenes is there a mess. Whether it’s sweat, semen, arousal fluid, squirting, menstrual blood or lube causing the mess, sex is inherently messy. In the Hollywood sex scenes, no one breaks a sweat and no one fumbles lube because of slippery hands. No one ends up in a cold wet spot on the bed. Hollywood sex is very sterile. In the real world? Not so much.

Real world sex is also not choreographed, but the sex scenes in the movies are very much pre-planned though most young people watching don’t realize this. The movie sex scenes involve days of rehearsal, hours of practice, and dozens of cuts. The actors involved don’t just hook up with the camera rolling. Hollywood sex is a staged, choreographed, intricately planned scene that in no way resembles what happens in most people’s bedrooms.

In the sex that most of us have, arms and legs often become problematic. It sometimes seems like there is an extra octopus involved even though you know there are (usually) only four arms and four legs. Human arms really need to be detachable at times because they get in the way or get uncomfortable being underneath a partner. Legs sometimes end up in weird positions. Knees and elbows often bump partners unintentionally in painful and sometimes sensitive places. Bodies will sometimes make unexpected and indelicate noises that are far from romantic and definitely aren’t something that would show up in a Hollywood sex scene.

Most of all, our bodies are imperfect. We have scars, stretch marks, and fat. Most of us don’t have a six pack. Our skin is not necessarily smooth. We have moles, acne, bacne, and skin tags. Our breasts sag. Our hair falls out or grows in places we don’t want it. Our bodies aren’t perfect, and yet at the same time they are amazing bodies that can give us immense pleasure.

And then there are the orgasms. While simultaneous climax does happen, it’s not the most common occurrence during sex. More importantly, sex is a lot more than penis-in-vagina which is what Hollywood glorifies. What most people term foreplay is actually sex, especially for women. Only 25% of women are able to have orgasms from penetrative vaginal sex, so for the other 75%, the Hollywood scenes are a complete mythology. Oral sex and manual sex are very common ways of helping partners reach orgasm, but rarely are those shown in the mainstream. Instead, Hollywood is still focusing on the “ultimate” myth of glorifying the almighty penis.

Hollywood could start doing so much to open up the sexual mindset of America. We need to be seeing sex acts, even discrete ones with no revealing nudity, that aren’t focused on penile-centric sex. We need to be shown women having orgasms from having their clitorises stimulated. We need to see couples taking turns having orgasms. And most importantly, we need to see both halves of couples helping afterward to clean up the huge mess sex can make!

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Fluid Bonding

In the kink and polyamorous communities, there is a phenomenon known as “fluid bonding” that is held in high esteem. “Fluid bonding” is when a couple chooses not use any kind of barriers during sex and allow fluids to co-mingle. This is a sign of closeness and indicates that the couple is willing to share anything, including any possible STIs they might have.

I’ve found that fluid bonding is put on a very tall pedestal in the kink community and from what I can tell in polyamorous communities as well. It’s the biggest sign that one loves one’s partner truly, deeply, and unconditionally.

Contrary to this esteemed pedestal, I’m going to give what probably is an unpopular opinion: most couples are fluid bonded. Think about it. When you French kiss a partner, you are exchanging saliva which is a bodily fluid, one that can carry bacteria and viruses including HSV1 and 2. When a man fondles a woman’s genitals, he touches her arousal fluid and sometimes licks it off of his own fingers or makes her lick it off of his fingers and then kisses her. If a couple has sex while a woman is menstruating, even if they use a condom, it’s likely he will end up with some of her menstrual blood on his hands, legs, and abdomen. Depending on how much arousal fluid she produces, a man is also likely to end up with that all over his genital region as well.

What’s more, it’s rare for partners to use protection for oral sex from what I have experienced and heard from friends’ sex stories. I have never had a dental dam used on me, and I rarely use condoms for giving fellatio. Men directly ingest arousal fluid when giving cunnilingus. Women ingest precum in giving fellatio. Not one of the men I’ve been with who have been in their forties or fifties hasn’t leaked abundant amounts of pre-cum during our foreplay. I’ve ingested far more of it than I’d like to!

However, none of my partners aside from my ex-husband would consider us fluid bonded. Why? Because they have not ejaculated inside of me without condoms on their cocks. In the kink community, what “fluid bonded” really means is a man ejaculating inside a woman’s vagina (or in some rarer cases, her anus) without using barrier protection. The term “fluid bonding” does not really mean fluid bonding. What it actually is is an unconscious glorification of penis-in-vagina sex. Unless a man dumps his load in a woman’s pussy, they aren’t truly connected, aka fluid bonded.

The problems with this mindset are abundant and ridiculous. It raises the general STI risk as people who aren’t “fluid bonded” can still share STIs. More philosophically, it continues to promote an idea that “real sex” is only sex that involves a penis being inserted inside a vagina, and that’s far from true. Most importantly, it continues to feed the cultural male ego into believing that their semen is a sacred part of sex, and women’s vaginas and relationships as a whole are incomplete without that theoretically amazing jizz. Nothing could be further from the truth.

It would be great if “fluid bonding” was called what it really is: “semen-vagina bonding.” That’s far more accurate, and it lets people know what the true situation is. Furthermore, it doesn’t downplay other relationships which are just as “bonded” but which don’t glorify semen as what makes a relationship deep and true.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Famous Last Words

Sometimes when I am having sex, despite my lover’s efforts, I know I’m just not going to cum. When I get that feeling, I’ve always let my partner know that my body is just not responding so he should do whatever would work best for him at that point. Occasionally when my partners have shifted to do something different that works better for them, I actually end up cumming with them. Several of my past partners loved to give me (not literal) shit when this happened. “I’m not going to cum” are my famous last words that often get me laughed at by partners.

However, one of my partners reacted very differently than others when hearing me pronounce these words for the first time. His head was between my legs and his tongue was caressing my clit when I told him, “I’m not going to cum, so you should do something else that works for you.” He lifted his head, gave me an unforgettable look, and said, “Oh, you’re not going to cum are you? Challenge accepted!”

With that, he dove back into my pussy with renewed vigor. He changed up what his tongue was doing, and a minute later, I was orgasming. After I finished, he cuddled next to me with an evil grin on his face. “Not going to cum, huh?” he rhetorically said to me.

“Ok, you win that one,” I replied sheepishly.

“You sounded pretty happy to let me win, too,” he retorted.

“Yes, I definitely was. You can be right like that any time you want,” I responded, kissing him with gratitude.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com