A Threesome with Vivian

(Credit goes to an ex-boyfriend for the blog post title.)

Some Friday nights, we old folk don’t have it in us to go out partying. Ok, that’s most Friday nights, if we’re being honest. Some nights, even a sex date isn’t even in the cards because we’re just too wiped out. So at one point during our relationship, an ex-boyfriend and I settled in to find something interesting to watch on Amazon Prime. We tried watching Gigahoes, a show about sex robots, but we only made it through five of the six minutes of the first episode. It was so bad we couldn’t keep going despite the promising subject matter. We tried a few other things, but nothing was catching our interest.

Then we fell down the rabbit hole of Vivian Tries, a YouTube vlogger whose work has been picked up by Amazon for some unknown reason. The first video we watched was The World’s Biggest Ice Cream Taco.  Anytime “tacos” are brought up, the kinky immediately let their brains meander into the gutter (especially when a local taco spot has a breakfast favorite called “the dirty sanchez“). We weren’t disappointed in this horribly made episode which was filled with unintentional double entendres about filling tacos with gooey fillings. Our chorus of “that’s what she said” was repeated far too often for what was meant to be a “cooking” video.

From there, my ex-boyfriend and I moved on to intentionally chosen and sexually inspiring titles like Bake Snake or Giant Stuffed Meatballs. We rapidly approached that slap-happy state wherein things that really aren’t that funny become hysterical. Vivian’s videos really are closer to stupid than comedic most of the time. However, with the right company and the right mindset plus heaping doses of exhaustion and perversion, our evening became downright unforgettable as we laughed ourselves silly.

One of the final episodes we watched before giving up for the night (to go to bed, separately) was on the Swifty Sharp knife sharpener wherein Vivian was tackling the likes of a ripe tomato or unripe pineapple. Once again, the unintended double entendres had us in tears of laughter as Vivian declared she was “gonna glance at the instructions because it’s got a whole lot of places where you can put things in.” At another point she noted, “Oh, shit, both of my tomatoes are really soft.” Vivian’s generally clueless demeanor was emphasized as she declared that the knife sharpener “needs square batteries… I don’t think I have square batteries… shit… oh, no, my bad, it doesn’t need square batteries.” It needed 4 AAs which she goes to grab; of course, we began placing bets as to whether or not she was robbing remotes or sex toys to come up with those batteries.

The world of kinky dating isn’t always swinging from the chandeliers in a harness and ropes while fucking each other with dildos and vibrators. Some nights, it’s just curling up on the couch together to watch stupid tv. On this particular night, we were both stone cold sober, but the videos we were watching could not have been much funnier even if we were under the influence. Sometimes all it takes is the right mindset to turn a cheap, exhausted date into one of the best you have ever had.


Reviews of Dating Sites

I have been asked about the various dating sites I’ve been on in the past. I’m reviewing them in relative order of usefulness. I was looking for a man who was around 35-55, intelligent (which has included the range from GED to PhD), liberal, kinky, monogamous and a switch/dominant. I don’t match well with highly religious people either. Race, size, appearance– all of those are irrelevant to me. Fetlife says over and over again that it’s not a dating site, yet a very large percentage of people on Fetlife are looking for sexual partners, either short-term or long-term. Fetlife was one of the most productive places for me when I was looking for partners. There are still some horribly slimy, nasty men on there, but I also found quite a few really nice guys. The friend who convinced me to join told me I would find more fat-accepting men on there. Yes and no. There was definitely a lot more acceptance about people being different, but there was still outright fat prejudice on there. Almost all of Fetlife can be used for free which is a major bonus. Most major cities have personals boards (or sometimes multiple boards) to post ads looking for a partner. Yes, really! I had billing issues with them, so they lose major points for that, but as a woman, AFF was a goldmine. I’ve seen the ratio estimated as 12:1 or 16:1 men:women depending on the market you’re in. I definitely found that to be true. Men are so used to spambots on there that they are shocked when they find a real live woman who isn’t charging for sex. I found some sizeist men on there, but most of the men were so desperate for sex they didn’t care about body size. They were also willing to compromise on things that guys on other sites weren’t open to compromising on. I actually found some great men on there. One downside is that half the men use a dick pic for their profile picture which gets really old really fast. There is a filter to allow you to block some or all nudity, though, something I actually did because I got so tired of seeing dick pics everytime I logged in. If you want to message with someone, you really do need to upgrade to their paid plan, and then they start with annoying pop-ups to get you to renew beginning the day after you joined! This is the most popular mainstream dating site in my area. I talked with a lot of men on OKC, but more often than not, I ran into fat prejudice among those local men I talked to. Men who were in other parts of the country were often less prejudiced, though I certainly encountered prejudice anywhere I looked. Every single man I dated over the past few years had an active profile on OKC whether I met him on that site or not. I have very mixed feelings about OKC because it really is the lifeblood of online dating in my area, but I also had less success here than other places. There are also a lot of really awful guys here because it’s possible to use all the important features of the site without paying, but I found as a woman I liked having some of its features to block out some of the crap on the site. The majority of my dating bloopers came from OKC because so many of the men were of low quality. This was a newcomer to the online dating market in the past year, looking to fulfill the needs that Fetlife didn’t quite meet. It was dealing with growing pains from being so new. The owner of the site was very receptive to talking to members, and she was working hard on upgrades. However, I ran out of patience with men who were less than desirable. The local market was very limited, and I was tired of seeing the picture of one of my exes since I couldn’t hide his picture at that time (though they were working on adding that feature). The paid version wasn’t in existence yet, but the trial version of the paid version didn’t really add enough filters to the messaging that I wanted. I got tired of 18 year olds from Nebraska wanting to sext with me! If  you talk about the struggles of online dating in the modern era with a married person, they will without doubt ask if you’ve tried Match. At that point, I ask A) if they’ve tried Match and B) what year it was when they tried Match? Most of them say they’ve never been on it, but they’ve heard it’s a great dating site and their third cousin twice removed found her husband on Match about ten years ago. Match may have once been the leader in online dating, and it may still be great in some markets, but in my area, Match is dead. You have to pay to use the site’s messaging features. However, men do not message on Match as demonstrated by the fact that I had absolutely zero men message me on Match in six months. I messaged men and got very few results. I never got past one or two messages with any particular man. Half of the men on Match are also on OKC. The financial requirement to message means that most of the men are more career-oriented men, and that removes some of the scuzziness of other sites. However, for me, Match was a huge waste of money. This is a sister site of I hated it with a passion. I think it was designed for cell phones, and I was using it on a desktop. It seemed like it was structured around random algorithms and hookups. Most of the men seemed to be much younger. I felt like the old fogy who didn’t belong, and I quickly got off of it.

Conscious Dating Network: The Conscious Dating Network is a group of sites which all share the same database. Most of the sites are all aimed at the more natural living, liberal leaning, spiritual but not religious people. The sites in the network include Spiritual Singles, Planet Earth Singles, Natural Awakenings Singles, and many more. However, some of the sites have nothing to do with those qualities. People can buy a site using their own web domain, and by giving the Conscious Dating Network part of their profits, they share the database, thus being able to increase the numbers on their niche dating market. It’s a model I’m not fond of, but I see why it makes sense from a money and marketing point of view. Unfortunately, one of the sites in the network was one in India, so I would get messages from a lot of men in India who had no intention of moving to the US (and I am not moving to India). As with many of the other smaller sites, most of these men were on OKCupid, and many I already knew in real life. Many were looking for tantric flings or polyamorous lovers. There were a lot of very big egos on the site. They weren’t my type. Um, yeah. This name will come up, but it’s one I avoided. eHarmony has a screening process to become a member of their site. Anyone I knew who is similar to me who had applied had been rejected because they weren’t mainstream enough, normal enough or good enough looking. I decided I didn’t need rejection from a dating site on top of rejection from men on dating sites. Besides, I wasn’t interested in eHarmony’s process of matching people up rather than letting people have access to their whole database. There’s something that chemistry determines that a database can never calculate. I skipped this site completely. <<<shudder>>> This is one of the grosser dating sites for the local area. Because one can use it without paying, the population leans toward the lowest common denominator. I was totally unimpressed by the men of this site. Dysfunctional seems to be a polite word to sum them up. This is a very minor site and I wouldn’t mention it at all except I want to put my opinion out there since I couldn’t find many honest reviews about it when I Googled. This site is a zombie. It’s alive but it’s very much dead. The code works. You can register. You can pay. But no one checks it out. In a full month on the site, not one single person checked out my profile. I made the mistake of paying $20 for a one month subscription (which I canceled immediately so there would be no further autobilling) to message the one guy out of 15 local guys who had a lot in common with me. He never checked his messages or even logged on in that month because there are no push notifications for this site. I messaged the help link on the site to ask about the lack of inactivity and I never heard back. Don’t waste your time or money with this one. Ha! Did I mention I was fat and ugly? I wasn’t looking for a one night stand, either. I knew that on a site where appearance is everything that I didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell. This is one site I never ventured onto.

BBWPersonalsPlus: Given that I knew I wasn’t going to find a man on Tinder, I decided to try a site for men who liked plus-sized women. I lasted only a few days on this site. Unfortunately, the majority of men who like plus-sized men tend to be less literate and less educated than the population of men I am attracted to. After way too many messages that seemed as though the users had never taken a spelling or grammar class, I ran for the hills.



I have never liked women’s electric razors. I’ve always found them to do a pathetic job on my leg hair. I much prefer a safety razor. When I was pregnant, I was able to talk my ex-husband into using his electric razor on my legs when I could no longer see or reach them. I was amazed at the difference. His razor worked a million times better than any “women’s” razor I had ever tried.

I didn’t do much sculpting of my pubic hair during marriage. My ex didn’t care, so I had a full bush most of the time. During pregnancy, I found that too hot, so my ex would use some hair scissors to trim it back, but it wasn’t really a very neat attempt.

Thus, entering the dating world again after my divorce, I quickly discovered most men greatly preferred a shaved pussy, though a few liked a neat trim or at least found it an acceptable substitute for a fresh shave. Full bushes definitely aren’t in style for most men of my age range at this time.

After giving myself a massive amount of razor burn trying to use a safety razor to shave my pussy, I decided it was time to try to find an electric razor for the job. After doing a great deal of research on the best razor for a woman to use on her delicate parts, I selected the Philips HP6378 Bikini Perfect Deluxe Trimmer, Opal / Aqua.

Plain and simple, I hated it.

From the start, the razor blade felt horribly dull and even like it was old and previously used. It tugged and pulled painfully on my pubic hair. It seemed like it barely removed anything in the process. My boyfriend also tried to use the epilator attachment to remove hair. While it worked, it was painful. Even worse, though, was getting so many ingrown hairs as they tried to grow back in.

I’ve given up using the Bikini Perfect Deluxe Trimmer except for one task: The epilator works well for removing those pesky dark midlife chin hairs. It’s not too uncomfortable on my chin, and I’ve only gotten one ingrown hair on regrowth on my chin.

But that once again left me with the challenge of what to do with my nether regions. I returned to my safety razor, making sure to use a new blade, but I still gave myself more razor burn than I would like. Finally, I remembered my experience with my ex-husband’s razor when I was pregnant. If men’s razors were better for legs, surely they were better for genitals, too?

71nzgdxyksl-_sy679_Once again, I did my research on the internet and settled on the Philips Norelco Bodygroom Series 7100, BG2040. After charging it up, I used the trimming edge to beat back my hair to a manageable level. Then I set about shaving it. What a difference! It was like the razor was fresh and new. With no cuts, I had an amazingly smooth pussy. Upon regrowth, I only had one ingrown hair. I was so impressed.

So why, once again, is it that the men’s product worked so well and the women’s product that is made by the same manufacturer was a piece of crap? Both were the same price ($60), yet one works and the other is horrible. Why is it that women’s razors aren’t as strong as men’s? In my experience, my pubic hair is the same texture and length as many of my partners’. So why should my razor have any less oomph to it? Why should my blade not be as sharp? I can understand possibly designing different shapes to the razors since male and female genitalia are obviously different in shape. But there’s no excuse for women’s razors not being as effective as men’s.

Women’s razors need to be just as serviceable as men’s. We don’t want our razors to be pretty and pink. We just want them to do their jobs without any painful side effects!


My Favorite New Toy

71ubdc5-rvl-_sx522_(This is not a compensated ad. It’s just me expressing my pleasure and joy!)

When Hitachi finally made their Magic Wand with a silicone head plus a cord-free option, I decided it was time to invest. In the post-divorce world, my sex life wasn’t going great, and I wanted something that was less work than my old favorite vibrator. When I got my Magic Wand, I was certain I had found heaven. All of my partners who have played with it on me have quickly given up on the other vibrators I have and go straight for “the jackhammer.” It packs a punch, and it gets me off very quickly.

One of my former partners asked me if I had an attachment for the wand. I had no idea there was such a thing! While I think he was less than subtly trying to get me to buy one of the penis-friendly attachments like the Hummingbird Wand Essentials Masturbator Attachment, I ignored his requests until after we broke up. I then invested in the Wand Essentials Fluttering Kiss Dual Stimulation Silicone Wand Massager Attachment.


I didn’t think the Magic Wand could get much better, but the Fluttering Kiss attachment is AMAZING. It gives me the best orgasms I’ve ever had with a mechanical device. They’re still not the same as the ones I have with real live partners, but they’re closer than before. I end up squirting everywhere with them and needing a shower afterward. That counts as a good thing in my book!

The Fluttering Kiss attachment isn’t perfect. For my body, I’d like something that’s a cross between it and the Wand Essentials Euphoria G-spot and Clit Stimulating Silicone Wand Massager Attachment (which is the next toy on my “to buy” list). I’d like something that was angled toward my clit in a different way, but I haven’t seen anything exactly like what I want. Still, I’m incredibly happy with my new toy and plan to enjoy having many orgasms with it when I am without a partner.