Porn

Porn and Men’s Body Images

I have read so many articles bemoaning the fact that porn creates unrealistic ideas for men about women’s bodies. I’ve also read countless articles about how porn gives men ideas that “all women” like to do certain acts that not all women actually enjoy. The bottom line in these articles is how damaging porn is for women when it leads to men creating unrealistic expectations for and about women’s sexuality and their bodies.

However, what I haven’t seen a lot of articles talking about is the damage that porn does to men about their own body images. I can’t tell you how many men I’ve had sex with who are ashamed of their penises because of what they see in porn. They assume that they are small or undersized based on the disproportionately large cocks they see in porn films.

All of us know that it is taboo for heterosexual guys to check out other guys in the locker rooms or at the urinals. That’s just not done unless a man wants to get labeled as gay (see: rampant homophobia in the US) or be attacked for inappropriate sexual behavior. The result is that most heterosexual men are pretty clueless about what other adult men’s penises look like when they’re both flaccid and erect. The penises they’ve seen are through porn, and those cocks aren’t what the average man looks like. Some of those porn penises are actually downright scary and intimidating in their sizes!

One man I had sex with had me convinced in advance of our first sexual encounter that he had a micropenis because of how small he swore he was. When I got to actually see and enjoy his cock, I was amazed at how big it actually was. He is average length but far wider than average girth. There was absolutely nothing small about what he was packing! Still, he was worried about not being big enough for me and me judging him for it.

I don’t understand why so many men turn to me for these reassurances. Have the other women in their past histories not been willing to tell them how they compared to their past partners? Do the men trust me to be honest when they didn’t trust other partners not to coddle their egos? Is this something that men do with all their partners, seeking reassurance that their genitals are acceptable?

What I’ve heard from man after man boils down to one phrase: “Tell me I’m normal.” Guys want to know that they are at least average length. They want to know that their cocks are adequate. They want to know that even though they don’t look like the actors in porn films, they too can be good (or amazing lovers). And once again I have to state, size isn’t what matters when it comes to great sex. What matters is knowing how to use what you’ve got. The longest lover I’ve had was by far the worst because he had no clue what to do with all of his length (and it was only 8″ of length, so not gigantic). Most of the men I’ve been with have been in the 5-6″ length range– completely normal and completely sufficient to get the job done. What’s mattered far more was their ability to tune in to me and my needs rather than being just focused on their own cocks.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Porn Versus Reality

Humans get themselves into trouble when they start making broad generalizations. Using a relatively non-controversial example, we teach our kids that the sky is blue. Except that’s not true. Sometimes the sky is blue. However, at sunset, it can be brilliant shades of orange, pink and purple. When it’s raining, the sky is gray. At night, it’s black. So while it’s sometimes blue, the sky is a variety of different colors at different times. And all of those colors that the sky manifests? They’re perfectly acceptable and beautiful in their own ways.

When we start making broad generalizations about sexuality, things get murky and sometimes hurtful. As a kinky heterosexual cisgender woman with a high sex drive who loves anal sex, some porn, and other activities that women aren’t “supposed to” like, I find that articles that make generalizations about women and sexuality can exclude me. I’m strong enough of a person to know that doesn’t make me less of a woman, but in my past, I wasn’t. I questioned what was wrong with me when I didn’t feel the way other women did. If “all women” were supposed to hate anal sex, then why did I love it? If I wanted to have sex more often than my male partner, did that make me a freak?

The most recent article to piss me off was one that declared “Porn Makes Men Terrible in Bed.” The author writes:

I hate porn because fucking men who have watched a lot of porn is the worst. The absolute worst. For the sake of your future partners, go easy on the porn. Many young men will watch porn more often than they have sex with other humans.  Their beliefs about sex will come from porn and not from interactions with real people.

And, the real humans who eventually have sex with suffer for it.

Most porn is about watching women pretend to enjoy sex acts that are unpleasant to them.

This article is loaded with gross generalizations that aren’t true. We can start with the fact that most men don’t ejaculate five times in a single session of sex, so using a porn star who does as an example of what men do in bed that other men might imitate just simply isn’t a good example. He is an exception to the general rule. In addition, the article’s contention that “All the sex advice out there generally tends to cycle back to the same thing: how can women get more comfortable with doing what men like?” is incredibly inaccurate. There is a lot of wonderful sexual advice out there which focuses on making sex pleasurable for all involved, not just conforming to a man’s desires. Clearly the author isn’t looking in the right places for her sex-positive information.

Furthermore, my best lovers actually were avid porn watchers. While I can’t say that my sample size and my experiences are true for everyone, I can say that they disprove the idea that “fucking men who have watched a lot of porn is the worst.” However, it’s important to note that the men I’ve fucked have been able to understand the difference between porn and reality. They know that what is important is the woman in front of them. They know that my limits and my desires are what help shape our mutual sexual experiences, not what they have seen from other women on the screen.

Some of my favorite experiences with lovers have actually come from them saying to me, “Hey, I saw this activity on a porn video I was watching; I’d really like to try it. Are you game?” Sometimes I am, and sometimes I’m not. Sometimes whatever we tried was an utter disaster that ended in laughter; other times it led to some incredible orgasms. Not all porn is evil, and not all activities shown in porn are impossible to recreate in the bedroom. Most importantly, some women really do love those activities that are being shown in some porn, and some women can have porn-type orgasms without faking.

That said, what I enjoy is not necessarily what other women may enjoy. I acknowledge that for some women, yes, porn is a big problem for them, their sex lives and/or their partners. However, their bad experiences around porn cannot be generalized to be true for everyone any more than my positive ones can.

I wish those who blog or write about sex would accept that differences abound in human sexuality. We all enjoy different things, and that’s ok. It’s the judgment about what others do or enjoy that causes so much trouble. The best policy is honest communication with one’s partner(s) about what good sex is for the two (or more) of you.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com