Monogamy

Disrespecting Monogamy

I am monogamous. This is as core to me as the facts that I am heterosexual and cisgender. I don’t do multiple romantic relationships at once. I know this about myself, and I know that I need to be partnered with someone who is equally monogamous.

That doesn’t mean I don’t understand non-monogamy. I suspect a very large percentage of the population is naturally non-monogamous just as a large percentage of the population is naturally homosexual and naturally transgender. It’s who we are and how we were born. I respect everyone’s rights to identify as they do and to practice sexuality as they do (as long as everyone can give consent). In return, I expect the same respect for my monogamy, heterosexuality, and gender identity.

Our liberal society often makes jokes about gays trying to convert straights because it is such a huge conservative fear. I often banter with a queer friend of mine because they haven’t managed to convert me after being friends for half of forever. They must not be trying hard enough! I have never had a gay woman try to convert me or even hit on me. It’s a non-issue and a ridiculous fear on the part of conservatives.

Yet despite the respect I experience between those of differing sexual orientations, I don’t experience it from non-monogamous men. It’s something that has gotten ridiculous. I very clearly announce on my dating and Fetlife profiles in capital letters that I am MONOGAMOUS. That seems to challenge non-monogamous men. They interpret that as a “convert me!” request. It’s not. I’m happy as I am.

If I’m willing to respect others’ rights to be non-monogamous, why is it so hard for them to respect my right to be monogamous? I’ve tried a non-monogamous situation (more than once), and it is not for me. I need, want, and crave monogamy. No matter how hard they try, the non-monogamous men are not going to change me on this one. So why can’t they simply respect that?

What bothers me most of all is the number of men lately who have lied to me about their non-monogamy practices despite me being very clear that I don’t engage in non-monogamous relationships. Do they really think that I’m going to stay in a relationship with them when I find out they aren’t being monogamous with me? I won’t. It’s as simple as that.

I’m also befuddled by the men who don’t understand the meaning of monogamy. If you are dating someone else, you can’t be monogamous with me. If you are partnered with someone else, you can’t be monogamous with me even if there’s no sex happening in that other relationship. I don’t just want sexual monogamy. I want romantic monogamy. I want emotional monogamy. I want a one-on-one relationship with one man who wants to be with one woman. Yes, we’ll have friends outside of each other, but we will be each other’s only partner. Why is that so hard to understand? Why is it so challenging to find in the kinky community?

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

The Unexpected Surprise

Our date was amazing. It was the best date I’d ever been on. We clicked immediately. The energy between us was powerful. The conversation was nonstop. We had so much common ground. When you kissed me goodnight, I felt shivers through my entire body. I could feel your lips on mine for two hours after the date. Every time I thought about you for days afterward, I got a huge smile on my face. You were exactly what I was looking for.

Except.

Except that you have a common-law wife in another state. You just moved here three months ago, and she’s still in the previous state. When we talked about baggage we would be bringing to the relationship, you neglected to mention her. You very honestly discussed the issues about your former marriage which ended in 2009. You didn’t mention that you’ve been together with this other woman since 2009, too. I can’t help but wonder if she played into your divorce, too.

When we planned for our second and third dates, which were going to include sex, you still didn’t bring her up. It was only because I finally figured out what your Fetlife username was (since you’d failed to give it to me when I asked after you’d asked for mine) that I discovered your “little” secret. I found on your Fetlife profile that you are in a loving but sexless long-term relationship. Then I went to your Facebook profile and found it plain as day that you are in a domestic partnership with another woman. When I clicked on the link to her profile, I found a picture of the two of you kissing as her main picture. You’d been back to the old state to visit her just a couple of weeks ago. Your Facebook status shows where you went out and whom the two of you went with during that visit.

When I confronted you, hoping for some kind of rational explanation, you went silent. You didn’t even have the balls to tell me you were sorry for misleading me. You didn’t acknowledge my texts or emails.

I still can’t believe you thought I would be stupid enough not to find out. I can’t believe that you decided to ignore the “monogamous” in my dating profile. I can’t believe you don’t see her as part of your baggage that you’d be bringing into our relationship.

Most of all, I can’t stand the feeling of being The Other Woman. I never would have put myself in that role with knowledge of the situation. I am truly disturbed that I kissed another woman’s husband. I am so upset that you would be so cruel as to put me in this position. It’s a horrible place to be. I hope you never do this to another woman, but somehow I suspect I wasn’t the first and I won’t be the last.

Yes, I did let her know about the date. And the kiss. And the multiple other women you talk about having sex with on your blog. Open relationships are only open relationships if everyone involved knows they are involved in one. She deserves to know as much as I did.

©2016 WoodLeatherLace.com