The Chore of Masturbating

I grew up in a Catholic home where masturbation was considered very sinful and wrong. It was considered downright dangerous– the cause of physical infection. I grew up being afraid to touch myself. Once I was sexually active in college, I finally overcame that fear of touching myself. I realized that if my partner touching me with his hands and his cock wasn’t dangerous and wasn’t causing infections, then me touching myself with my own hands wasn’t going to be dangerous either. I did some emotional work to heal the damage that my Catholic upbringing had done, and then I began masturbating without shame or fear.

Yet throughout my marriage and since my divorce, masturbating has been a chore. It’s something I do because I have to release the sexual frustration and tension in my body. It’s no different than eating or drinking or shitting. It’s something my body requires. However, it’s not something I enjoy. Yes, I do get pleasure and relaxation from masturbating. I can make myself squirt. I usually have multiple orgasms. And still, it’s completely empty. It’s not fun. It’s just masturbating. It’s a chore.

I’m not sure why masturbating is not much fun for me. Part of it has to do with my ex-husband having a masturbation fetish. He was far more interested in me masturbating than in me having sex with him. That just hurt. I wanted to be in a relationship with a man who wanted to have sex with me, not a man who wanted to get off masturbating while thinking about me having sex on my own rather than actually having sex with me.

I think some of it may be related to my love language, too. If you aren’t familiar with the Five Love Languages, I highly recommend learning about them. I wish my ex-husband and I had known about them much sooner. I doubt it would have saved the marriage, but maybe we would have understood each other better. My love language is physical touch. I need to be touched by someone else to feel loved by them. When I’m masturbating, I’m not being touched by anyone else. I’m very much alone. That’s just not as enjoyable for me.

The best analogy I can give about masturbation for me is that it’s like eating when you have a really bad cold. Nothing tastes right, if you can taste it at all. You’re often not really hungry, but you know you need to eat to keep your strength up. Eating is just something you do to survive. That’s how masturbating is for me most of the time. I don’t really want to take the time and make the effort to do it, but I know my body is filled with sexual tension that I have no other outlet for. So when it gets too bad to tolerate, my Magic Wand and I take care of business.

When I am lucky enough to have a partner, we tend to have sex at every opportunity. I like sex a lot. Every other day is a minimum for me. But with masturbating when I’m single? Once a month is usually enough. If I am getting wild and crazy, twice a month will happen. What is odd is that I masturbate more when I have a partner. Then it’s more like once or twice a week. Sex begets more sex? I don’t know. I don’t mind masturbation as much when I’m with a partner since I know that I’ll be having sex with him soon enough, and I’m usually thinking about him or sexting with him while I am masturbating. But on my own, it just seems pathetic and sad. Solo masturbation is not the joyous experience I wish it was.


My Favorite New Toy

71ubdc5-rvl-_sx522_(This is not a compensated ad. It’s just me expressing my pleasure and joy!)

When Hitachi finally made their Magic Wand with a silicone head plus a cord-free option, I decided it was time to invest. In the post-divorce world, my sex life wasn’t going great, and I wanted something that was less work than my old favorite vibrator. When I got my Magic Wand, I was certain I had found heaven. All of my partners who have played with it on me have quickly given up on the other vibrators I have and go straight for “the jackhammer.” It packs a punch, and it gets me off very quickly.

One of my former partners asked me if I had an attachment for the wand. I had no idea there was such a thing! While I think he was less than subtly trying to get me to buy one of the penis-friendly attachments like the Hummingbird Wand Essentials Masturbator Attachment, I ignored his requests until after we broke up. I then invested in the Wand Essentials Fluttering Kiss Dual Stimulation Silicone Wand Massager Attachment.


I didn’t think the Magic Wand could get much better, but the Fluttering Kiss attachment is AMAZING. It gives me the best orgasms I’ve ever had with a mechanical device. They’re still not the same as the ones I have with real live partners, but they’re closer than before. I end up squirting everywhere with them and needing a shower afterward. That counts as a good thing in my book!

The Fluttering Kiss attachment isn’t perfect. For my body, I’d like something that’s a cross between it and the Wand Essentials Euphoria G-spot and Clit Stimulating Silicone Wand Massager Attachment (which is the next toy on my “to buy” list). I’d like something that was angled toward my clit in a different way, but I haven’t seen anything exactly like what I want. Still, I’m incredibly happy with my new toy and plan to enjoy having many orgasms with it when I am without a partner.