Love

From Afar

To the Man I Admire from Afar:

I hate that I don’t know how long it will be until you are mine. Someday I know you will be, though. I just have to be patient.

I can see you arriving on my doorstep, finally free from your commitments and able to be with me. I know there will be an amazing smile on your face, joy radiating from within about the pleasure of finally being able to claim me as yours. When I open the door, you will find me wearing a long, black satin and lace nightgown under a sheer and lacy black robe. You will see my breasts hanging like ripe fruit in the bodice of the gown, waiting for your touch. I know that smile of yours will become even bigger as your eyes look at me with desperation and need. We will both be so ready when that day comes.

Your lips will find mine, gently at first as we connect with each other. Passion will soon take over, though, as your tongue will pierce past my lips to find my willing response. Your hands will be wandering anywhere and everywhere, but finally finding their favored spot on my ass which is covered scantily by the lightweight fabric. As you pull me close to you, I will be able to feel your desire manifesting very obviously under your clothes, too.

Most of all, though, I look forward to making love to you. You don’t know how much I want to be alone in my bed together, just the two of us, barely any light at all in the room. You’ll take off your clothes before I can stop you, and then you will turn to remove mine. Your hands will loosen the ties on my robe; I will let my shoulders roll back and it will drop to the floor. Your hands will caress my breasts which are longing for your touch, and soon, your fingers will be under the fabric rubbing my quickly hardening nipples. Your ability to resist will be so weakened that it won’t take long before the nightgown is on the floor next to my robe, and there will be nothing else on my body besides your hands.

We will lead each other to the bed, naked and filled with desire. Our kissing will continue, slow and passionate. The night is ahead of us, and it belongs to us. There is nowhere we need to be except in each other’s arms making love after waiting so long. Our touches will be gentle, loving and sensuous. We want nothing more than to feel the other’s breath against our skin, our lover’s lips against our flesh, our hands exploring gently as we make love.

We will continue touching, kissing, loving each other for amounts of time that we can’t fathom. Slow, romantic music will play in the background, but we won’t be paying attention to it because we will be too enamored with our desire. When we can’t handle being apart anymore, your cock will finally come inside of me to bring us even closer. We will share one breath, one need, as slowly you thrust in and out of my pussy, my natural lubrication being more than we need because of all the foreplay.

Maybe we will continue thrusting until one or both of us reaches orgasm. Maybe we won’t. Orgasm isn’t our goal. Intimacy is. We want to be as close to each other as possible, kindling our love, building our relationship. All that matters is we are finally alone together, naked, body and soul.

But until that day, I will be admiring you from afar.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

You Know Whom You Are

Some of my past lovers continue to read my blog; others don’t. I understand either way as to why they might want to and why they might not. One of my past lovers who continues to read my blog recently commented to me that I never ended up writing anything about our breakup. He was concerned about what horrid things I might say about him when I finally did. This is mainly for him, so he can see it in print:

I still love you, and I always will. You are an amazing and wonderful man. The woman who is the right woman for you is going to be so blessed to have you. I hate that I am not the right woman for you. I wish I could be. You are so honest, trustworthy, loving, kinky, and passionate. You are almost everything I need and want… except in those few areas where we both know we don’t align. And those were the deal-breakers between us.

I am so grateful to have been your lover, and I am even more thankful that you are remaining my friend. I need you in my life, and I’m glad you have chosen to stay when walking away could be the easier choice. If I had to do it again, I would, even though the pain of our breakup was terrible because we do love each other. The good with you definitely far outweighed the bad. I want every happiness in the world for you, including you being able to find that woman who will be able to fulfill all of your desires.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Being Claimed

I recently attended the wonderful Bedpost Confessions in Austin which I highly recommend to anyone who lives in one of the cities where they have them including Boulder, CO, and Ashland, TN. The show is a storytelling event where people present pre-rehearsed “confessions” about some part of their sexual history. The stories range from hysterical to poignant to terrifying to powerful.

In this most recent event, one of the women talked about her own insecurity around dating women now that she was no longer “chasing dick.” She was in a committed lesbian relationship where her partner had claimed her, and for her, it was scary and unbelievable that she had been “claimed.”

I, too, struggle with the concept of men claiming me. Most of the men I have dated in recent years are in it for the fucks. They’re not interested in being pinned down to one woman. They don’t want commitment. They are always looking for the next best thing. They fuck me until they get bored, and then they move on, often to someone skinnier and younger.

The men who have claimed me as their girlfriend? They terrify me. Not because there is anything wrong with them. They scare me because they treat me well. They want commitment. They want to do nice things for me. They want to be there for me when things are going wrong as well as when there’s great sex available. They see me as more than a passing diversion. They want the whole package.

I hate that I’ve become so jaded that I’m suspicious when men treat me well. I despise that I fear their love and commitment. I wish that it was easy to respond in kind when they claim me as theirs. I know my scars, physical and emotional, are part of what make me who I am, but at the same time, I wish the scars didn’t interfere with new relationships that shouldn’t be difficult.

I hope in time that when a man calls me his and claims me, my response won’t be one of fear. I hope that my reaction will be one of devotion and love. I hope being claimed will make me feel secure rather than scaring me. I want to be able to be loved as much as these good guys want to love me.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Fluid Bonding

In the kink and polyamorous communities, there is a phenomenon known as “fluid bonding” that is held in high esteem. “Fluid bonding” is when a couple chooses not use any kind of barriers during sex and allow fluids to co-mingle. This is a sign of closeness and indicates that the couple is willing to share anything, including any possible STIs they might have.

I’ve found that fluid bonding is put on a very tall pedestal in the kink community and from what I can tell in polyamorous communities as well. It’s the biggest sign that one loves one’s partner truly, deeply, and unconditionally.

Contrary to this esteemed pedestal, I’m going to give what probably is an unpopular opinion: most couples are fluid bonded. Think about it. When you French kiss a partner, you are exchanging saliva which is a bodily fluid, one that can carry bacteria and viruses including HSV1 and 2. When a man fondles a woman’s genitals, he touches her arousal fluid and sometimes licks it off of his own fingers or makes her lick it off of his fingers and then kisses her. If a couple has sex while a woman is menstruating, even if they use a condom, it’s likely he will end up with some of her menstrual blood on his hands, legs, and abdomen. Depending on how much arousal fluid she produces, a man is also likely to end up with that all over his genital region as well.

What’s more, it’s rare for partners to use protection for oral sex from what I have experienced and heard from friends’ sex stories. I have never had a dental dam used on me, and I rarely use condoms for giving fellatio. Men directly ingest arousal fluid when giving cunnilingus. Women ingest precum in giving fellatio. Not one of the men I’ve been with who have been in their forties or fifties hasn’t leaked abundant amounts of pre-cum during our foreplay. I’ve ingested far more of it than I’d like to!

However, none of my partners aside from my ex-husband would consider us fluid bonded. Why? Because they have not ejaculated inside of me without condoms on their cocks. In the kink community, what “fluid bonded” really means is a man ejaculating inside a woman’s vagina (or in some rarer cases, her anus) without using barrier protection. The term “fluid bonding” does not really mean fluid bonding. What it actually is is an unconscious glorification of penis-in-vagina sex. Unless a man dumps his load in a woman’s pussy, they aren’t truly connected, aka fluid bonded.

The problems with this mindset are abundant and ridiculous. It raises the general STI risk as people who aren’t “fluid bonded” can still share STIs. More philosophically, it continues to promote an idea that “real sex” is only sex that involves a penis being inserted inside a vagina, and that’s far from true. Most importantly, it continues to feed the cultural male ego into believing that their semen is a sacred part of sex, and women’s vaginas and relationships as a whole are incomplete without that theoretically amazing jizz. Nothing could be further from the truth.

It would be great if “fluid bonding” was called what it really is: “semen-vagina bonding.” That’s far more accurate, and it lets people know what the true situation is. Furthermore, it doesn’t downplay other relationships which are just as “bonded” but which don’t glorify semen as what makes a relationship deep and true.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Broken from Falling Again

Once again, my heart is breaking because this is how I rumble. I open myself fully without realizing I’m doing it. I fall head over heels for a guy and don’t know I have given my heart to him. I try to convince myself it’s nothing. But it’s something, and it’s always something major.

I don’t understand why my heart engages like that. Why do I have so much love to give? Why could I not love the one and only man in my dating career who has loved me the way I want to be loved?

My heart seems to jump in first, followed somewhat rapidly by my hormones. My head always clicks in a few days or weeks after when I needed it to actually be the voice of reason.

And so, once again, I’m left with a shattered heart and a desire never to love again.

It sucks.

It will pass, but in the meantime, it sucks.

Pass me the Kleenex, the chococlate and the wine, y’all.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

Loving More

My last relationship was the first I’ve ever been in where I wasn’t the person to love more. In the past, I’ve always had more love for my partner. I’ve been more devoted. I’ve been more giving, to the point of letting men use me.

Being the one who loved less was a truly enlightening experience for me. I finally got to feel what all the men I’ve dated and loved have felt. I really enjoyed feeling the love that my (then) boyfriend had for me. His desire to spoil me and even just treat me well made me realize how shitty some (most) of the men I had previously dated had treated me.

At the same time, it was hard not being able to return the feelings for him that he had for me. I was honest with him all along about what I was and wasn’t feeling, and he understood that I wasn’t going to tell him I loved him if I didn’t feel that way. Unlike all the men whom I’ve loved who haven’t loved me, I was ok with him telling me he loved me. I knew it was true. He couldn’t help how much love he felt for me, and I couldn’t force love to grow on my part. I wasn’t going to forbid him from expressing his feelings though other men in the past have forbidden me from expressing mine for them.

Part of me still wishes I could have returned that love for him, but most of me knows it wasn’t meant to be. I just wasn’t going to fall in love with him. I do hope he finds a woman who can return his love, though, because he was such a loving man.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

I Hope You Dance

To me there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Loving someone is fairly easy for me to do. I love deeply and easily. I definitely love many of my friends and, of course, my children. Being in love with someone is a different sensation. It’s eros rather than philia, agape or storge.

I have loved many men and I have been in love with many men in my life. The love for those men never leaves. It fades into the background and no longer is so dominant in my heart, but I will always love the men who have a place in my heart even after they have hurt me deeply and/or we have parted ways.

However, being in love with another person eventually fades. It’s not just lust. It’s a deeper emotion than that. It’s the passion and excitement that we share when we are in a sexual and/or emotional romantic relationship with another human. When the relationship ends, it’s this part that usually hurts so much: letting go of the “in love” with that man before I was ready to end things between us.

For me, the way I know that I am no longer in love with a past partner is when I can be happy for them in their new relationships. I no longer wish I was with them, though I may still love the vivid memories I have of the moments we shared. However, I eventually reach a point where I am easily able to say that I am glad they have moved on, and more importantly, I am glad they have found another.

There’s no time scale for when falling out of love happens for me. Sometimes it takes weeks. Sometimes it takes years. I don’t know if the depth of my love for that man factors in. Sometimes it seems completely random as to why it’s easier to fall out of love with a man than with others. However, when I reach that point of being happy that the person is loving another, then I know I have healed from losing them in my life. I love the way Lee Ann Womack says it:

God forbid love ever leave you empty handed…
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

I have reached that point with all of my past loves except the most recent. My heart still hurts over him. I know we can’t be together again for so many reasons, but if I were to see him with another woman now, I would hurt. I’m so ready for my heart to reach that place of peace where I can honestly say to him, “I am so happy you found her and that she is making you happy again.” Each day I get closer to reaching that point. I hope that it happens soon because I truly do want him to be happy, and I want to be happy about him being in love with someone else when he finds her.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com