A Hot Bath

A few nights ago, I was watching YouTube clips of Graham Norton’s talk show. One of the clips that got my attention was Tamsin Greig describing how she learned to fake orgasms on screen. Greig said that her director told her to make the same noises she would make getting into a hot bath.

Last night, as I got into a super hot bath, I immediately flashed back to this clip. With the exception of me screaming “hot” periodically as I got into the tub, yeah, the noises are eerily similar. I’ll never get into a hot bath again without thinking of orgasms. Hopefully the next time I experience an orgasm with another person, though, I won’t be thinking of a hot bath!


Disappeared Stories

Yesterday I removed five ageplay stories from my archives. It was a decision that I took several months to make, but ultimately I felt I couldn’t leave them up even though I loved them and had put a lot of work into them.

The man I wrote those stories for is someone I only dated for a short period of time. Since our breakup, I’ve become more aware of his predilections, things I didn’t want to see while we were dating. I’m someone who is very open-minded about accepting everyone’s kinks and fetishes as long as all involved can give consent. Some of this man’s desires violate consent of others.

Because of that, I’ve removed the stories I wrote for him. I don’t in any way want to contribute to his or others’ similar fetishes and desires which involve non-consent.


Talking Sexy

For me, verbal communication is a huge part of sexual arousal. I need my partner to talk to me. I want him to tell me what he is doing to me. I want him to tell me what he is feeling. I want him to tell me what he is going to do to me. I want him to tell me how good or fun or pleasurable the whole event was once it all is over.

When I was married, my now ex-husband and I had what I call “silent sex.” There was very little talking. There was very little verbal communication. There were a few words here and there like “are you in yet?” There was nothing like “I want you” or “your breasts are so sexy to me” or “put my cock in your mouth” or “kiss my neck.” There definitely wasn’t anything like “fuck my pussy” or “take it the ass, woman.” Instead, there was mostly a horrible silence.

That didn’t work for me. At all. I eventually figured out via the internet and watching porn and reading erotic fiction that the silence was helping to kill my libido. I needed that verbal communication to get aroused. Once I figured that out, I started communicating more, and eventually, I got a little more verbal stimulation from my ex-husband, but mostly I still got silence.

When moving on to other men after the marriage, one of the best things was the “dirty talk.” I finally had men telling me exactly what I needed to hear. They didn’t even need to touch me and yet they would have my pussy dripping with desire simply through their words.

However, I take issue with the term “talking dirty.” I don’t like it at all. To me, there is nothing dirty about sex. Ok, well, yes, sex is sticky, sweaty, gooey and messy. But it’s not dirty. Dirty has the connotation of being shameful, bad or wrong, and if everyone involved is consenting, then sex is not dirty. It’s a wonderful thing. Sex is pleasurable, it’s orgasmic, and it’s amazing. Sex is one of the best parts of life if it’s done right. The last thing sex should ever be is something shameful, bad or wrong. Sex should be glorified, not demeaned.

Hence, I prefer the term “talking sexy.” I want my partner to talk sexy to me. I want him to tell me in vivid, descriptive language how much he wants to share my body. I need to communicate with him how much his body and mind are desiring me. I am aroused by letting him know he is sexy and the center of my universe in these moments we are sharing. I want nothing more than to give him pleasure and to receive the same in return from him.

I believe language is powerful, and I believe the language we use shapes how we view our worlds. I think that the term “talking sexy” better reflects a positive view of sex, one that I hope will eventually be the common one in the world. Until then, my partners and I will be enjoying saying all kinds of vividly explicit phrases to each other while we are “talking sexy” to each other.


Disrespecting Monogamy

I am monogamous. This is as core to me as the facts that I am heterosexual and cisgender. I don’t do multiple romantic relationships at once. I know this about myself, and I know that I need to be partnered with someone who is equally monogamous.

That doesn’t mean I don’t understand non-monogamy. I suspect a very large percentage of the population is naturally non-monogamous just as a large percentage of the population is naturally homosexual and naturally transgender. It’s who we are and how we were born. I respect everyone’s rights to identify as they do and to practice sexuality as they do (as long as everyone can give consent). In return, I expect the same respect for my monogamy, heterosexuality, and gender identity.

Our liberal society often makes jokes about gays trying to convert straights because it is such a huge conservative fear. I often banter with a queer friend of mine because they haven’t managed to convert me after being friends for half of forever. They must not be trying hard enough! I have never had a gay woman try to convert me or even hit on me. It’s a non-issue and a ridiculous fear on the part of conservatives.

Yet despite the respect I experience between those of differing sexual orientations, I don’t experience it from non-monogamous men. It’s something that has gotten ridiculous. I very clearly announce on my dating and Fetlife profiles in capital letters that I am MONOGAMOUS. That seems to challenge non-monogamous men. They interpret that as a “convert me!” request. It’s not. I’m happy as I am.

If I’m willing to respect others’ rights to be non-monogamous, why is it so hard for them to respect my right to be monogamous? I’ve tried a non-monogamous situation (more than once), and it is not for me. I need, want, and crave monogamy. No matter how hard they try, the non-monogamous men are not going to change me on this one. So why can’t they simply respect that?

What bothers me most of all is the number of men lately who have lied to me about their non-monogamy practices despite me being very clear that I don’t engage in non-monogamous relationships. Do they really think that I’m going to stay in a relationship with them when I find out they aren’t being monogamous with me? I won’t. It’s as simple as that.

I’m also befuddled by the men who don’t understand the meaning of monogamy. If you are dating someone else, you can’t be monogamous with me. If you are partnered with someone else, you can’t be monogamous with me even if there’s no sex happening in that other relationship. I don’t just want sexual monogamy. I want romantic monogamy. I want emotional monogamy. I want a one-on-one relationship with one man who wants to be with one woman. Yes, we’ll have friends outside of each other, but we will be each other’s only partner. Why is that so hard to understand? Why is it so challenging to find in the kinky community?


Coping with the Lies

When I broke up with one of my past sexual partners, it was not the friendly breakup I had hoped for with him. We both knew the relationship was not going to last long because there were too many differences between us. However, we liked each other and had a good time together both in and out of bed. We decided to spend time together while things worked, and when they quit working, we’d break up amicably.

Unfortunately, he began lying to me before, during and after the breakup. Some of them were little things that didn’t matter. Others were much larger including the fact that he had started wooing his next lover while we were dating monogamously though he hadn’t had sex yet with her before our breakup. To me, though, lies are lies. Avoiding the truth is no better than a lie; in my book, they’re the opposite sides of the same coin. When I figure out people are lying to me or hiding the truth from me, I lose all respect for them. It kills the trust I have for them and ultimately destroys our relationship.

One of the bigger lies this lover told me was that he didn’t have a choking fetish. In my opinion, choking is not SSC, and it’s not something I’m even remotely willing to entertain. This is a fact that I shared clearly with this lover beginning with the very first online conversation we had. At that time, he told me that it wasn’t something he was into, but rather it was something he had just done before because two past partners of his were into it. He claimed he had to be convinced to do it but wasn’t comfortable with it.

For me, I don’t even like having my partner’s hand on the front of my throat, something I also made clear to this lover once we were involved. However, time and again my lover would try to put his hand on the front of my throat. I would remove it and redirect it to the back of my neck, reminding him I wasn’t comfortable with his actions. Despite my protests, it didn’t stop him from trying to put his hand there repeatedly. He gave me the excuse (or in other terms, the lie), “I just think a man putting his hand on the front of a woman’s neck is incredibly sexy.” Yet when we broke up, I spent some time perusing Tumblr account. There for anyone to see was photo after photo of men choking women during sex. Clearly it wasn’t just a fetish of his past partners, but he couldn’t own up to his own desires. Rather, he felt it was necessary to lie to me about his desires that were in conflict with my hard limits.

Because I live in a smaller town, I ran into another ex-lover of my ex-lover one day while out and about. I asked her to help explain this guy to me because weeks after our breakup I still hadn’t been able to understand him completely. I needed to understand why he treated me the way he did and why he lied to me the way he did. She told me that his underlying character flaw was that he was always the victim in his mind: Nothing would ever be his fault. Given that I had been married to a man for more than ten years who also loved to play the victim, I was surprised I hadn’t seen that commonality.

However, when I stopped and thought about it, I realized that her explanation made sense. Every lie he told me was one to defer the blame from himself. He couldn’t be responsible enough to own up to his own behavior. To me, that’s a major sign of immaturity. Even when he violated my hard limits, it was something he tried to excuse or blame on others. That’s just not ok. Even though I had hoped that this former lover and I would stay friends after our break up, that was no longer an option for me when I realized I couldn’t trust him anymore. The truth matters an awful lot to me, and he had shown it wasn’t as important to him.


Why WoodLeatherLace?

I picked the website name woodleatherlace because wood, leather and lace are three of my favorite materials to mix into sexual play.

Wood— There’s the obvious nickname for the male erection, but wood also refers to numerous spanking implements. Hairbrushes, wooden spoons, and paddles are all fun to add into the mix.

Leather—Both on him and me, I love leather (or fake leather) clothing. My black leather boots are among my favorites. So many great spanking and sex toys are also made out of leather or synthetic imitations: paddles, straps, tawses, crops, whips, binders, gags, cuffs… the list can keep going. One Dom I dated wore a thick leather cuff bracelet, a sign to those in the know about his sexuality. It was very attractive and masculine from my viewpoint.

Lace—The ultimate in feminine apparel in my opinion. I never feel as sexy and appealing as when I am wearing lace. Most men seem to appreciate it its alluring charms, too. Lace and leather together can make a visually beautiful combination as well when done properly.