General

Porn Versus Reality

Humans get themselves into trouble when they start making broad generalizations. Using a relatively non-controversial example, we teach our kids that the sky is blue. Except that’s not true. Sometimes the sky is blue. However, at sunset, it can be brilliant shades of orange, pink and purple. When it’s raining, the sky is gray. At night, it’s black. So while it’s sometimes blue, the sky is a variety of different colors at different times. And all of those colors that the sky manifests? They’re perfectly acceptable and beautiful in their own ways.

When we start making broad generalizations about sexuality, things get murky and sometimes hurtful. As a kinky heterosexual cisgender woman with a high sex drive who loves anal sex, some porn, and other activities that women aren’t “supposed to” like, I find that articles that make generalizations about women and sexuality can exclude me. I’m strong enough of a person to know that doesn’t make me less of a woman, but in my past, I wasn’t. I questioned what was wrong with me when I didn’t feel the way other women did. If “all women” were supposed to hate anal sex, then why did I love it? If I wanted to have sex more often than my male partner, did that make me a freak?

The most recent article to piss me off was one that declared “Porn Makes Men Terrible in Bed.” The author writes:

I hate porn because fucking men who have watched a lot of porn is the worst. The absolute worst. For the sake of your future partners, go easy on the porn. Many young men will watch porn more often than they have sex with other humans.  Their beliefs about sex will come from porn and not from interactions with real people.

And, the real humans who eventually have sex with suffer for it.

Most porn is about watching women pretend to enjoy sex acts that are unpleasant to them.

This article is loaded with gross generalizations that aren’t true. We can start with the fact that most men don’t ejaculate five times in a single session of sex, so using a porn star who does as an example of what men do in bed that other men might imitate just simply isn’t a good example. He is an exception to the general rule. In addition, the article’s contention that “All the sex advice out there generally tends to cycle back to the same thing: how can women get more comfortable with doing what men like?” is incredibly inaccurate. There is a lot of wonderful sexual advice out there which focuses on making sex pleasurable for all involved, not just conforming to a man’s desires. Clearly the author isn’t looking in the right places for her sex-positive information.

Furthermore, my best lovers actually were avid porn watchers. While I can’t say that my sample size and my experiences are true for everyone, I can say that they disprove the idea that “fucking men who have watched a lot of porn is the worst.” However, it’s important to note that the men I’ve fucked have been able to understand the difference between porn and reality. They know that what is important is the woman in front of them. They know that my limits and my desires are what help shape our mutual sexual experiences, not what they have seen from other women on the screen.

Some of my favorite experiences with lovers have actually come from them saying to me, “Hey, I saw this activity on a porn video I was watching; I’d really like to try it. Are you game?” Sometimes I am, and sometimes I’m not. Sometimes whatever we tried was an utter disaster that ended in laughter; other times it led to some incredible orgasms. Not all porn is evil, and not all activities shown in porn are impossible to recreate in the bedroom. Most importantly, some women really do love those activities that are being shown in some porn, and some women can have porn-type orgasms without faking.

That said, what I enjoy is not necessarily what other women may enjoy. I acknowledge that for some women, yes, porn is a big problem for them, their sex lives and/or their partners. However, their bad experiences around porn cannot be generalized to be true for everyone any more than my positive ones can.

I wish those who blog or write about sex would accept that differences abound in human sexuality. We all enjoy different things, and that’s ok. It’s the judgment about what others do or enjoy that causes so much trouble. The best policy is honest communication with one’s partner(s) about what good sex is for the two (or more) of you.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Virgin + Virgin = Disaster

My first lover and I were both virgins when we met in college. We both were also Christian, him more so than me. He was fully intent on waiting for marriage. Originally I held that same ideal having had it banged into my head after 18+ years of Catholic education and upbringing. However, the longer we were together, the more I wanted him and the less I wanted to wait.

The problem was that he wasn’t willing to break the ideals of his strict religious upbringing to be with me. We fought often about it when we were long past the point a couple should have already been having sex. Our relationship was suffering because we needed that sexual connection. However, unlike many who use the “poophole loophole” or oral sex, we weren’t engaging in any of those activities. Even getting him to go to second base was a challenge that took years.

When I finally wore him down (unfortunately an accurate assessment of how it happened), he reluctantly had sex with me. It was a disaster. Two virgins having sex with very little knowledge about sex beyond “insert penis into vagina” was really a bad combination. It was physically painful, emotionally excruciating, and very unromantic. Nothing resembled the passion and sensuality I had seen in movies. I was very disappointed.

While sex eventually got better with him, things were never great between us because neither of us had the education or experience we needed around sex. The internet wasn’t the internet back then, so we didn’t even have those resources. The only sex-related book I knew about was The Joy of Sex which I went out and bought, feeling very ashamed to do so. When I got it home, I was sorely disappointed. There was nothing in it to help make our sex life any better. I couldn’t even figure out the point of the book because it wasn’t great porn either.

As time passed, I approached him with ideas of things that would turn me on like spanking, bondage, and anal sex, but he shamed me for my desires. He considered them abnormal. He wasn’t willing to participate. I quit asking because I knew he wouldn’t give them to me.

As much as I loved him, I wish my first partner hadn’t been a vanilla virgin. As romantic as the idea is of two virgins losing their virginity together under the guise of true love, the reality just didn’t play out. It wasn’t until I was with other more experienced men that I truly learned what sex could be like, and I suddenly understood why so many people would do anything to have it. The sex I’d been having before that was just ok, like a saltine cracker instead of a piece of chocolate cake.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Circumcision

In the US, circumcision is a contentious topic. Most American born men in my age range are circumcised and not through their own choice. This usually cosmetic surgery was done when they were newborns, often with no anesthetic. The men had no say in what happened to their own bodies when they were infants.

Circumcision became popular in the 19th century as a means to prevent sinful male masturbation. As anyone who has known a man with a circumcised penis or is circumcised himself can tell you, circumcision doesn’t prevent masturbation.  It reduces natural lubrication created by the foreskin, but it doesn’t stop it at all. And who would want to? Masturbation is a healthy, normal, beneficial activity. In a world where most people don’t believe they’re going to hell for masturbating, it’s time to get rid of a Victorian era remnant of morality.

I am very much against circumcision. I consider it genital mutilation. We scream with outrage when a woman faces a clitorectomy she doesn’t want, but we don’t respect our baby boys with the same body rights. This is very odd since it’s usually women’s bodies that are treated with a lack of respect.

When I first got pregnant, my ex and I presumed we would circumcise any sons we had since he was circumcised as were all the other men in the family. It’s just what everyone did, so we didn’t give much thought to it. Mercifully the internet became the wealth of information it now is around that time, and we were able to research the topic more fully once our birthing instructor gave us some information we found alarming. Once we realized what circumcision does to a baby boy and can do to a man’s sex life, we both became firmly against. My ex realized through that research that a lot of the penile pain he deals with is related to a semi-botched circumcision because he was cut too tightly. If he could go back and make the decision for himself, he wouldn’t have been circumcised. He certainly didn’t want any future sons to go through it either.

When my son was born, I didn’t think we were going to get him out of the hospital uncut. Every single person who came in the room asked if we wanted to circumcise him even though it was on the chart. No, we did not want to. It was like there was a reward for converting us. I’m sure part of that is financial: The hospital makes more money for doing procedures than when they do nothing. Still, that’s not a valid reason to do cosmetic surgery on a baby’s genitals. No means no, and the repetitious question got very annoying.

So many people like to use the argument that boys should look like their dads and therefore should be circumcised. Our experience was that it didn’t make a difference in our household. We walked around naked in front of our kids (when showering or dressing) when they were little until they developed a sense of modesty (which kicks in around ages 4-6 for many kids when they aren’t in a household that shames nudity). Thus, our kids saw our bodies. At one point, my three year old son announced to me that “Daddy has a big penis and I have a little penis.” Yup. That’s about it given the 3+ foot height difference between them at that point!

Even when he was slightly older, my son never really realized his dad’s penis was all that different from his own. When he was about six or seven, the topic of circumcision came up at the dinner table for reasons I can’t remember. It was probably me ranting about a friend having decided to circumcise her son. When my son asked what circumcision was, I explained that it was cutting the foreskin off the penis. The look of horror on his face as a young boy said it all. He couldn’t comprehend why someone would want to cut off part of a penis. Clearly he had never really taken in the difference between his uncircumcised penis versus his father’s circumcised penis in the hundreds of times they had seen each other naked. The argument that boys need to look like their dad’s was clearly pointless in our experience.

One of my friends was married to a man who was nominally Muslim. In Muslim culture, circumcision is the norm. She deferred to his wishes for his son’s genitals to look like his even though it wasn’t a religious decision for him. However, she soon regretted it. For three days after the circumcision, her son screamed in pain each time he urinated because the urine burned the wound so badly. It hurt her terribly to deal with her baby being in such pain for a surgery she really didn’t want for him.

Fifty percent of boys aren’t being circumcised in the US now; that’s partly because health insurance companies are declaring it elective and refusing to pay for it. That’s a decrease from about 80% around the turn of the century. While I disagree with making decisions about bodies based on money, I am grateful that more men will be able to make their own decisions as adults as to what they want their bodies to look like. If they want to be circumcised as adults when they can take adequate pain meds to handle the procedure, that is their decision. However, it’s one I don’t think we should be making for our sons without their consent unless there is a legitimate medical emergency necessitating it.

I have unfortunately never had the privilege of having sex with a man with a foreskin. I know they are out there; in my age range, they usually they are foreign-born immigrants to the US. Every time I see a new lover’s cock, part of me is disappointed to see yet another penis that has been cut. I like the look of foreskins. That doesn’t mean I don’t thoroughly enjoy those circumcised cocks. Still, one of the few things on my bucket list is sex with an uncut man. I’m waiting for the day that will happen.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

S&M and Reign

Spoiler Alert: Contains major plot information from Season 3, Episode 7 (“The Hound and the Hare”) of Reign.

As I was watching Reign on Netflix, I was tantalized by the promises of the writers. Prince Don Carlos, suitor of Queen Mary of Scotland, was rumored in the courts to have a horrible sexual predilection. His wild and crazy desires ended his courtship of an Austrian suitor. So what is this ghastly sexual desire? He is a masochist who likes to be whipped by his partner. I was a bit disappointed at such a mild revelation.

Of course, the prince is no average kinkster in this fictional portrayal. He travels with his own “sex horse.” It’s a bulky bench which a person can be strapped to while sitting, and it’s an odd-looking sex toy. I’m not sure who came up with it for the show, but clearly it was not someone who has extensive experience in BDSM. It’s certainly not a contraption that is easily portable in the days of horse and carriage travel, and there are easier ways to do bondage and whipping, even in the 16th century!

As Prince Don Carlos tries to cement a betrothal with Queen Mary, he reveals his sexual desires to her. She is not horrified, but she doesn’t understand his needs and why pain equals pleasures for him. After a bit of convincing from Queen Mother Catherine de Medici of France, Queen Mary agrees to a play session with Prince Don Carlos to see if she can dominate him in the way he needs and firm up a royal betrothal she so desperately needs. (Of course, the word dominate is never used in the script.)

As Mary discusses this with Catherine, Mary just can’t come to a place of comfort with the idea of dominating a man. Catherine, a sadistic woman, has no issues whatsoever with torturing a lover for sexual pleasure (or for political reasons). Thus, a royal plan is hatched. Once Mary has Don Carlos secured to the bench, she blindfolds him and lets Catherine in the room to do the actual dominating.

Don Carlos asks Mary to grab the whip– at which point she picks up a flogger that is sitting between his legs. I found myself thinking, “Really? No one who worked on the script or set knew the difference between a whip and a flogger?” I find that very hard to believe. Surely they could have consulted with someone from the BDSM world? Or even a Google search?

After Catherine has begun flogging (not whipping!) the bound Don Carlos’ chest, Mary can’t handle watching the event. When Mary screams out for Catherine to stop, Don Carlos becomes aware of the presence of the third person in the room. He responds (rightly so) with outrage. He feels that he has been betrayed by Mary for revealing his sexual secrets to a person he didn’t chose to trust, and he is greatly afraid of being exposed as “deviant” by Catherine. These are valid fears.

What’s most important, though, is that what Mary did was a consent violation. Consent is crucial to a healthy BDSM relationship, but Mary clearly did not know that nor did Don Carlos explain it to her. He simply trusted her. Perhaps consent was not part of the BDSM discussion in the 16th century, but it is part of the dialog today. Since Reign regularly ignores history in its storylines, costuming, and music, the show could have easily brought up consent but chose not to.

Overall, I was disappointed with how this mainstream portrayal of BDSM played out. So much more could have been done to make the scene accurate and educational, but instead, a poor vanilla misinterpretation of kink was portrayed.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

A Conversation with My Daughter

Her: I’m off to the (high school) football game.
Me: Don’t make out with any boys underneath the bleachers.
Her: (giving me a look only teenagers can give) I have a boyfriend! Besides, we’re not allowed under the bleachers.
Me: That’s because kids used to do drugs under there.
Her: No, that’s what you do behind the portables.
Me: One of the guys I dated used to have sex behind the portables when he was in high school.
Her: No, that’s what you do in the lounge. They had to take the couches out of there because they were horizontal surfaces. Aren’t you glad I know these things?
Me: Um, yes?

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

And it’s gone again…

My spanking mojo, that is.

My newest theory is that this is peri-menopausal crap. That one burst of it returning was around ovulation, so maybe it’s related to hormones? When I was lactating, all sex disgusted me. With this hormonal shift, maybe it’s just my fetishes? I really wish I had answers. If anyone else has answers about disappearing and reappearing kinks and fetishes, let me know.

In other news, if I don’t get laid soon, I think I may lose my mind. I have no prospects and no hope of prospects. If you know where all the great single, sober, smart, kind, loving, fat-accepting middle-aged heterosexual (or bisexual or pansexual) men of Central Texas are hiding, please let me know that, too.

Sigh.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Found My Spanking Mojo!

My doctors are currently transitioning me off of a drug that I’ve been taking for several years. While the drug isn’t an anti-depressant or even in the same arena of medications, it and similar drugs still have the effect of dampening my libido. I actually appreciate that because it means sex isn’t on my mind 24/7. When I’m not on the medications, I am constantly craving sex. Most men can’t keep up with me.

So as my levels of that drug drop in my system, my sex drive has soared again. It’s always on my mind. And with that, my spanking mojo came back out of the blue one day this week. It was like I suddenly found it under a couch cushion. One moment my spanking mojo wasn’t there, and the next moment it was. It had been gone for about three months, but I’d been on the drug for years, so I don’t know that it’s actually a direct correlation. However, I have no other explanation unless you want to blame the upcoming eclipse.

With the increased sex drive and no partner, I’m taking out my frustration on writing fiction periodically. I turn myself on when I am writing, so I can only get through part of a story before I have to stop and masturbate. After masturbating, I’m not as interested in writing again, so it takes several sessions for me to get a story done. However, I wrote about a third to a half of a story the other night. Hopefully I’ll find time to finish it and put it up later this week.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com