Dating

Reviews of Dating Sites

I have been asked about the various dating sites I’ve been on in the past. I’m reviewing them in relative order of usefulness. I was looking for a man who was around 35-55, intelligent (which has included the range from GED to PhD), liberal, kinky, monogamous and a switch/dominant. I don’t match well with highly religious people either. Race, size, appearance– all of those are irrelevant to me.

Fetlife.com: Fetlife says over and over again that it’s not a dating site, yet a very large percentage of people on Fetlife are looking for sexual partners, either short-term or long-term. Fetlife was one of the most productive places for me when I was looking for partners. There are still some horribly slimy, nasty men on there, but I also found quite a few really nice guys. The friend who convinced me to join told me I would find more fat-accepting men on there. Yes and no. There was definitely a lot more acceptance about people being different, but there was still outright fat prejudice on there. Almost all of Fetlife can be used for free which is a major bonus. Most major cities have personals boards (or sometimes multiple boards) to post ads looking for a partner.

AdultFriendFinder.com: Yes, really! I had billing issues with them, so they lose major points for that, but as a woman, AFF was a goldmine. I’ve seen the ratio estimated as 12:1 or 16:1 men:women depending on the market you’re in. I definitely found that to be true. Men are so used to spambots on there that they are shocked when they find a real live woman who isn’t charging for sex. I found some sizeist men on there, but most of the men were so desperate for sex they didn’t care about body size. They were also willing to compromise on things that guys on other sites weren’t open to compromising on. I actually found some great men on there. One downside is that half the men use a dick pic for their profile picture which gets really old really fast. There is a filter to allow you to block some or all nudity, though, something I actually did because I got so tired of seeing dick pics everytime I logged in. If you want to message with someone, you really do need to upgrade to their paid plan, and then they start with annoying pop-ups to get you to renew beginning the day after you joined!

OkCupid.com: This is the most popular mainstream dating site in my area. I talked with a lot of men on OKC, but more often than not, I ran into fat prejudice among those local men I talked to. Men who were in other parts of the country were often less prejudiced, though I certainly encountered prejudice anywhere I looked. Every single man I dated over the past few years had an active profile on OKC whether I met him on that site or not. I have very mixed feelings about OKC because it really is the lifeblood of online dating in my area, but I also had less success here than other places. There are also a lot of really awful guys here because it’s possible to use all the important features of the site without paying, but I found as a woman I liked having some of its features to block out some of the crap on the site. The majority of my dating bloopers came from OKC because so many of the men were of low quality.

DatingKinky.com: This was a newcomer to the online dating market in the past year, looking to fulfill the needs that Fetlife didn’t quite meet. It was dealing with growing pains from being so new. The owner of the site was very receptive to talking to members, and she was working hard on upgrades. However, I ran out of patience with men who were less than desirable. The local market was very limited, and I was tired of seeing the picture of one of my exes since I couldn’t hide his picture at that time (though they were working on adding that feature). The paid version wasn’t in existence yet, but the trial version of the paid version didn’t really add enough filters to the messaging that I wanted. I got tired of 18 year olds from Nebraska wanting to sext with me!

Match.com: If  you talk about the struggles of online dating in the modern era with a married person, they will without doubt ask if you’ve tried Match. At that point, I ask A) if they’ve tried Match and B) what year it was when they tried Match? Most of them say they’ve never been on it, but they’ve heard it’s a great dating site and their third cousin twice removed found her husband on Match about ten years ago. Match may have once been the leader in online dating, and it may still be great in some markets, but in my area, Match is dead. You have to pay to use the site’s messaging features. However, men do not message on Match as demonstrated by the fact that I had absolutely zero men message me on Match in six months. I messaged men and got very few results. I never got past one or two messages with any particular man. Half of the men on Match are also on OKC. The financial requirement to message means that most of the men are more career-oriented men, and that removes some of the scuzziness of other sites. However, for me, Match was a huge waste of money.

Chemistry.com: This is a sister site of Match.com. I hated it with a passion. I think it was designed for cell phones, and I was using it on a desktop. It seemed like it was structured around random algorithms and hookups. Most of the men seemed to be much younger. I felt like the old fogy who didn’t belong, and I quickly got off of it.

Conscious Dating Network: The Conscious Dating Network is a group of sites which all share the same database. Most of the sites are all aimed at the more natural living, liberal leaning, spiritual but not religious people. The sites in the network include Spiritual Singles, Planet Earth Singles, Natural Awakenings Singles, and many more. However, some of the sites have nothing to do with those qualities. People can buy a site using their own web domain, and by giving the Conscious Dating Network part of their profits, they share the database, thus being able to increase the numbers on their niche dating market. It’s a model I’m not fond of, but I see why it makes sense from a money and marketing point of view. Unfortunately, one of the sites in the network was one in India, so I would get messages from a lot of men in India who had no intention of moving to the US (and I am not moving to India). As with many of the other smaller sites, most of these men were on OKCupid, and many I already knew in real life. Many were looking for tantric flings or polyamorous lovers. There were a lot of very big egos on the site. They weren’t my type.

eHarmony.com: Um, yeah. This name will come up, but it’s one I avoided. eHarmony has a screening process to become a member of their site. Anyone I knew who is similar to me who had applied had been rejected because they weren’t mainstream enough, normal enough or good enough looking. I decided I didn’t need rejection from a dating site on top of rejection from men on dating sites. Besides, I wasn’t interested in eHarmony’s process of matching people up rather than letting people have access to their whole database. There’s something that chemistry determines that a database can never calculate. I skipped this site completely.

POF.com: <<<shudder>>> This is one of the grosser dating sites for the local area. Because one can use it without paying, the population leans toward the lowest common denominator. I was totally unimpressed by the men of this site. Dysfunctional seems to be a polite word to sum them up.

DharmaMatch.com: This is a very minor site and I wouldn’t mention it at all except I want to put my opinion out there since I couldn’t find many honest reviews about it when I Googled. This site is a zombie. It’s alive but it’s very much dead. The code works. You can register. You can pay. But no one checks it out. In a full month on the site, not one single person checked out my profile. I made the mistake of paying $20 for a one month subscription (which I canceled immediately so there would be no further autobilling) to message the one guy out of 15 local guys who had a lot in common with me. He never checked his messages or even logged on in that month because there are no push notifications for this site. I messaged the help link on the site to ask about the lack of inactivity and I never heard back. Don’t waste your time or money with this one.

Tinder.com: Ha! Did I mention I was fat and ugly? I wasn’t looking for a one night stand, either. I knew that on a site where appearance is everything that I didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell. This is one site I never ventured onto.

BBWPersonalsPlus: Given that I knew I wasn’t going to find a man on Tinder, I decided to try a site for men who liked plus-sized women. I lasted only a few days on this site. Unfortunately, the majority of men who like plus-sized men tend to be less literate and less educated than the population of men I am attracted to. After way too many messages that seemed as though the users had never taken a spelling or grammar class, I ran for the hills.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

The Ugly Duckling

I finally came up with a way to better describe how I feel about myself, my appearance, and my dating world.

I live in a town full of ducks. They don’t all look alike, but there are very prominent themes among the ducks who rule the town. They wear skinny jeans. They grow man-buns. They wear yoga pants with flip-flops for formal occasions. The women curl and style their hair for hours only to put it up in ponytail after all the work. They dye their hair popular colors.  They starve themselves rather than gain any weight. They run or lift weights even to the point of repeatedly injuring themselves. They obsess over physical appearance.

These ducks don’t accept themselves as they are, and because they don’t accept themselves, they don’t accept others either. Unless one puts on a facade that meets the local cultural standards of beauty, one can’t be a duck.

I’m not a duck. I’m swimming in the same waters as the ducks, but I am not a duck. They may see me as the ugly duckling, but I  am a swan. I like who I am. I don’t want to change to make the rest of the ducks happy. I am me, and I’m grateful to be me. I wish others could see me as a swan rather than an ugly duckling, but they just don’t. I can’t change how they see me, either. They don’t want to change. They like their narrow vision of the world.

So how does a swan date in a sea of ducks? The answers is that the swan can’t. The swan can try, but all that happens is that the ducks reject the swan over and over again. They don’t even want to be friends with the swan because the swan doesn’t look like them, talk like them, or act like them.

I look forward to one day living in a world where swans are accepted and seen for their natural beauty. Until then, I will just have to hope that one day a lost swan will wander into town and find me here, alone and being a swan by myself.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Facing the Brutal Truth

Like all anonymous blogs, I only have to disclose what I want on this blog. Some of it is fiction. Most of it is very real.

One of the things that I have not discussed to date but which I have to write about now is my physical appearance.  According to the men in the community I live in, I am both fat and ugly. In their eyes, this makes me undateable. This is the true reason I don’t put face pictures up on my dating profiles.  I learned very quickly that if I had face pictures up, men would not respond to my messages. If I didn’t have face pictures up, I could at least get men to talk to me to help chase away my loneliness. Once they saw face pictures, most men ran like they were on fire. They didn’t even make polite excuses before ghosting me.

All of the men I have dated since my divorce can be categorized pretty easily: Most were mentally ill. Many were social alcoholics. One was a drug addict who was currently not using but was planning to restart as soon as he could legally risk it. Half were unemployed. And then there were the three who lied to me about being in long-term romantic relationships with others. The very few men who actually went out with me were not husband material because they were so fucked up in various ways.

The common theme of these men was that they saw me, a highly educated and professional woman who owns a house, a car, and a business, as too ugly to date but not too ugly to fuck. Besides, if it was just cybersex, what I looked like didn’t matter. They could fantasize I was anyone.

Even though some of them had some of the best sex of their lives with me, they still couldn’t see past their dicks. I wasn’t pretty enough to be a trophy wife, so that meant I wasn’t good enough for them despite their multitude of flaws. What the common theme with all of these men was that they were using me for sex until they could find something better. There were no illusions on my part about it, at least with the men who were single. With the men who were partnered, there was a lot of pain and grief on my part when I found out the truth.

I recently met a man who was one of the kindest, most compassionate, most loving men I have ever been lucky enough to encounter. I felt things for him that I’ve felt for no other human I’ve ever met. When his divorce was final, I would have loved to have dated him, but I also knew I wasn’t what he was looking for. I knew that I was likely going to be stuck in the friend zone with him for eternity. Despite that, feelings grew for him. He did a few things that I misinterpreted. And when I confessed my growing feelings for him, he was repulsed. He not only ran in horror, but he told me that he found me physically unattractive. If a man who is as wonderful as him can’t see past my physical qualities, then I truly must be ugly. It’s time to face the brutal truth.

Based on that, I’ve finally had to accept that I’m not going to find a man who can see past my ugly face and my large waistline. If I want to retain any shred of self-respect and self-esteem, I have to quit trying to date. Being told over and over, whether implicitly or explicitly, that I’m unattractive, that I’m undesirable, that I’m ugly… that isn’t ok. After five years of trying, I’ve lost all ability to fight the fight any longer. I’m done dating. If God sends a nearly-perfect man to my front porch (aside from the UPS guy or the Jehovah’s Witnesses), then yes, I’ll take him. But I’m not looking for him any more. I’m not on any dating sites. I’ve deactivated on Fetlife. I’m not going to any singles groups. I’m done.

I really wish I could find a gay bone in my body so I could date a woman. Alas, that’s just not going to happen.

So from now on, there will be no new dating stories. There will be no new online dating bloopers (although I have one half-finished post from before I closed my last account).  There are some memories I’ve started to type into stories, but I haven’t finished. I’m not sure if I will because those memories just bring pain now even though they were amazing fun when they happened. When I’m lonely and horny, I might type up fantasies. Mostly, though, in the short term, I’m probably going to be decompressing about the abuse I’ve dealt with in my dating experiences. After that… I don’t know. Right now, the future looks to bleak to face.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

 

One Year

Yesterday was one year since we met in person for the first time. Tomorrow is one year since we first had sex. I am certain you don’t remember the dates; you’re not that kind of guy.

Ours was meant to be a casual relationship. It was supposed to be about sex and not much else. That quickly changed. By the third sex date, I had told you that I really liked you, and you nodded back yes, holding back tears, so choked up you couldn’t speak. By the fourth date, you accidentally called me by the nickname you used for your ex-wife.

You weren’t what I expected. You were physically beautiful. Your face was so sexy, and your body was well-sculpted. Your strong hands on my supple body felt so amazing. I couldn’t figure out why a man who looked like you would be willing to have sex with me, though it quickly became clear that you had mental health challenges, ones that impacted your life severely.

Yet underneath those mental health issues was one of the most sensitive, loving men I’ve ever met. You are tender and caring. You feel so deeply but you don’t want to, so you repress it all. You run from your feelings if they aren’t what your logic tells you that you “should” be feeling.

Even though the sex we had was amazing, you couldn’t look past your fantasies to see me for the dynamic woman that I am. You had a picture in your mind of what your future wife looks like, and that description didn’t line up with me. Hence, you couldn’t let yourself enjoy our relationship for what it was, and you couldn’t appreciate me for whom I am. Instead, you kept insisting on searching frantically for this unicorn you think exists, this perfect woman in mind and body who is going to accept you as you are, flaws and all.

Since I wasn’t perfect and I wasn’t your fantasy, you decided I was good for sex and nothing else. Despite that, you kept trying to change me. Even though I was ok with your issues, you weren’t ok with mine. You created an impossible situation in your mind, one that isn’t even scientifically realistic, and you wanted me to enact it so that I could change to become the woman of your dreams. You couldn’t let it go. You obsessed over this idea of what I should do with my body and my life. I know part of that was your mental illness; your obsession with that idea was rooted in your inability to focus on a broader picture. Still, part of it was you, too, judging me for not doing what you wanted me to do and for not being whom you wanted me to be.

When I couldn’t live with the judgment anymore, I ended it. I cried a lot of tears over you. I had fallen in love with you in the short time we were together. You got mad at me when I told you that I loved you. I told you that you didn’t have to feel it, but you couldn’t stop me from feeling it. That’s not how it works. I loved you. I still do. It wasn’t just the sex. It was the amazing man who lives trapped under a terrible mental illness that he can’t control.

And the sex…. No man before or since has made me cum the way you did. Our sex was beyond amazing. You are going to be the lover whom I compare all others to. You are the one who taught me what my body can do when it’s treated properly. You taught me that sex is the most amazing experience in the world when the right two people are partnered.

I gave you this blog link after we broke up, though I’m not sure if you got the message or if you read it. Even if you did, I’m not sure if you read this blog. But if you read this post, know that I still love you deeply and I always will. You will always hold the place in my heart as the lover who taught me what sex should be like if the chemistry is there. You are the man who showed me what tenderness, respect, and love can combine to be in a D/s relationship. I miss you touching me, kissing me, making me cum over and over again. The memories of what we shared will never leave, and I’m grateful for that because they are some of the most treasured ones I will ever have. While we would never be able to sustain a long-term relationship together and I know that, I will still love you.

Please take care of yourself. I hope you are happy. I hope you are in love. I hope that your world has improved. I often look for you in places where I think I might see you even though I know that I will probably never run into you again. Still, my heart still longs for you.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Online Dating Bloopers 11

Another week, another set of inane messages from clueless men in the dating world.  My patience levels have been lower than usual lately. I will sometimes ignore the men, and sometimes they get a snarky reply.

For those who are not familiar, I only have pictures of my feet and legs on dating sites, not my face. I’m also located in Texas.

Just in case anyone wonders or worries, I change names of men who don’t have common names like Joe or John. If someone named Voltron messaged me, I would alter his name to Victor.

**

“How are you” He is 13 years under my age range and is also a submissive. I don’t understand why guys like this message me. I just hit the block button.

“Hi….are both your legs tattooed?” Once again, no, my legs are not tattooed. They’re called pantyhose, guys! This guy is a smoker, so there’s not a chance in hell anyway.

“I’m 39 yrs old im6’5 with a big heart. i am the type of guy who doesnt judge anyone or treat anyone with disrespcet. It doesnt matter what on the outside it the inside that matter to me. I would love to talk to you some more here my number if you like to call me XXX-XXX-XXXX..” This is generic, and it’s from a guy I have little in common with. I also wonder what kind of woman is going to respond to a message like this with a phone number in the first message.

“Hey there sexy girl. How are you?” I often only send the link to this post in response. 

“Do you expect people to ask for your picture?” This guy pushed my buttons, so I responded, “Only the ones who are seriously interested. It filters out a lot of assholes.” And then I hit the block button.

“I like your picture. It definitely captures the moonlight in your eyes.” This guy was local and my age, and this was clearly a sarcastic comment. I just had no interest in him or replying.

“Hello Am ROY Hope am not invaliding your privacy, i Saw your profile on ok cupid, i thought i should contact you I’d like to meet someone looking for the eventual intimacy of a long-term relationship that wants to explore new activities and share some common interests with. You also share yourself easily with the right person and will surprise me with your own unique characteristics and interests. Hope that’s you .I am a well educated , intelligent , passionate man , with a very good sense of humor. I work very hard , but also enjoy times of relaxation, travel , fun ,and activity.” This wasn’t someone local. And there are just so many problems with this. He was clearly spamming women because his account has been deleted.

“Hi look, you owe me 99 cents because your profile melted my heart like a snickers bar in a pocket on a hot summer’s day. Anyway I hope to hear back from you because you look really interesting. Have a nice evening” This was someone not local who was also clearly spamming women. His account has been deleted. As far as corny pickup lines go, this one is a winner.

“Hello how are you doing today ,my name is Ben..” Again, another deleted account.

“Hey there! I’m ken. How are you?” This is someone local and my age, but he hadn’t filled out his profile. A week later, his profile is still mostly empty. He’s counting on his good looks carrying him. No thanks.

“Nice tattoos” He’s from New Jersey, and for the umpteenth time, those are stockings, not tattoos!

“Hi, how are you doing today, you look beautiful and awesome,.” Yet another guy sending a generic spam message because this doesn’t work for my photo of myself. His account has been deleted.

“Well say hi” This is someone who is 1.5 hours away, my age, and in no way a match. I hadn’t checked out his profile, so the comment is weird at best.

“hello how are u” This guy is from Arkansas and is not a good match at all.

“wanna chat sometime my name is randy XXX.XXX.XXXX” He’s three hours away, and no, I’m not going to call a man who sends me his number in the first message. Plus, his profile picture is him holding a fish.

“Tell me secret of you Sal” This man lives in Israel, and his profile is written in Hebrew. Clearly this is a bad translation. Pass.

“Incredible profile, I see you have written erotica, have you ever published any online? You seem pretty open minded so I have a question I have always wanted to ask someone, if 2 people of the same sex exchange oral sex, does that count as a sexual encounter do you think?” He’s from Oklahoma, and I didn’t even bother looking at his profile. I’m never sure if this kind of message is a man trying to jerk my chain, to find someone to have cybersex with, or is someone who is genuinely trying to get info. I send factual information and then hit the block button in response: “Yes, I have an erotic fiction blog. Any two (or more) people of any gender or any sex having oral-genital contact are having sex. The same is true of manual-genital contact, anal-oral contact, anal-genital contact, or manual-anal contact. All have a risk of sharing STIs. For informational reading, I suggest Good Vibrations’ sex ed pages, Good Vibrations’ book, or The Guide to Getting It On (any edition, available on Amazon or elsewhere).”

“Would love to chat sometime young lady. Frank” This was someone local, and he’s in my age range. However, he hasn’t filled out his profile at all. Then there’s the way he messaged me. I sent back the message, “I, like all women, deserve to be approached with respect. You have failed at that. Please read this blog post I have written. You have failed at many of its aspects.” And then I hit the block button.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Online Dating Bloopers 10

Another set of inane messages from clueless men in the dating world. This is from across several weeks as I turned off my dating apps for a while. I also deleted two of my dating accounts because I was tired of receiving messages from men who were nothing like what I was looking for on those particular sites. Thus, the number of messages has dropped significantly.

For those who are not familiar, I only have pictures of my feet and legs on dating sites, not my face. I’m also located in Texas.

Just in case anyone wonders or worries, I change names of men who don’t have common names like Joe or John. If someone named Voltron messaged me, I would alter his name to Victor.

**

“You must get a lot of attention, don’t you?” He’s from NYC. This feels like a creative but generic phrase to get women’s attention!

“Hi I’m Alex, how are you doing today? you look good and i’d love to know you. xo” He’s from Louisiana. I’m not sure what looks so good about my legs. I’m also not into hugs and kisses from a man whom I’m “meeting” online. We’re not a match, either.

“Hi, how are you? If you are willing to trust in a person when all others tell you to go against it, if you are willing to risk getting your heart broken because you believe in that other person, Then that is true love..How I wish to get close to you and know you better.. I will like to hear from you as soon as possible” He’s from New York, and this is really utter nonsense as far as an introductory message goes.

“I would like to ask you a question it might sound stupid but I would love to hear your answer, if you get to choose between love and money what you would you choose?” He’s a bit under my target age range, and he’s in New York. This is also an intelligent generic spam message. He does get credit for being more creative than most men, though!

“Why don’t you have a face pic?” This guy was local but not a match, so I sent him my goblin kingdom response and hit the block button.

“Hello
How are you doing today?
I like your profile,
You are very attractive !
Sam”  This same guy has spammed me from another account. He claims to both be a doctor for Doctors without Borders and a caregiver for someone with a disability. I’m guessing only one of those is true, if that.

“Hey there. Saw ur profile.
I’m in town on business all of next week.
Would love to chat. Maybe grab a drink if we click.
Let me know if your interested
Hope to hear from you
Cheers!” Clearly he didn’t read my profile. I’m not looking for hookups with out of town guys (in this case, Chicago). I also have a thing about being attracted to men who know how to use your and you’re properly. “Ur” is not a word!

“Hi. Did you flag my pic? Lol” First of all, lol is not a punctuation mark or the way to end any sentence. Second, yes, I did flag your picture. You are not the San Antonio Spurs. I’m certain of it.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Disappeared Stories

Yesterday I removed five ageplay stories from my archives. It was a decision that I took several months to make, but ultimately I felt I couldn’t leave them up even though I loved them and had put a lot of work into them.

The man I wrote those stories for is someone I only dated for a short period of time. Since our breakup, I’ve become more aware of his predilections, things I didn’t want to see while we were dating. I’m someone who is very open-minded about accepting everyone’s kinks and fetishes as long as all involved can give consent. Some of this man’s desires violate consent of others.

Because of that, I’ve removed the stories I wrote for him. I don’t in any way want to contribute to his or others’ similar fetishes and desires which involve non-consent.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com