A New Theory

My spanking fetish continues to be AWOL most of the time. I thought it was due to medication changes, but that doesn’t seem to have played out.

Perimenopausal hormone shifts may be playing in. Most of the month, I had have no desire for anything related to spanking. Sometimes I’ll get a small spike in interest when my hormones change around ovulation and my period, but most months I’m not even getting that anymore.

When I look at spanking porn and spanking erotica most of the time right now, I’m either uninterested or repulsed. They just don’t work for me. I find this puzzling at best. Even more vanilla porn or erotica aren’t working for me either any more. I desperately want to have passionate (relatively) vanilla sex with a man who wants to have sex with me, but the rest of it… eh. No interest. This is a pretty radical change for me from how I’ve been in recent years.

My newest theory is that the real culprit is the lack of sex in my life. I’m turning into a female eunuch. I’m not using it, so I’m losing it.

Seriously, this is the longest dry spell I’ve had in quite a while. It’s definitely not working for me, but I’m also unwilling to settle for a hookup right now. I’m happier when I’m in a relationship with some stability rather than just finding sex for sex’s sake. Maybe that’s a sign that I’m getting old and wise!

My blog posts will probably continue to be erratic as a result. When I do have a burst of kinky desire, I try to pre-schedule several future posts. Lately, though, I haven’t even had the interest in doing that. I really hope that will change in the near future, though.


A Valentine’s Day Secret

This blog post brought to you by a bottle of red wine and a box of assorted dark chocolates, both of which were bought by me, for me.

Psst. Wanna know a secret?

I hate Valentine’s Day.

Twice a year, I let the calendar get to me a lot more than I should. Valentine’s Day is one of those two occasions. And even though it’s not even February yet, the big ol’ V-Day curse is haunting me and depressing me.

You see, I’ve never celebrated Valentine’s Day with a boyfriend, lover or partner. Never. Ever. For some reason, fate laughs at me, and I’m always single on Valentine’s Day, left alone to watch all the other happy people surrounding me as they celebrate their love for each other.

The only time I wasn’t single on Valentine’s Day was when I was dating or married to my now ex-husband, and even when we were dating he didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. He didn’t see the point. He already had me following him around like a dope because I was so head over heels for him, so why should he do anything out of the ordinary for me? He didn’t think he had to because he knew my love for him was assured. Hence, he never once bought me a card, flowers, chocolates, jewelry or even wished me a happy Valentine’s Day. Instead, it was just another ordinary day to him. I bought him cards, wrote him love letters, bought him candy and gave him flowers. He just didn’t return the sentiments.

So even though I had a partner on Valentine’s Day for so many years, I still had to watch others lugging roses from their boyfriends around campus, or in later years, posting pictures of them on Facebook with notes about how amazing their partners were. Me? Nope. Nothing to post. Nothing at all.

This year all the Valentine’s Day marketing seems to have started earlier than usual, and it already has put me in my February funk. While Valentine’s Day is still more than two weeks away, I can pretty much be assured I won’t be having kinky sex then to celebrate my love for a man or his love for me. Instead, I’ll be here drinking my wine and binge eating my chocolates. Alone.

Valentine’s Day really sucks for the singles, y’all. No matter how much “Singles Appreciation Day” spin you try to put on it, when you want to be in a relationship and aren’t, it just is no fun to watch everyone else around you celebrating their romantic love with their partners.


Thanks a Lot

When you go on a really great date with a guy you really like that ends too soon but with an enthusiastic hug and kiss (both initiated by him) and then two days later he sends an email that says, “BTW, I really like you and want to see you again but I’m actually exploring poly so it won’t work out so best of luck.” Um, did you not think to mention this when I discussed during the date how hard of a time I am having finding a monogamous man? Why did you kiss me like that if you knew I was mono and you are poly? Did you really think you are Prince Charming and that your kiss would somehow magically convert me to poly?

Thanks a lot for leaving me completely devastated and ensuring that my 2018 gets off to the same shitty start that 2017 ended on. Had you not kissed me and had just been honest on the date, I wouldn’t have been so deeply hurt. But now? Now I feel used and decimated. I didn’t need your pity hug and pity kiss.


That Dolphin, Again

Backstory: OkCupid has a question that I’ve written about before: “While in the middle of the best lovemaking of your life, if your lover asked you to squeal like a dolphin, would you?”

So once while getting into bed for the first time with a man whom I met on OkCupid, we were making out and generally engaging in the type of activities that happen when two consenting adults decide they want to have sex with each other. He paused the activities, looked me in the eye, and said, “Don’t worry. I’m not going to ask you to squeal like a dolphin.” I cracked up. I was so grateful to him for bringing that little bit of humor into the bedroom to relieve the nervous tension that was there between us both. It lightened the mood and definitely increased the passion of the foreplay.


The Lube Cabinet

Once when I was having sex with a man on our first date, we reached the juncture where lube was needed. I grabbed my bag of lubes for our use. He took one look at it and said, “Wow. You have more types of lube than most people have kinds of booze in their liquor cabinets. I like you!”

(I only had five bottles of four different kinds… in that particular bag anyway! 🙂 )


I Hope You Dance

To me there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Loving someone is fairly easy for me to do. I love deeply and easily. I definitely love many of my friends and, of course, my children. Being in love with someone is a different sensation. It’s eros rather than philia, agape or storge.

I have loved many men and I have been in love with many men in my life. The love for those men never leaves. It fades into the background and no longer is so dominant in my heart, but I will always love the men who have a place in my heart even after they have hurt me deeply and/or we have parted ways.

However, being in love with another person eventually fades. It’s not just lust. It’s a deeper emotion than that. It’s the passion and excitement that we share when we are in a sexual and/or emotional romantic relationship with another human. When the relationship ends, it’s this part that usually hurts so much: letting go of the “in love” with that man before I was ready to end things between us.

For me, the way I know that I am no longer in love with a past partner is when I can be happy for them in their new relationships. I no longer wish I was with them, though I may still love the vivid memories I have of the moments we shared. However, I eventually reach a point where I am easily able to say that I am glad they have moved on, and more importantly, I am glad they have found another.

There’s no time scale for when falling out of love happens for me. Sometimes it takes weeks. Sometimes it takes years. I don’t know if the depth of my love for that man factors in. Sometimes it seems completely random as to why it’s easier to fall out of love with a man than with others. However, when I reach that point of being happy that the person is loving another, then I know I have healed from losing them in my life. I love the way Lee Ann Womack says it:

God forbid love ever leave you empty handed…
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

I have reached that point with all of my past loves except the most recent. My heart still hurts over him. I know we can’t be together again for so many reasons, but if I were to see him with another woman now, I would hurt. I’m so ready for my heart to reach that place of peace where I can honestly say to him, “I am so happy you found her and that she is making you happy again.” Each day I get closer to reaching that point. I hope that it happens soon because I truly do want him to be happy, and I want to be happy about him being in love with someone else when he finds her.