Cybersex

On Bisexuality

Our experiences in life often seem to come in waves with similar themes. For me, the most recent theme in my online dating experiences have revolved around men who are bisexual but unable to admit it.

I’m heterosexual. I am still looking for a gay bone in my body. I would love to be bisexual or pansexual so that I could widen my dating pool, but I’ve never felt a sexual attraction to someone who isn’t a heterosexual masculine cisman. However, I’d bet that 75+% of my female friends are bisexual. Most are not afraid to admit it. They range in how bisexual they are from being attracted to other women but never having acted on it to actually having had sexual relationships with other women. In the liberal parts of our society, female bisexuality is seen as an acceptable thing; however, I also recognize that bisexual women are often seen as “confused” by parts of our society and are left out of the queer community in other parts. I think the common male fantasy of having a threesome with two women helps fuels this acceptance of bisexuality among women.

Male bisexuality doesn’t receive that same acceptance in our greatly confused culture. Men are supposed to be manly men who desire women. Women are supposed to have low sex drives, and they aren’t supposed to have threesome fantasies involving two men. Threesome fantasies are reserved for horny men, and they are supposed to be made up of two women and a man. Despite these incorrect ideas, male bisexuality is a reality. I have no idea how common it is, though I suspect far more men are bisexual than will admit.

In my first encounter online recently, I was approached by a man who considers himself to be straight and in terms of kink identifies as a switch. We began talking about common fetishes, and eventually he started sharing one of his recent sexual experiences with me in which he was the submissive. The experience was one that involved two major fetishes of his that are actually turn-offs for me, but that didn’t stop him from sharing the experience with me. He really wasn’t interested in turning me on; he just wanted to get himself off by telling me about what turns him on. It’s the kind of thing that is a red flag that he would probably not be a great lover.

The more this guy talked about his recent experience, I was able to discern that it was a man he had been with, not a woman. I began probing for more information, and it turned out that 25% of his sexual experiences had been with men! At that point, I don’t think one can truly identify as straight. However, since the sexual experiences “only” involved hand jobs and blowjobs with no anal penetration, the man I was messaging didn’t consider them to be “real” sexual experiences with men. By lying to himself in this way, he could continue his delusion that he was straight rather than facing up to his own sexual desires.

This wasn’t the first guy I’d encountered who was lying to himself about being straight. A few years ago, I messaged with a man who wanted to talk with me about a sexual experience he’d had. The threesome consisted of his ex-girlfriend, her current boyfriend, and him. This guy was particularly turned on by the fact that the other man was of a different race than he was. As he told me the story, he insisted he was straight, but given that this was the sexual experience of his that he chose to relate in great detail while messaging with me, I wasn’t necessarily convinced.

Another guy I ran into recently on the internet was at least able to label himself bi-curious. However, I think he had long since passed the bi-curious phase. He’d had many casual sex experiences with men. Like the other men I’d messaged with previously, he just wanted to tell me about his last sexual experience with another man in which he served as the bottom. Given that I’m a sub looking for a Dom, it wasn’t a story that would really turn me on so this man wasn’t thinking about his audience. Again, this was a red flag for me that this wasn’t really a guy I would be interested in having a relationship with.

Eventually this man opened up and said that he was looking for a long term relationship with a woman but he also wanted to have a friends with benefits relationship with a man who “really got him.” To me, that very clearly said that this man was preferring homosexual encounters but was too afraid to admit that to the rest of the world. He wanted to have a woman on his arm to “prove” that he was straight while having a male lover in secret. Furthermore, he wasn’t clear on the fact that I’m monogamous seeking a long term relationship that might lead to marriage, and I didn’t want to be his beard.

I don’t have a problem with bisexuality. I’d happily date a bisexual man who was willing to be monogamous with a woman. I wouldn’t mind watching gay porn with him. However, I don’t want to be with a man who can’t admit his own sexuality to himself nonetheless to me. It’s important to me that my partner know whom he is or be actively working on discovering his sexual identity. Denial is not part of that equation.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Does Cybersex “Count”?

In my book, any encounter that includes genital contact and pleasure is sex. Thus, despite Bill Clinton’s protests, I believe he did have sexual relations with his intern. Oral, anal, vaginal, hand jobs, genital toys… all are definitely sex in my opinion.

So that leaves the question about cybersex. Is it sex? Does it count? When you number the partners that you’ve had, do you count cybersex partners into that number?

I’ve never counted my cybersex partners in my tally of sexual partners. There’s no STI risk. There’s no touch between us, though we certainly are touching ourselves. Sometimes (often) I don’t even know the man’s full name.

Yet part of me thinks about these men when I think about my sexual experiences. There’s something that happens during cybersex for me. I develop some kind of bond with the partner. It’s nowhere near as strong as the bond that happens during physical sex, but still, there’s something there.

Likewise, cybersex can be as good or as bad as in-person sex. A partner may or may not work well for me. Sometimes cybersex leads to in-person sex. Other times it teaches us that we aren’t great partners for each other.

A prior in-person sex partner of mine wanted to continue to have cybersex with other women while we were dating. I was mortified. I didn’t consider that a part of monogamy. To me, if he was having cybersex with other women, he was cheating on me. So in that sense, I certainly was counting cybersex as sex.

So does cybersex count? I still don’t know. In some ways it does, and in other ways it doesn’t. I don’t think most people today count cybersex as sex, but I wonder if future generations will include cybersex partners in their partner tally. “The times, they are a-changin’.”

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com