BDSM

Violating Hard Limits

In the world of BDSM, hard limits are the things that you absolutely will not do. Hard limits vary from person to person. For instance, I’ve mentioned before that choking is a hard limit of mine. I refuse to engage in any kind of sexual asphyxiation activities, though for many others these are some of their favorite activities. In contrast, I love anal sex and am happy to engage in it, both giving and receiving. For the majority of women, anal sex is a hard limit.

When a former partner of mine violated my hard limits in multiple kinky ways, I was initially in shock. I didn’t understand how this man I trusted could do these things to me. He was a loving person toward me, so what was causing him to treat me with so little respect? When I asked him, he couldn’t explain it to me. I have since theorized that he has a fetish of violating women’s hard limits that stems back to his incredibly toxic relationship with his mother who violated his limits repeatedly. Perhaps his subconscious is taking it out on the women he dates since he doesn’t see a therapist to work on his major issues with his mother. Regardless of why he did it, though, this past partner violated my limits, and he knew what he had done was wrong in the aftermath.

The bottom line is that violating hard limits is sexual abuse. This is not something I’ve often seen explicitly expressed in the writing around hard limits that I’ve read. I’m sure it’s in part because the BDSM community is loath to associate anything they do with abuse. The vanilla world already struggles to understand how kinky people can enjoy things like spanking and bondage and how those things can be consensual and enjoyable.

Yet violation of hard limits is something that can happen in vanilla sex as well as kinky sex. The violations that this partner did to me were well within the kinky range, but I have had another past partner who violated my limits in very vanilla ways. When I told that man no, he would try the forbidden activity anyway because he didn’t really respect my feelings about it. He didn’t see why that activity was a problem for me, and his narcissism kept him from caring when his orgasm was his ultimate goal at that point.

Whether it’s done in a kinky situation or a vanilla one, violating someone’s hard limits is absolutely not ok. No means no. Yes means yes, and a yes should be given enthusiastically—a “fuck yes!” to any mutually agreed upon activity. When a partner crosses those limits, sexual abuse happens. Sexual abuse is NEVER ok. It doesn’t matter what the sexual abuse looks like. It’s a very clear violation of that person’s rights.

If a partner ever violates your hard limits, talk about it with the partner if it was a minor violation that might have come from a miscommunication. We’re all human, and mistakes do happen in the passion of the moment in sexual acts. However, if violations happen repeatedly, that’s not an accident. That’s sexual abuse. At that point, it’s time to leave the relationship if it is just a casual dating one. If it’s a marriage or committed relationship, a therapist is mandated at that point if you don’t choose to end things without further outside help. Regardless, drastic action needs to happen because sexual abuse is never ok.

I pray often for the new partner of the man who repeatedly violated my kinky limits. He says he has learned from what he did to me and has changed. Those are famous last words. Sometimes they are true. Often they are not. However, his new partner is very young—barely legal—and I know she isn’t going to have the strength to leave him if he starts sexually abusing her the way he did to me. I didn’t have the strength to leave the man who would sexually abuse me within the context of our consensual sexual relationship when I was her age. I didn’t even understand that what he was doing was abuse. Now, I’m clear on it, and no man will treat me that way again.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Coping with the Lies

When I broke up with one of my past sexual partners, it was not the friendly breakup I had hoped for with him. We both knew the relationship was not going to last long because there were too many differences between us. However, we liked each other and had a good time together both in and out of bed. We decided to spend time together while things worked, and when they quit working, we’d break up amicably.

Unfortunately, he began lying to me before, during and after the breakup. Some of them were little things that didn’t matter. Others were much larger including the fact that he had started wooing his next lover while we were dating monogamously though he hadn’t had sex yet with her before our breakup. To me, though, lies are lies. Avoiding the truth is no better than a lie; in my book, they’re the opposite sides of the same coin. When I figure out people are lying to me or hiding the truth from me, I lose all respect for them. It kills the trust I have for them and ultimately destroys our relationship.

One of the bigger lies this lover told me was that he didn’t have a choking fetish. In my opinion, choking is not SSC, and it’s not something I’m even remotely willing to entertain. This is a fact that I shared clearly with this lover beginning with the very first online conversation we had. At that time, he told me that it wasn’t something he was into, but rather it was something he had just done before because two past partners of his were into it. He claimed he had to be convinced to do it but wasn’t comfortable with it.

For me, I don’t even like having my partner’s hand on the front of my throat, something I also made clear to this lover once we were involved. However, time and again my lover would try to put his hand on the front of my throat. I would remove it and redirect it to the back of my neck, reminding him I wasn’t comfortable with his actions. Despite my protests, it didn’t stop him from trying to put his hand there repeatedly. He gave me the excuse (or in other terms, the lie), “I just think a man putting his hand on the front of a woman’s neck is incredibly sexy.” Yet when we broke up, I spent some time perusing Tumblr account. There for anyone to see was photo after photo of men choking women during sex. Clearly it wasn’t just a fetish of his past partners, but he couldn’t own up to his own desires. Rather, he felt it was necessary to lie to me about his desires that were in conflict with my hard limits.

Because I live in a smaller town, I ran into another ex-lover of my ex-lover one day while out and about. I asked her to help explain this guy to me because weeks after our breakup I still hadn’t been able to understand him completely. I needed to understand why he treated me the way he did and why he lied to me the way he did. She told me that his underlying character flaw was that he was always the victim in his mind: Nothing would ever be his fault. Given that I had been married to a man for more than ten years who also loved to play the victim, I was surprised I hadn’t seen that commonality.

However, when I stopped and thought about it, I realized that her explanation made sense. Every lie he told me was one to defer the blame from himself. He couldn’t be responsible enough to own up to his own behavior. To me, that’s a major sign of immaturity. Even when he violated my hard limits, it was something he tried to excuse or blame on others. That’s just not ok. Even though I had hoped that this former lover and I would stay friends after our break up, that was no longer an option for me when I realized I couldn’t trust him anymore. The truth matters an awful lot to me, and he had shown it wasn’t as important to him.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com