Advice

Converting a Vanilla

Like many kinky people, I was trapped in a vanilla marriage for a very long time. Unlike many kinky people, I actually did manage to “convert” my (now ex-) husband after more than a decade of attempts. I don’t recommend taking that path. It was a lot of work, and it caused a lot of pain for me along the way.

So how did I do it? How do you convert a vanilla? My experience is that it is an arduous process. Think about a snail running a marathon or even a 100m race for that matter. There’s no way to make it faster. The conversion just took time and persistence. That’s not to say that I was bugging my ex every single day for kinky sex. Sometimes we would go years before I would bring kink up again because he had shot me down so thoroughly the last time I tried.

However, my general approach was to figure out which kink he was most likely to be attracted to. My primary kink is usually spanking (except with this hormonal crap of late…). However, spanking was a total turn off for him. He had no interest. He didn’t want to hurt me. He didn’t see the appeal. He wasn’t going to do something that “weird.”

On the other hand, this same guy loved tying knots. He had learned from his dad when sailing, so any time he got his hand on a piece of twine or rope, he’d fiddle with it, tying knots. To me, it didn’t seem like a huge jump from tying knots in rope for fun to tying up a woman using rope and knots. However, his brain couldn’t make that connection. So slowly I worked him up to it. I bought the rope and showed it to him, but it stayed in the closet because he didn’t want to use it. When I was under the influence of various legal substances and more relaxed than usual, I would get brave enough talk to him about my fantasies involving rope in bed. Then, one day, suddenly it clicked. He figured out that he liked tying knots in rope, and bondage was just tying knots in rope with a naked woman involved. I brought out the rope, and finally, after so many years of prepping, he was ready to begin exploring this kink with me on rare occasions.

Honestly, it took a sex therapist getting involved before I could get him to do anything else kinky with me. He was resistant to so many sexual acts outside of missionary position penis-in-vagina sex. Our therapist began putting pressure on him to actually try some kink as a way of improving our relationship—such a radical concept which I had been trying to get through to him for years! However, my ex was able to hear it from the male sex therapist in a way that he couldn’t hear me. I think having another man telling him that it was ok to do these things gave him psychological permission to try things he felt were taboo. In the last year of our marriage, the sex became the best it had ever been for me because there was finally kink involved. It wasn’t enough to salvage the very damaged relationship, but it was enough to make my life a little happier.

As we were divorcing, we had a few brutal final fights. One of my ex’s parting comments to me was that it was all my fault that he wasn’t going to be able to just date “normal” women now. He wasn’t going to be happy unless he was in a kinky relationship because he had learned to love bondage that much by the end. Of course, I had absolutely no sympathy for his “problem” of needing to find bondage bunnies in the future. I didn’t actually convert him. All I really did was help him become aware of what was already inside of him. What I did was help break down the barriers he had put up to kinky sex, and now he was being forced to deal with his own true sexual desires.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Anal Sex

I love anal sex. Plain and simple. When I write anal sex into my erotic fiction, it’s not a porn thing or a fantasy thing. It’s reality. For me, anal sex is one of the most incredible sexual experiences I can have. Some of the most powerful orgasms I’ve ever had were from anal sex without any clitoral stimulation. When I told one man I was messaging with that I love anal sex, he responded, “Marry me!” This was from a guy who didn’t ever want to get married… he was that amazed to find a woman who loved anal sex and was willing to volunteer for it. Hell, I’ll even beg a partner for anal sex if it turns him on because I truly do want it.

So why is anal sex so powerful for me? Beats the shit out of me! (Sorry… I couldn’t resist.) I truly don’t know, though. It’s a physical pleasure. From the time I began trying to convince my first lover to have anal sex with me (and he refused to do something so “deviant”), I’ve been very attracted to the idea of having anal sex. For me, there was no “attraction to the taboo” allure that many articles site as the potential reason anal sex is so enjoyable for many men and women. I’m not someone who wants to do something just because it’s taboo. I’m actually less likely to do something that is taboo. Bestiality? That’s taboo, but no thanks. Having sex in public? No thanks. But anal sex? As long as there is plenty of lube and a condom involved, sign me up.

I’ve always known my butt is very sensitive to touch. I adore it when my lovers put their hands on my butt, especially on my sit spots. I love a pat on the butt or a gentle caress. I also love a good smack as we all know from this blog. I think it was just an intuitive knowledge that if my butt was that sensitive, my asshole probably was, too.

Anal sex has never been painful for me. Again, I’m not sure why. When I first saw articles about taking it slow and training an asshole to accept a very small butt plug so that it will eventually accept a cock, I was puzzled. When my first willing partner and I had anal sex, we lubed and condomed up, and then he just plunged in. There were no problems aside from the expected temporary resistance at the sphincter. We both experienced a great deal of pleasure from our first try at anal sex, but it’s not that way for everyone.

Much later in life when I finally experienced a lover who wanted me to do anal play on him, I was amazed at how much less he could accept in his ass than I could. I suddenly started seeing why articles help people to slowly work up to bigger and deeper penetration. I had one partner who could not accept any penetration at all. His butt clenched up tightly, and I wasn’t able to get anything in more than a centimeter without him going into pain. For him, it is probably going to take years of training work before he’ll be able to get his prostate massaged. Why? Again, I’m not sure.

I’ve also found it very interesting how many men have approached me wanting to be pegged. It’s a secret fantasy for many, many heterosexual men. They just are scared to voice it to most women because they are afraid of being judged for being “gay.” Every single one of those who have asked me to peg them have preceded the request with, “I’m not gay, but I’ve always really wanted to try anal penetration.” I then have to teach all of them that anal sex is not a “gay thing.” It’s a sexual thing. Anal sex feels good or even amazing for lots of people of all orientations, genders, and sexes. The fact that anal is still shamed for heterosexual men as a “gay thing” is ridiculous and is evidence of the horrible amount of homophobia still prevalent in our culture. It’s time to get rid of that crap (ahem) and accept that anyone can love anal play without it making them any less of a man, woman or person. All anal play says about the participating individuals is that they are sensual people who love something that is considered kinky or taboo by part of society.

Because I love anal sex so much, I also hate that anal has so many derogatory ways of referring to it. Riding the chocolate highway, fudgepacking, the “wrong” hole, buggering… so many of these euphemisms have negative connotations in our culture. It’s time for that to stop, too. Those negative phrases contribute to the too pervasive idea that “good girls” or straight men shouldn’t want anal sex. Those who want anal sex should be seen as sexually healthy people who are able to expand their minds beyond the idea that “real” sex is just penis-in-vagina sex. There are so many amazing ways to have pleasure with our bodies, and we shouldn’t be shamed for those desires or actions.

Likewise, if you don’t want to have anal sex or you don’t enjoy it, that’s ok, too. According to surveys, most women don’t. I wonder how much of that dislike of anal sex is due to psychological brainwashing that women shouldn’t like anal sex because good girls don’t do that sort of thing or because women are “supposed” to find anal sex painful. If people truly don’t enjoy anal sex, that’s perfectly ok. But if you’re someone who is curious about or enjoying anal sex, know that’s ok, too. You are normal. Human sexuality is vast and diverse, and you are a lucky person to get to experience that pleasure that some others don’t get to enjoy.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Let’s Talk About Sex

The other day, I was texting with a former lover. He is a great guy and was an amazing lover, but he wasn’t the right guy for me. He’s in a long term relationship with someone else now, and I am truly happy for him. It’s been long enough since we were together that even though I still miss him, I am glad he’s got someone who is right for him.

As we were texting, he very politely asked if he could ask me some sex-related questions. That made me laugh, but I said “Sure.” Why not? We’re both grownups. If we had great sex with each other at one point, we should still be able to talk about it now. He wanted some input on an issue around sex with his girlfriend. I had no problem giving him advice. He even noted at one point in the texting, “This isn’t awkward for you at all, is it?” No, it really wasn’t. I was happy to tell him the information he wanted plus some more information, too.

When I mentioned this conversation to one of my female friends, she said, “You are a better person than me. I couldn’t have had that conversation with an ex.” That comment made me think about my other exes. I couldn’t have had that conversation with all of them. Some of them have too big of egos; they’d never go to an ex to ask for help around a sexual issue because that would imply that they weren’t the perfect lover. Others are too shy when it comes to talking about sex outside of the context of actually having it. They’d be too embarrassed to have that kind of conversation with anyone nonetheless me. Then there are the lovers where the wound is still too fresh. The idea of them having sex with someone who isn’t me is just painful. Someday I will probably be able to have an open conversation with them about sex and their new partners, but I’m not there yet.

It’s really a shame so many in our society aren’t able to talk more openly with those we’re close to about sex. The more we talk about sex in an instructional, educational way, the more barriers will drop. The more we understand sex, the better it will be for all of us. Our society needs to get away from its weird taboos around talking about sex while at the same time using sex to sell everything from cars to perfume to prescription drugs to Halloween candy.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Violating Hard Limits

In the world of BDSM, hard limits are the things that you absolutely will not do. Hard limits vary from person to person. For instance, I’ve mentioned before that choking is a hard limit of mine. I refuse to engage in any kind of sexual asphyxiation activities, though for many others these are some of their favorite activities. In contrast, I love anal sex and am happy to engage in it, both giving and receiving. For the majority of women, anal sex is a hard limit.

When a former partner of mine violated my hard limits in multiple kinky ways, I was initially in shock. I didn’t understand how this man I trusted could do these things to me. He was a loving person toward me, so what was causing him to treat me with so little respect? When I asked him, he couldn’t explain it to me. I have since theorized that he has a fetish of violating women’s hard limits that stems back to his incredibly toxic relationship with his mother who violated his limits repeatedly. Perhaps his subconscious is taking it out on the women he dates since he doesn’t see a therapist to work on his major issues with his mother. Regardless of why he did it, though, this past partner violated my limits, and he knew what he had done was wrong in the aftermath.

The bottom line is that violating hard limits is sexual abuse. This is not something I’ve often seen explicitly expressed in the writing around hard limits that I’ve read. I’m sure it’s in part because the BDSM community is loath to associate anything they do with abuse. The vanilla world already struggles to understand how kinky people can enjoy things like spanking and bondage and how those things can be consensual and enjoyable.

Yet violation of hard limits is something that can happen in vanilla sex as well as kinky sex. The violations that this partner did to me were well within the kinky range, but I have had another past partner who violated my limits in very vanilla ways. When I told that man no, he would try the forbidden activity anyway because he didn’t really respect my feelings about it. He didn’t see why that activity was a problem for me, and his narcissism kept him from caring when his orgasm was his ultimate goal at that point.

Whether it’s done in a kinky situation or a vanilla one, violating someone’s hard limits is absolutely not ok. No means no. Yes means yes, and a yes should be given enthusiastically—a “fuck yes!” to any mutually agreed upon activity. When a partner crosses those limits, sexual abuse happens. Sexual abuse is NEVER ok. It doesn’t matter what the sexual abuse looks like. It’s a very clear violation of that person’s rights.

If a partner ever violates your hard limits, talk about it with the partner if it was a minor violation that might have come from a miscommunication. We’re all human, and mistakes do happen in the passion of the moment in sexual acts. However, if violations happen repeatedly, that’s not an accident. That’s sexual abuse. At that point, it’s time to leave the relationship if it is just a casual dating one. If it’s a marriage or committed relationship, a therapist is mandated at that point if you don’t choose to end things without further outside help. Regardless, drastic action needs to happen because sexual abuse is never ok.

I pray often for the new partner of the man who repeatedly violated my kinky limits. He says he has learned from what he did to me and has changed. Those are famous last words. Sometimes they are true. Often they are not. However, his new partner is very young—barely legal—and I know she isn’t going to have the strength to leave him if he starts sexually abusing her the way he did to me. I didn’t have the strength to leave the man who would sexually abuse me within the context of our consensual sexual relationship when I was her age. I didn’t even understand that what he was doing was abuse. Now, I’m clear on it, and no man will treat me that way again.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Womanscaping

I have never liked women’s electric razors. I’ve always found them to do a pathetic job on my leg hair. I much prefer a safety razor. When I was pregnant, I was able to talk my ex-husband into using his electric razor on my legs when I could no longer see or reach them. I was amazed at the difference. His razor worked a million times better than any “women’s” razor I had ever tried.

I didn’t do much sculpting of my pubic hair during marriage. My ex didn’t care, so I had a full bush most of the time. During pregnancy, I found that too hot, so my ex would use some hair scissors to trim it back, but it wasn’t really a very neat attempt.

Thus, entering the dating world again after my divorce, I quickly discovered most men greatly preferred a shaved pussy, though a few liked a neat trim or at least found it an acceptable substitute for a fresh shave. Full bushes definitely aren’t in style for most men of my age range at this time.

After giving myself a massive amount of razor burn trying to use a safety razor to shave my pussy, I decided it was time to try to find an electric razor for the job. After doing a great deal of research on the best razor for a woman to use on her delicate parts, I selected the Philips HP6378 Bikini Perfect Deluxe Trimmer, Opal / Aqua.

Plain and simple, I hated it.

From the start, the razor blade felt horribly dull and even like it was old and previously used. It tugged and pulled painfully on my pubic hair. It seemed like it barely removed anything in the process. My boyfriend also tried to use the epilator attachment to remove hair. While it worked, it was painful. Even worse, though, was getting so many ingrown hairs as they tried to grow back in.

I’ve given up using the Bikini Perfect Deluxe Trimmer except for one task: The epilator works well for removing those pesky dark midlife chin hairs. It’s not too uncomfortable on my chin, and I’ve only gotten one ingrown hair on regrowth on my chin.

But that once again left me with the challenge of what to do with my nether regions. I returned to my safety razor, making sure to use a new blade, but I still gave myself more razor burn than I would like. Finally, I remembered my experience with my ex-husband’s razor when I was pregnant. If men’s razors were better for legs, surely they were better for genitals, too?

71nzgdxyksl-_sy679_Once again, I did my research on the internet and settled on the Philips Norelco Bodygroom Series 7100, BG2040. After charging it up, I used the trimming edge to beat back my hair to a manageable level. Then I set about shaving it. What a difference! It was like the razor was fresh and new. With no cuts, I had an amazingly smooth pussy. Upon regrowth, I only had one ingrown hair. I was so impressed.

So why, once again, is it that the men’s product worked so well and the women’s product that is made by the same manufacturer was a piece of crap? Both were the same price ($60), yet one works and the other is horrible. Why is it that women’s razors aren’t as strong as men’s? In my experience, my pubic hair is the same texture and length as many of my partners’. So why should my razor have any less oomph to it? Why should my blade not be as sharp? I can understand possibly designing different shapes to the razors since male and female genitalia are obviously different in shape. But there’s no excuse for women’s razors not being as effective as men’s.

Women’s razors need to be just as serviceable as men’s. We don’t want our razors to be pretty and pink. We just want them to do their jobs without any painful side effects!

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Online Dating Bloopers 11

Another week, another set of inane messages from clueless men in the dating world.  My patience levels have been lower than usual lately. I will sometimes ignore the men, and sometimes they get a snarky reply.

For those who are not familiar, I only have pictures of my feet and legs on dating sites, not my face. I’m also located in Texas.

Just in case anyone wonders or worries, I change names of men who don’t have common names like Joe or John. If someone named Voltron messaged me, I would alter his name to Victor.

**

“How are you” He is 13 years under my age range and is also a submissive. I don’t understand why guys like this message me. I just hit the block button.

“Hi….are both your legs tattooed?” Once again, no, my legs are not tattooed. They’re called pantyhose, guys! This guy is a smoker, so there’s not a chance in hell anyway.

“I’m 39 yrs old im6’5 with a big heart. i am the type of guy who doesnt judge anyone or treat anyone with disrespcet. It doesnt matter what on the outside it the inside that matter to me. I would love to talk to you some more here my number if you like to call me XXX-XXX-XXXX..” This is generic, and it’s from a guy I have little in common with. I also wonder what kind of woman is going to respond to a message like this with a phone number in the first message.

“Hey there sexy girl. How are you?” I often only send the link to this post in response. 

“Do you expect people to ask for your picture?” This guy pushed my buttons, so I responded, “Only the ones who are seriously interested. It filters out a lot of assholes.” And then I hit the block button.

“I like your picture. It definitely captures the moonlight in your eyes.” This guy was local and my age, and this was clearly a sarcastic comment. I just had no interest in him or replying.

“Hello Am ROY Hope am not invaliding your privacy, i Saw your profile on ok cupid, i thought i should contact you I’d like to meet someone looking for the eventual intimacy of a long-term relationship that wants to explore new activities and share some common interests with. You also share yourself easily with the right person and will surprise me with your own unique characteristics and interests. Hope that’s you .I am a well educated , intelligent , passionate man , with a very good sense of humor. I work very hard , but also enjoy times of relaxation, travel , fun ,and activity.” This wasn’t someone local. And there are just so many problems with this. He was clearly spamming women because his account has been deleted.

“Hi look, you owe me 99 cents because your profile melted my heart like a snickers bar in a pocket on a hot summer’s day. Anyway I hope to hear back from you because you look really interesting. Have a nice evening” This was someone not local who was also clearly spamming women. His account has been deleted. As far as corny pickup lines go, this one is a winner.

“Hello how are you doing today ,my name is Ben..” Again, another deleted account.

“Hey there! I’m ken. How are you?” This is someone local and my age, but he hadn’t filled out his profile. A week later, his profile is still mostly empty. He’s counting on his good looks carrying him. No thanks.

“Nice tattoos” He’s from New Jersey, and for the umpteenth time, those are stockings, not tattoos!

“Hi, how are you doing today, you look beautiful and awesome,.” Yet another guy sending a generic spam message because this doesn’t work for my photo of myself. His account has been deleted.

“Well say hi” This is someone who is 1.5 hours away, my age, and in no way a match. I hadn’t checked out his profile, so the comment is weird at best.

“hello how are u” This guy is from Arkansas and is not a good match at all.

“wanna chat sometime my name is randy XXX.XXX.XXXX” He’s three hours away, and no, I’m not going to call a man who sends me his number in the first message. Plus, his profile picture is him holding a fish.

“Tell me secret of you Sal” This man lives in Israel, and his profile is written in Hebrew. Clearly this is a bad translation. Pass.

“Incredible profile, I see you have written erotica, have you ever published any online? You seem pretty open minded so I have a question I have always wanted to ask someone, if 2 people of the same sex exchange oral sex, does that count as a sexual encounter do you think?” He’s from Oklahoma, and I didn’t even bother looking at his profile. I’m never sure if this kind of message is a man trying to jerk my chain, to find someone to have cybersex with, or is someone who is genuinely trying to get info. I send factual information and then hit the block button in response: “Yes, I have an erotic fiction blog. Any two (or more) people of any gender or any sex having oral-genital contact are having sex. The same is true of manual-genital contact, anal-oral contact, anal-genital contact, or manual-anal contact. All have a risk of sharing STIs. For informational reading, I suggest Good Vibrations’ sex ed pages, Good Vibrations’ book, or The Guide to Getting It On (any edition, available on Amazon or elsewhere).”

“Would love to chat sometime young lady. Frank” This was someone local, and he’s in my age range. However, he hasn’t filled out his profile at all. Then there’s the way he messaged me. I sent back the message, “I, like all women, deserve to be approached with respect. You have failed at that. Please read this blog post I have written. You have failed at many of its aspects.” And then I hit the block button.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Talking Sexy

For me, verbal communication is a huge part of sexual arousal. I need my partner to talk to me. I want him to tell me what he is doing to me. I want him to tell me what he is feeling. I want him to tell me what he is going to do to me. I want him to tell me how good or fun or pleasurable the whole event was once it all is over.

When I was married, my now ex-husband and I had what I call “silent sex.” There was very little talking. There was very little verbal communication. There were a few words here and there like “are you in yet?” There was nothing like “I want you” or “your breasts are so sexy to me” or “put my cock in your mouth” or “kiss my neck.” There definitely wasn’t anything like “fuck my pussy” or “take it the ass, woman.” Instead, there was mostly a horrible silence.

That didn’t work for me. At all. I eventually figured out via the internet and watching porn and reading erotic fiction that the silence was helping to kill my libido. I needed that verbal communication to get aroused. Once I figured that out, I started communicating more, and eventually, I got a little more verbal stimulation from my ex-husband, but mostly I still got silence.

When moving on to other men after the marriage, one of the best things was the “dirty talk.” I finally had men telling me exactly what I needed to hear. They didn’t even need to touch me and yet they would have my pussy dripping with desire simply through their words.

However, I take issue with the term “talking dirty.” I don’t like it at all. To me, there is nothing dirty about sex. Ok, well, yes, sex is sticky, sweaty, gooey and messy. But it’s not dirty. Dirty has the connotation of being shameful, bad or wrong, and if everyone involved is consenting, then sex is not dirty. It’s a wonderful thing. Sex is pleasurable, it’s orgasmic, and it’s amazing. Sex is one of the best parts of life if it’s done right. The last thing sex should ever be is something shameful, bad or wrong. Sex should be glorified, not demeaned.

Hence, I prefer the term “talking sexy.” I want my partner to talk sexy to me. I want him to tell me in vivid, descriptive language how much he wants to share my body. I need to communicate with him how much his body and mind are desiring me. I am aroused by letting him know he is sexy and the center of my universe in these moments we are sharing. I want nothing more than to give him pleasure and to receive the same in return from him.

I believe language is powerful, and I believe the language we use shapes how we view our worlds. I think that the term “talking sexy” better reflects a positive view of sex, one that I hope will eventually be the common one in the world. Until then, my partners and I will be enjoying saying all kinds of vividly explicit phrases to each other while we are “talking sexy” to each other.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com