Advice

The Deception of Hollywood Sex

I believe that Hollywood does a great disservice toward American views on sex, arguably more than porn since more people see mainstream Hollywood films than porn. More importantly, most of us were watching Hollywood films at a younger age, and the sex scenes we were seeing on the big screen, while not explicit, were still some of our first impressions of what sex is “supposed” to be.

Think about it. What does the stereotypical Hollywood sex/love scene look like? For starters, it’s heterosexual. A man and a woman, both of whom have perfect bodies, are coming together to celebrate their deep and passionate love for each other. In rare cases, it’s carnal lust, but most often, the myth of “one true love” is part of the scene. There are almost always candles setting the scene and romantic music in the background. Birth control and condoms aren’t discussed or used. The couple’s movements flow, almost dance-like. Everything happens smoothly and sensuously. There’s very little foreplay, and yet the woman will reach orgasm. The scene will likely end with the simultaneous climax of both partners during penis-in-vagina sex.

After so many years of watching movies like Dirty Dancing and other romantic chic flicks as a teenager, I certainly had very set expectations of what things would be like when I finally got to have sex. As one might expect, I was sorely disappointed by the reality.

Let’s start with the literal mess that sex creates. Nowhere in Hollywood sex scenes is there a mess. Whether it’s sweat, semen, arousal fluid, squirting, menstrual blood or lube causing the mess, sex is inherently messy. In the Hollywood sex scenes, no one breaks a sweat and no one fumbles lube because of slippery hands. No one ends up in a cold wet spot on the bed. Hollywood sex is very sterile. In the real world? Not so much.

Real world sex is also not choreographed, but the sex scenes in the movies are very much pre-planned though most young people watching don’t realize this. The movie sex scenes involve days of rehearsal, hours of practice, and dozens of cuts. The actors involved don’t just hook up with the camera rolling. Hollywood sex is a staged, choreographed, intricately planned scene that in no way resembles what happens in most people’s bedrooms.

In the sex that most of us have, arms and legs often become problematic. It sometimes seems like there is an extra octopus involved even though you know there are (usually) only four arms and four legs. Human arms really need to be detachable at times because they get in the way or get uncomfortable being underneath a partner. Legs sometimes end up in weird positions. Knees and elbows often bump partners unintentionally in painful and sometimes sensitive places. Bodies will sometimes make unexpected and indelicate noises that are far from romantic and definitely aren’t something that would show up in a Hollywood sex scene.

Most of all, our bodies are imperfect. We have scars, stretch marks, and fat. Most of us don’t have a six pack. Our skin is not necessarily smooth. We have moles, acne, bacne, and skin tags. Our breasts sag. Our hair falls out or grows in places we don’t want it. Our bodies aren’t perfect, and yet at the same time they are amazing bodies that can give us immense pleasure.

And then there are the orgasms. While simultaneous climax does happen, it’s not the most common occurrence during sex. More importantly, sex is a lot more than penis-in-vagina which is what Hollywood glorifies. What most people term foreplay is actually sex, especially for women. Only 25% of women are able to have orgasms from penetrative vaginal sex, so for the other 75%, the Hollywood scenes are a complete mythology. Oral sex and manual sex are very common ways of helping partners reach orgasm, but rarely are those shown in the mainstream. Instead, Hollywood is still focusing on the “ultimate” myth of glorifying the almighty penis.

Hollywood could start doing so much to open up the sexual mindset of America. We need to be seeing sex acts, even discrete ones with no revealing nudity, that aren’t focused on penile-centric sex. We need to be shown women having orgasms from having their clitorises stimulated. We need to see couples taking turns having orgasms. And most importantly, we need to see both halves of couples helping afterward to clean up the huge mess sex can make!

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

If the Glove Doesn’t Fit…

One of the problems with sex education in our nation and our culture is that it is very negative. Everything is viewed from a worst-case scenario. Don’t have sex or you’ll get pregnant. Don’t have sex or you’ll get an STI. Don’t have sex before marriage or you’ll go to Hell. Don’t have sex or you’ll be a slut. Don’t have sex before marriage because you’ll become “damaged goods.” All of these negative messages become ingrained in our subconscious brains in ways that we don’t always realize.

One of the messages that many of us women heard when we were younger was never to believe a guy when he said he was too big for regular condoms. We were told that 99.9% of men will fit in a standard condom. We were told condoms stretch to fit and so there was no need for larger ones for the vast majority of men. We were told that a guy bragging he needed extra-large condoms was probably him trying to seem more manly in a society that has a distorted idea that penis size is related to manliness. We are warned that if he insisted on using Magnums, we should refuse because they would fall off and we would end up pregnant. Or worse yet, if he insisted he was too big for regular condoms, then he would try to have unprotected sex with us and we would end up both pregnant and with STIs.

Most condom size articles focus on length, and if that is the measure of using regular versus extra-large condoms, I have yet to have a sex with a man who couldn’t use a regular condom. None of my partners have been too long for a regular condom. However, what most articles don’t talk about is girth. This is where I’ve encountered major issues with condom sizing and partners.

In one of my earliest dating experiences, I encountered a penis which was average length but wider than average girth. I knew he looked wider than other partners I’d had, but he didn’t say anything to me about his girth. We enjoyed some wonderful foreplay together, and then the moment to put the condom on arrived.

I couldn’t do it.

I felt like a complete idiot. I thought maybe I had the condom backward and was trying to unfurl it the wrong way, something that seems to happen to me more often than it should. I unrolled it a bit to verify I was going in the right direction, and I tried again. I failed. I could not get the condom on him.

Thinking I was the most sexually inept person ever, I looked up at my partner and asked him to help me. It turned out he hadn’t used condoms with his two previous partners because in one case they had both been virgins and in the other they both had negative testing and decided against condoms. Thus, he wasn’t skilled in putting a condom on himself either. He tried and failed. By that point, the mood had died completely, and understandably, so had his erection. We resorted to cuddling and conversation, both disappointed we hadn’t been able to do more.

When I was thinking about the whole failure the next day, it suddenly dawned on me: what if this guy was one of the few who actually needed a wider condom? He certainly didn’t need the length, but there was no way to get the condom to roll down over his penis. Perhaps the condom was too small? Perhaps condoms don’t stretch as easily as we had been told?

Thinking maybe I had found the key to the problem, I went out and bought Magnums in anticipation of our next sexy time. I didn’t tell him I had done this. I was pretty sure he wasn’t bothering to look at the labels of what we were using. When the mood hit, this time I opened one of the Magnums and approached his penis with hopefulness. Sure enough, the condom fit snugly and comfortably. It rolled down without a fight. I had found the solution to our problem! My guy was just too wide for a regular condom. We went forward with desired activities with much more success this time.

Afterward, I let him know that I had been able to get the condom on this time because it was an extra-large one. He was genuinely and pleasantly surprised. He didn’t realize his girth was larger than most men’s because like most heterosexual men, he hadn’t spent much time looking at other guys’ cocks and because he hadn’t had many experienced previous partners.

I wonder how many people encounter this situation: not knowing when their partner really, truly does need an extra-large condom. One size really does not fit all when it comes to condoms, and not all men are bragging or lying when they say they are too big for regular condoms. In the subsequent years, I partnered another man who was also wider than average. This partner knew ahead of time that his girth was too large for a regular condom having gone through a similar experience to mine earlier in his sexual career. When I saw his cock, I knew he wasn’t lying. There was no way he would have fit in a regular condom. Fortunately, we were prepared with Skyns (due to latex allergies) which made for a wonderful evening.

Perhaps instead of telling people that most men don’t need extra-large condoms, we could start educating people about when a condom is or isn’t fitting right. Just rolling a condom over a banana as a demo isn’t enough. People need to try rolling a regular condom over a soda can (or wide bottle) to understand that not all condoms fit on all penises. It would be great for our society to have sex-positive education about condom and penis sizes.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

The Sadistic Toybox

Many years ago, I read on a blog that one should buy a toolbox as a sex toy box. One could put a lock on the box and tell the kids it was dangerous tools and thereby keep them out. So after I bought our first toys, my ex bought me a metal toolbox for putting the toys in. However, the one he bought doesn’t have a way to attach a lock so that defeated part of the point. I kept the box anyway since it still served the purpose of storing toys. It lives in my walk-in closet underneath my clothes, and I pull it out when the occasion arises that I need its contents.

Recently the heat of summer has descended upon Central Texas. We’re hitting 90 every day, so I had to quit my denial and pull out shorts which I had packed up for the winter. They were in the back of the closet in storage boxes, requiring digging around to find what I wanted. I moved the toy box out of the way while I rummaged for the shorts, and then I put the storage boxes back in the recesses of the closet, now loaded up with my jeans which I won’t need again for far too long.

What I failed to do was put the stupid metal toy box back away. Instead, as I gathered up the armful of shorts and walked out of the walk-in closet, I managed to whack my leg on the fucking toolbox that I didn’t see on the floor beneath my full arms. I now have a four inch black, blue, and green bruise on my shin that includes a red cut where the box really got me. It’s a veritable kinky rainbow.

It’s not bad enough that I date sadists and let them use sadistic toys on me. I also own a sadistic toy box that attacks and tortures me, too.

©2018 WoodLeatherLace.com

 

Converting a Vanilla

Like many kinky people, I was trapped in a vanilla marriage for a very long time. Unlike many kinky people, I actually did manage to “convert” my (now ex-) husband after more than a decade of attempts. I don’t recommend taking that path. It was a lot of work, and it caused a lot of pain for me along the way.

So how did I do it? How do you convert a vanilla? My experience is that it is an arduous process. Think about a snail running a marathon or even a 100m race for that matter. There’s no way to make it faster. The conversion just took time and persistence. That’s not to say that I was bugging my ex every single day for kinky sex. Sometimes we would go years before I would bring kink up again because he had shot me down so thoroughly the last time I tried.

However, my general approach was to figure out which kink he was most likely to be attracted to. My primary kink is usually spanking (except with this hormonal crap of late…). However, spanking was a total turn off for him. He had no interest. He didn’t want to hurt me. He didn’t see the appeal. He wasn’t going to do something that “weird.”

On the other hand, this same guy loved tying knots. He had learned from his dad when sailing, so any time he got his hand on a piece of twine or rope, he’d fiddle with it, tying knots. To me, it didn’t seem like a huge jump from tying knots in rope for fun to tying up a woman using rope and knots. However, his brain couldn’t make that connection. So slowly I worked him up to it. I bought the rope and showed it to him, but it stayed in the closet because he didn’t want to use it. When I was under the influence of various legal substances and more relaxed than usual, I would get brave enough talk to him about my fantasies involving rope in bed. Then, one day, suddenly it clicked. He figured out that he liked tying knots in rope, and bondage was just tying knots in rope with a naked woman involved. I brought out the rope, and finally, after so many years of prepping, he was ready to begin exploring this kink with me on rare occasions.

Honestly, it took a sex therapist getting involved before I could get him to do anything else kinky with me. He was resistant to so many sexual acts outside of missionary position penis-in-vagina sex. Our therapist began putting pressure on him to actually try some kink as a way of improving our relationship—such a radical concept which I had been trying to get through to him for years! However, my ex was able to hear it from the male sex therapist in a way that he couldn’t hear me. I think having another man telling him that it was ok to do these things gave him psychological permission to try things he felt were taboo. In the last year of our marriage, the sex became the best it had ever been for me because there was finally kink involved. It wasn’t enough to salvage the very damaged relationship, but it was enough to make my life a little happier.

As we were divorcing, we had a few brutal final fights. One of my ex’s parting comments to me was that it was all my fault that he wasn’t going to be able to just date “normal” women now. He wasn’t going to be happy unless he was in a kinky relationship because he had learned to love bondage that much by the end. Of course, I had absolutely no sympathy for his “problem” of needing to find bondage bunnies in the future. I didn’t actually convert him. All I really did was help him become aware of what was already inside of him. What I did was help break down the barriers he had put up to kinky sex, and now he was being forced to deal with his own true sexual desires.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Anal Sex

I love anal sex. Plain and simple. When I write anal sex into my erotic fiction, it’s not a porn thing or a fantasy thing. It’s reality. For me, anal sex is one of the most incredible sexual experiences I can have. Some of the most powerful orgasms I’ve ever had were from anal sex without any clitoral stimulation. When I told one man I was messaging with that I love anal sex, he responded, “Marry me!” This was from a guy who didn’t ever want to get married… he was that amazed to find a woman who loved anal sex and was willing to volunteer for it. Hell, I’ll even beg a partner for anal sex if it turns him on because I truly do want it.

So why is anal sex so powerful for me? Beats the shit out of me! (Sorry… I couldn’t resist.) I truly don’t know, though. It’s a physical pleasure. From the time I began trying to convince my first lover to have anal sex with me (and he refused to do something so “deviant”), I’ve been very attracted to the idea of having anal sex. For me, there was no “attraction to the taboo” allure that many articles site as the potential reason anal sex is so enjoyable for many men and women. I’m not someone who wants to do something just because it’s taboo. I’m actually less likely to do something that is taboo. Bestiality? That’s taboo, but no thanks. Having sex in public? No thanks. But anal sex? As long as there is plenty of lube and a condom involved, sign me up.

I’ve always known my butt is very sensitive to touch. I adore it when my lovers put their hands on my butt, especially on my sit spots. I love a pat on the butt or a gentle caress. I also love a good smack as we all know from this blog. I think it was just an intuitive knowledge that if my butt was that sensitive, my asshole probably was, too.

Anal sex has never been painful for me. Again, I’m not sure why. When I first saw articles about taking it slow and training an asshole to accept a very small butt plug so that it will eventually accept a cock, I was puzzled. When my first willing partner and I had anal sex, we lubed and condomed up, and then he just plunged in. There were no problems aside from the expected temporary resistance at the sphincter. We both experienced a great deal of pleasure from our first try at anal sex, but it’s not that way for everyone.

Much later in life when I finally experienced a lover who wanted me to do anal play on him, I was amazed at how much less he could accept in his ass than I could. I suddenly started seeing why articles help people to slowly work up to bigger and deeper penetration. I had one partner who could not accept any penetration at all. His butt clenched up tightly, and I wasn’t able to get anything in more than a centimeter without him going into pain. For him, it is probably going to take years of training work before he’ll be able to get his prostate massaged. Why? Again, I’m not sure.

I’ve also found it very interesting how many men have approached me wanting to be pegged. It’s a secret fantasy for many, many heterosexual men. They just are scared to voice it to most women because they are afraid of being judged for being “gay.” Every single one of those who have asked me to peg them have preceded the request with, “I’m not gay, but I’ve always really wanted to try anal penetration.” I then have to teach all of them that anal sex is not a “gay thing.” It’s a sexual thing. Anal sex feels good or even amazing for lots of people of all orientations, genders, and sexes. The fact that anal is still shamed for heterosexual men as a “gay thing” is ridiculous and is evidence of the horrible amount of homophobia still prevalent in our culture. It’s time to get rid of that crap (ahem) and accept that anyone can love anal play without it making them any less of a man, woman or person. All anal play says about the participating individuals is that they are sensual people who love something that is considered kinky or taboo by part of society.

Because I love anal sex so much, I also hate that anal has so many derogatory ways of referring to it. Riding the chocolate highway, fudgepacking, the “wrong” hole, buggering… so many of these euphemisms have negative connotations in our culture. It’s time for that to stop, too. Those negative phrases contribute to the too pervasive idea that “good girls” or straight men shouldn’t want anal sex. Those who want anal sex should be seen as sexually healthy people who are able to expand their minds beyond the idea that “real” sex is just penis-in-vagina sex. There are so many amazing ways to have pleasure with our bodies, and we shouldn’t be shamed for those desires or actions.

Likewise, if you don’t want to have anal sex or you don’t enjoy it, that’s ok, too. According to surveys, most women don’t. I wonder how much of that dislike of anal sex is due to psychological brainwashing that women shouldn’t like anal sex because good girls don’t do that sort of thing or because women are “supposed” to find anal sex painful. If people truly don’t enjoy anal sex, that’s perfectly ok. But if you’re someone who is curious about or enjoying anal sex, know that’s ok, too. You are normal. Human sexuality is vast and diverse, and you are a lucky person to get to experience that pleasure that some others don’t get to enjoy.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Let’s Talk About Sex

The other day, I was texting with a former lover. He is a great guy and was an amazing lover, but he wasn’t the right guy for me. He’s in a long term relationship with someone else now, and I am truly happy for him. It’s been long enough since we were together that even though I still miss him, I am glad he’s got someone who is right for him.

As we were texting, he very politely asked if he could ask me some sex-related questions. That made me laugh, but I said “Sure.” Why not? We’re both grownups. If we had great sex with each other at one point, we should still be able to talk about it now. He wanted some input on an issue around sex with his girlfriend. I had no problem giving him advice. He even noted at one point in the texting, “This isn’t awkward for you at all, is it?” No, it really wasn’t. I was happy to tell him the information he wanted plus some more information, too.

When I mentioned this conversation to one of my female friends, she said, “You are a better person than me. I couldn’t have had that conversation with an ex.” That comment made me think about my other exes. I couldn’t have had that conversation with all of them. Some of them have too big of egos; they’d never go to an ex to ask for help around a sexual issue because that would imply that they weren’t the perfect lover. Others are too shy when it comes to talking about sex outside of the context of actually having it. They’d be too embarrassed to have that kind of conversation with anyone nonetheless me. Then there are the lovers where the wound is still too fresh. The idea of them having sex with someone who isn’t me is just painful. Someday I will probably be able to have an open conversation with them about sex and their new partners, but I’m not there yet.

It’s really a shame so many in our society aren’t able to talk more openly with those we’re close to about sex. The more we talk about sex in an instructional, educational way, the more barriers will drop. The more we understand sex, the better it will be for all of us. Our society needs to get away from its weird taboos around talking about sex while at the same time using sex to sell everything from cars to perfume to prescription drugs to Halloween candy.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Violating Hard Limits

In the world of BDSM, hard limits are the things that you absolutely will not do. Hard limits vary from person to person. For instance, I’ve mentioned before that choking is a hard limit of mine. I refuse to engage in any kind of sexual asphyxiation activities, though for many others these are some of their favorite activities. In contrast, I love anal sex and am happy to engage in it, both giving and receiving. For the majority of women, anal sex is a hard limit.

When a former partner of mine violated my hard limits in multiple kinky ways, I was initially in shock. I didn’t understand how this man I trusted could do these things to me. He was a loving person toward me, so what was causing him to treat me with so little respect? When I asked him, he couldn’t explain it to me. I have since theorized that he has a fetish of violating women’s hard limits that stems back to his incredibly toxic relationship with his mother who violated his limits repeatedly. Perhaps his subconscious is taking it out on the women he dates since he doesn’t see a therapist to work on his major issues with his mother. Regardless of why he did it, though, this past partner violated my limits, and he knew what he had done was wrong in the aftermath.

The bottom line is that violating hard limits is sexual abuse. This is not something I’ve often seen explicitly expressed in the writing around hard limits that I’ve read. I’m sure it’s in part because the BDSM community is loath to associate anything they do with abuse. The vanilla world already struggles to understand how kinky people can enjoy things like spanking and bondage and how those things can be consensual and enjoyable.

Yet violation of hard limits is something that can happen in vanilla sex as well as kinky sex. The violations that this partner did to me were well within the kinky range, but I have had another past partner who violated my limits in very vanilla ways. When I told that man no, he would try the forbidden activity anyway because he didn’t really respect my feelings about it. He didn’t see why that activity was a problem for me, and his narcissism kept him from caring when his orgasm was his ultimate goal at that point.

Whether it’s done in a kinky situation or a vanilla one, violating someone’s hard limits is absolutely not ok. No means no. Yes means yes, and a yes should be given enthusiastically—a “fuck yes!” to any mutually agreed upon activity. When a partner crosses those limits, sexual abuse happens. Sexual abuse is NEVER ok. It doesn’t matter what the sexual abuse looks like. It’s a very clear violation of that person’s rights.

If a partner ever violates your hard limits, talk about it with the partner if it was a minor violation that might have come from a miscommunication. We’re all human, and mistakes do happen in the passion of the moment in sexual acts. However, if violations happen repeatedly, that’s not an accident. That’s sexual abuse. At that point, it’s time to leave the relationship if it is just a casual dating one. If it’s a marriage or committed relationship, a therapist is mandated at that point if you don’t choose to end things without further outside help. Regardless, drastic action needs to happen because sexual abuse is never ok.

I pray often for the new partner of the man who repeatedly violated my kinky limits. He says he has learned from what he did to me and has changed. Those are famous last words. Sometimes they are true. Often they are not. However, his new partner is very young—barely legal—and I know she isn’t going to have the strength to leave him if he starts sexually abusing her the way he did to me. I didn’t have the strength to leave the man who would sexually abuse me within the context of our consensual sexual relationship when I was her age. I didn’t even understand that what he was doing was abuse. Now, I’m clear on it, and no man will treat me that way again.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com