Month: August 2018

A Strange Question

I’m not the type of gal who usually goes out bar hopping and picks up a man for a hookup. It’s just not my style; I have no judgment against those who enjoy doing it that way, though.  However, I have had a few casual encounters that developed out of online messaging. I’m always safe about it, meeting in a public place first and making sure I feel safe with the man in question. I’ve encountered many questionable men who’ve given me the creeps through messaging, and I don’t even bother meeting up with them. There have been a few I’ve declined to go further with after meeting in public. I trust my instincts about which men are worth my time and which aren’t.

On one occasion after meeting up in public with a man I met through FetLife, we headed back to my place to hookup (for what was the first of many times in what developed into an actual relationship). After several incredibly passionate rounds of kinky sex, we were cuddled up talking and recuperating for the next round. At that point, I said to him, “Can I ask you a strange question?”

He looked at me inquisitively and said, “Sure, I guess.”

I looked him in the eye and asked, “What’s your last name?”

He started laughing hysterically. I was confused by his laughter, so I asked, “Is it really that funny of a question?”

“I just fucked you in all three holes and NOW you want to know my last name?” he managed to say through his laughter.

“Yes?” I meekly replied. “Is it too much to ask?”

He responded, “No, it’s just that I know you’re not the type of woman who goes to bars and does random hookups, so the question is striking me as really funny.”

“Ok,” I said, still a bit puzzled at his amusement.

“Besides,” he replied, “That’s not a strange question. ‘Will you fuck me with a unicorn dildo?’ is a strange question.”

“They make unicorn dildos?” I asked, completely sidetracked by my lover’s rhetorical question.

“Yes, I’ve seen them on FetLife,” he informed me.

“Oh,” I said. “I don’t really want you to fuck me with a unicorn dildo.”

“Well, if you did,” he let me know, “I’d be willing.”

“Thanks,” I said. “But I really just want to know your last name.”

He laughed again. “It’s [redacted.]”

“Thank you,” I replied.

“You’re welcome,” he said, giving me a kiss as well. “And thank you for what is turning out to be a wonderful night.”



Fascinating DM on Fetlife from a non-local man who is about my age:

Have you ever had to hit some jerk in the balls cause he was either a jerk or cause he was being an aggressive asshole? Curious how effective it is – ? Did the guy drop unable to get up or immobilized to some extent ? Anyways

Really? REALLY? Is he trying to get me to threaten to do the same to his balls? What would possibly make him think this the way to start a conversation with me? There is NOTHING on my profile to indicate that I’m interested in ballbusting or CBT, and given that I’m a sub, it’s probably not a conversation that will turn me on or interest me.

I do not understand the weird men of the internet, but then again, that’s nothing new.

The block button remains my best friend on Fetlife, dating sites, LinkedIn, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook….


If the Glove Doesn’t Fit…

One of the problems with sex education in our nation and our culture is that it is very negative. Everything is viewed from a worst-case scenario. Don’t have sex or you’ll get pregnant. Don’t have sex or you’ll get an STI. Don’t have sex before marriage or you’ll go to Hell. Don’t have sex or you’ll be a slut. Don’t have sex before marriage because you’ll become “damaged goods.” All of these negative messages become ingrained in our subconscious brains in ways that we don’t always realize.

One of the messages that many of us women heard when we were younger was never to believe a guy when he said he was too big for regular condoms. We were told that 99.9% of men will fit in a standard condom. We were told condoms stretch to fit and so there was no need for larger ones for the vast majority of men. We were told that a guy bragging he needed extra-large condoms was probably him trying to seem more manly in a society that has a distorted idea that penis size is related to manliness. We are warned that if he insisted on using Magnums, we should refuse because they would fall off and we would end up pregnant. Or worse yet, if he insisted he was too big for regular condoms, then he would try to have unprotected sex with us and we would end up both pregnant and with STIs.

Most condom size articles focus on length, and if that is the measure of using regular versus extra-large condoms, I have yet to have a sex with a man who couldn’t use a regular condom. None of my partners have been too long for a regular condom. However, what most articles don’t talk about is girth. This is where I’ve encountered major issues with condom sizing and partners.

In one of my earliest dating experiences, I encountered a penis which was average length but wider than average girth. I knew he looked wider than other partners I’d had, but he didn’t say anything to me about his girth. We enjoyed some wonderful foreplay together, and then the moment to put the condom on arrived.

I couldn’t do it.

I felt like a complete idiot. I thought maybe I had the condom backward and was trying to unfurl it the wrong way, something that seems to happen to me more often than it should. I unrolled it a bit to verify I was going in the right direction, and I tried again. I failed. I could not get the condom on him.

Thinking I was the most sexually inept person ever, I looked up at my partner and asked him to help me. It turned out he hadn’t used condoms with his two previous partners because in one case they had both been virgins and in the other they both had negative testing and decided against condoms. Thus, he wasn’t skilled in putting a condom on himself either. He tried and failed. By that point, the mood had died completely, and understandably, so had his erection. We resorted to cuddling and conversation, both disappointed we hadn’t been able to do more.

When I was thinking about the whole failure the next day, it suddenly dawned on me: what if this guy was one of the few who actually needed a wider condom? He certainly didn’t need the length, but there was no way to get the condom to roll down over his penis. Perhaps the condom was too small? Perhaps condoms don’t stretch as easily as we had been told?

Thinking maybe I had found the key to the problem, I went out and bought Magnums in anticipation of our next sexy time. I didn’t tell him I had done this. I was pretty sure he wasn’t bothering to look at the labels of what we were using. When the mood hit, this time I opened one of the Magnums and approached his penis with hopefulness. Sure enough, the condom fit snugly and comfortably. It rolled down without a fight. I had found the solution to our problem! My guy was just too wide for a regular condom. We went forward with desired activities with much more success this time.

Afterward, I let him know that I had been able to get the condom on this time because it was an extra-large one. He was genuinely and pleasantly surprised. He didn’t realize his girth was larger than most men’s because like most heterosexual men, he hadn’t spent much time looking at other guys’ cocks and because he hadn’t had many experienced previous partners.

I wonder how many people encounter this situation: not knowing when their partner really, truly does need an extra-large condom. One size really does not fit all when it comes to condoms, and not all men are bragging or lying when they say they are too big for regular condoms. In the subsequent years, I partnered another man who was also wider than average. This partner knew ahead of time that his girth was too large for a regular condom having gone through a similar experience to mine earlier in his sexual career. When I saw his cock, I knew he wasn’t lying. There was no way he would have fit in a regular condom. Fortunately, we were prepared with Skyns (due to latex allergies) which made for a wonderful evening.

Perhaps instead of telling people that most men don’t need extra-large condoms, we could start educating people about when a condom is or isn’t fitting right. Just rolling a condom over a banana as a demo isn’t enough. People need to try rolling a regular condom over a soda can (or wide bottle) to understand that not all condoms fit on all penises. It would be great for our society to have sex-positive education about condom and penis sizes.


To Kiss or Not to Kiss

There is a lot of pressure on men when it comes to making various “moves” on dates. Our society still operates around archaic standards that dictate guys should be the ones to ask women out or initiate the first kiss. Modern woman that I am, I have asked men out and I have been the one to initiate the first kiss, too. I understand from firsthand experience that they can be stressful moves to make.

In the new age of “Me Too,” men are becoming more aware of obtaining women’s consent before making sexual advances. However, I’ve found that in the dating world, the #MeToo movement hasn’t yet translated to the first kiss. Men still tend to make the move without verifying that they have full consent of the women involved.

One of the most devious moves I’ve encountered several times on dates is the “hug and dive.” On some dates, things have gone well but not spectacularly, and so I don’t mind giving the guy a hug as I’m open to a second date to see how things might play out. However, in the trickster version of the hug and dive, my date ends up finding a way to kiss me without my consent.

One of the times it happened to me, the date had gone really well, but I wasn’t sure how my date was feeling about me. I definitely liked him and wanted to see him again, but I was under the impression he hadn’t seen me as anything more than an interesting potential friend. Thus, as we parted outside the restaurant, I was actually surprised that he even gave me a hug. As we pulled back from the embrace, he dove in for the kiss. I was completely in shock to suddenly have his lips on mine, but it was a good shock as I had liked him. Unfortunately, it turned out to be our one and only date as he had misrepresented himself.

The other time the “hug and dive” happened to me recently was far less welcome. I’d been on a date with a guy who was perfect for me on paper. However, in person, the chemistry was only one way: he liked me, but I was bored by him. I felt like he had no personality. When the date was ending, he asked me, “So when are we meeting again?” I didn’t really want to go on another date, but I scheduled one in hopes that he might be better when he didn’t have “first date nerves” going on.

As we were getting ready to leave, he failed to offer to walk me to my car (a block away in an urban parking garage). While I don’t need to be walked to my car, it’s a courtesy most men tend to offer in this area, especially if it’s been an enjoyable date. It’s also an implicit way of seeing if a woman is open to being kissed, as a guy walking a woman to her car usually implies she likes him and wants to be kissed. However, since my date didn’t offer to walk me to my car, I took that to mean he was interested in seeing me again but not completely taken with me. He moved to give me a hug, which I was fine with. As I pulled back, I made sure my face was turned away from him as I really didn’t want to kiss him.

However, he didn’t take the hint that my face wasn’t towards him. He dove in and somehow managed to reach my face with his, immediately inserting his tongue inside my lips upon first contact. His tongue. If there’s anything worse than an unexpected kiss, it’s an unexpected kiss with tongue. <shudder> While it wouldn’t have been a bad kiss at all if we were in an established relationship and I wanted to be kissed by him, without me having invited it, the kiss felt invasive and just plain gross. Twenty-four hours later, I canceled the second date we had set up. I just couldn’t go through with it after all of that.

So how can guys know if a woman wants to be kissed? Let’s start with eye contact. If a woman is not looking you in the eyes, she doesn’t want you to kiss her. Don’t go diving in for a kiss if her head is turned. Don’t make a move without her consent.

How can you get her consent? ASK! It’s a very simple thing to do, and asking can be very romantic, especially for a person whose love language is words of affirmation. Hearing him ask to kiss her can be a form of foreplay and can heighten the excitement of the moment.

In one of my more recent relationships, the man in question and I had been messaging for several weeks before we actually met for our first date. He was a romantic, and I was very attracted to him via our messaging. The night before our first date, I explicitly wrote to him that I was looking forward to meeting him in person so that I could finally give him a big hug. He replied that he was looking forward to that hug very much, and that if I was feeling it during the evening, he was open to kisses as well. To me, that was perfect. He declared his intent and desire but let me have safe boundaries of being able to let him know when I wanted to be kissed.

As it turned out, the chemistry was beautiful that first night together. After spending some time walking around holding hands, I turned to him and said, “You wrote something about being open to kisses if things were right.” He replied, “Yes, I did,” and with that, he made the first physical move toward kissing me. He knew that if I brought it up, I was wanting to be kissed. That first kiss (and the many others that followed it that night) were wonderful in part because they were consensual and romantic. They weren’t forced, and they were very much desired by both of us involved.

Bottom line, guys: just ask. Tell her you’ve had a wonderful evening and that if she would like you to, you’d like to kiss her, but if she’d like to wait, you respect that as well. You get bonus points for letting her know you respect her boundaries, far more than you get from thrusting your tongue unexpectedly in her mouth.


A Threesome with Vivian

(Credit goes to an ex-boyfriend for the blog post title.)

Some Friday nights, we old folk don’t have it in us to go out partying. Ok, that’s most Friday nights, if we’re being honest. Some nights, even a sex date isn’t even in the cards because we’re just too wiped out. So at one point during our relationship, an ex-boyfriend and I settled in to find something interesting to watch on Amazon Prime. We tried watching Gigahoes, a show about sex robots, but we only made it through five of the six minutes of the first episode. It was so bad we couldn’t keep going despite the promising subject matter. We tried a few other things, but nothing was catching our interest.

Then we fell down the rabbit hole of Vivian Tries, a YouTube vlogger whose work has been picked up by Amazon for some unknown reason. The first video we watched was The World’s Biggest Ice Cream Taco.  Anytime “tacos” are brought up, the kinky immediately let their brains meander into the gutter (especially when a local taco spot has a breakfast favorite called “the dirty sanchez“). We weren’t disappointed in this horribly made episode which was filled with unintentional double entendres about filling tacos with gooey fillings. Our chorus of “that’s what she said” was repeated far too often for what was meant to be a “cooking” video.

From there, my ex-boyfriend and I moved on to intentionally chosen and sexually inspiring titles like Bake Snake or Giant Stuffed Meatballs. We rapidly approached that slap-happy state wherein things that really aren’t that funny become hysterical. Vivian’s videos really are closer to stupid than comedic most of the time. However, with the right company and the right mindset plus heaping doses of exhaustion and perversion, our evening became downright unforgettable as we laughed ourselves silly.

One of the final episodes we watched before giving up for the night (to go to bed, separately) was on the Swifty Sharp knife sharpener wherein Vivian was tackling the likes of a ripe tomato or unripe pineapple. Once again, the unintended double entendres had us in tears of laughter as Vivian declared she was “gonna glance at the instructions because it’s got a whole lot of places where you can put things in.” At another point she noted, “Oh, shit, both of my tomatoes are really soft.” Vivian’s generally clueless demeanor was emphasized as she declared that the knife sharpener “needs square batteries… I don’t think I have square batteries… shit… oh, no, my bad, it doesn’t need square batteries.” It needed 4 AAs which she goes to grab; of course, we began placing bets as to whether or not she was robbing remotes or sex toys to come up with those batteries.

The world of kinky dating isn’t always swinging from the chandeliers in a harness and ropes while fucking each other with dildos and vibrators. Some nights, it’s just curling up on the couch together to watch stupid tv. On this particular night, we were both stone cold sober, but the videos we were watching could not have been much funnier even if we were under the influence. Sometimes all it takes is the right mindset to turn a cheap, exhausted date into one of the best you have ever had.


Porn and Men’s Body Images

I have read so many articles bemoaning the fact that porn creates unrealistic ideas for men about women’s bodies. I’ve also read countless articles about how porn gives men ideas that “all women” like to do certain acts that not all women actually enjoy. The bottom line in these articles is how damaging porn is for women when it leads to men creating unrealistic expectations for and about women’s sexuality and their bodies.

However, what I haven’t seen a lot of articles talking about is the damage that porn does to men about their own body images. I can’t tell you how many men I’ve had sex with who are ashamed of their penises because of what they see in porn. They assume that they are small or undersized based on the disproportionately large cocks they see in porn films.

All of us know that it is taboo for heterosexual guys to check out other guys in the locker rooms or at the urinals. That’s just not done unless a man wants to get labeled as gay (see: rampant homophobia in the US) or be attacked for inappropriate sexual behavior. The result is that most heterosexual men are pretty clueless about what other adult men’s penises look like when they’re both flaccid and erect. The penises they’ve seen are through porn, and those cocks aren’t what the average man looks like. Some of those porn penises are actually downright scary and intimidating in their sizes!

One man I had sex with had me convinced in advance of our first sexual encounter that he had a micropenis because of how small he swore he was. When I got to actually see and enjoy his cock, I was amazed at how big it actually was. He is average length but far wider than average girth. There was absolutely nothing small about what he was packing! Still, he was worried about not being big enough for me and me judging him for it.

I don’t understand why so many men turn to me for these reassurances. Have the other women in their past histories not been willing to tell them how they compared to their past partners? Do the men trust me to be honest when they didn’t trust other partners not to coddle their egos? Is this something that men do with all their partners, seeking reassurance that their genitals are acceptable?

What I’ve heard from man after man boils down to one phrase: “Tell me I’m normal.” Guys want to know that they are at least average length. They want to know that their cocks are adequate. They want to know that even though they don’t look like the actors in porn films, they too can be good (or amazing lovers). And once again I have to state, size isn’t what matters when it comes to great sex. What matters is knowing how to use what you’ve got. The longest lover I’ve had was by far the worst because he had no clue what to do with all of his length (and it was only 8″ of length, so not gigantic). Most of the men I’ve been with have been in the 5-6″ length range– completely normal and completely sufficient to get the job done. What’s mattered far more was their ability to tune in to me and my needs rather than being just focused on their own cocks.


Murphy’s Law of Lingerie

I swear that the quickest way for a relationship to end for me is for me to buy lingerie that works for a particular partner’s desires or fetishes. Every single time I buy a fancy bra that is what tickles his fancy or I purchase a costume for something that he wants to roleplay or I invest in a corset in a color that turns him on, the next thing I know the relationship is over before I have even gotten a chance to wear the new item in question for my partner. In a few cases it has been sex toys, not lingerie, but most of the time, it’s lingerie. At least this time I hadn’t washed the purchased item yet so I can return it!

So should I just quit buying lingerie that caters to my partners’ desires? How does one break this curse? Or is Murphy and his Damn Law destined to rule all parts of my life?