Month: July 2018

Spanking Survey, Part 11

This post is a continuing series of spanking survey questions, now moving to questions about spankings as an adult. Previous parts are here: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

How do you like your spankings to start? I prefer a slow start up with speed and intensity building as we go. I can tolerate more that way and the play session can be longer. I prefer starting over panties and then moving on to bare skin.

Have you ever been spanked to orgasm? No, unfortunately. I hope to experience this someday!

What time of day do you want to be spanked? Yes! All of them. Morning, noon, and night are all fine by me!

Would you like to be spanked by two or more spankers? I’m really not sure about this. Probably not. Maybe in future years I might see it differently. However, because I am monogamous and not an exhibitionist, it’s an idea that is not very appealing to me.

Do you masturbate after your spankings as an adult if you are not having sex with your spanker after the spanking? I’ve never not had sex with my partner after a spanking. Spankings are inherently sexual for me at this point in my life. I don’t do spanking with anyone but my sexual partner. I really can’t imagine spankings without sex.

If you were being spanked with someone else, would you rather go first or second? First, for sure. The anxiety would kill me to watch and wait.

Have you ever been to a spanking party? No, and I am not really interested. I’m not a voyeur or exhibitionist.

Do you want to pick your own implements? Most of the time, no. I prefer my Dom to take control and make the decisions. Every once in a while I will request something in particular, especially if I have a craving for an implement that’s not part of our normal rotation. My Doms are generally happy to oblige, especially if it’s a harsher implement than they’ve been using.

Do you prefer wearing a skirt or pants for a spanking? Well, either way, they get taken off! I don’t really have a preference. Both can be incredibly sexy in different ways. More often than not, I am in lingerie when spanking happens.

Do you have other spanking related fetishes? I love lingerie, butt plugs, bondage and anal sex, all of which are fetishes that mix well with spanking. I’m curious about rectal temperature taking and figging, but I’ve never tried either as of this time.

Do you have any spanking related hard limits? All of the following are off limits for me: shaming, humiliation, public spanking, spanking parties, video being shot, whips, canes, bruising, and lacerations.

Do you prefer fast or slow spankings? For sexual play, slower is fun with unexpected occasional bursts of speed. For more disciplinary play, faster spankings are more painful. Rapidly hitting the same spot five or more times in a row will really get my attention.

How do you respond to spankings as an adult? I generally continue to brat my Dom until he gets serious about spanking me at which point I start promising I’ll be good and begging for him to stop.

Have you ever asked to be punished for something you did growing up but weren’t caught? I would love to have a partner whom I could have help me rewrite some memories of traumatic abusive spankings if/when I get to a point that I’m able to do that. I’d like him to role play the firm, loving parent who didn’t spank out of anger but out of love and a sense of discipline instead. My parents’ spankings were very violent and abusive; I’d like a partner to give them in a much more controlled and ritualistic way that is filled with love. There were a couple of things I did as a teenager that my parents never found out about that I think he should spank me for, too. However, I’m not sure I will ever trust someone enough to do this or that I will get to a point psychologically where I could.

Have you been spanked with a butt plug in? Yes. It didn’t make much of a difference in my opinion. I love butt plugs, so they’re not a punishment for me. I haven’t been spanked while wearing a vibrating butt plug or a ginger plug, and I’m definitely open to trying those.

Have you been spanked with a vibrator inserted? No, but this sounds like a lovely idea.

Have you been spanked wearing a gag? Once. I’d be open to it again with a trusted partner. Most of my partners haven’t been able to earn this level of trust from me.

Have you been spanked while bound? Lots and lots of times. I love it.

Do you enjoy being spanked on a still sore bottom? I have not yet gotten to experience this but I very much look forward to it in the future. It’s something that requires harder play than I can emotionally handle right now.

Have you ever been spanked outdoors? No, not as an adult. I probably received some swats outdoors as a child, but I never got a full bare bottom spanking outdoors that I remember. My parents hid what they did to us from others.

Would you like to be spanked outdoors? I would be open to it if we were in a rural area where there were very likely to be no witnesses. I have some specific fantasies I’d like to fulfill!

What kind of spanking videos do you like to watch? In some ways, it’s easier to say what I don’t like. I don’t like silent spankees. I want them to fuss and cry. I don’t like violent spankings that are more like beatings. I don’t like humiliation and shaming. I’m not a fan of canes or whips. I can’t stand slow-mo videos. I’m not a fan of school spankings or spankings with witnesses unless its multiple spankees waiting their turns.

What I do like in videos is roleplay. I like a story behind the spanking. I like hand spankings, hairbrushes, small paddles, straps, spoons and belts. I like longer spankings that build up. I like spankers who lecture a lot during the spanking, and I like crying spankees who respond with words and tears. I like bratting. I like spankers who end the spanking with a hug (or more).

I really love homemade spanking videos by a couple who truly love each other. The laughter and love that comes through in those videos is beautiful. The Sarah and Heat videos are some of my favorites.

When I watch spanking videos, I generally only watch M/F or F/F. Sometimes I will watch F/M, but I almost never watch M/M. Watching men get spanked really doesn’t turn me on at all.

What kind of spanking fiction/erotica do you like to read? When I read spanking fiction or look at spanking art, my preference is:
1) M/F
2) F/F
3) F/M
4) M/M
For me, it’s the submissive female that is the most important part of the scenario.

Do you think being spanked as a child make you a spanko? No. I think there is too much anecdotal evidence from people who were never spanked as children who became spankos to believe that spanking fetishes result from childhood spankings directly. I think some of us are wired as spankos just as we are wired straight, gay, bi or pansexual.


Playing Too Hard, Part 2

(continued from Part 1)

(content warning: childhood abuse)

After a playful spanking session with my newbie partner, I ended up with unintentional bruises and welts which hurt and lasted for several days. I was pretty upset by the whole situation even though I knew my partner hadn’t intentionally caused physical damage. However, my emotional state told me something was wrong. Very wrong.

It took several days of thinking about it, but I finally let myself go there, into the dark recesses of my mind where my worst memories are stored. I thought about how familiar this pain was. That was a frontier I hadn’t wanted to cross into. I really didn’t want to know what I was remembering, and yet I was going there even though I didn’t want to.

I finally admitted to myself that I knew this pain from a too vigorous spanking because I’d endured it many times before in my childhood. The abusive spankings from my father left me feeling this sore for hours and days afterward. As far as I remember, they were given with his hand only, but clearly on my small childhood frame, they were long enough and hard enough to be physically damaging.

As I child, I had never looked to see if I had marks. I was afraid of being caught looking at my own body. I’d been taught that my body was shameful and whatever behavior I’d done (or my parents thought I had done) to “earn” the abusive spankings was equally shameful. As a result, if I had been physically marked as a child from the abuse, I had never seen it on my own body. However, my body remembered. It knew this feeling. It recognized the pain.

For most of my adult life, I was unwilling to admit I was abused as a child. In more recent years, I’ve always consoled myself that part of the reason that I couldn’t say I was abused was because my parents never used implements on me and never left me bruised or welted. It turns out that at least part of my rationalization was not true, and I have been forced to quit denying the truth. There was no chance my body was lying to me about the pain I was feeling. I was bruised during many spankings in my childhood. I was abused.

Unfortunately, I didn’t feel I could talk to my sexual partner about what had happened to me mentally and emotionally after we played too hard. I just didn’t have the kind of trust in him and our relationship wasn’t deep enough. I talked to my therapist a bit, but not a lot. I am not out to her as kinky, so I only talked in terms of saying that I realized finally that the abuse was more violent than I previously had been willing to admit to myself.

I am still not sure what to do with the knowledge I gained from this session where my partner and I played too hard. I have had sex since then, but not kinky sex, and I’m not sure how I will be able to approach sexual spanking with my next kinky lover having this new yet old knowledge fully in my consciousness now.

I also don’t know if I’ll ever know the full truth of the abuse I endured as a child. My mind has repressed a lot of the worst of it. I also don’t think I really want to know any more details about what I endured. There’s a reason my mind has hidden it from me. What I know is hard enough to cope with. The more I learn, the harder it is for me to handle.

However, I now know why I don’t want to be marked or bruised, and I can let partners definitively know it brings up too much trauma from my abusive childhood. Most of my partners have been understanding about not wanting to retraumatize me and have been good about working to make our sex lives as positive as possible for both of us. I wish we didn’t have that obstacle to work around because the actual spanking session with my previous partner was a lot of fun while we were playing. The aftermath was just too triggering. Unfortunately, though, this is part of my reality that I now must face and so must my future partners.


Playing Too Hard, Part 1

In one of my recent relationships, my partner was a relative newbie to BDSM. I don’t have a problem with dating novices because we were all new to kink at one point. There are some advantages of being with newbies in that their egos are often not rigid around believing they know exactly what to do for every single partner they play with rather than adapting for each partner’s needs. They’re more teachable! On the other hand, novices often make newbie errors which can be literally painful. It’s a risk, but it’s one I’m willing to take if the partner is right for me.

The partner in question really hadn’t done much kink with other women. He identified as a switch, but I am a sub. I don’t mind switching on rare occasion, but it’s not my preference. Thus, this partner was topping me, something he didn’t have a lot of experience in doing. He loves spanking women, so that part of our fetishes lined up well as I appreciate a man who wants to spank me.

One of his fetishes that didn’t line up well with mine was that he liked bruising and marking. I don’t. It just doesn’t work for me. I don’t mind if accidental small marks happen, but if I bruise in a large way, then my Dom has been playing too hard with me. All of my partners have been aware of this and most have respected my limits. However, for the ones who had a bruising fetish, I have found many often pushed the boundaries to see how far they could take things with me. It’s become enough of a pattern that I’m now hesitant to play with any man who has a fetish for leaving marks or bruising.

When it came to this recent partner, he had some of the hardest hands I’ve ever been spanked with. He told me ahead of time that his hand was a brutal weapon. I didn’t believe him. He was right. I truly preferred crops, paddles, hairbrushes… almost any implement over his hand. He was a hard spanker, and he meant business when he began spanking.

The one day we had been having all sorts of kinky fun which involved flogging, hand spanking, and sex. After I had cum repeatedly, for some reason I ended up getting out my hairbrush and bathbrush collection for my newish partner to use on me. The activity became a test to see which brush caused which reaction from me. My partner wasn’t hitting me extraordinarily hard, but he was spanking me after we’d already had a session of flogging and his normal hard hand spanking.

The brushes were feeling rather ouchie, to put it mildly, but I just assumed that was his arm strength combined using the brushes on me. I’d never felt anything like it with previous partners, and I was enjoying the playful session a lot. Since I was on my stomach on my bed and don’t have any kind of useful mirrors in my bedroom, I couldn’t see what kind of damage my bottom was suffering.

It turns out I was enduring a lot. Probably because I was on a post-orgasmic endorphin high, I had no idea how hard he was actually spanking with the brushes, and I had no idea how red and bruised I was getting. Since he had no experience with spanking other women with brushes, he really didn’t know what he was doing either.

After a spanking session with a partner, my bottom is normally back to my normal pale white by the time we’ve finished, showered, and cleaned up. The only reason I’ve ever seen a cover of redness is if my partner takes a picture during the session. I fade quickly for whatever reason.

This time was different. A few hours later, my partner and I were watching a movie together on the couch. My bottom was really stinging in a very painful way. I couldn’t understand why there was so much burning and stinging. I finally had my partner look, and in a pleased voice, he let me know that I had a bunch of red welts and bruises. He took a picture to show me the damage. I was not happy about it though he obviously was.

Twenty-four hours later, he took another picture for me because I was still sore. The welts and redness were still quite visible though they were beginning to fade. I was very emotionally uncomfortable with what had resulted, but I knew that this was part of playing with a newbie. I made it clear to him that I didn’t ever want to play that hard again, and since I couldn’t see what was happening or tell the difference in how it felt, I was going to be depending on him to stop the playing or shift to less damaging implements when my body was starting to mark. He agreed. He hadn’t intentionally marked me, but he also wasn’t upset that it had happened.

However, I was upset. Deeply upset. I couldn’t figure out why. It took me a few more days to realize why the whole event was so disturbing to me. It turns out it had nothing to do with kink or my current partner.

(to be continued)


Hanky Panky

One of the local stations does a feature called “9@9” which I listen to if I happen to be in the car at that time. It’s the top nine songs from another year on that date. Today happened to be 1990, a time when my life was filled with pop music. Song number 4 on the countdown was Madonna’s “Hanky Panky.”  I was totally flabbergasted listening to it play this morning because I think it’s the first time I’ve ever heard it.

How in the hell do I not remember this song from 1990? Why have I never heard it in recent years? I honestly have no recollection whatsoever of this song, and you would think my kinky self would remember it! I never saw the Dick Tracy movie or listened to the soundtrack, and I was not a big Madonna fan in those years though I’ve come to appreciate her a lot more as I’ve aged. I’m wondering if the conservative town I lived in didn’t play it on the radio on moral grounds? How did I miss out on this kinky song?

Sometimes I really wonder what planet I’ve been living on!