Month: July 2017


is sacred to me.
I crave it more
than any other touch.

It’s been ages since I’ve been kissed.
I fantasize daily
about the man of my dreams
showing up in my life
and kissing me passionately.

He shows no hesitation.
He knows he wants me.
His lips reach for mine
desperate to connect on the same
deep physical
yet spiritual level.

Our hearts race
as our lips touch
our touches caress
our caresses stimulate
our stimulation satisfies.
We smile as we break away
looking in each other’s eyes
knowing how much more there is to come.

Kissing is such a strange concept.
If we were to see
two squirrels in the park
locking lips and
shoving their tongues
in each other’s mouths,
we’d think they were crazy.

Yet watching two humans
gazing into each other’s eyes
touching each other’s faces
leaning in and brushing their lips against
the other’s willing lips.
Slowly their lips part,
tongues tentatively touching,
desire building and growing,
passion developing with every passing second.
It’s arousing.
It’s stimulating.
It’s highly erotic.
It’s sexy beyond words.
It speaks to our deepest desires.

I miss that touch,
that eroticism,
that connection.
I crave a man wanting me
loving me
needing me
lusting after me
kissing me


Losing My Spanking Mojo

Three months ago if you had asked me what my primary fetish was, it would unquestionably have been sexual spanking. I loved to be spanked during sex. Spanking was something I didn’t get during the majority of my late marriage, and it was something I was unwilling to consider omitting from any future relationships.

Now? Something changed. I’m really not sure what or why, but something happened. Now when I turn to SpankingTube or any of my other favorite porn haunts, I am disgusted by what I see. What once was arousing now is anything but. It just doesn’t work for me at all.

My sex drive isn’t gone—not at all. I’m still craving sex all the time. But now instead of getting off to fantasies of sexual spanking, it’s fantasies of oral, anal, and vaginal sex– mostly rather vanilla sex at that. The sex is filled with romance and passion. There’s often role play and sometimes a little mild bondage, but overall, kink is pretty missing from it compared to what I used to crave.

I’m not sure where my spanking mojo went. I have no idea if it will come back. Perhaps it was the most recent partner I had who was relatively vanilla. Maybe he rubbed off on me. However, if that was true, you’d think that ten plus years of being married to a purely vanilla man would have converted me completely. And really, the disappearance of my spanking mojo started before this guy even showed up in my life.

The glimmer of hope that I see is that I’m still having spanking dreams. Last night it was three students (two male, one female) being disciplined by a nun for their uniforms not meeting standards. The students were cinched up in a restraining device and spanking machine that would never work in real life, but it was administering wooden hairbrush spankings in my dream as the nun and others watched.

So I don’t know. For now, though, I am going to go with what makes me happy. Isn’t that what sex and fantasies are about anyway? Finding pleasure? If spanking ever works its way back into my kinky world, then great. And if not, I guess I’ll be exploring my sexuality in different ways for the time being.


What Is Kinky Anyway?

One of the things I find interesting is how different people define “kinky.” I think the most common definition of kinky is “whatever those weird people are doing over there—but nothing I would do in my own bedroom.” I also think that in the minds of most people, they define kinky as whips and chains, blood and bruises, sadism and masochism. They don’t think of simpler things, like a pair of toy handcuffs or silk scarves, as kinky. Yet in reality, simple common sexual acts and toys can be quite kinky.

When I was on OkCupid, there were several kink related questions. One asked if the respondent was into BDSM. Almost all guys answered no. Yet when the men got to the question about whether they’d rather be tied up or do the tying, almost all had an answer that wasn’t “no way!” Somehow most men missed out that the B in BDSM stands for “bondage,” and tying a partner up or being tied up is bondage. If the men like tying up a partner or being tied up, they are kinky. They like bondage.

Most people would vehemently protest that idea, though. Most want to believe that their sex lives are “normal.” Yet normal really is just a setting on the dryer. Most people like to do sexual things that if one were to stand back and look at them from an objective point of view, those things are really kind of weird. Most men adore receiving blowjobs, but if you look at them objectively, a blowjob is someone putting their mouth on the part of anatomy where urine is released. Really? Why would anyone want to do that or have it done? Clearly, there’s more to sex than just the logical perspective.

So what is kinky? That’s a really tough question. To me, kinky is being open to things beyond vaginal and oral sex, both of which are considered very mainstream. Kinky includes bondage. Kinky includes anal sex and anal play. Kinky includes all kinds of sex toys beyond vibrators. Kinky might include role playing. For others, being kinky includes sex with more than one partner. And yes, it might include sadism, masochism, spanking, whips, chains, blood, bruises, suspensions, public play, choking, latex, other non-sexual bodily fluids and much, much more. Kinky is a huge range of sexual possibility.

Getting on is one of the great ways to expand one’s mind about what kinky is. Humans have a huge range of sexual behavior, and learning what others like can help one define what kinky is in one’s own sex life. One can quickly figure out that kinky sex is way more common than one actually thinks it is. What goes on in privacy in our bedrooms is really quite fascinating.


The Simplest of Things

It was the simplest of things.

We sat on a bench talking
sharing the deep intimacy that formed naturally between us.
Spiritual siblings
loving so intimately and so deeply
that neither of us had words to explain our love’s power.

Agape we said.
Deep spiritual love.
A love filled with intimacy beyond compare.

Yet it was platonic.
There was no kissing.
No sex.
Just love, intimate and pure.

Until that day
when unintentionally
you changed everything.

As we sat on a bench, my hand resting flat,
you placed your hand on top of mine
interweaving your fingers with mine
closing them tightly around my fingers
uniting us together
creating an intimacy
a love
an irresistible power
that brought down every shield already barely standing around my heart.

To you, it was just a casual touch
an affirmation of our friendship.
To me, it was so much more.
That one simple act
was more spiritual, more intimate, more loving
than all of the sex with my recent lovers combined.
It touched my soul.
and eros began rising within me.

Yet as quickly as it happened,
it became nothing.
Everything disappeared.
The love was gone
because to you,
that gesture
that sacred touch
that intermingling of fingers and souls,
it meant nothing.
Nothing at all.


Yearning for You

Tonight, the loneliness and horniness combine to bring forth a yearning and a torment that can only be resolved through your touch. I want you near me, uniting our bodies and souls into one sacred being. I imagine your arms pulling me close to your naked body. I feel the tender pressure of your hands against my bare biceps and triceps, firm and beckoning. I raise my hands to your chest, running my hands through your soft dark hair, one of the physical manifestations of your manliness that turns me on so powerfully.

Your head bends down toward me as my neck arches up towards you. Our lips reach for each other. We delicately let our lips touch, softly conveying our intense and mutual love. Your tongue follows with an equally subtle approach, tenderly reaching for mine and letting me know that this night is about the communion of our beings. There is passion in your actions, yet the love behind the lusty desire overpowers the physical desperation we both feel for each other. We cannot help but let our passion take over. The soft kisses quickly become engulfing ones, with our tongues frantically probing deep in each other’s mouths. Our bodies press against each other, and I feel your erection straining against my abdomen, betraying your quick arousal resulting from our kisses.

We slowly stop kissing and stare deeply into each other’s eyes. Our eyes are the windows to our souls, and both of us find the spiritual union we want in the other’s gaze. As we continue to connect through our eyes, our breath begins to synchronize, bringing our bodies further into union with each other. The gentle music in the background and the flickering candles subtly increase the intimacy of the moment. There is nothing in the world besides the two of us in this room. We are the only ones that matter. Our love is the only one that exists in time and space.

Having taken time to deeply connect through our breaths and gaze, our day of loving interactions and verbal foreplay rapidly turns to sensuous lovemaking. We cannot and do not want to take our hands off of each other. We gently glide them across the other’s skin, erotically grazing all the places we know bring pleasure to us both. As your fingers meander to my hard nipples, you bend down to kiss my earlobes, nibbling gently, your breath caressing as much as your teeth and your tongue. I quiver with arousal as your touches send shivers throughout my body.

My hands move downward to your firm buttocks, rubbing and squeezing in response to your passionate kisses that are now running down my neck. The texture of your body hair against my soft hands brings sensuous pleasure to me. My fingers move towards your anus; my fingers both enjoy feeling your skin become soft and hairless and also tantalizing your sensitive nerve endings with my touch. I hear you moan with pleasure as my fingers probe firmly downward toward your balls, feeling the texture shift in your skin again.

As you kiss my neck and I explore your nether regions, our legs are pressed against each other, mine shaved smooth and yours textured with dark hair. The combination of the two rubbing against each other makes beautiful music between us, silent but powerful in stimulating our connection.

I feel your hands moving down my back and reaching for my soft backside that contrasts from your highly textured hairy body. I arch my neck backward as your lips move down my chest, moving slowly but steadily with your tongue toward my favorite destination. As your fingers part my nether lips, your tongue begins caressing my clit, quickly making me writhe with pleasure. I let loose sighs of pleasure coupled with squeals of intense release when your tongue manages to hit my clit in just the right way.

My pussy is desperately aching for your cock, a desire I verbalize as you look up and make eye contact with me. Our eyes lock, and once again we feel the need to kiss passionately, my juices fresh on your lips and transferring to mine. We take another moment to synchronize our breathing as we gaze deeply into each other’s soul, remembering that our union is so much more than just the physical. Yet the physical is calling us, and you continue gazing in my eyes while deeply penetrating my soaking wet pussy with your rock-hard cock, the first thrust giving us both intense pleasure that no words can capture. We both gasp and then moan at the intensity of our union. There is nothing that will ever replace the sensation of our bodies joined as one.

Slowly you begin that beautiful rhythm of thrusting your cock in and out of me. My legs wrap tighter around you as I press my abdomen as hard against you as I can, wanting to absorb your cock further inside me than it can possibly go. We hear the sloshing of my juices as you plunge in and out of me, your balls slapping against my pussy with each thrust. Our breathing begins to become very harried and desperate as climax approaches for both of us. You let me come first; I scream out with pleasure as my g-spot explodes from all of the delightful friction of your cock rubbing against it. Unable to contain your need to release once you hear my screams, you also are quickly calling out with unbridled gratification. All too soon, our peaks begin dropping, and our bodies come to rest next to each other in exhausted pleasure.

As I think about laying in your arms in my fantasy, my soul aches for you. I want to feel our energy meld together. I want our souls to return to the state we shared before we came into this world. I wonder when I will finally find you. I feel as though you are getting so close to being in my life. I want you here with me more than you can imagine– or maybe you can imagine. Maybe you are feeling this longing, too. Maybe tonight you are thinking of me and longing for me in the same way I am desiring you. Maybe our lives are about to finally intersect. Maybe we are finally about to begin our journey together.


The Ugly Duckling

I finally came up with a way to better describe how I feel about myself, my appearance, and my dating world.

I live in a town full of ducks. They don’t all look alike, but there are very prominent themes among the ducks who rule the town. They wear skinny jeans. They grow man-buns. They wear yoga pants with flip-flops for formal occasions. The women curl and style their hair for hours only to put it up in ponytail after all the work. They dye their hair popular colors.  They starve themselves rather than gain any weight. They run or lift weights even to the point of repeatedly injuring themselves. They obsess over physical appearance.

These ducks don’t accept themselves as they are, and because they don’t accept themselves, they don’t accept others either. Unless one puts on a facade that meets the local cultural standards of beauty, one can’t be a duck.

I’m not a duck. I’m swimming in the same waters as the ducks, but I am not a duck. They may see me as the ugly duckling, but I  am a swan. I like who I am. I don’t want to change to make the rest of the ducks happy. I am me, and I’m grateful to be me. I wish others could see me as a swan rather than an ugly duckling, but they just don’t. I can’t change how they see me, either. They don’t want to change. They like their narrow vision of the world.

So how does a swan date in a sea of ducks? The answers is that the swan can’t. The swan can try, but all that happens is that the ducks reject the swan over and over again. They don’t even want to be friends with the swan because the swan doesn’t look like them, talk like them, or act like them.

I look forward to one day living in a world where swans are accepted and seen for their natural beauty. Until then, I will just have to hope that one day a lost swan will wander into town and find me here, alone and being a swan by myself.


A Hot Bath

A few nights ago, I was watching YouTube clips of Graham Norton’s talk show. One of the clips that got my attention was Tamsin Greig describing how she learned to fake orgasms on screen. Greig said that her director told her to make the same noises she would make getting into a hot bath.

Last night, as I got into a super hot bath, I immediately flashed back to this clip. With the exception of me screaming “hot” periodically as I got into the tub, yeah, the noises are eerily similar. I’ll never get into a hot bath again without thinking of orgasms. Hopefully the next time I experience an orgasm with another person, though, I won’t be thinking of a hot bath!