I am monogamous. This is as core to me as the facts that I am heterosexual and cisgender. I don’t do multiple romantic relationships at once. I know this about myself, and I know that I need to be partnered with someone who is equally monogamous.
That doesn’t mean I don’t understand non-monogamy. I suspect a very large percentage of the population is naturally non-monogamous just as a large percentage of the population is naturally homosexual and naturally transgender. It’s who we are and how we were born. I respect everyone’s rights to identify as they do and to practice sexuality as they do (as long as everyone can give consent). In return, I expect the same respect for my monogamy, heterosexuality, and gender identity.
Our liberal society often makes jokes about gays trying to convert straights because it is such a huge conservative fear. I often banter with a queer friend of mine because they haven’t managed to convert me after being friends for half of forever. They must not be trying hard enough! I have never had a gay woman try to convert me or even hit on me. It’s a non-issue and a ridiculous fear on the part of conservatives.
Yet despite the respect I experience between those of differing sexual orientations, I don’t experience it from non-monogamous men. It’s something that has gotten ridiculous. I very clearly announce on my dating and Fetlife profiles in capital letters that I am MONOGAMOUS. That seems to challenge non-monogamous men. They interpret that as a “convert me!” request. It’s not. I’m happy as I am.
If I’m willing to respect others’ rights to be non-monogamous, why is it so hard for them to respect my right to be monogamous? I’ve tried a non-monogamous situation (more than once), and it is not for me. I need, want, and crave monogamy. No matter how hard they try, the non-monogamous men are not going to change me on this one. So why can’t they simply respect that?
What bothers me most of all is the number of men lately who have lied to me about their non-monogamy practices despite me being very clear that I don’t engage in non-monogamous relationships. Do they really think that I’m going to stay in a relationship with them when I find out they aren’t being monogamous with me? I won’t. It’s as simple as that.
I’m also befuddled by the men who don’t understand the meaning of monogamy. If you are dating someone else, you can’t be monogamous with me. If you are partnered with someone else, you can’t be monogamous with me even if there’s no sex happening in that other relationship. I don’t just want sexual monogamy. I want romantic monogamy. I want emotional monogamy. I want a one-on-one relationship with one man who wants to be with one woman. Yes, we’ll have friends outside of each other, but we will be each other’s only partner. Why is that so hard to understand? Why is it so challenging to find in the kinky community?