Online Dating Bloopers 7

Another week, another set of inane messages from clueless men in the dating world. This week I got two of the best WTF messages I have ever gotten.

For those who are not familiar, I only have pictures of my feet and legs on dating sites, not my face. I’m also located in Texas.

Just in case anyone wonders or worries, I change names of men who don’t have common names like Joe or John. If someone named Voltron messaged me, I would alter his name to Victor.


First, we have the generic greetings:

“Hi how’s it going? It’s really nice to meet you” He is seven years under my age range, and we haven’t met.

“Hey, how are you doing tonight?” He’s eight years under my age range.

“Hi” He’s local but not a good match.

“Hello” He lives over an hour away and is not a match.

“Hi” He is local but not at all a match.

“Hey there!” He lives three hours away.

“Hello,how is your day going ?” He is nine years under my age range.

“Hello how are you doing pretty” Ugh. Just ugh. He’s also looking to have kids. I’m not. Dealbreaker.


Then we have the guys who put a little more effort into their messages:

“Hi I’m Aaron.”
[18 hours later] “What’s your name?” He’s not a match at all.

“Hi sure would be nice to see what you look like hon” He’s not a match at all.

“Message with me.” Um, pretty please? I don’t respond to demands.

“Tattoos? Baller!” He smokes. I have no visible tattoos in my photos. This is guy #4 to make this mistake.

“Well hello sexy leg 🙂
How are you this beautiful morning ?” He’s local and the right age but not a match.

“Hi how you doing
Can we chat?” He’s in South Africa.

“hi…would you chat a bit?
– skype: [redacted]
Best Regards,
Albert” He’s in Holland.

“Hi!You seem interesting but I can,t tell what you look like?Do yu have Facebook or phone we can share pics.I have plenty on my phone.Mike.” He’s an hour and a half away and he smokes.

“Hello Beautiful, How are going today? it will be nice to chat if you feel we might be compatible.” He’s in Oklahoma.


There are the generic formula message guys:

“Hello beautiful………you have an interesting profile…….would like us to know each other……and get along….I hope to receive a reply from you soon” This oddly came from a man in the city where I grew up in another state! However, he’s not a good match even if he was local.

“Hello good looking…you seems so cool to talk with…how are you doing?im Matt and you?” He’s in Arkansas and not a good match.

“Hello sweetie , I went through your profile and I must say you’re cool, I would like us to get to know better and see wher it leads if you don’t mind” He’s local and not a good match.

Check out all three messages from a linguistic stance. They all are virtually the same. Term of affection, generic compliment, and then request to message. Get creative guys, and show me you actually read my profile!


We have a group of spamming ramblers this week:

Well, I know you must have received about 20 emails like this everyday, so I have been thinking really hard about how to make mine stand out. I think your profile makes you worth emailing,and i really enjoyed reading what you wrote.I thought we may share some similar interests and I would love to learn more about you. I’m peter, I am a very sensual, sexual and passionate man. I love life and see the glass half full. I am always mesmerized by the ocean and want the person I am with to feel a connection also. I love to be fun and spontaneous and enjoy each day finding something joyful to smile about? Drop me a line and we can go from there..kindly get back to me telling me a bit about yourself ok. Enjoy your day and I look forward to hearing from you!
Seriously? This long essay is very generic. There’s nothing in it that says anything that shows me he read my profile. And if he’d like to know something about me, read my frickin’ profile.

“Not only are you very nice looking. I love how well you express yourself.
As you can probably can tell, I have a real hard on for you baby. Let me give you a little back ground on me. You can ask me any thing else you wish to feel the gaps.
My name is Jorge from [redacted]. I am a 20 year [military] veteran. I married a wonderful lady from the [redacted] area. We were married for [redacted] exciting years but she went home be with God [redacted] years ago. She was the best thing that ever happen in my life and the worst when she passed away. Since then I have just been trying to find my way and still enjoy life. That’s why I am on this site. To meet interesting people like you.”
He lives two hours away from me and is five years over my dating age range. He also is sending generic spam because he can’t see my face in this picture!

“Hey, Very sexy pictures! ! I’m a single bi oral Bottom on here looking to meet a women to join me in finding and pleasuring a man. In hope that you are interested. Feel free to ask any questions that you may have”
I only have one picture of my feet. This is spam. I’m a sub, so a bottom is not going to pair well with me. He’s also an hour away from me without traffic.


We have several WTF contenders who might have made the cut for finalists if this hadn’t been an exciting week:

I’ve always liked visiting [your town].
So you have pretty feet…
Do you like to paint your toenails?”
He’s in North Carolina. He can’t see my feet in this photo. And since when is it appropriate to ask someone about their grooming habits in an introductory message?

“OMG would you be turned on if I used a few toys? Some silk scarves, nipple suction cups.”
He lives an hour away from me, but this is not how to get my attention. My response? “OMG. This is not the way to get my interest.”


And then we have two winners for the worst messages of the week:

“Which are you, deaf or mute?”
I was flabbergasted by this question. I replied, “That is honestly the rudest and most bizarre question I’ve ever received on here. I don’t know what prompted you to ask that, but I’m neither. I’d logically have ASL listed in my languages if I was either. Please learn some tact and respect around disability issues.”

“Would you like to help me find out if my surgery for infertility worked?”
I had no idea what to think of this. Does this mean he wants to knock me up? I was discussing this with a male friend. He suggested maybe it was a vasectomy, and I can see how one might think that. However, I think he’s still suggesting, “Let’s have sex and see if you end up pregnant!” No thank you!


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