Online Dating Bloopers 6

Another week, another set of inane messages from clueless men in the dating world. This week the men of the internet got quite creative at times.

For those who are not familiar, I only have pictures of my feet and legs on dating sites, not my face. I’m also located in Texas.


First, we have the boring messages.

hi how are you? [This is from a couple. They’re local and in my age range, but I’m monogamous. I don’t do threesomes!]

Hi how are you [He’s nine years under my age limit and two hours away.]

Hey whats up? I am looking for one person to be with and have fun. [He’s seven years under my age limit and three hours away.]

Hi there.. GM [He’s in Arkansas.]

Good morning how are you doing today [He lives four hours away and isn’t a match.]

Hello how are you doing? [He is in Illinois.]

How are you doing? [He is local and might be a decent match, but his profile is half empty. I also need more to get me interested. I’m always tempted to respond to messages like this with, “Dying from the Bubonic Plague. Wanna make out?”]

Hello [He is 11 years under my age limit and clearly a cub looking for a cougar which I am not.]

Hello there, how are you doing? [He’s in North Carolina.]

Hi I’m Aaron. [He’s 11 years under my age range.]

Hello beautiful [He’s two hours away and not a match.]


Then we have the kinky guys:

hi whats your fetlife profile? [I have in some of my question answers on this site that I have a Fetlife profile that I’m willing to share. However, this was someone from Louisiana, and this person had a major latex fetish. I am allergic to latex. Not a good match at all.]

Very interesting and in depth profile. Would Love to know more about your fetlife. Hope we can chat. [He’s married! I’m monogamous. Clearly he didn’t read that part of my profile.]

hello are you owned [This was from an 18 year old male in Ohio. My response to him: “I am a submissive, not a slave. I will never be owned by anyone. I am also not a cougar. Please learn the basics of BSDM terminology before hitting on women old enough to be your mother– literally.”]

Very interesting and in depth profile. Would Love to know more about your fetlife. Hope we can chat. [Someone local, but he’s partnered. I wrote back, “’I’m sorry, but I’m strictly monogamous. I don’t get involved with people who are “seeing someone.’” My profile is very clear about that.]

Sexy feet [He’s in South Carolina and is eight years over my age range.]

Great feet! [He’s in Canada, so we’ll give him a little leeway. They probably haven’t seen anyone’s feet in months up there since it’s winter.]


Then we have the guys who induced facepalms from me:

hey, just read your profile. thought i’d message you and maybe we can chat, since we live so close together. I too am tired of all the lies and games. message me back if you are interested [His profile says he is looking for NSA. I replied to him, “Clearly you didn’t read my profile. I’m looking for a relationship, not NSA. Good luck elsewhere.”]

Hello am Gregory by name am so glad to meet you here and i love your smile! By the way how are you doing and how is your lovely family and friends am new in this site my friend Mr mark just introduce this site to me and am here to share what i have with those who are also looking for what i want please read my about and if you are real interested quickly reply me GREGORY [He’s from Florida. He’s also a scammer. The grammar here is atrocious, but the writing in his profile is perfect. That means he likely copied it from another profile. The message sounds like he wants to sell me a kitchen appliance or waterfront property in Arizona. And once again, my legs are smiling.]

Heyy there miss ur page grabbed my attention how are u and ur gorgous aye [This guy is 14 years under my age range, plus he has somehow figured out how to have no user name and no location. Thanks, but no.]

Can you handle big cock sexy [Local and in my age range, but sheesh!]

here ı am for you attention [He’s in Turkey so the grammar gets excused, but he is also 14 years under my age range. Even if he was local, NO. Just no. Dear heavens. Talk about entitlement.]

Well hello… can I see ur beautiful self?? [He’s my age and local, but no. That’s not how we begin a conversation with each other.]


But this week’s winners are the guys who made me smile. They’re not matches, but they wrote messages that I enjoyed. I appreciate when guys acknowledge that we’re not a match but they still compliment me. I’m likely to send them a thank you in return.

I do not meet your criteria for a relationship. I just wanted to let you know that you have really cute toes.

Interested in a dentist? A fun painless one! 🙂

I know i might be under your prefered age range… but i enjoyed your writing on your site. You are very funny. And if you are still sick I would love to bring you some hot soup.


And with that, this section of my blog is going on hiatus. I periodically have to take breaks from the world of online dating because it gets so exhausting to deal with this type of stuff. So for now, I’ll just be focusing on other writing I want to get done.


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