Online Dating Bloopers Part 3

This week our themes include men who can see me from the other side of the globe and cubs who don’t have a clue. I am in Texas for the uninformed. My profile pictures only include my legs and feet, never my face.


Hi pretty You looking good [Again, what is up with men being afraid of the verb “to be”? Also, it’s amazing he can see me all the way from New Mexico.]

Hi Smiley face, how are you doing, Just got attracted to your smile and i was amazed. I’m Bruce [I had no idea my legs knew how to smile. No, I’m not interested in someone in West Virginia.]

Hi how are you I will like to know you more text me please +1310REDACTED [While he was local, the phone number is not. It Googles to adult “services.”]

Hi I am Mark how are you do you want to chat [He sent his first message at 2:36 pm and his second repetitive message at 4:46 pm.] Do you want to chat [He’s from New York, too.]

Hello sweet lady, how are you? I must say you extremely beautiful, I am Emmanuel but you can call me see, nice meeting you here [He’s only two years under my age range, but it’s amazing how he can determine my beauty from a picture of my legs while residing the Philippines.]

Hi there. Good morning. I visited your profile and it looks interesting for me. I am interested in mature women and have lots of reasons for this decision. I would be happy if we can chat here and know each other more. If I want to introduce myself very shortly: I am 26, PhD student, 6.1 tall, love adventure, travel, music, concerts, watching movies, cooking, camping,… Hope you have a great long weekend. [He sent me a message almost identical to this one on 12/22/16 from a different account with a similar name. Hence, my response: “Amazingly, my answer is no different than the one I gave when you sent me this message from your [redacted] account. Bugger off.” Why don’t Americans have great phrases like bugger off, anyways?]

Happy New Year. How are you doing today? [Not a good match for me, plus 175 miles away!]

😉 [Yes, really. That’s it. That is the entire message. I didn’t even merit a single word in his book.]

Hey Gm babe [Well, theoretically it’s four words (gm= good morning), one of which is a demeaning term. He’s a local smoker, and smoking is a dealbreaker for me. I don’t ever respond to messages this short and pointless unless it’s to tell them to show women a lot more respect. He followed up with a real winner just four hours later, though:] What is up

would you be interested in talking about sexual fantasies [Sigh. My response:I suggest you find and enlist the assistance of a dating coach. This is not a respectful or even acceptable way to approach a woman.”]

Nice leg [Smartass! Not local either.]

Hello [12 years under my age range and his username includes “the butcher” in it. While it is his actual profession, that doesn’t make a woman feel any less like he’s a mass murderer or something similar.]

Hello how are you doing [I keep questioning why it’s too much to ask for men to use proper grammar and punctuation.]

hey there [Local, the right age, and a terrible match for me.]


This week’s winner was only two years under my minimum age and he was local. He’d just recently put up a minimal profile and had used some buzzwords that were similar to mine. When he answered questions, though, we were not a match. He sent me a polite note saying he had just joined and thought we had a lot in common. I replied that I did not think we were a match but wished him the best of luck elsewhere. He sent me back a note saying that he respected my decision and opinion but wanted to know how I could determine that from the few things he had written. I replied to him that he said didn’t like going down on women, and that is a dealbreaker for me. He only masturbates a few times a year, and that tells me he has a low sex drive. He’s also interested in non-monogamy, and I am monogamous. Let’s figure out why we might not be a match!


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