I have read so many articles bemoaning the fact that porn creates unrealistic ideas for men about women’s bodies. I’ve also read countless articles about how porn gives men ideas that “all women” like to do certain acts that not all women actually enjoy. The bottom line in these articles is how damaging porn is for women when it leads to men creating unrealistic expectations for and about women’s sexuality and their bodies.
However, what I haven’t seen a lot of articles talking about is the damage that porn does to men about their own body images. I can’t tell you how many men I’ve had sex with who are ashamed of their penises because of what they see in porn. They assume that they are small or undersized based on the disproportionately large cocks they see in porn films.
All of us know that it is taboo for heterosexual guys to check out other guys in the locker rooms or at the urinals. That’s just not done unless a man wants to get labeled as gay (see: rampant homophobia in the US) or be attacked for inappropriate sexual behavior. The result is that most heterosexual men are pretty clueless about what other adult men’s penises look like when they’re both flaccid and erect. The penises they’ve seen are through porn, and those cocks aren’t what the average man looks like. Some of those porn penises are actually downright scary and intimidating in their sizes!
One man I had sex with had me convinced in advance of our first sexual encounter that he had a micropenis because of how small he swore he was. When I got to actually see and enjoy his cock, I was amazed at how big it actually was. He is average length but far wider than average girth. There was absolutely nothing small about what he was packing! Still, he was worried about not being big enough for me and me judging him for it.
I don’t understand why so many men turn to me for these reassurances. Have the other women in their past histories not been willing to tell them how they compared to their past partners? Do the men trust me to be honest when they didn’t trust other partners not to coddle their egos? Is this something that men do with all their partners, seeking reassurance that their genitals are acceptable?
What I’ve heard from man after man boils down to one phrase: “Tell me I’m normal.” Guys want to know that they are at least average length. They want to know that their cocks are adequate. They want to know that even though they don’t look like the actors in porn films, they too can be good (or amazing lovers). And once again I have to state, size isn’t what matters when it comes to great sex. What matters is knowing how to use what you’ve got. The longest lover I’ve had was by far the worst because he had no clue what to do with all of his length (and it was only 8″ of length, so not gigantic). Most of the men I’ve been with have been in the 5-6″ length range– completely normal and completely sufficient to get the job done. What’s mattered far more was their ability to tune in to me and my needs rather than being just focused on their own cocks.
I swear that the quickest way for a relationship to end for me is for me to buy lingerie that works for a particular partner’s desires or fetishes. Every single time I buy a fancy bra that is what tickles his fancy or I purchase a costume for something that he wants to roleplay or I invest in a corset in a color that turns him on, the next thing I know the relationship is over before I have even gotten a chance to wear the new item in question for my partner. In a few cases it has been sex toys, not lingerie, but most of the time, it’s lingerie. At least this time I hadn’t washed the purchased item yet so I can return it!
So should I just quit buying lingerie that caters to my partners’ desires? How does one break this curse? Or is Murphy and his Damn Law destined to rule all parts of my life?
Almost all of the men I have had sex with have preferred a shaved pussy. I’ve heard the theory that it’s due to influence of porn on men’s minds as to what vulvas “should” look like. I can also buy the argument that they prefer not to have hair in their mouths when performing oral, though that argument loses a lot of steam if they subsequently refuse to go down on women (as too many do).
Since I’m not attached to my pubic hair style, I’m happy to style it however my current partner prefers within reason. However, as an obese woman, I find it very difficult to shave myself. I end up cutting myself most of the time even with an electric razor. It’s physically difficult to reach many spots. I can’t see what I’m doing even when using a mirror to help.
Thus, I tell the guys that I’m happy to shave myself for the first time or two, but after that I either need them to shave me or wax me. I love being shaved by my partner. It’s an act of dominance that totally turns me on. It’s also an act of caring and devotion. Some have been willing to do it (and I’ve returned the favor for them if they’ve asked though I prefer my men to be somewhat hairy in the genital region and otherwise).
However, not one single partner has been willing to wax me. They cringe at the thought. They want me to wax myself (how, I don’t know) or have someone else do it. They won’t do it. They turn into scared wimps. One of them, the most disciplinary Dom I have had, started whining at me about how he was afraid he’d hurt me. Really? You love to beat my ass red. You want me to choke on your cock when you ram it down my throat. Yet you are afraid of hurting me by waxing me?
I have never understood this bit of male logic. They want us as women to go through the pain of being waxed for their sexual gratification, but they’re too scared of the pain of waxing to help do it to us or even being around when it’s done. What a bunch of wimps. Also, see: hypocrites.
There was only one guy whom I was messaging with who I believe would have actually waxed me, though I found out he was married and that was the end of that since I don’t do married men unless I am married to them. He was the most sadistic man I’ve ever messaged with. He identified as primal, but his sexual desire for pain was more than that. He was a true sadist. He honestly scared me quite a bit with the level of his sadism, so when I found out he was married, part of me was relieved that I wasn’t going to be playing with him despite all his other appealing qualities.
So what does that say that only a true sadist is willing to help a woman wax her vulva yet all the other men want a silky smooth pussy as long as they don’t have to do the work? What is it about men and their unrealistic beauty requests of women? Why is this still the way the things are? What are other women doing to help change this?
This is the final post in a series of spanking survey questions. For this final post, I’ve simply compiled a list of all the questions with none of my answers for those who might be inspired to answer some or all of them on their own blogs. I collected these questions from various memes, surveys, discussion boards, and blogs from across the internet.
- Do you believe spankings are an effective form of discipline?
- How often were you spanked growing up (rarely, often or very often)?
- When you were spanked, how hard was it?
- Were spankings given on clothing, underwear, bare bottom or nude?
- What position were you in for spankings?
- Where were spankings given?
- What implements were used during your spankings?
- Do you feel you’re a better or more disciplined person today because of it?
- Who did the discipline in your house?
- Did you ever get spanked by anyone other than your parents?
- What offences did your parents consider deserving of a spanking?
- Was it effective in making you stop doing whatever you were doing wrong?
- When your parents spanked, was it done on the spot while you were standing, or would they make it a bigger event by making you go over their knee or over your bed, etc.?
- What age did you get your last spanking and what did you do?
- Did you cry every time?
- How did your parents know you learned your lesson?
- What other discipline methods did your parents use on you?
- Do you feel it was abuse or at times necessary discipline?
- Do you believe that spanking may have led to anger and/or trust issues with your parents?
- Were you afraid of your parents?
- Were you ever spanked in public?
- Were you ever spanked in front of others?
- Were you spanked at school?
- Which parent would you rather be spanked by?
- Did you ever get spanked twice for the same thing?
- Did you ever get spanked twice in the same day?
- Who pulled down your pants and panties?
- Were you given any chance to justify your behaviors before spanking?
- Is there a rule for number of strokes for particular offence?
- When did your parents scold you about what you did wrong?
- What were your parents’ spanking styles like?
- What offenses your parents/guardian considered deserving of spanking at the first time without warning?
- Were you ever given bedtime spankings?
- Were you ever spanked at the same time as someone else? Who went first?
- Were you ever told, “Wait until your father gets home?”
- What phrases did your parents use to warn you of an impending spanking or to declare your punishment?
- Were you ever spared a spanking once one was declared?
- How sore your bottom was after a typical spanking?
- On a scale of 1-10 how much did the average spanking hurt?
- Were you ever spanked for something you don’t feel you deserved?
- Was your spanking ever interrupted by a doorbell, phone, or visitor?
- Were your spankings ever delayed?
- Did you ever have to wait to get your spanking?
- Were you ever spanked before school?
- With what word did your mom or dad refer to your “bottom”?
- What did you do or say when someone said, “You’re going to be spanked”?
- Were you ever bruised by a spanking?
- How young were you when you received your first spanking?
- Did you face corner time after a spanking?
- What happened to you after spankings?
- Were you ever spanked in a car?
- Were you ever spanked in a public restroom?
- Were you ever given enemas or other types of physical punishments sometimes coupled with spankings?
- How did you feel after a spanking?
- Did your parents ever tell you that this would hurt them more than you?
- Did your spanker hug/kiss/tell you they love you, right after the spanking?
- Do you remember ever doubting their love for you because of a spanking?
- Did they ever feel like they spanked you unjustly?
- Did they ever tell you that you were too old to be spanked?
- Did they ever tell you that you were not too old to be spanked?
- Would you mind if they spanked you, for a good reason, in your adult years?
- How long were your spankings?
- Do you think spanking was better or worse than most of the other punishments your parents or guardians used?
- How were your parents disciplined?
- Were your parents in a domestic discipline relationship?
- Where were you spanked besides your bottom?
- Did you feel embarrassed to get a spanking from your parent/guardian?
- Did you want to be spanked as a child?
- Did you try to earn a spanking as a child?
- Did you ever try to get friends spanked?
- Did you ever try to get siblings spanked?
- Were you a well-behaved child?
- Did you ever get spanked or witness a spanking at a slumber party?
- Were there times when you should have been spanked but weren’t?
- Do you feel your gender ever made a difference in how you were spanked?
- Did you ever feel your birth order made a difference in how you were spanked?
- Did others know you were spanked?
- Did your tears ever affect the length of your spanking?
- Were you ever able to talk your way out of a spanking?
- Did you have permission to spank any of the kids you babysat? Did you spank them?
- Have you ever urinated during a long spanking?
- Did you ever check out your bottom after the spanking?
- Did you ever check out someone else’s bottom after a spanking?
- Did you look up spanking in the dictionary?
- How did you feel about spanking in comics?
- How did you feel about spanking scenes in books?
- How did you feel about spanking on tv and in movies?
- Did you get birthday spankings?
- Did you spank your dolls?
- Did you play spanking games with friends?
- Were your friends spanked as teens?
- Did you talk about spanking with your friends?
- Did you hear spanking threats?
- Did you witness any others being spanked?
- Did you like watching others be spanked?
- Did you ever volunteer for a spanking when you were a child by confessing something naughty you had done but your parents didn’t know about?
- Did your parents ever let you choose a spanking versus another punishment option?
- Did you ever request a spanking over a grounding or other punishment?
- Were you ever involved in a group spanking where many kids were spanked at once for the same “crime”?
- Did your parents ever give you the warning of “If you don’t do X by the count of three, you’re getting a spanking. 1…”? How high did your parents count before giving you a spanking?
- Did you ever volunteer to take the blame and the spanking for a sibling or a friend?
- Did you ever do something stupid as a result of a bet with someone when you were young and then got spanked for it?
- Did you ever tell your parents that the spanking didn’t hurt?
- When you were a child, were you ever sentenced to several spankings on consecutive days for the same event (such as a spanking every night for a week for unruly behavior)?
- Would you ever want to be spanked again by one of your parents as an adult?
- As an adult, have you talked to your parents or your siblings about your childhood spankings?
- Did you ever wish for another adult to spank you as a child than the ones that already did?
- Did you masturbate after your spankings as a child?
- Do you find you have an attraction to spanking porn/art/erotica/photos from the era when you were a child?
- Have you recreated any of your childhood spankings as an adult during roleplay?
- Did you ever make a New Year’s resolution to get less spankings the next year?
- Do you have the spanking implement(s) that were used on you as a child and are they used on you as an adult?
- Now that you’re older, what is your opinion on the use of spanking with children?
- Do you think parents have a right to spank their children?
- How do you think parents should spank their children?
- What ages do you think parents should spank children?
- Is corporal punishment an effective method of disciplining a child?
- Does corporal punishment lead to the development of good character?
- Does corporal punishment help build respect for authority figures?
- Does corporal punishment work better than other disciplinary methods that don’t involve physical pain?
- Have you ever intervened in a situation in which a child was being hit by a parent/guardian in public?
- Did you spank your own children if you had any?
- If you have children would you spank them as a last resort?
- If so, is there anything you would do differently compared to your parents?
- Do you think spankings should be allowed in schools?
- Do you think corporal punishment should be considered by the courts for children? For adults?
- When did you start wanting to be spanked as an adult?
- Who do you want to be spanked by as an adult?
- What is the reddest your bottom has ever gotten from a spanking as an adult?
- Would you be interested in being spanked by a machine?
- Would you volunteer as the target in a spanking booth?
- Would you like receiving bedtime spankings?
- Have you ever participated in a spanking contest? (a contest where you and a friend spank each other mercilessly and see who lasts longer)
- Have you ever been spanked nude in front of your friends?
- Have you ever been spanked until you cried?
- How often are you spanked?
- How often would you like to be spanked?
- How long are your spankings?
- Do you find violence sexually exciting?
- Would you consider a DD relationship?
- Why do you feel a need to be punished as an adult?
- What would you like to be punished for as an adult?
- Do you find the thought of getting spanked by your partner sexually exciting?
- Do you find the thought of spanking your partner sexually exciting?
- What is your favorite thing about spanking?
- Do your friends know you are a spanko?
- Do you self spank?
- What is your least favorite spanking implement?
- Would you describe yourself as a rule follower or a rule breaker?
- Have you ever spanked a partner?
- Do you want to be threatened with spankings?
- Do you like being lectured?
- Would you like an all day spanking day?
- What sex do you prefer to be spanked by?
- Would you ever see a dominatrix?
- Where do you like being spanked besides your butt?
- Who do you like to pull down your pants and underwear?
- When you get spanked as an adult, do you cry? Have you ever been spanked to tears?
- Have you had a birthday spanking as an adult?
- Have you ever been spanked in the workplace?
- Would you ever want to be spanked in the workplace?
- Have you ever been spanked in a cemetery?
- Have you ever been spanked in a church?
- Have you been spanked on a wet bottom?
- Have you ever asked anyone but a partner for a spanking?
- How old were you when you got your first spanking as an adult?
- How long has it been since you got spanked as an adult?
- Do you ever try to get a spanking?
- Do you find spankings embarrassing as an adult?
- Did you get spanked on your wedding day/night?
- How do you like your spankings to start?
- Have you ever been spanked to orgasm?
- What time of day do you want to be spanked?
- Would you like to be spanked by two or more spankers?
- Do you masturbate after your spankings as an adult if you are not having sex with your spanker after the spanking?
- If you were being spanked with someone else, would you rather go first or second?
- Have you ever been to a spanking party?
- Do you want to pick your own implements?
- Do you prefer wearing a skirt or pants for a spanking?
- Do you have other spanking related fetishes?
- Do you have any spanking related hard limits?
- Do you prefer fast or slow spankings?
- How do you respond to spankings as an adult?
- Have you ever asked to be punished for something you did growing up but weren’t caught?
- Have you been spanked with a butt plug in?
- Have you been spanked with a vibrator inserted?
- Have you been spanked wearing a gag?
- Have you been spanked while bound?
- Do you enjoy being spanked on a still sore bottom?
- Have you ever been spanked outdoors?
- Would you like to be spanked outdoors?
- What kind of spanking videos do you like to watch?
- What kind of spanking fiction/erotica do you like to read?
- Do you think being spanked as a child make you a spanko?
- What spanking phrases turn you on?
- What kind of spanking role play do you enjoy or want to try?
- What spanking implements have you been spanked with as an adult and what did you think of each?
- What spanking implements would you like to be spanked with as an adult but have not yet been?
- What spanking implements do you not want to be spanked with?
- What positions or special situations do you like to be spanked in as an adult?
- What positions do you not like being spanked in as an adult?
- What positions have you not tried being spanked in as an adult but would like to?
- What is your preferred clothing status during a spanking as an adult?
Once again, my heart is breaking because this is how I rumble. I open myself fully without realizing I’m doing it. I fall head over heels for a guy and don’t know I have given my heart to him. I try to convince myself it’s nothing. But it’s something, and it’s always something major.
I don’t understand why my heart engages like that. Why do I have so much love to give? Why could I not love the one and only man in my dating career who has loved me the way I want to be loved?
My heart seems to jump in first, followed somewhat rapidly by my hormones. My head always clicks in a few days or weeks after when I needed it to actually be the voice of reason.
And so, once again, I’m left with a shattered heart and a desire never to love again.
It will pass, but in the meantime, it sucks.
Pass me the Kleenex, the chococlate and the wine, y’all.
This post is a continuing series of spanking survey questions, now moving to questions about spankings as an adult. Previous parts are here: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen.
What positions or special situations do you like to be spanked in as an adult?
Back of couch
Back of stuffed armchair
Hands and knees on bed
Hands and knees on the bed while sucking his cock
Laying on bed with spanker sitting on my back facing reverse
Over center of bed on pillows
Over side of bed
Over stuffed armchair arm
Over the knee
Over the lap
What positions do you not like being spanked in as an adult?
I haven’t tried anything I haven’t liked yet!
What positions have you not tried being spanked in as an adult but would like to?
Backseat of a car
Bent over chair
Bent over desk
Gynecology table (pussy spanking)
Hands and knees on floor
Holding shower rod
In the rain
In the shower
Kneeling on chair
Kneeling with my head between his knees
Knees on floor. Lean over bed w/ limbs tied down
Laying on bed with spanker sitting on my back facing reverse
On a wet bottom
Over a cannon
Over ironing board
Over the edge of the bathtub
Over the hood of a car
Over the kitchen counter
Piano keys lid
St. Andrew’s cross
Tied to a four post or canopy bed
Tied up to a hook on the ceiling
Under the shoulder
While being figged
What positions are you not willing to be spanked in as an adult?
Over banister on balcony—I get vertigo from this kind of thing.
Over the shoulder – I’d be open to this and think it’s very sexy but my weight makes it prohibitive.
Wheelbarrow—That position always looks super awkward to me.
What is your preferred clothing status during a spanking as an adult?
I like starting clothed and then ending up nude. Of the options given with this question, this is my order of preference:
Naked waist down
Pants down, in thong/jock strap
Pants down, in tight underwear
Pants down, in underwear
In underwear only
Naked waist up
This post is a continuing series of spanking survey questions, now moving to questions about spankings as an adult. Previous parts are here: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.
Which of these spanking implements have you been spanked with as an adult and what did you think of each?
Belt, leather—I’ve only experienced it once but really liked it.
Belt, leather with cutouts/holes—I’ve only experienced it once, and the belt we were using was flimsy. It didn’t work well. I’d be willing to try again with a different one.
Brush, bamboo—It stings more than the wood brushes but this is my daily use hairbrush so it’s emotionally more powerful when it gets used on me for spanking.
Brush, plastic hair—Stingy but I like it.
Brush, plastic bath—Stingy but I don’t mind it.
Brush, wooden bath—Stingy and thuddy but I like it.
Brush, wooden hair – Stingy and thuddy and I like it.
Crop– I hate the damn thing yet I’ll also ask for it on occasion. I have two. I don’t like when it accidentally gets used as a cane on me.
Drumsticks—I actually really enjoyed these.
Flogger, leather – I have an imitation leather flogger that I love when used properly.
Flogger, mini—I really love the mini-flogger.
Hand—I like hand spanking. It also depends whose hand and how hard! I find hand spanking to be really stingy and I prefer more thuddy.
Paddle, leather—I have a bunch of leather and imitation leather paddles. I love them. They’re my preferred choice for spanking implements most of the time.
Paddle, ping pong – I really like this being used on me.
Rope—I hated this. It is way too stingy. Never again.
Spoon, wooden—I like the wooden spoon a lot. Most of my partners don’t like using it, though.
Tawse, leather—The leather tawse I have is really stiff. I bought it for pussy spanking, and it stings like holy fuck. It works better on other body parts.
What spanking implements would you like to be spanked with as an adult but have not yet been?
On these, the ones with stars are implements that I own but which I haven’t managed to get a partner to use on me.
Belt, braided leather
Carpet beater, mini
Ceiling fan blade
Cutting board, plastic
Cutting board, wood
Flogger, braided leather
Hot Wheels track
Paddle, butter churn*
Paddle, Lego board attached
Paddle, lexan with holes
Paddle, plastic with holes
Paddle, wood large
Paddle, wood small
Paddle, wood with holes
Paint stick, plastic
Paint stick, wood*
Shoe, gym (aka plimsoll/sneaker/sand shoe)
Slipper, leather sole*
Slipper, plastic sole*
Spoon, plastic mixing *
Spoon, wooden with holes*
What spanking implements do you NOT want to be spanked with?
Birch, single branch
Loopy johnny (neoprene)
Paddle, wood with horseshoe attatched
Rolling pin, plastic
Rolling pin, wood
Whip, dragon tongue
Whip, dragon’s tail
Thanks to followers on Fetlife for helping me add to this list. Feel free to add more ideas in the comments section!
(continue to part 15)