Online Dating Bloopers Part 3

This week our themes include men who can see me from the other side of the globe and cubs who don’t have a clue. I am in Texas for the uninformed. My profile pictures only include my legs and feet, never my face.


Hi pretty You looking good [Again, what is up with men being afraid of the verb “to be”? Also, it’s amazing he can see me all the way from New Mexico.]

Hi Smiley face, how are you doing, Just got attracted to your smile and i was amazed. I’m Bruce [I had no idea my legs knew how to smile. No, I’m not interested in someone in West Virginia.]

Hi how are you I will like to know you more text me please +1310REDACTED [While he was local, the phone number is not. It Googles to adult “services.”]

Hi I am Mark how are you do you want to chat [He sent his first message at 2:36 pm and his second repetitive message at 4:46 pm.] Do you want to chat [He’s from New York, too.]

Hello sweet lady, how are you? I must say you extremely beautiful, I am Emmanuel but you can call me see, nice meeting you here [He’s only two years under my age range, but it’s amazing how he can determine my beauty from a picture of my legs while residing the Philippines.]

Hi there. Good morning. I visited your profile and it looks interesting for me. I am interested in mature women and have lots of reasons for this decision. I would be happy if we can chat here and know each other more. If I want to introduce myself very shortly: I am 26, PhD student, 6.1 tall, love adventure, travel, music, concerts, watching movies, cooking, camping,… Hope you have a great long weekend. [He sent me a message almost identical to this one on 12/22/16 from a different account with a similar name. Hence, my response: “Amazingly, my answer is no different than the one I gave when you sent me this message from your [redacted] account. Bugger off.” Why don’t Americans have great phrases like bugger off, anyways?]

Happy New Year. How are you doing today? [Not a good match for me, plus 175 miles away!]

😉 [Yes, really. That’s it. That is the entire message. I didn’t even merit a single word in his book.]

Hey Gm babe [Well, theoretically it’s four words (gm= good morning), one of which is a demeaning term. He’s a local smoker, and smoking is a dealbreaker for me. I don’t ever respond to messages this short and pointless unless it’s to tell them to show women a lot more respect. He followed up with a real winner just four hours later, though:] What is up

would you be interested in talking about sexual fantasies [Sigh. My response:I suggest you find and enlist the assistance of a dating coach. This is not a respectful or even acceptable way to approach a woman.”]

Nice leg [Smartass! Not local either.]

Hello [12 years under my age range and his username includes “the butcher” in it. While it is his actual profession, that doesn’t make a woman feel any less like he’s a mass murderer or something similar.]

Hello how are you doing [I keep questioning why it’s too much to ask for men to use proper grammar and punctuation.]

hey there [Local, the right age, and a terrible match for me.]


This week’s winner was only two years under my minimum age and he was local. He’d just recently put up a minimal profile and had used some buzzwords that were similar to mine. When he answered questions, though, we were not a match. He sent me a polite note saying he had just joined and thought we had a lot in common. I replied that I did not think we were a match but wished him the best of luck elsewhere. He sent me back a note saying that he respected my decision and opinion but wanted to know how I could determine that from the few things he had written. I replied to him that he said didn’t like going down on women, and that is a dealbreaker for me. He only masturbates a few times a year, and that tells me he has a low sex drive. He’s also interested in non-monogamy, and I am monogamous. Let’s figure out why we might not be a match!


I Wanted Dessert

When the friendship request showed up in my Fetlife inbox, I didn’t recognize the avatar, so I clicked through to see whom it was. When I landed on his page, my first thought was, “YUM!” That’s not my typical response to most men’s pictures, but for some reason, this man really did it for me. His profile indicated he was single, and reading over his fetishes, he looked like he would probably be a good match for me in many ways. However, that nagging doubt in me didn’t think a man who was that good looking could possibly be interested in me. Still…. I clicked accept, and then I wrote him a note thanking him for friending me. I hoped that was enough to let him know I would be interested in talking more with him. If not, there wouldn’t be too much egg on my face. I hit send, and I waited.

And waited. And waited. Finally, five days later when I had already given up hope, he responded, asking to chat and see where things might go between us. I was thrilled to my core. This super-hot guy wanted to see if we might have enough chemistry to play and have sex! We spent way too much time chatting that first night, and after a few hours, we both knew we wanted to meet up. We switched to texting, and we planned our first date for two nights later. Included in our discussions were those sometimes initially awkward topics of condoms, hard limits, pubic hair styles and such. Both of us clearly were hoping that the date would go well and would lead to kinky sex.

The night of the date finally arrived. We had picked a restaurant halfway between our homes. Both of us were late thanks to a traffic mess, but I got there first and was seated at the table that was still waiting for us. Not long after, he walked in the door. When I saw him in person, my first thought was, “Ok, we can leave now and go back to my place. I want to fuck him.” He was just that desirable to me.

As he approached the table, I had to keep from throwing myself at him. I did, however, decide a hug would be appropriate. I think I surprised him with that move, but he returned the hug willingly. We sat at the table in chairs adjacent to each other. While I’d been fairly calm until this point, my nerves suddenly kicked in. Sitting in such close proximity to him was turning me on. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to get through a meal when I was next to this gorgeous man whom I just wanted to fuck.

Conversation flowed easily between us, just as it had when we were messaging and texting. We had plenty to talk about. He kept slipping his hand under the table to put it on my knee, but since it was our first date, he behaved himself beyond that. When we finally finished our meal, he asked me if I wanted dessert. I responded to him, “Nothing that they have on the menu here.” His eyes lit up since he knew exactly what I had in mind for dessert, and he was more than willing to partake in the same.

Knowing implicitly he had my consent, he got up, pulled me gently to a standing position and kissed me ever so carefully on the lips. A shiver went through my entire body, and I began shaking. I wanted this man more than anything I could imagine in that moment. The pheromones he was giving off were just overwhelming. We couldn’t get out of the restaurant fast enough.

Once outside, we found that the sun had set and a cool breeze had started blowing. He put his arm around my shoulder as we walked toward my car. While he thought he was doing something romantic, which it was, I was incredibly grateful for his body warmth as well! Finally arriving at my car which was parked at the far end of the lot, we turned to face each other. Now that we were no longer surrounded by so many others, we felt free to show each other how we were actually feeling. His tongue parted my lips and mine greeted him in response. We exchanged kiss after kiss, enjoying the foreplay that had begun between us. I let him know in between kisses that I had shaved my pussy for him, something which aroused him further. We pulled our bodies closer to each other as the intensity of our desire turned up yet another notch. His fingers traced along the revealing cleavage line of my blouse, and then he let his hand wander onto my breasts. After several minutes of this, I knew we had to stop because I was about ready to ask him to get in the back of my minivan with me. I wanted him, and I wanted him then and there.

Finally agreeing to take the rest of the evening back to my place, I told him I would text him my address while he went to his car so that we didn’t have to worry about getting separated on the way there. With a final kiss, he put me in the driver’s seat of my car and closed the door. I pulled out my phone, but my hands were shaking so much from arousal that I initially texted him the wrong address. After correcting my typo, I took a moment to breathe deeply and refocus. I had to get myself home safely. The night was only beginning.

I beat him back to my house, and I took advantage of the few minutes I had to freshen up. Soon he arrived. He was barely in the front door before I had thrown myself in his arms again, desperately craving more of the amazing kisses which I had unwillingly ended in the parking lot. There were no protests on his part. He dropped his toy bag and grabbed onto my body, pulling me close and kissing me fervently. His hands roamed up into my hair, and our kisses became even more passionate than before.

“Perhaps we should move this to your room,” he suggested after a few minutes of our intense greetings. I thought that was an excellent idea. I turned off the porch light, locked the door, and led him to my room which I had prepared before leaving. My toy box was sitting near the bed. Lube and condoms were on both nightstands, just for convenience. Water bottles were on both nightstands, too, since I was planning on working up a sweat with him.

The rest of the night was a blur. Time seemed irrelevant. We were the only two people in the world at that point. The only thing that mattered was our desire and bringing each other as much pleasure as possible. I was anxious at first, and I let him know that. I told him that my lack of experience was making me nervous. I told him exactly how few partners I had prior to him, and he let me know that was ok. I believed him. I knew I could trust him to make sure I was safe tonight as we began exploring each other’s bodies and desires. I was certain he was going to be a gentle Dom, but one who also would have no hesitation to spank me as hard as I needed and wanted.

Our clothes came off very quickly. We had no need for them. They were only getting in our way. What we both wanted, desperately, was to touch each other’s naked skin, to feel the heat of our bodies pressed together, to hear to the other’s moans of pleasure. Our mouths wandered around each other’s bodies, finding various places to nibble and suck. Earlobes. Throats. Shoulders. Fingers. Breasts. Nipples. Bellies. Thighs. His cock. My clit. His balls. My vulva. As our mouths wandered freely, so did our hands, touching every part of each other that they could find.

Having made a sufficient initial exploration of each other’s bodies, he laid down on the bed, his head just below the pillows. “Sixty-nine me,” he commanded. I willingly obeyed. I straddled my pussy over his face and took my mouth down toward his cock. As I pulled his member into my mouth, I felt his lips beginning to explore my pussy. As I went deeper, so did he. As his tongue hit my clit for the first time, I let out a gasp which made me drop his cock from my mouth. He responded with a slap to my ass and the words, “Don’t stop.” Regaining my focus, I moved onto his balls, pulling them gently into my mouth one at a time. He continued his lingual probing as well. What he was doing to me was very distracting, and I was having a hard time concentrating on my job!

When he could tell I wasn’t capable of continuing both cunnilingus and fellatio at the same time, he instructed me to let him up. I did, feeling him grabbing onto my ass as he sat up. While staying on all fours, I moved forward a bit on the bed to give him more room to access all of my delicate parts which were beyond craving for an orgasm at this point.

What he did next surprised me utterly, though. I suddenly felt his tongue delicately rimming my asshole, causing an intense pleasure I had never experienced before. “Ooooohhhhh!” came the combination of a moan and squeal from my lips as I was overwhelmed with excitement and surprise by this new activity. He let out a laugh, and asked, “Does that feel good, babygirl?”

When I responded yes to his question, I was greeted with a finger being shoved into my pussy to lubricate it, and then he quickly shoved that same finger into my ass causing me to emit another scream of surprise and pleasure. He already knew I had an anal fixation, and he knew that I was more than happy to accept his probing of any orifice he chose with almost any instrument he selected. As his one hand was busy with fucking my ass, the other found my clit and my g-spot. Yet another scream came from me as his hands began to work magic on all my sensitive nether regions. It didn’t take long before his touch brought me to my first orgasm of the night, an intense release that was so very needed.

After having brought me to the ultimate pleasure, my new lover was ready to enjoy his share of the receiving, too. He released my body, and he instructed me to flip onto my back so that he could enter me missionary style. He quickly grabbed a condom off the nightstand, ripping it open and slipping it on. I was thrilled to be in a position that would let me see the looks of pleasure on his face as we fucked. As I quickly dropped onto the bed and spread my legs around him, he leaned forward and kissed me, hard, in order to firm up his erection a bit more. As our tongues were touching, he began leaning his body all the way down. His cock easily slipped into my well-lubricated pussy which was drenched from all the foreplay. I wrapped my legs around his, and he began to slowly thrust inside me.

Nothing is quite like having a lover’s cock inside of me after a sexual drought: seeing his face, hearing his groans of pleasure, feeling the slapping of his balls against my pussy. My hands ran through his gorgeous graying hair, and my eyes focused on the intense expressions of pleasure on his face. I wrapped my legs closer around his body, asking him—no begging him—to cum for me. He happily obliged. He let out a moan that sent shivers through me as his pleasure became mine.

Collapsing with exhaustion next to me, my lover and I exchanged grateful looks at each other. He pulled me close to him, allowing us to cuddle up and share that intimate time after our orgasms. We began talking again, and no longer overwhelmed with that tension of desperate desire, we began truly enjoying each other’s company. Periodically we exchanged kisses, keeping the sexual mood of the evening going even while we were saving up energy for the next round. Our hands never stopped touching each other’s bodies, constantly finding new places to caress and arouse.

Eventually the talking and kissing and cuddling led to desire for more intense activities again. He had promised me that he would be spanking, licking and fucking me our first time together, and having done two of those three, he set out to do the third. I was ordered to get on my hands and knees in front of him, and soon his hand found the rhythm of spanking my ass that would make me squirm. However, he had promised me a good, hard spanking, one that would turn my ass red, and to get closer to that goal, he grabbed a mini-flogger from his bag. Though he hadn’t had much practice with it, my lover soon elicited squeals of pain and pleasure as he repeatedly flogged my ass. He was a natural at using it on me, creating a burn that stung yet felt incredibly good. Eventually deciding that he had used that implement enough on me, he tossed it aside and then pulled a small leather paddle from his bag. Taking careful aim, he let loose a loud smack on my ass that made me question why I had been begging him for a spanking. As his free hand found its way to my dripping wet pussy, I remembered why. He began to rub my g-spot with one hand, alternating his movements with the occasional smack on my ass with the paddle in the other hand. My screams and moans became thoroughly mixed together. Finally, the pleasure overtook the pain, and I let go into an amazing orgasm.

Once I recovered from the intense pleasure my lover had given me, I turned to him and smiled. He was still naked in my bed, and his raging hard-on told me that he wanted more release, too. As I began sucking on his cock, he let me know that seeing a woman’s eyes looking up at him while she licked the head of his cock was one of the most arousing things for him. With that bit of intimate information, I began making sure that I could see his eyes as often as possible while my tongue was circling the head of his cock. Over and over again I went down on his cock, occasionally going all the way down to his balls and letting them have their fair share of time in my mouth as well. I even went all the way down his taint, licking carefully, and finding his asshole which loved my tongue just as much as his cock did. I had never rimmed a man before, but I found it to be a sensation unlike any other, one that was as enjoyable for me as it was for him.

Having pushed my lover to his breaking point, he pressed me down on my back again while I willingly complied so that he could have his way with me. Another condom was obtained and put on his rock-hard cock which then quickly found its way into my pussy. Once again our bodies found that unique rhythm, that pounding action, that horny fucking which makes us all into wild animals. We fucked each other desperately, kissing each other periodically between thrusts, whispering words of desire. Finally, he came inside me, moaning with pleasure and collapsing on top of me.

The rest of the night was truly a blur. We talked for many hours of it when we weren’t busy licking me, sucking him, spanking me and fucking each other. After the night’s festivities were finally over, I semi-rhetorically asked him if he planned to come back. He pretended to think about it: “Hmm. Let me see. Yes!?!” We cuddled closer and kissed again, both thrilled with the prospect of more hot and kinky sex between us in the days and weeks to come.

Eight hours had passed since he first walked through my door, and “dessert” was finally over. After we kissed goodbye at the front door, he headed home, and I went back up to my messy room. I collapsed into bed with a huge smile on my face. I was incredibly glad I’d accepted that friendship request!


Men, Height, and Hair(lessness)

At one point in my online dating experience, I messaged with a man who happened to be 5’8” and bald. He had irrationally lashed out at me about nothing in particular. It turns out he was very bitter towards women on dating sites because he felt there were no women who would date shorter men and/or bald men. Once I was able to pinpoint what he was really angry about, I let him know that there are women like me who aren’t necessarily looking for tall men and who think bald is beautiful. My ex-husband was much taller than me, and I found it inconvenient at a best. Likewise, I think some of the sexiest men in the world are bald. Their lack of hair has nothing to do with the attitudes they convey which are what make them sexy. This bitter man would not believe that I was speaking the truth about how I felt about shorter men and bald men. I finally gave up, hit the block button, and walked away.

Ironically, right after that I started dating a man who was 5’10” and bald. That’s not short by any means, but he was insecure about his height after having been with so many women who extolled the virtues of men over six feet tall. I thought he was the perfect height for me—super easy to reach up and kiss! I never had a problem with his height, but I don’t think he ever truly believed me how much I liked his body the way it was.

On the other hand, he definitely believed me when I told him that I was totally turned on by his bald head after we had gone on a few dates. I had initially been unsure about what it would be like to not run my hands through my partner’s hair during sex. However, I soon discovered that rubbing my hands on his freshly shaven head was a totally different but highly sensuous experience, one that I fell in love with. I had never expected his silky soft head would create such an erotic experience for me. For the first time ever, I truly understood what it is men find so incredible about women’s shaved legs (not to mention other shaved bits!).

Eventually that relationship came to an end, and my lover’s bald head was one of the things I knew I would miss about him. Once I started looking online for a new boyfriend, I found myself being subconsciously drawn to bald men. I realized that I was unintentionally “downgrading” men because they had hair! I made myself stop doing that, though, because I am not going to pick my partners based solely on appearance. There are far more important things about men than their hair or lack thereof!

Life has a sense of humor: After dating several men with typical short haircuts, the man who became my next lover ended up having hair significantly longer than mine. While I’ve never been particularly attracted to men with long hair, I found his incredibly arousing. Running my fingers through his hair was just as sensuous as my previous lover’s bald head but in a very different way.

For me, the moral of the story is that touching every lover’s hair or lack thereof can be an extremely sexual experience. The color, the texture, the length or even the presence are irrelevant. The same is true with a man’s height. What matters is the man underneath that sexy scalp who is standing in front of me wanting to be my loving partner.


Going Clubbing

(M/F, ageplay teen spanking, pussy spanking, slapping, oral sex, 69, facefucking, percussion play, gagging, cunnilingus, fellatio, vaginal sex, bondage, crop, hand, drumstick, hairbrush)

I was slipping on my 5” black leather heels when I heard the front door open, so I walked into the front hall. Much to my surprise, my Daddy was standing there. Shoot! He wasn’t supposed to be home for another hour. This was going to interfere with my plans to sneak out clubbing! Well, it was time to see what I could get away with. Maybe Daddy wouldn’t notice how I was dressed?

“Hello, Daddy,” I said. “You’re home early.” With that greeting, I gave Daddy a big sloppy kiss.

“Young Lady!” Daddy replied. “Is that beer on your breath?”

“Um, no, Daddy. I don’t drink beer,” I quickly answered. I was greeted by a slap on my ass for my response.

“Try again. Your breath is loaded with beer, and you have an open bottle of beer in your hand at this very moment,” Daddy corrected.

I looked down at my hand. Oops. That was kind of damning evidence. I thought I’d try for a Hail Mary save, though.

“No, Daddy. This is your beer. I was just getting it out for you, and I tasted just a little bit to make sure it was safe for you to drink. I was only thinking of you,” I replied.

Daddy didn’t buy that one for a second. He took the beer out of my hand and put it down on the entry hall table. Then he grabbed my pigtails and dragged me over to the living room couch.

“Bend over! In position NOW!” Daddy commanded. Crap. Well, I could take a quick spanking and then still get out of the house on time to go meet my friends if I cooperated and if Daddy didn’t drag out my punishment. Compliance was probably my best bet at this point.

Daddy put his hand on my ass, but he didn’t start spanking. Instead, he started lecturing.

“Just what do you think you are wearing young lady? When you bend over, your ass hangs out of this skirt. Why on earth would you think I would ever let you out of the house wearing an outfit as indecent as this one?” Daddy demanded.

“It’s just a short leather skirt, Daddy. Everyone is wearing them. It’s cute and fun,” I answered optimistically.

CRACK. Wrong answer. Daddy’s hand smacked against my sit spot which was inconveniently hanging out of the skirt now that I was folded over the back of the couch.

“Young lady, you know damn well that you would never be allowed out of the house in an outfit like that. It’s going to attract boys to you like a moth to a flame. And You. May. Not. Date. Boys.” Daddy punctuated each word in his last sentence with strong slaps to my exposed lower butt cheeks and upper thighs. Ouch, the spanks were really stinging.

“And what kind of underwear do you have on anyway?” Daddy continued in his tirade, stopping spanking me just long enough to stand me up, flip my little black leather skirt upward, and then push me down on the back of the couch.

“Um, a leather thong, Daddy,” I answered. There was no way to lie my way out of that one given that my ass was now completely on display.

“I cannot believe you were going to try to leave the house wearing a thong. You know that I don’t think thongs are appropriate undergarments for young girls. Why do you even own one?” Daddy demanded to know.

“Because everyone my age wears them,” I said, “And I think they are cute and I think I’m old enough to wear them now.”

“Oh, you think so do, do you?” Daddy retorted, not sounding like he agreed with my answer much. “We’ll see about that. By the end of the evening, I think you will concur with my point of view which is that you are still a little girl living under my roof, and while you live under my roof, you will follow my rules. Am. I. Making. Myself. Clear?” Daddy really spanked hard as he asked that question.

“Yes, Daddy,” I screamed out, knowing that it was the only reply that might save my backside some of the coming punishment. I was hopeful, anyway. I wasn’t going to be able to wear this leather skirt out clubbing if my ass and thighs were bright red.

Pausing for a moment in his spanking efforts, Daddy changed the topic of his lecture. “What is the legal drinking age?” Daddy asked of me.

“It’s 21,” I replied honestly.

“And how old are you?” Daddy asked, pulling tightly on my ponytails with one hand while pushing on my ass to remind me that he was in control.

“Almost 21,” I fudged.

“WRONG!” Daddy spanked. “You are only 19, and you are going to get 19 hard spanks to remind you of that fact,” Daddy continued. With that, Daddy began giving me very hard spanks directly to my sit spots while counting out, “One, two, three, four….” Daddy made it all the way up to 15 before he stopped.

“Wait a minute. Why am I counting?” Daddy asked himself. “We’re starting again with you counting. NOW!” Daddy demanded with a hard spank to my ass.

“Sixteen!” I screamed out.

“No!” said Daddy. “We’re starting over. You have to count all of the spanks from the beginning. You will start at one.”

“But that’s not fair, Daddy!” I lamented. Daddy responded by spanking my bottom several times in a row quite hard. “OW!”

“Who makes the rules in this house, Young Lady?” Daddy asked of me while continuing to smack my bottom.

“You do, Daddy,” I replied, perhaps with a tad too much attitude. Ok, with a lot too much attitude. Daddy noticed that attitude and decided it was his job to spank that out of me, too.

“Young Lady, you are totally out of line tonight. Drinking beer, wearing indecent clothing, giving me attitude, going out clubbing without my permission. I bet you were going to try to kiss the boys at the bar, too,” Daddy insisted, all the while continuing to spank my bottom.

“No, Daddy! I know I’m not allowed to date. I wouldn’t let the boys kiss me. You wouldn’t like that at all,” I responded, hoping Daddy would believe my words.

“No, I would not. Now, back to your spanking for being underage and drinking. You will count to 19, and you will do it loud and clear,” Daddy instructed me.

“Yes, Daddy!” I replied. I didn’t dare say otherwise at this point since Daddy had one hand on my pigtails and one on my ass. There was no way I could win this, so I decided I should try to minimize the damage to my ass in the process.

Once again, Daddy began spanking, and I began counting. “One. Two. Three. OW! Four. Five. Six-seven-eight! Ow, Daddy! Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve-thirteen-fourteen. DADDY! Fifteen. Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty.” Wait, twenty? Daddy said I was only going to get nineteen. I began to lodge my protest.

“Daddy, you said I was going to get 19 smacks, one for each year of my age,” I complained.

“I changed my mind,” replied Daddy, “So I suggest you keep counting or we will start over yet again.”

“Twenty-one!” I wasn’t wanting to start over. My bottom was already smarting from the 36 hard spanks Daddy had given me, plus all of the other ones he had given me in between the counting sets. Now I had no idea how many more he planned to give me. All I could do was keep counting while he kept spanking.

Finally, we hit 35, and Daddy seemed to think that was a sufficient number of spanks… for the moment anyway. I was hoping he was done.

“Stand up and face me, now!” Daddy commanded. I did as I was told. I looked Daddy in the eyes and said, “Thank you for spanking me, Daddy. May I go now?”

“Absolutely not, Young Lady! You are not going to be going out tonight. I don’t know why you haven’t gotten that idea through your head yet. Not dressed like that and not wearing a burqa. You will be staying home, and you will be getting punished for the rest of your behavior. That was just for the beer drinking. We still have your outfit and your sneaking out to ‘discuss,’” Daddy informed me.

Crap. So much for my hot plans for the night. Still, maybe if I got through the rest of the spanking without too much damage to my ass, I might be able to sneak out my bedroom window after Daddy left me for the night. I could hope, anyway.

Daddy took one look at me standing in front of him and shook his head. “How do you think you were even going to dance in that outfit?” he asked me.

“Um, the way I always do, Daddy,” I replied, praying he didn’t ask for more details.

“Show me!” Daddy demanded.

Sigh. Well, this one wasn’t going to gain me any favors, I was sure. I could try to dance in an enthusiastic manner, but I knew my breasts would pop out of my corset if I did. There would be no way to convince Daddy that was what I actually intended to do, so I was left with the truth. Slowly I edged toward him, and I began grinding my hips, my pelvis shoving up against his.

“Grinding?!?” Daddy exclaimed. “You were planning on grinding up against strange boys in a club? Why on earth do you think that is appropriate behavior?”

I didn’t know how to answer that. I was pretty sure there was no way I could convince Daddy that I should be allowed to grind with boys when he didn’t want me dating or kissing them.

“That’s it. Kneel in front of me like the slut you are,” Daddy insisted. Ugh. I knew what was coming, and while I normally enjoyed it, I really wanted to get the show on the road so I could leave to meet up with my friends. This was going to delay things.

Daddy unzipped his pants and pulled his very hard cock out of his boxers. He shoved it in my face and instructed me, “Suck on Daddy.” I obeyed rapidly, pulling his cock into my mouth with his lips. However, Daddy was mad, and I could tell. This was not going to be an easy blowjob. This was going to be a punishment for me and a pleasure for him. With that, he began facefucking me very hard. In and out his cock slammed, jamming down my throat and occasionally causing me to gag. Daddy really wasn’t concerned with my gagging. He just wanted to fuck my face.

I stopped at one point when a particularly powerful gag overwhelmed me. Daddy was not pleased. He slapped me in the face and instructed me again, “I said SUCK ON DADDY.” So once again we began the rapid paced facefucking game that Daddy enjoyed so much. My knees were beginning to hurt and my eyes were tearing up, but that was part of the pleasure for Daddy. He knew that he could make me do whatever he wanted because I was his penitent little girl.

Finally, after what seemed like half of forever, Daddy was somewhat satiated. He pulled his cock out of my mouth and grabbed my pigtails with his left hand. He used his right hand to pull my face upward to look at him. “You understand that was just the beginning, right, Little Girl? You were incredibly disobedient tonight. You deserve to be punished for acting out so much, and I’m going to give you that discipline you are needing so desperately. I’d be a negligent Daddy if I didn’t,” he lectured.

“Yes, Daddy,” I replied, with tears dripping down my checks. I was going to be sleeping on my stomach tonight, that was for sure. All hopes of sneaking to the club after my spanking had vanished with that last lecture. When Daddy got into one of these moods, there was no hope at all for my ass. I would be lucky to be sitting tomorrow at all.

With that, Daddy used my pigtails to pull me up to a standing position. As he did, the sudden movement caused my left breast popped out of my corset. Crap. That was going to provoke more of a problem with Daddy, I was sure of it.

“Look at me!” Daddy commanded.

“Yes, Daddy,” I replied again. I wasn’t sure what he had in mind for me next, but I knew the added display of my breast was not going to help anything. I was right. As I looked at Daddy, his left hand squeezed my breast tightly, and his fingers slipped down to my nipple. Without dropping his eyes from my gaze, Daddy pinched my nipple so hard that I cried out.

“Good,” Daddy responded. “I’m glad to know I have your attention. I believe your tit popping out of your outfit proves my point once and for all.” And with that, Daddy began slapping my breast while continuing his lecture. “You are nothing more than a slutty girl who needs her Daddy to show her how to behave. This is Un. Acc. Ept. Able.” Each of the last syllables was punctuated with an extra hard smack to my breast, and after he finished those last four slaps, he added fifth and a sixth to each cheek on my face. Tears continued streaming down my face.

“That’s exactly what I want to see, you naughty little girl,” Daddy said in response to my tears. He grabbed onto my face with his hand and gazed deeply in my eyes. “I know you are humiliated by this punishment, and I know that those tears are ones of repentance. You deeply regret your choices tonight. However, I’m not done punishing you yet. By the time you go to bed, you will be the sorriest little girl you have ever been. You will know that just because you are 19, you are not exempt from the rules of my house.” With his free right hand, Daddy punctuated his last few words with slaps to my exposed left upper thigh. “You. WILL. Behave. Understand. Me?”

“Yes, Daddy. I was a very bad girl, Daddy. Please punish me as you see fit.” Wow. Where had that come from? How had Daddy worn me down so quickly? What happened to the young woman with the attitude who was defying her Daddy so brazenly earlier tonight? How was I already willing to submit to his will? It’s amazing what a strong Daddy’s hand can do to make his Little Girl remember her place very quickly. And unfortunately for me, I knew Daddy’s hand wasn’t done punishing me yet.

“Upstairs to your room, NOW!” Daddy commanded me. I very quickly went up the stairs, hoping to get a few steps ahead of him. When I didn’t, Daddy had an annoying habit of spanking my bottom all the way up the stairs. Fortunately, he was too busy pulling up his pants, gathering his beer and finding the supplies he was planning on using on my ass upstairs. I slid into my room, turning on the light and then tucking my loose breast back into my corset. However, that last maneuver was totally in vain. Daddy had seen me doing it as he walked in my room.

“Let’s just get rid of that nonsensical excuse for a top, Little Girl,” he instructed me. “You don’t deserve to be wearing any clothes anyway.” Sigh. It was going to be one of those nights where Daddy was going to humiliate me in every possible way. Knowing that any resistance on my part would only lead to a worse punishment, and possibly more tomorrow, I complied, quickly unsnapping the front of the corset. I had the corset off of me and on the floor in about five seconds flat, but unfortunately that displeased Daddy even more.

“If you can pop that corset open that quickly, what do you think the boys on the dance floor would have been doing?” Daddy demanded to know.

“They would have been trying to get it off, too,” I admitted to Daddy. “But I wouldn’t have let them, Daddy. I am not that kind of girl.”

“Any woman who wears that kind of corset IS that type of girl, Young Lady,” said Daddy. “Don’t think I haven’t met my fair share of them in my years. Now, get that ridiculous excuse for a skirt off, too.”

I quickly unzipped the short leather skirt and gave it a strong tug. It fell to the floor next to my corset, and I stepped all the way out of it. I was left standing in front of Daddy in my g-string, my garter belt, my fishnet thigh highs, and my high heels. I was feeling rather ridiculous now for my choice of apparel and for thinking I could get away with wearing it out of the house. Daddy always found out. Always.

Daddy took a good look at my remaining attire and announced, “You shouldn’t be wearing that g-string. It’s not like it’s covering much, but it needs to come off so I can spank your pussy—hard!” With that declaration, Daddy violently ripped my g-string downward. The elastic got caught up around my knees, so I quickly stepped out of it, knowing that when Daddy wanted my panties down, he actually wanted them all the way off.

After having stripped me of the last possible covering of my dignity, Daddy commanded me, “Lay on the bed on your back with your legs hanging over the bed.” I dutifully followed Daddy’s instructions despite having the instinct to refuse.

Daddy barked at me, “Open your legs!” This was what I was afraid of. My pussy was about to pay for my disobedience. Daddy was going to remind me who was in charge of my pussy, and it wasn’t me. But first, I knew I was in for another lecture about the state of my pussy.

“Why is there HAIR on your pussy?” Daddy demanded.

“I just haven’t shaved lately, Daddy,” I meekly replied, knowing it was an unsatisfactory answer but knowing I was at fault on this one. Daddy liked my pussy “as smooth as a baby’s unspanked bottom,” and my pussy was anything but at this point. “But that proves I wasn’t going to let the boys touch me, Daddy. I would have shaved if I wanted them to touch me.”

“You WHAT?” Daddy bellowed. Oops. Wrong thing to say.

Daddy had had enough of my excuses and shenanigans, and so he began spanking my pussy with his open palm. “WIDER!” he commanded me as he was having a difficult time getting his hand down onto the most sensitive parts of my pussy. I obediently followed his directions and then let out a scream as Daddy was able to land a very hard spank across my nether regions. Ow, ow, ow! I did not like getting my pussy spanked. Not only was it very embarrassing, but it just plain hurt.

After a rapid-fire volley of about 20 hard spanks on my pussy which left me in tears yet again, Daddy stopped. I was hoping that he was done torturing my poor pussy, but alas, I wasn’t in luck. He reached over to the closet and pulled out a crop. Ugh. If I hated anything more than getting my pussy spanked, it was getting my pussy cropped. Daddy was merciless with the crop. It took him very little effort to inflict large amounts of pain with it, and that was just as he liked things.

SWISH-THWACK! The crop came down on my pussy, and once again, I shrieked. There was nothing like the crop on my pussy for causing a pain that made me vocalize. I was completely unable to take a cropping without very loudly protesting even if I had intentions of remaining silent. This time, though, I decided Daddy deserved to hear my screams of pain. He was unfazed, though. In fact, I suspected Daddy rather enjoyed hearing my cries and seeing my tears.

Again and again Daddy let the crop fly through the air and land on my unshaven pussy. Each time it landed, I screamed, and then I began closing my legs. Daddy had no patience with that response from me! To get me to open my legs again, he used the crop on whatever bit of my inner thighs that he could reach, and then he barked at me, “You will keep your legs spread for Daddy unless you want to repeat this spanking again tomorrow!” That threat was enough for me to comply. I had to put my hands on my knees to keep them from closing with each painful lick of the crop.

Finally, Daddy decided my pussy had been punished enough. Tears were streaming down my face, but that did not motivate him to be merciful. No, this pussy spanking would end the way they all did: With a series of five very hard stinging swats directly on my clit. Daddy ordered me to open my lips for him, and having endured this cruel punishment before, I knew what he expected. I also knew how to hold my lips in such a way that my hands and fingers would not get in his way. THWACK, THWACK, THWACK, THWACK, THWACK! I let out a scream so loud that I was sure all of the neighbors had heard through the closed windows. I curled up in a ball, my hands delicately covering my clit as I continued to sob.

“Young Lady,” Daddy stated calmly, “You know that was only part of your punishment for your behavior this evening. That covers the unsuitable attire you were wearing. We still have the matter of your disobedience to deal with. You tried to sneak out of the house without my permission to go clubbing.”

“Yes, Daddy,” I bawled. I couldn’t argue with that. I was guilty as accused.

“However,” said Daddy, “I am going to give you a bit of a break while your pussy recovers from its punishment. While you are waiting, though, I expect you to suck on my cock. When you stop sucking on my cock, your punishment will resume. Now, rotate 180 degrees so that your head is hanging off the bed.”

Definitely not wanting to resume my punishment, I chose to submit to Daddy’s cock. He had pulled his pants and boxers down yet again to give me full access to his cock, and as I opened my mouth widely and accepted his cock. Daddy let out a groan of pleasure as my lips closed around his manhood and began caressing it.

“Good girl,” Daddy moaned. “You always know how to please Daddy when I put my cock in your mouth.”

I paused to say thank you to Daddy, but he was not interested in words of gratitude. “Don’t stop!” he commanded, slapping at my very exposed and still sore pussy which was laying displayed in front of him on the bed. I cringed as the smack hit my still very sore pussy, but I managed not to bite down on Daddy’s cock. That would have been a horrible mistake! Instead, I put all my attention toward sucking on Daddy’s thrusting cock, desperately trying to please him and to delay the rest of my punishment as long as possible.

I must have been doing something right because Daddy decided to reward me. “Spread your legs again, Young Lady,” he ordered. I was initially afraid he was going to start spanking my pussy again, but instead, I was pleasantly surprised as he bent forward over me and began licking my delicate and sore clit. I let out a moan of pleasure, sucking harder on Daddy’s cock and causing him to emit a similar moan of his own.

Both of us were very happy in our current situation, licking and sucking and moaning. Daddy kept thrusting his cock into my mouth, and I kept pushing my pussy further toward his mouth. This was definitely a wonderful intermission from the harsh punishment spanking that Daddy was doling out tonight. However, I unfortunately began to get too close to orgasm. Daddy’s loving tongue had caressed me to the brink of pleasure after so much arousing pain. Daddy could tell by my moans and wiggling that I was about to cum, and he was not about to reward me in that way before my punishment was over! He quickly jerked his mouth off of my pussy and replaced it with a hard slap of his hand.

“OUCH!” I yelled out, not having expected this change of events.

“You naughty little girl,” Daddy declared. “You thought you could have an orgasm during your punishment, both before you were done being disciplined and before you had given Daddy an orgasm. Now why would Daddy let you do that?”

“I’m sorry, Daddy!” I apologized. “You were just doing such an amazing job licking my clit that I forgot that I was still being punished.”

“Well,” replied Daddy, “We certainly can’t have that. I’m going to make sure you know that you are being punished for the rest of the evening.” Inwardly, I groaned. What new torture had Daddy decided upon for me now? I was soon to find out.

“Up on your hands and knees,” Daddy commanded. I followed his orders and flipped over. However, my face was now looking at Daddy, and that was not the end of me he wanted anymore. “Turn around,” his orders continued, and so I reluctantly presented my still sore ass to him for further punishment. While the redness from the hand spanking I had receiving earlier was mostly faded by now, the tingling had not left yet. Daddy reinvigorated that pain by giving me a hard spank to my left butt cheek with his hand, one that was so hard I instinctively collapsed to the bed.

“Absolutely not, Young Lady!” Daddy hollered at me. Shoot. I had screwed up again. I hadn’t meant to. It was just instinct to try and avoid a spanking. Daddy knew this, but he also knew he could stop it from happening.

“Turn and face the headboard while still on your hands and knees,” came Daddy’s next order. I did as I was told while Daddy grabbed a piece of rope from his kit.

“I am going to tie your hands to the headboard,” Daddy announced. “I want you to stay on your knees so that your ass is in the air for me, but I want you to scoot your hands forward so that I can bind your wrists and secure them so that you won’t be trying to get away from your punishment again.”

“Yes, Daddy,” I obediently replied. My movements complied with Daddy’s wishes, and soon I found myself securely tied to the headboard. I tried to pull out from the rope, but there was no way my hands could move. I could still swing my hips and legs, but I couldn’t get too far away when I did. That was exactly what Daddy wanted (and truth be told, I did, too).

Having now locked down his target, Daddy announced, “I thought it would be fitting to punish you for your attempt at clubbing with a drumstick, and not the ice cream variety.” With that, he cracked a hard wooden stick across my ass. Ouch! Daddy had never used a drumstick on me before, but it was quite effective: not as thuddy as a paddle but not as stingy as a crop. Daddy rapidly repeated the stroke again and again as I began to cry out. Having figured out the optimal method for punishing my bottom with this new implement, Daddy grabbed its twin and began using the two to beat out a rhythm on my bottom. I began providing the harmony as the hard swats induced yelps each time they landed. Daddy cackled with delight. He had found a new and suitable punishment for my sins.

“I quite like this new drum I’ve found,” said Daddy over my cries. “It makes quite a beautiful noise when I strike it.” And with that pronouncement, Daddy let out a flurry of whacks with the drumsticks, and I released one long howl in response. Finally, Daddy stopped drumming on me, satisfied with the interesting new marks he had left on my ass.

“So, Little Girl,” Daddy said to me once I had calmed down a bit, “We have punished you for your underage drinking. We have punished you for your inappropriate attire. We have punished you for failing to shave your pussy. We have punished you for trying to sneak out of the house tonight. We have just one infraction left to punish you for. Do you know what it is?”

I thought for a moment. What else had I done wrong that Daddy knew about? I didn’t want to admit to anything he didn’t already know about because I didn’t want to increase my punishment. However, if I didn’t correctly guess the sin Daddy was thinking about, he would increase the harshness of the strokes on my ass.

“Think hard,” I thought silently to myself, “What else do you normally get punished for?” I hadn’t lied. I hadn’t talked back. I hadn’t forgotten to do chores. Oh, attitude. That’s right. One of my usual sins that I have been spanked for time and again. Sigh. Now my poor bottom was about to pay the price for my attitude once again.

“I gave you attitude earlier this evening, Daddy,” I replied as meekly as possible, trying to show Daddy that I was remorseful and deserving of mercy. “I am very sorry I took the wrong tone of voice with you when you were disciplining me. I would appreciate it if you would punish me for acting out.”

“I’m proud of you for asking nicely, Little Girl,” Daddy said while suggestively rubbing my ass, “And I would be happy to punish your naughty bottom for the sins of your mouth. How do you deserve to be punished?” Daddy knew I hated to ask for my punishments, and hence, he liked to make me ask for them. I knew what was expected of me, no matter how much I hated to say it.

“I deserve to be punished like a very naughty girl, Daddy. I deserve for you to use my hairbrush on my naked bottom until you turn it the shade of red that shows the rest of the world how much I disobeyed you.”

“Good girl,” replied Daddy, “I would normally make you go get your hairbrush and present it to me but since you are a little tied up at the moment, I will spare you the walk of shame this time and I will get it for you. I’ll have to give you a few extra strokes for not fetching it yourself, though.” That hardly seemed fair to me, but given my position, both figuratively and literally, I didn’t think lodging a protest was in my best interest. If I just could make it through this hairbrushing, my punishment for the evening would be over.

I heard Daddy get off the bed and go over to my dresser where he found my hairbrush waiting for him. He smacked it against his hand a few times, not because he needed to test it out, but to help create greater suspense for me. I knew that hairbrush was about to be applied on my bare bottom, and hearing its thud only reinforced the agony of my upcoming trial. There were only seconds left before the hairbrush would begin biting my skin under the guidance of Daddy’s strong arms.

WHACK! came the first blow suddenly, and I yelled out. Despite all the “warming up” my bottom had received, it still was not ready for a fresh assault by a hairbrush that was being used at full force on my bottom. I could hear my sadistic Daddy laugh at my scream, and then he said, “Oh, does that hurt, naughty Little Girl? Well, TOO BAD!” Daddy punctuated the “too bad” comment with two more hard swats, one to each side of my bottom.

As my cries of distress renewed, Daddy began to give me the punishment that almost every naughty girl receives from her Mommy or Daddy at some point or another for giving them an inappropriate attitude. Daddy swung the hairbrush with great skill, making sure he hit each and every bare spot on my bottom and then moving down my thighs as well going all the way down to a few inches above my knees. He wanted my punishment to be visible under the short skirt he would make me wear around the house for the rest of the evening and tomorrow, too. Up and down my legs the hairbrush made its rounds. I had long ago lost track of how many times Daddy had spanked my poor bottom and thighs, but I knew it was well over a hundred times. Tears poured onto the sheets as the pain continued with each swat I received.

My hips had begun swinging too much for Daddy’s approval somewhere in the middle of the spanking as the urge to evade the brush rose up within me. However, my Daddy was strong, and it was easy for him to stop that movement. Given that my hands were already securely tied, Daddy just had to push my body up against his and use his free arm to hold me tight. Once he did, there was no way I could escape his grasp and the reach of the evil hairbrush.

Having thoroughly reddened my bottom and thighs, Daddy gave me a flurry of hard spanks to my sit spots that caused me to screech. I was hopeful, though, that it was the final volley and that my punishment was over. Daddy let me loose a bit and allowed me to continue crying, but he still held me close even though the hairbrush had stopped hitting my bottom.

Once my sobs had lessened to the point that I could talk, Daddy asked me in a stern tone of voice, “Do you think you have learned your lesson, Young Lady?”

“Yes, Daddy!” I replied as quickly as possible, hoping to avoid any more punishment. However, Daddy was not done with me.

“I. Should. Hope. So.” Daddy responded, spanking my bottom firmly with each word he spoke. I cried out again, but it didn’t stop Daddy from lecturing and continuing to spank me, though truth be told, the rest of the spanks were quite gentle compared to what I had been receiving previously. However, on my bright red bottom and thighs, any more action was incredibly painful and undesired on my part.

“I know you think you are a big girl and you can take care of yourself,” Daddy sternly continued as he spanked, “But you are still my Little Girl, and if I think you are acting inappropriately, I will not hesitate to pull down your panties and give you the long hard spanking you deserve. I don’t care how old you get, you will behave in a manner that is appropriate. You will not drink. You will not grind. You will not lie. You will not sneak out of the house. You will not dress indecently. You will not give me attitude. Have I made myself clear?” Those last five words were accompanied by another set of very hard spanks on my upper thighs.

“Yes, Daddy!” I cried out, sorrier than I had ever been for acting out. “I will always listen to you. I am so sorry for being a bad little girl tonight. Thank you for punishing me like I deserve. You are a good Daddy to me!” I was hopeful my contrition was obvious through my tears. It appeared I had convinced Daddy it was because he dropped my hairbrush on the nightstand next to the bed.

He didn’t untie me, though, and I suspected I knew why. I was certain once I heard his pants and boxers falling to the floor. He quickly pulled his t-shirt off, too. He scooted onto the bed, and I felt two of his fingers probing into my pussy.

“It seems that my naughty little girl got turned on by her spanking!” Daddy said. “Lucky for you, I consider that a good thing. I don’t have to punish you for getting so very wet. On the other hand, I do have to fuck you for it.” I was still wearing my thigh high fishnet stockings, my garter belt, and my heels, and Daddy never passed up a chance to fuck me when I was wearing them.

“Yes, Daddy.” I then began begging in the voice of a very sorry girl who needed release desperately after all of the punishment of the evening, “Please Daddy. Please fuck me like the dirty little girl that I am. Please make me cum, Daddy. Please cum inside me.”

“I’m more than happy to do that for you, Young Lady,” Daddy said as he knelt behind me, scooting his legs close to mine and thrusting his cock inside my wet and waiting pussy. I was so wet that there was no friction at first: It was more like a slip-and-slide. Daddy began pounding me hard, and my a-spot near my cervix responded quickly to his thrusts. Soon, I was screaming a different scream than the others I had emitted this evening. This was a scream of pure pleasure, the one that comes with an intense orgasm that is so desperately needed.

When I stopped, Daddy pulled on my pigtails and praised me, “Good girl. I’m so glad you came for Daddy so quickly. Now it’s Daddy turn to cum.” And with a few very hard thrusts that slammed his body against my sore ass, Daddy let out his orgasmic moan. I felt his hot cum soaking into my pussy and dripping out a bit, too.

Daddy backed away from me and collapsed on the bed. He rested next to me while he unfastened my wrists from the headboard. Once I was free, Daddy grabbed my exhausted body and pulled me close to him, snuggling my very sore ass against his crotch and putting his hands on my breasts to hold me close. We cuddled like this for quite a while, letting our bodies return to normal after an evening of such intense play, pain and pleasure.

I eventually rolled over and kissed Daddy passionately. I was no longer his little girl but instead was his forty year old lover. “Thank you,” I said to him, grateful for all he had done to me and for me this evening.

“It was my pleasure,” Daddy said. “How would you like me to rub some lotion into your ass?” he asked in his normal tone of voice. “I really gave it to you tonight.”

I smiled and replied, “Yes, you definitely did a good job of spanking my ass, Daddy. I would very much love some lotion rubbed in to soothe my aching bottom.” With that, Daddy pushed me onto my stomach and grabbed the lotion from next to the bed. He scooped some onto my bottom and began gently massaging it in. The combination of the rubbing and the lotion was incredibly soothing and arousing.

I was the luckiest girl in the world.


Online Dating Bloopers Part 2

Another week, another series of inane messages from clueless men around the globe. This week’s offerings provided more foreign offerings than usual. I’m in Texas for those not familiar. All typos and errors are courtesy of the original authors.

Hi, how are you doing? I found your profile attractive and I would like to learn more about you. Thanks James [He’s in Arkansas. Why waste my time or his?]

HI – May I ask – would you ever date a guy who was curious about the cuckolding lifestyle? [He’s in North Carolina. Seriously, how would we date? And I am MONOGAMOUS. Why do guys not get what that means?]

I’m JOHN REDACTED i’m here to date a woman that will make me happy till the end of life you can kindly reach me on my number …. 936REDACTED [This guy claims to be in NY but has a Texas area code that puts him 225 miles away from me. Can we say SPAM boys and girls?]

Hello [This is from a guy who is in my age range, in my area, but is a 34% match with good reasons. He’s also obviously not much of a conversationalist.]

Hi beautiful, how you doing? I’d like to know you better [He lives over an hour away and is a terrible match.]

Hello how are you? hope to get to know you if you don’t mind write back to me…… [He’s in Egypt. I don’t have a passport. This could be a problem.]

Hello to you ,
first of all,
i could not see your photos…
my mail and skype are
skype = REDACTED
awaiting your reply,
thank you very much and
best wishes to you and
your family.  [From Tokyo. Again, I’m lacking in a passport.]

Hi good evening! how are you? [This was sent at 8:31 pm. He sent me the next message at 8:42 pm.] Hi what do I have to do to get your attention? [Perhaps fill out his blank profile?]

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to get to know you. I believe we are both here for a reason to this dating scene, Anyway where there is a will there is a way. I just signed on this site a days ago and i have never make use of it until i discover your profile and to be sincere it caught all my attention. I’m in search of my Soul & Dream Mate, Lover and Life Companion. James [This is what is called “scammer grammar.” It’s clearly a fake profile.]

Hey, how’s your night going ?? [He’s 13 years under my limit]

Yankee? I’m from MA. Where you from? [He believes homosexuality is a sin but says he doesn’t judge. End of discussion.]

Hello… how you doing? [What do guys have against the verb “to be”? How ARE you doing? Where ARE you from?]

Hey, how are you? [He’s 14 years below my limit.]

I saw only your legs [Well, good, because that’s all that is in my picture! Plus he’s in Algeria.]

I’m JOHN REDACTED i’m here to date a woman that will make me happy till the end of life you can kindly reach me on my number …. 914REDACTED [Yes, seven days later I’ve received the exact same spam with a different phone number!]



Figuring Out the Truth

In The Force Awakens, Han Solo tells the young Finn that “Women always figure out the truth. Always.” I laughed hysterically at this line. It’s true. My ex still tries to lie to me on occasion, and I don’t know why he bothers. I can always tell when he’s lying to me.

With new men in my life, I give them the benefit of the doubt. I believe what they tell me. I assume they are telling the truth until proven guilty through their own actions. More often than not, it’s fairly easy to catch a man in a lie. The ones I don’t catch are often sociopathic in nature.

The latest man to lie to me was the most recent man I broke up with. He told me I was being unjustly suspicious about two women he was flirting with online in a forum we both frequented. He told me that he was just being friendly. He had thought I wouldn’t see what he said to them, but I did, so he made me feel like I was a paranoid nutcase. And then, three weeks later, the truth comes out. I was right. I had figured out what was going on. He is involved with one of them in a relationship of a sexual nature. The flirting started before we broke up, though the sexual activity didn’t start until a few hours later. Yes, hours. So technically, he did no wrong.

Reality says otherwise.

Guys, don’t lie to a woman, especially a smart woman who is good at catching men in their lies. You will be caught, and it won’t end well for you. Trying to have your cake and eat it, too, often results in a bad case of food poisoning.


This Week’s Online Dating Bloopers

Online dating requires a lot of patience and fortitude. The vast majority of men on the internet seem not to know how to approach a woman. The following are some of the inane messages I received in the past week; typos are of course courtesy of the original sender. My commentary on each of them follows in brackets. I am in Texas for those who aren’t familiar. I also don’t have a face picture up on any of my dating accounts.

hello princess [He says to me from Washington state. And no, I’m not a princess.]

Hello I hope you are fine,I’m William from Ghana and I will like you to be my friend and I’m falling in love with you [I presume the next message will ask me for my bank account.]

Hello gorgeous my name is Martin,am here looking for serious relationship and you? [He lives 170 miles from me. I’m looking for someone closer to home unless he’s a very good match.]

Hi I’m Aaron. [He’s 10 years under my minimum age range. I never know what to do with meek messages like this.]

Nice boots [Thank you?]

Hey gorgeous [He’s 16 years under my minimum age range and in Canada not to mention the great message.]

I’m not going to say your pretty (because you know that ), but you seem cool !How are you doing? [Really? I have no words. He’s also 325 miles away.]

Hey how are you! I’m bj! I know my age is alarming but please give me a shot. I’m mature guy. Let’s try this out [He’s 13 years under my minimum age range, and I’m not really into guys who describe themselves as “alarming.”]

Hi nice tat [This is from the UK; I responded, “Nice form letter. I have no tattoos visible in my photo.”]

Hi ya [This one was 17 years under my age range and in Tunisia.]

Wow you are gorgeous. Jared here in [redacted]. How are you? Happy New Year! [He got my form response, “You can determine my beauty from a picture of my feet? Nice form letter. Good luck elsewhere.”]

Hi there beautiful,I got your profile
on here and I
thrilled with it hun…..then I was
now wondering if we
could chat and get to know each other
okay……??   [I don’t even know where to start with this. He also got my form letter response, “You can determine my beauty from a picture of my feet? Nice form letter. Good luck elsewhere.”]

And the absolute winner this week… the guy who lied to me about being 58 instead of 60. He gave me enough information in his first few messages that I was able to find out his true age from his registered sex offender record on the web without any problem at all. Sigh.

Be safe out there, folks. The world of online dating is crazy and sometimes dangerous.