Disrespecting Monogamy

I am monogamous. This is as core to me as the facts that I am heterosexual and cisgender. I don’t do multiple romantic relationships at once. I know this about myself, and I know that I need to be partnered with someone who is equally monogamous.

That doesn’t mean I don’t understand non-monogamy. I suspect a very large percentage of the population is naturally non-monogamous just as a large percentage of the population is naturally homosexual and naturally transgender. It’s who we are and how we were born. I respect everyone’s rights to identify as they do and to practice sexuality as they do (as long as everyone can give consent). In return, I expect the same respect for my monogamy, heterosexuality, and gender identity.

Our liberal society often makes jokes about gays trying to convert straights because it is such a huge conservative fear. I often banter with a queer friend of mine because they haven’t managed to convert me after being friends for half of forever. They must not be trying hard enough! I have never had a gay woman try to convert me or even hit on me. It’s a non-issue and a ridiculous fear on the part of conservatives.

Yet despite the respect I experience between those of differing sexual orientations, I don’t experience it from non-monogamous men. It’s something that has gotten ridiculous. I very clearly announce on my dating and Fetlife profiles in capital letters that I am MONOGAMOUS. That seems to challenge non-monogamous men. They interpret that as a “convert me!” request. It’s not. I’m happy as I am.

If I’m willing to respect others’ rights to be non-monogamous, why is it so hard for them to respect my right to be monogamous? I’ve tried a non-monogamous situation (more than once), and it is not for me. I need, want, and crave monogamy. No matter how hard they try, the non-monogamous men are not going to change me on this one. So why can’t they simply respect that?

What bothers me most of all is the number of men lately who have lied to me about their non-monogamy practices despite me being very clear that I don’t engage in non-monogamous relationships. Do they really think that I’m going to stay in a relationship with them when I find out they aren’t being monogamous with me? I won’t. It’s as simple as that.

I’m also befuddled by the men who don’t understand the meaning of monogamy. If you are dating someone else, you can’t be monogamous with me. If you are partnered with someone else, you can’t be monogamous with me even if there’s no sex happening in that other relationship. I don’t just want sexual monogamy. I want romantic monogamy. I want emotional monogamy. I want a one-on-one relationship with one man who wants to be with one woman. Yes, we’ll have friends outside of each other, but we will be each other’s only partner. Why is that so hard to understand? Why is it so challenging to find in the kinky community?

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

“Just Ask Me”

One of my pet peeves is men who don’t fill out their dating profiles or who fill it out with very little information most of which is useless for starting a conversation because it’s so generic or pointless.  They then message me wanting to chat. When I explain to them that they need to complete more of their profile, they almost always reply, “Just ask me.” They also usually include the words, “I’m an open book.”

No. Just no.

If you were an open book, you wouldn’t mind filling out your profile. Instead, you’ve left it empty. This indicates one of two things:

  1. You have something to hide, often a girlfriend, partner or wife, and you don’t want her finding your profile; or more commonly
  2. You’re just too fucking lazy to bother.

If you can’t be bothered to fill out your profile, do I really think you’ll be bothered to expend any effort on me during a relationship? If you can’t be burdened to tell me something about yourself when I point out your sparse profile, do I really think you’ll be an active contributor to the relationship? No, I don’t. I think you want a hole to fuck. You don’t want conversation. You don’t want to enjoy spending time with me outside of sex. You want me to do all the work in the relationship, and you want to reap all the benefits. You just want me to think you are a god and worship your wonderfulness.

So no, I won’t “just ask you.” If you want me, you need to make an effort to show it. It’s not asking too much to expect a man to put this very small amount of effort into wooing a woman. If you can’t do even that, you don’t deserve me. I wasn’t put on this planet to serve you.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Online Dating Bloopers 8

Another week, another set of bizarre propositions and questions from clueless men in the dating world. This week was rather quiet compared to usual. I’m not quite sure why. Perhaps a pre-spring break exodus?

For those who are not familiar, I only have pictures of my feet and legs on dating sites, not my face. I’m also located in Texas.

Just in case anyone wonders or worries, I change names of men who don’t have common names like Joe or John. If someone named Voltron messaged me, I would alter his name to Victor.

**

“Hello” We are not a match, and I don’t respond to notes that are this brief.

“hey there how are you today” He’s a smoker and an hour away.

“Hey there. How’s your Saturday night going??” He’s 14 years under my age range.

“Id love to get to know you darling” He is looking for a 24/7 submissive who would let him control every aspect of her life. Not my cup of tea.

“good evening sweetie let’s chat” I don’t respond to messages that address me by a term of affection. I don’t know this guy from Adam!

“Hi from Scotland” I’m pretty sure the problems are obvious!

“I am matured. 47” He was in India and clearly English is not his first language. This as an opening claim of course makes me suspect that this was not a “matured” person.

“Hi!You seem interesting but I can,t tell what you look like?Do yu have Facebook or phone we can share pics.I have plenty on my phone.Mike.” He lives an hour and a half away and is a smoker. I also don’t appreciate guys who offer more pictures of themselves right away when they have plenty online: That indicates they want to share dick pics that I haven’t requested to see.

“you look amazing!! Lol but I’m sure you already know that I read your profile and honestly I think I have a lot of things you like as in I love to sextext I love to give oral more then I like to receive lol don’t get me wrong I love to receive it but I love to make a women moan and get off that is very sexy to me I feel like a lot of guys my age are just looking for quick sex and don’t enjoy the for play but I’m completely different I live for play it’s very important lol I’m a people pleaser so I’m not an asshole at all and you have a very beautiful body that I would love to explore” This is clearly generic spam. I have nothing about cybersex in my profile. You can’t see my body in the photos. He’s 16 years under my age limit and lives in Illinois.

“Would you like to have dinner tonight????” My response? “No intelligent woman is going to meet with a strange man with no conversation beforehand. You live in a city three hours away. How do you think that we could meet for dinner tonight?”

Hi.. Do you like have sex online?” This from a guy in Turkey. Nope, I didn’t have cybersex with him. I blocked him.

“Good morning” His profile reads, “Hoping to find a woman who is not hung up on relationships.” He’s married. The first line of my profile says, “Please note: You MUST be truly single/divorced/widowed for me to be interested in you.” Want to bet he didn’t bother to read my profile? My response to him: “Clearly I am ‘hung up’ on relationships, and clearly you did not bother to read my profile. That or you have balls and an ego the size of New Jersey.”

“Hi! My name is Roy 🙂
[30 minutes later] I like your boots
[30 minutes later] I wish they were off though
[15 minutes later] Actually I wish they were under my bed ‘-) “
And at that point, I hit the block button. He is from California, so my boots were not going to be coming off under his bed regardless of anything else, but we definitely weren’t a match.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Does Cybersex “Count”?

In my book, any encounter that includes genital contact and pleasure is sex. Thus, despite Bill Clinton’s protests, I believe he did have sexual relations with his intern. Oral, anal, vaginal, hand jobs, genital toys… all are definitely sex in my opinion.

So that leaves the question about cybersex. Is it sex? Does it count? When you number the partners that you’ve had, do you count cybersex partners into that number?

I’ve never counted my cybersex partners in my tally of sexual partners. There’s no STI risk. There’s no touch between us, though we certainly are touching ourselves. Sometimes (often) I don’t even know the man’s full name.

Yet part of me thinks about these men when I think about my sexual experiences. There’s something that happens during cybersex for me. I develop some kind of bond with the partner. It’s nowhere near as strong as the bond that happens during physical sex, but still, there’s something there.

Likewise, cybersex can be as good or as bad as in-person sex. A partner may or may not work well for me. Sometimes cybersex leads to in-person sex. Other times it teaches us that we aren’t great partners for each other.

A prior in-person sex partner of mine wanted to continue to have cybersex with other women while we were dating. I was mortified. I didn’t consider that a part of monogamy. To me, if he was having cybersex with other women, he was cheating on me. So in that sense, I certainly was counting cybersex as sex.

So does cybersex count? I still don’t know. In some ways it does, and in other ways it doesn’t. I don’t think most people today count cybersex as sex, but I wonder if future generations will include cybersex partners in their partner tally. “The times, they are a-changin’.”

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Coping with the Lies

When I broke up with one of my past sexual partners, it was not the friendly breakup I had hoped for with him. We both knew the relationship was not going to last long because there were too many differences between us. However, we liked each other and had a good time together both in and out of bed. We decided to spend time together while things worked, and when they quit working, we’d break up amicably.

Unfortunately, he began lying to me before, during and after the breakup. Some of them were little things that didn’t matter. Others were much larger including the fact that he had started wooing his next lover while we were dating monogamously though he hadn’t had sex yet with her before our breakup. To me, though, lies are lies. Avoiding the truth is no better than a lie; in my book, they’re the opposite sides of the same coin. When I figure out people are lying to me or hiding the truth from me, I lose all respect for them. It kills the trust I have for them and ultimately destroys our relationship.

One of the bigger lies this lover told me was that he didn’t have a choking fetish. In my opinion, choking is not SSC, and it’s not something I’m even remotely willing to entertain. This is a fact that I shared clearly with this lover beginning with the very first online conversation we had. At that time, he told me that it wasn’t something he was into, but rather it was something he had just done before because two past partners of his were into it. He claimed he had to be convinced to do it but wasn’t comfortable with it.

For me, I don’t even like having my partner’s hand on the front of my throat, something I also made clear to this lover once we were involved. However, time and again my lover would try to put his hand on the front of my throat. I would remove it and redirect it to the back of my neck, reminding him I wasn’t comfortable with his actions. Despite my protests, it didn’t stop him from trying to put his hand there repeatedly. He gave me the excuse (or in other terms, the lie), “I just think a man putting his hand on the front of a woman’s neck is incredibly sexy.” Yet when we broke up, I spent some time perusing Tumblr account. There for anyone to see was photo after photo of men choking women during sex. Clearly it wasn’t just a fetish of his past partners, but he couldn’t own up to his own desires. Rather, he felt it was necessary to lie to me about his desires that were in conflict with my hard limits.

Because I live in a smaller town, I ran into another ex-lover of my ex-lover one day while out and about. I asked her to help explain this guy to me because weeks after our breakup I still hadn’t been able to understand him completely. I needed to understand why he treated me the way he did and why he lied to me the way he did. She told me that his underlying character flaw was that he was always the victim in his mind: Nothing would ever be his fault. Given that I had been married to a man for more than ten years who also loved to play the victim, I was surprised I hadn’t seen that commonality.

However, when I stopped and thought about it, I realized that her explanation made sense. Every lie he told me was one to defer the blame from himself. He couldn’t be responsible enough to own up to his own behavior. To me, that’s a major sign of immaturity. Even when he violated my hard limits, it was something he tried to excuse or blame on others. That’s just not ok. Even though I had hoped that this former lover and I would stay friends after our break up, that was no longer an option for me when I realized I couldn’t trust him anymore. The truth matters an awful lot to me, and he had shown it wasn’t as important to him.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Online Dating Bloopers 7

Another week, another set of inane messages from clueless men in the dating world. This week I got two of the best WTF messages I have ever gotten.

For those who are not familiar, I only have pictures of my feet and legs on dating sites, not my face. I’m also located in Texas.

Just in case anyone wonders or worries, I change names of men who don’t have common names like Joe or John. If someone named Voltron messaged me, I would alter his name to Victor.

 

First, we have the generic greetings:

“Hi how’s it going? It’s really nice to meet you” He is seven years under my age range, and we haven’t met.

“Hey, how are you doing tonight?” He’s eight years under my age range.

“Hi” He’s local but not a good match.

“Hello” He lives over an hour away and is not a match.

“Hi” He is local but not at all a match.

“Hey there!” He lives three hours away.

“Hello,how is your day going ?” He is nine years under my age range.

“Hello how are you doing pretty” Ugh. Just ugh. He’s also looking to have kids. I’m not. Dealbreaker.

 

Then we have the guys who put a little more effort into their messages:

“Hi I’m Aaron.”
[18 hours later] “What’s your name?” He’s not a match at all.

“Hi sure would be nice to see what you look like hon” He’s not a match at all.

“Message with me.” Um, pretty please? I don’t respond to demands.

“Tattoos? Baller!” He smokes. I have no visible tattoos in my photos. This is guy #4 to make this mistake.

“Well hello sexy leg 🙂
How are you this beautiful morning ?” He’s local and the right age but not a match.

“Hi how you doing
Can we chat?” He’s in South Africa.

“hi…would you chat a bit?
– skype: [redacted]
Best Regards,
Albert” He’s in Holland.

“Hi!You seem interesting but I can,t tell what you look like?Do yu have Facebook or phone we can share pics.I have plenty on my phone.Mike.” He’s an hour and a half away and he smokes.

“Hello Beautiful, How are going today? it will be nice to chat if you feel we might be compatible.” He’s in Oklahoma.

 

There are the generic formula message guys:

“Hello beautiful………you have an interesting profile…….would like us to know each other……and get along….I hope to receive a reply from you soon” This oddly came from a man in the city where I grew up in another state! However, he’s not a good match even if he was local.

“Hello good looking…you seems so cool to talk with…how are you doing?im Matt and you?” He’s in Arkansas and not a good match.

“Hello sweetie , I went through your profile and I must say you’re cool, I would like us to get to know better and see wher it leads if you don’t mind” He’s local and not a good match.

Check out all three messages from a linguistic stance. They all are virtually the same. Term of affection, generic compliment, and then request to message. Get creative guys, and show me you actually read my profile!

 

We have a group of spamming ramblers this week:

“Hello,
Well, I know you must have received about 20 emails like this everyday, so I have been thinking really hard about how to make mine stand out. I think your profile makes you worth emailing,and i really enjoyed reading what you wrote.I thought we may share some similar interests and I would love to learn more about you. I’m peter, I am a very sensual, sexual and passionate man. I love life and see the glass half full. I am always mesmerized by the ocean and want the person I am with to feel a connection also. I love to be fun and spontaneous and enjoy each day finding something joyful to smile about? Drop me a line and we can go from there..kindly get back to me telling me a bit about yourself ok. Enjoy your day and I look forward to hearing from you!
George.”
Seriously? This long essay is very generic. There’s nothing in it that says anything that shows me he read my profile. And if he’d like to know something about me, read my frickin’ profile.

“Not only are you very nice looking. I love how well you express yourself.
As you can probably can tell, I have a real hard on for you baby. Let me give you a little back ground on me. You can ask me any thing else you wish to feel the gaps.
My name is Jorge from [redacted]. I am a 20 year [military] veteran. I married a wonderful lady from the [redacted] area. We were married for [redacted] exciting years but she went home be with God [redacted] years ago. She was the best thing that ever happen in my life and the worst when she passed away. Since then I have just been trying to find my way and still enjoy life. That’s why I am on this site. To meet interesting people like you.”
He lives two hours away from me and is five years over my dating age range. He also is sending generic spam because he can’t see my face in this picture!

“Hey, Very sexy pictures! ! I’m a single bi oral Bottom on here looking to meet a women to join me in finding and pleasuring a man. In hope that you are interested. Feel free to ask any questions that you may have”
I only have one picture of my feet. This is spam. I’m a sub, so a bottom is not going to pair well with me. He’s also an hour away from me without traffic.

 

We have several WTF contenders who might have made the cut for finalists if this hadn’t been an exciting week:

“Hi
I’ve always liked visiting [your town].
So you have pretty feet…
Do you like to paint your toenails?”
He’s in North Carolina. He can’t see my feet in this photo. And since when is it appropriate to ask someone about their grooming habits in an introductory message?

“OMG would you be turned on if I used a few toys? Some silk scarves, nipple suction cups.”
He lives an hour away from me, but this is not how to get my attention. My response? “OMG. This is not the way to get my interest. http://www.woodleatherlace.com/2016/10/19/attracting-an-intelligent-woman/”

 

And then we have two winners for the worst messages of the week:

“Which are you, deaf or mute?”
I was flabbergasted by this question. I replied, “That is honestly the rudest and most bizarre question I’ve ever received on here. I don’t know what prompted you to ask that, but I’m neither. I’d logically have ASL listed in my languages if I was either. Please learn some tact and respect around disability issues.”

“Would you like to help me find out if my surgery for infertility worked?”
I had no idea what to think of this. Does this mean he wants to knock me up? I was discussing this with a male friend. He suggested maybe it was a vasectomy, and I can see how one might think that. However, I think he’s still suggesting, “Let’s have sex and see if you end up pregnant!” No thank you!

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

My Favorite New Toy

71ubdc5-rvl-_sx522_(This is not a compensated ad. It’s just me expressing my pleasure and joy!)

When Hitachi finally made their Magic Wand with a silicone head plus a cord-free option, I decided it was time to invest. In the post-divorce world, my sex life wasn’t going great, and I wanted something that was less work than my old favorite vibrator. When I got my Magic Wand, I was certain I had found heaven. All of my partners who have played with it on me have quickly given up on the other vibrators I have and go straight for “the jackhammer.” It packs a punch, and it gets me off very quickly.

One of my former partners asked me if I had an attachment for the wand. I had no idea there was such a thing! While I think he was less than subtly trying to get me to buy one of the penis-friendly attachments like the Hummingbird Wand Essentials Masturbator Attachment, I ignored his requests until after we broke up. I then invested in the Wand Essentials Fluttering Kiss Dual Stimulation Silicone Wand Massager Attachment.

OMFG.

I didn’t think the Magic Wand could get much better, but the Fluttering Kiss attachment is AMAZING. It gives me the best orgasms I’ve ever had with a mechanical device. They’re still not the same as the ones I have with real live partners, but they’re closer than before. I end up squirting everywhere with them and needing a shower afterward. That counts as a good thing in my book!

The Fluttering Kiss attachment isn’t perfect. For my body, I’d like something that’s a cross between it and the Wand Essentials Euphoria G-spot and Clit Stimulating Silicone Wand Massager Attachment (which is the next toy on my “to buy” list). I’d like something that was angled toward my clit in a different way, but I haven’t seen anything exactly like what I want. Still, I’m incredibly happy with my new toy and plan to enjoy having many orgasms with it when I am without a partner.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com