I grew up in a Catholic home where masturbation was considered very sinful and wrong. It was considered downright dangerous– the cause of physical infection. I grew up being afraid to touch myself. Once I was sexually active in college, I finally overcame that fear of touching myself. I realized that if my partner touching me with his hands and his cock wasn’t dangerous and wasn’t causing infections, then me touching myself with my own hands wasn’t going to be dangerous either. I did some emotional work to heal the damage that my Catholic upbringing had done, and then I began masturbating without shame or fear.
Yet throughout my marriage and since my divorce, masturbating has been a chore. It’s something I do because I have to release the sexual frustration and tension in my body. It’s no different than eating or drinking or shitting. It’s something my body requires. However, it’s not something I enjoy. Yes, I do get pleasure and relaxation from masturbating. I can make myself squirt. I usually have multiple orgasms. And still, it’s completely empty. It’s not fun. It’s just masturbating. It’s a chore.
I’m not sure why masturbating is not much fun for me. Part of it has to do with my ex-husband having a masturbation fetish. He was far more interested in me masturbating than in me having sex with him. That just hurt. I wanted to be in a relationship with a man who wanted to have sex with me, not a man who wanted to get off masturbating while thinking about me having sex on my own rather than actually having sex with me.
I think some of it may be related to my love language, too. If you aren’t familiar with the Five Love Languages, I highly recommend learning about them. I wish my ex-husband and I had known about them much sooner. I doubt it would have saved the marriage, but maybe we would have understood each other better. My love language is physical touch. I need to be touched by someone else to feel loved by them. When I’m masturbating, I’m not being touched by anyone else. I’m very much alone. That’s just not as enjoyable for me.
The best analogy I can give about masturbation for me is that it’s like eating when you have a really bad cold. Nothing tastes right, if you can taste it at all. You’re often not really hungry, but you know you need to eat to keep your strength up. Eating is just something you do to survive. That’s how masturbating is for me most of the time. I don’t really want to take the time and make the effort to do it, but I know my body is filled with sexual tension that I have no other outlet for. So when it gets too bad to tolerate, my Magic Wand and I take care of business.
When I am lucky enough to have a partner, we tend to have sex at every opportunity. I like sex a lot. Every other day is a minimum for me. But with masturbating when I’m single? Once a month is usually enough. If I am getting wild and crazy, twice a month will happen. What is odd is that I masturbate more when I have a partner. Then it’s more like once or twice a week. Sex begets more sex? I don’t know. I don’t mind masturbation as much when I’m with a partner since I know that I’ll be having sex with him soon enough, and I’m usually thinking about him or sexting with him while I am masturbating. But on my own, it just seems pathetic and sad. Solo masturbation is not the joyous experience I wish it was.
I struggle often
there are so many lonely people
when I have so much love to give.
Why is my love not good enough for men?
Why does my body fat make me unqualified
to give and receive love?
What makes men so self-absorbed
that they think that women are only loveable
if they wear a size two?
What does my dress size have to do
with the size of my heart?
Why is love only desirable
when it comes from a skinny body?
Somehow, the math just doesn’t add up.
And loneliness abounds
while I drown in my own love.
I have been asked about the various dating sites I’ve been on in the past. I’m reviewing them in relative order of usefulness. I was looking for a man who was around 35-55, intelligent (which has included the range from GED to PhD), liberal, kinky, monogamous and a switch/dominant. I don’t match well with highly religious people either. Race, size, appearance– all of those are irrelevant to me.
Fetlife.com: Fetlife says over and over again that it’s not a dating site, yet a very large percentage of people on Fetlife are looking for sexual partners, either short-term or long-term. Fetlife was one of the most productive places for me when I was looking for partners. There are still some horribly slimy, nasty men on there, but I also found quite a few really nice guys. The friend who convinced me to join told me I would find more fat-accepting men on there. Yes and no. There was definitely a lot more acceptance about people being different, but there was still outright fat prejudice on there. Almost all of Fetlife can be used for free which is a major bonus. Most major cities have personals boards (or sometimes multiple boards) to post ads looking for a partner.
AdultFriendFinder.com: Yes, really! I had billing issues with them, so they lose major points for that, but as a woman, AFF was a goldmine. I’ve seen the ratio estimated as 12:1 or 16:1 men:women depending on the market you’re in. I definitely found that to be true. Men are so used to spambots on there that they are shocked when they find a real live woman who isn’t charging for sex. I found some sizeist men on there, but most of the men were so desperate for sex they didn’t care about body size. They were also willing to compromise on things that guys on other sites weren’t open to compromising on. I actually found some great men on there. One downside is that half the men use a dick pic for their profile picture which gets really old really fast. There is a filter to allow you to block some or all nudity, though, something I actually did because I got so tired of seeing dick pics everytime I logged in. If you want to message with someone, you really do need to upgrade to their paid plan, and then they start with annoying pop-ups to get you to renew beginning the day after you joined!
OkCupid.com: This is the most popular mainstream dating site in my area. I talked with a lot of men on OKC, but more often than not, I ran into fat prejudice among those local men I talked to. Men who were in other parts of the country were often less prejudiced, though I certainly encountered prejudice anywhere I looked. Every single man I dated over the past few years had an active profile on OKC whether I met him on that site or not. I have very mixed feelings about OKC because it really is the lifeblood of online dating in my area, but I also had less success here than other places. There are also a lot of really awful guys here because it’s possible to use all the important features of the site without paying, but I found as a woman I liked having some of its features to block out some of the crap on the site. The majority of my dating bloopers came from OKC because so many of the men were of low quality.
DatingKinky.com: This was a newcomer to the online dating market in the past year, looking to fulfill the needs that Fetlife didn’t quite meet. It was dealing with growing pains from being so new. The owner of the site was very receptive to talking to members, and she was working hard on upgrades. However, I ran out of patience with men who were less than desirable. The local market was very limited, and I was tired of seeing the picture of one of my exes since I couldn’t hide his picture at that time (though they were working on adding that feature). The paid version wasn’t in existence yet, but the trial version of the paid version didn’t really add enough filters to the messaging that I wanted. I got tired of 18 year olds from Nebraska wanting to sext with me!
Match.com: If you talk about the struggles of online dating in the modern era with a married person, they will without doubt ask if you’ve tried Match. At that point, I ask A) if they’ve tried Match and B) what year it was when they tried Match? Most of them say they’ve never been on it, but they’ve heard it’s a great dating site and their third cousin twice removed found her husband on Match about ten years ago. Match may have once been the leader in online dating, and it may still be great in some markets, but in my area, Match is dead. You have to pay to use the site’s messaging features. However, men do not message on Match as demonstrated by the fact that I had absolutely zero men message me on Match in six months. I messaged men and got very few results. I never got past one or two messages with any particular man. Half of the men on Match are also on OKC. The financial requirement to message means that most of the men are more career-oriented men, and that removes some of the scuzziness of other sites. However, for me, Match was a huge waste of money.
Chemistry.com: This is a sister site of Match.com. I hated it with a passion. I think it was designed for cell phones, and I was using it on a desktop. It seemed like it was structured around random algorithms and hookups. Most of the men seemed to be much younger. I felt like the old fogy who didn’t belong, and I quickly got off of it.
Conscious Dating Network: The Conscious Dating Network is a group of sites which all share the same database. Most of the sites are all aimed at the more natural living, liberal leaning, spiritual but not religious people. The sites in the network include Spiritual Singles, Planet Earth Singles, Natural Awakenings Singles, and many more. However, some of the sites have nothing to do with those qualities. People can buy a site using their own web domain, and by giving the Conscious Dating Network part of their profits, they share the database, thus being able to increase the numbers on their niche dating market. It’s a model I’m not fond of, but I see why it makes sense from a money and marketing point of view. Unfortunately, one of the sites in the network was one in India, so I would get messages from a lot of men in India who had no intention of moving to the US (and I am not moving to India). As with many of the other smaller sites, most of these men were on OKCupid, and many I already knew in real life. Many were looking for tantric flings or polyamorous lovers. There were a lot of very big egos on the site. They weren’t my type.
eHarmony.com: Um, yeah. This name will come up, but it’s one I avoided. eHarmony has a screening process to become a member of their site. Anyone I knew who is similar to me who had applied had been rejected because they weren’t mainstream enough, normal enough or good enough looking. I decided I didn’t need rejection from a dating site on top of rejection from men on dating sites. Besides, I wasn’t interested in eHarmony’s process of matching people up rather than letting people have access to their whole database. There’s something that chemistry determines that a database can never calculate. I skipped this site completely.
POF.com: <<<shudder>>> This is one of the grosser dating sites for the local area. Because one can use it without paying, the population leans toward the lowest common denominator. I was totally unimpressed by the men of this site. Dysfunctional seems to be a polite word to sum them up.
DharmaMatch.com: This is a very minor site and I wouldn’t mention it at all except I want to put my opinion out there since I couldn’t find many honest reviews about it when I Googled. This site is a zombie. It’s alive but it’s very much dead. The code works. You can register. You can pay. But no one checks it out. In a full month on the site, not one single person checked out my profile. I made the mistake of paying $20 for a one month subscription (which I canceled immediately so there would be no further autobilling) to message the one guy out of 15 local guys who had a lot in common with me. He never checked his messages or even logged on in that month because there are no push notifications for this site. I messaged the help link on the site to ask about the lack of inactivity and I never heard back. Don’t waste your time or money with this one.
Tinder.com: Ha! Did I mention I was fat and ugly? I wasn’t looking for a one night stand, either. I knew that on a site where appearance is everything that I didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell. This is one site I never ventured onto.
BBWPersonalsPlus: Given that I knew I wasn’t going to find a man on Tinder, I decided to try a site for men who liked plus-sized women. I lasted only a few days on this site. Unfortunately, the majority of men who like plus-sized men tend to be less literate and less educated than the population of men I am attracted to. After way too many messages that seemed as though the users had never taken a spelling or grammar class, I ran for the hills.
The woman on the radio sings,
“I will remember you.
Will you remember me?”
I ask myself the same question.
Do you remember me?
Do you still think of me?
I think of you daily,
often multiple times a day.
I don’t want to,
but you won’t leave my mind.
I see random things that remind me of you.
I go to our special places and think of you.
I drive by restaurants we went to together and think of you.
I wonder if you think about me,
but I’m guessing you’ve found a way
to shove me to the dark recesses of your mind
where you’d rather I stay.
Most men seem pretty good at that.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never hear from you again.
I’m as ok with that as I can be.
It still hurts like hell,
but I know eventually that pain will fade.
Our love ended because you couldn’t see me.
You couldn’t see the amazing woman that I am.
I could see you in all of your brilliance,
but you cannot see yourself.
You struggle to love yourself.
You don’t know how powerful you are.
Until you learn how to love yourself
you won’t be able to love others
in the way that I loved you.
You said to me on my birthday,
“The right person at the wrong time
is still the wrong person.”
How bitterly prophetic those words were.
You are the right person
but we are on different times.
In five years, you will be absolutely perfect
for the me of today,
but in five years,
I will be a completely different person.
The timing is just wrong.
I wish so much that our love ended differently.
I wish you were still my friend.
I wish that we could still share those intimate moments,
the ones that made me fall for you in the first place.
I still remember you.
Do you remember me?
In the world of BDSM, hard limits are the things that you absolutely will not do. Hard limits vary from person to person. For instance, I’ve mentioned before that choking is a hard limit of mine. I refuse to engage in any kind of sexual asphyxiation activities, though for many others these are some of their favorite activities. In contrast, I love anal sex and am happy to engage in it, both giving and receiving. For the majority of women, anal sex is a hard limit.
When a former partner of mine violated my hard limits in multiple kinky ways, I was initially in shock. I didn’t understand how this man I trusted could do these things to me. He was a loving person toward me, so what was causing him to treat me with so little respect? When I asked him, he couldn’t explain it to me. I have since theorized that he has a fetish of violating women’s hard limits that stems back to his incredibly toxic relationship with his mother who violated his limits repeatedly. Perhaps his subconscious is taking it out on the women he dates since he doesn’t see a therapist to work on his major issues with his mother. Regardless of why he did it, though, this past partner violated my limits, and he knew what he had done was wrong in the aftermath.
The bottom line is that violating hard limits is sexual abuse. This is not something I’ve often seen explicitly expressed in the writing around hard limits that I’ve read. I’m sure it’s in part because the BDSM community is loath to associate anything they do with abuse. The vanilla world already struggles to understand how kinky people can enjoy things like spanking and bondage and how those things can be consensual and enjoyable.
Yet violation of hard limits is something that can happen in vanilla sex as well as kinky sex. The violations that this partner did to me were well within the kinky range, but I have had another past partner who violated my limits in very vanilla ways. When I told that man no, he would try the forbidden activity anyway because he didn’t really respect my feelings about it. He didn’t see why that activity was a problem for me, and his narcissism kept him from caring when his orgasm was his ultimate goal at that point.
Whether it’s done in a kinky situation or a vanilla one, violating someone’s hard limits is absolutely not ok. No means no. Yes means yes, and a yes should be given enthusiastically—a “fuck yes!” to any mutually agreed upon activity. When a partner crosses those limits, sexual abuse happens. Sexual abuse is NEVER ok. It doesn’t matter what the sexual abuse looks like. It’s a very clear violation of that person’s rights.
If a partner ever violates your hard limits, talk about it with the partner if it was a minor violation that might have come from a miscommunication. We’re all human, and mistakes do happen in the passion of the moment in sexual acts. However, if violations happen repeatedly, that’s not an accident. That’s sexual abuse. At that point, it’s time to leave the relationship if it is just a casual dating one. If it’s a marriage or committed relationship, a therapist is mandated at that point if you don’t choose to end things without further outside help. Regardless, drastic action needs to happen because sexual abuse is never ok.
I pray often for the new partner of the man who repeatedly violated my kinky limits. He says he has learned from what he did to me and has changed. Those are famous last words. Sometimes they are true. Often they are not. However, his new partner is very young—barely legal—and I know she isn’t going to have the strength to leave him if he starts sexually abusing her the way he did to me. I didn’t have the strength to leave the man who would sexually abuse me within the context of our consensual sexual relationship when I was her age. I didn’t even understand that what he was doing was abuse. Now, I’m clear on it, and no man will treat me that way again.
is sacred to me.
I crave it more
than any other touch.
It’s been ages since I’ve been kissed.
I fantasize daily
about the man of my dreams
showing up in my life
and kissing me passionately.
He shows no hesitation.
He knows he wants me.
His lips reach for mine
desperate to connect on the same
yet spiritual level.
Our hearts race
as our lips touch
our touches caress
our caresses stimulate
our stimulation satisfies.
We smile as we break away
looking in each other’s eyes
knowing how much more there is to come.
Kissing is such a strange concept.
If we were to see
two squirrels in the park
locking lips and
shoving their tongues
in each other’s mouths,
we’d think they were crazy.
Yet watching two humans
gazing into each other’s eyes
touching each other’s faces
leaning in and brushing their lips against
the other’s willing lips.
Slowly their lips part,
tongues tentatively touching,
desire building and growing,
passion developing with every passing second.
It’s highly erotic.
It’s sexy beyond words.
It speaks to our deepest desires.
I miss that touch,
I crave a man wanting me
lusting after me
Three months ago if you had asked me what my primary fetish was, it would unquestionably have been sexual spanking. I loved to be spanked during sex. Spanking was something I didn’t get during the majority of my late marriage, and it was something I was unwilling to consider omitting from any future relationships.
Now? Something changed. I’m really not sure what or why, but something happened. Now when I turn to SpankingTube or any of my other favorite porn haunts, I am disgusted by what I see. What once was arousing now is anything but. It just doesn’t work for me at all.
My sex drive isn’t gone—not at all. I’m still craving sex all the time. But now instead of getting off to fantasies of sexual spanking, it’s fantasies of oral, anal, and vaginal sex– mostly rather vanilla sex at that. The sex is filled with romance and passion. There’s often role play and sometimes a little mild bondage, but overall, kink is pretty missing from it compared to what I used to crave.
I’m not sure where my spanking mojo went. I have no idea if it will come back. Perhaps it was the most recent partner I had who was relatively vanilla. Maybe he rubbed off on me. However, if that was true, you’d think that ten plus years of being married to a purely vanilla man would have converted me completely. And really, the disappearance of my spanking mojo started before this guy even showed up in my life.
The glimmer of hope that I see is that I’m still having spanking dreams. Last night it was three students (two male, one female) being disciplined by a nun for their uniforms not meeting standards. The students were cinched up in a restraining device and spanking machine that would never work in real life, but it was administering wooden hairbrush spankings in my dream as the nun and others watched.
So I don’t know. For now, though, I am going to go with what makes me happy. Isn’t that what sex and fantasies are about anyway? Finding pleasure? If spanking ever works its way back into my kinky world, then great. And if not, I guess I’ll be exploring my sexuality in different ways for the time being.