Online Dating Bloopers 10

Another set of inane messages from clueless men in the dating world. This is from across several weeks as I turned off my dating apps for a while. I also deleted two of my dating accounts because I was tired of receiving messages from men who were nothing like what I was looking for on those particular sites. Thus, the number of messages has dropped significantly.

For those who are not familiar, I only have pictures of my feet and legs on dating sites, not my face. I’m also located in Texas.

Just in case anyone wonders or worries, I change names of men who don’t have common names like Joe or John. If someone named Voltron messaged me, I would alter his name to Victor.

**

“You must get a lot of attention, don’t you?” He’s from NYC. This feels like a creative but generic phrase to get women’s attention!

“Hi I’m Alex, how are you doing today? you look good and i’d love to know you. xo” He’s from Louisiana. I’m not sure what looks so good about my legs. I’m also not into hugs and kisses from a man whom I’m “meeting” online. We’re not a match, either.

“Hi, how are you? If you are willing to trust in a person when all others tell you to go against it, if you are willing to risk getting your heart broken because you believe in that other person, Then that is true love..How I wish to get close to you and know you better.. I will like to hear from you as soon as possible” He’s from New York, and this is really utter nonsense as far as an introductory message goes.

“I would like to ask you a question it might sound stupid but I would love to hear your answer, if you get to choose between love and money what you would you choose?” He’s a bit under my target age range, and he’s in New York. This is also an intelligent generic spam message. He does get credit for being more creative than most men, though!

“Why don’t you have a face pic?” This guy was local but not a match, so I sent him my goblin kingdom response and hit the block button.

“Hello
How are you doing today?
I like your profile,
You are very attractive !
Sam”  This same guy has spammed me from another account. He claims to both be a doctor for Doctors without Borders and a caregiver for someone with a disability. I’m guessing only one of those is true, if that.

“Hey there. Saw ur profile.
I’m in town on business all of next week.
Would love to chat. Maybe grab a drink if we click.
Let me know if your interested
Hope to hear from you
Cheers!” Clearly he didn’t read my profile. I’m not looking for hookups with out of town guys (in this case, Chicago). I also have a thing about being attracted to men who know how to use your and you’re properly. “Ur” is not a word!

“Hi. Did you flag my pic? Lol” First of all, lol is not a punctuation mark or the way to end any sentence. Second, yes, I did flag your picture. You are not the San Antonio Spurs. I’m certain of it.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Disappeared Stories

Yesterday I removed five ageplay stories from my archives. It was a decision that I took several months to make, but ultimately I felt I couldn’t leave them up even though I loved them and had put a lot of work into them.

The man I wrote those stories for is someone I only dated for a short period of time. Since our breakup, I’ve become more aware of his predilections, things I didn’t want to see while we were dating. I’m someone who is very open-minded about accepting everyone’s kinks and fetishes as long as all involved can give consent. Some of this man’s desires violate consent of others.

Because of that, I’ve removed the stories I wrote for him. I don’t in any way want to contribute to his or others’ similar fetishes and desires which involve non-consent.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

On Bisexuality

Our experiences in life often seem to come in waves with similar themes. For me, the most recent theme in my online dating experiences have revolved around men who are bisexual but unable to admit it.

I’m heterosexual. I am still looking for a gay bone in my body. I would love to be bisexual or pansexual so that I could widen my dating pool, but I’ve never felt a sexual attraction to someone who isn’t a heterosexual masculine cisman. However, I’d bet that 75+% of my female friends are bisexual. Most are not afraid to admit it. They range in how bisexual they are from being attracted to other women but never having acted on it to actually having had sexual relationships with other women. In the liberal parts of our society, female bisexuality is seen as an acceptable thing; however, I also recognize that bisexual women are often seen as “confused” by parts of our society and are left out of the queer community in other parts. I think the common male fantasy of having a threesome with two women helps fuels this acceptance of bisexuality among women.

Male bisexuality doesn’t receive that same acceptance in our greatly confused culture. Men are supposed to be manly men who desire women. Women are supposed to have low sex drives, and they aren’t supposed to have threesome fantasies involving two men. Threesome fantasies are reserved for horny men, and they are supposed to be made up of two women and a man. Despite these incorrect ideas, male bisexuality is a reality. I have no idea how common it is, though I suspect far more men are bisexual than will admit.

In my first encounter online recently, I was approached by a man who considers himself to be straight and in terms of kink identifies as a switch. We began talking about common fetishes, and eventually he started sharing one of his recent sexual experiences with me in which he was the submissive. The experience was one that involved two major fetishes of his that are actually turn-offs for me, but that didn’t stop him from sharing the experience with me. He really wasn’t interested in turning me on; he just wanted to get himself off by telling me about what turns him on. It’s the kind of thing that is a red flag that he would probably not be a great lover.

The more this guy talked about his recent experience, I was able to discern that it was a man he had been with, not a woman. I began probing for more information, and it turned out that 25% of his sexual experiences had been with men! At that point, I don’t think one can truly identify as straight. However, since the sexual experiences “only” involved hand jobs and blowjobs with no anal penetration, the man I was messaging didn’t consider them to be “real” sexual experiences with men. By lying to himself in this way, he could continue his delusion that he was straight rather than facing up to his own sexual desires.

This wasn’t the first guy I’d encountered who was lying to himself about being straight. A few years ago, I messaged with a man who wanted to talk with me about a sexual experience he’d had. The threesome consisted of his ex-girlfriend, her current boyfriend, and him. This guy was particularly turned on by the fact that the other man was of a different race than he was. As he told me the story, he insisted he was straight, but given that this was the sexual experience of his that he chose to relate in great detail while messaging with me, I wasn’t necessarily convinced.

Another guy I ran into recently on the internet was at least able to label himself bi-curious. However, I think he had long since passed the bi-curious phase. He’d had many casual sex experiences with men. Like the other men I’d messaged with previously, he just wanted to tell me about his last sexual experience with another man in which he served as the bottom. Given that I’m a sub looking for a Dom, it wasn’t a story that would really turn me on so this man wasn’t thinking about his audience. Again, this was a red flag for me that this wasn’t really a guy I would be interested in having a relationship with.

Eventually this man opened up and said that he was looking for a long term relationship with a woman but he also wanted to have a friends with benefits relationship with a man who “really got him.” To me, that very clearly said that this man was preferring homosexual encounters but was too afraid to admit that to the rest of the world. He wanted to have a woman on his arm to “prove” that he was straight while having a male lover in secret. Furthermore, he wasn’t clear on the fact that I’m monogamous seeking a long term relationship that might lead to marriage, and I didn’t want to be his beard.

I don’t have a problem with bisexuality. I’d happily date a bisexual man who was willing to be monogamous with a woman. I wouldn’t mind watching gay porn with him. However, I don’t want to be with a man who can’t admit his own sexuality to himself nonetheless to me. It’s important to me that my partner know whom he is or be actively working on discovering his sexual identity. Denial is not part of that equation.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Talking Sexy

For me, verbal communication is a huge part of sexual arousal. I need my partner to talk to me. I want him to tell me what he is doing to me. I want him to tell me what he is feeling. I want him to tell me what he is going to do to me. I want him to tell me how good or fun or pleasurable the whole event was once it all is over.

When I was married, my now ex-husband and I had what I call “silent sex.” There was very little talking. There was very little verbal communication. There were a few words here and there like “are you in yet?” There was nothing like “I want you” or “your breasts are so sexy to me” or “put my cock in your mouth” or “kiss my neck.” There definitely wasn’t anything like “fuck my pussy” or “take it the ass, woman.” Instead, there was mostly a horrible silence.

That didn’t work for me. At all. I eventually figured out via the internet and watching porn and reading erotic fiction that the silence was helping to kill my libido. I needed that verbal communication to get aroused. Once I figured that out, I started communicating more, and eventually, I got a little more verbal stimulation from my ex-husband, but mostly I still got silence.

When moving on to other men after the marriage, one of the best things was the “dirty talk.” I finally had men telling me exactly what I needed to hear. They didn’t even need to touch me and yet they would have my pussy dripping with desire simply through their words.

However, I take issue with the term “talking dirty.” I don’t like it at all. To me, there is nothing dirty about sex. Ok, well, yes, sex is sticky, sweaty, gooey and messy. But it’s not dirty. Dirty has the connotation of being shameful, bad or wrong, and if everyone involved is consenting, then sex is not dirty. It’s a wonderful thing. Sex is pleasurable, it’s orgasmic, and it’s amazing. Sex is one of the best parts of life if it’s done right. The last thing sex should ever be is something shameful, bad or wrong. Sex should be glorified, not demeaned.

Hence, I prefer the term “talking sexy.” I want my partner to talk sexy to me. I want him to tell me in vivid, descriptive language how much he wants to share my body. I need to communicate with him how much his body and mind are desiring me. I am aroused by letting him know he is sexy and the center of my universe in these moments we are sharing. I want nothing more than to give him pleasure and to receive the same in return from him.

I believe language is powerful, and I believe the language we use shapes how we view our worlds. I think that the term “talking sexy” better reflects a positive view of sex, one that I hope will eventually be the common one in the world. Until then, my partners and I will be enjoying saying all kinds of vividly explicit phrases to each other while we are “talking sexy” to each other.

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Online Dating Bloopers 9

Another week, another set of inane messages from clueless men in the dating world. This week was rather quiet compared to usual, but the messages were fairly creative.

For those who are not familiar, I only have pictures of my feet and legs on dating sites, not my face. I’m also located in Texas.

Just in case anyone wonders or worries, I change names of men who don’t have common names like Joe or John. If someone named Voltron messaged me, I would alter his name to Victor.

**

First, some of the generic boring messages:

“Good Morning, How are you? I’m William and you are ?” In the hour between my last logon and him sending this message, this guy’s account was deleted, probably for sending spam. So I know nothing about him.

“Hi how are you doing today
My name is Greg” He lives three hours away, and he’s a terrible match.

“hello there how are u doing”  He lives an hour away, but he’s not at all a match.

 “Good afternoon how are you doing today” He lives three hours away. His username included the phrase “lovepotion.”

Then there are the guys whose English is rather unique:

“Hello, what do you seek on the website ?” He lives four hours away, and that’s spammer grammar.

“So happy together a response your story is so open and honest I know I’m kinda wonder why the older I get know it’s will work long as we don’t worries but still think when will I get oral 69 help her toys tongues kissing swapping our wonderfully necktor yes I am oversexed on a good day I will cum 5 times. Read yours almost alike a guess i need get pics of my self . Can show butt and cock yes love to see pics of you I know we all want sex .Tell me what turns you on Stephen.” He’s local and in my age range, but his profile was as nonsensical as this message. No.

“hello beautiful!!! you shot the sky!!!! my apologies.. my name is Ryan… goodevening” He’s a native of the UK living in Germany. I still don’t know what he meant, though!

“Hello Beautiful I like your smile , How are you doing and how was your day ?Am Lawrence and how about you ? Am new on this dating site thing I found your profile very interesting and I like what I have read and decided to send you a note, hope you don’t mind. I would love to talk to you and learn more about you if that’s fine with you. I was wondering if you could read my profile and hit me back if you are interested..All good relationship start with friendship” He’s four hours away, and this is generic spam.

And then we have the guys who are clearly only interested in sex:

“Hello Nice legs…” He’s from France.

“Hi there I’m Mark. I’m wondering if we can chat about any shared interests in common from the sex questions category lol.I just like someone to talk with. I love sending pics too.would you mind?” He’s not local, and even if he was, the answer would still be no. I don’t exist to serve men’s sexting needs. Seriously, talk to me about something else first!

“Hello from Master John I like to know you better Submissive” Nothing like being objectified into a category to make me want to message with a guy. From his profile, it’s clear that English is not his first language. He also had no location listed, so he may have been messaging me from the other side of the planet.

“i m looking for a Friend and sex Partner.
A women whom hv high emotions and sexual desires and fantasies …
are u open to chat ?” He lives in Arkansas. The number of men looking for cybersex lately has been ridiculous!

And my favorite of the week:

“Would you like a cuckold boyfriend” He’s local and a decent match with the exception of his kink. I’m just amazed at how many men are unclear on the concept of “monogamous.” (If you aren’t familiar with cuckold relationships, see here.)

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Squeal Like a Dolphin

One of the popular dating sites has a series of questions that users can answer to help them determine whether or not potential dates would be good matches. One of the more amusing questions is, “While in the middle of the best lovemaking of your life, if your lover asked you to squeal like a dolphin, would you?”

While this initially seems like a completely ridiculous question, it’s actually one that is very revealing and which can tell you a lot about the person answering it. Quite a few men answer, “No way!” and then go off on a rant about how ridiculous this request is. While that seems true on one level, it also shows that the men have no sense of humor and how unlikely they are to be willing to meet their partners’ needs.

The men I prefer tend to answer the question “Absolutely!” They usually follow the multiple choice answer with a free-form response along the lines of, “I’d probably die laughing and ruin the moment, but I’d be happy to comply.” This tells me clearly that the men have a sense of humor which is something vital to survival in life and which makes relationships a lot more fun.

This also tells me that this man is going to be willing to give in a sexual relationship, not just take. He’s going to be willing to meet my needs even if I want to do something completely absurd because satisfying me sexually is something important to him. That’s really important. I’ve been in a sexual relationship where my partner was only interested in meeting my needs if they aligned with his. Anything I wanted to do that he didn’t desire was completely off-limits. That made for a horrible sexual relationship, and it’s something I never want to repeat. Give me a man who squeals like a dolphin over that any day!

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com

Disrespecting Monogamy

I am monogamous. This is as core to me as the facts that I am heterosexual and cisgender. I don’t do multiple romantic relationships at once. I know this about myself, and I know that I need to be partnered with someone who is equally monogamous.

That doesn’t mean I don’t understand non-monogamy. I suspect a very large percentage of the population is naturally non-monogamous just as a large percentage of the population is naturally homosexual and naturally transgender. It’s who we are and how we were born. I respect everyone’s rights to identify as they do and to practice sexuality as they do (as long as everyone can give consent). In return, I expect the same respect for my monogamy, heterosexuality, and gender identity.

Our liberal society often makes jokes about gays trying to convert straights because it is such a huge conservative fear. I often banter with a queer friend of mine because they haven’t managed to convert me after being friends for half of forever. They must not be trying hard enough! I have never had a gay woman try to convert me or even hit on me. It’s a non-issue and a ridiculous fear on the part of conservatives.

Yet despite the respect I experience between those of differing sexual orientations, I don’t experience it from non-monogamous men. It’s something that has gotten ridiculous. I very clearly announce on my dating and Fetlife profiles in capital letters that I am MONOGAMOUS. That seems to challenge non-monogamous men. They interpret that as a “convert me!” request. It’s not. I’m happy as I am.

If I’m willing to respect others’ rights to be non-monogamous, why is it so hard for them to respect my right to be monogamous? I’ve tried a non-monogamous situation (more than once), and it is not for me. I need, want, and crave monogamy. No matter how hard they try, the non-monogamous men are not going to change me on this one. So why can’t they simply respect that?

What bothers me most of all is the number of men lately who have lied to me about their non-monogamy practices despite me being very clear that I don’t engage in non-monogamous relationships. Do they really think that I’m going to stay in a relationship with them when I find out they aren’t being monogamous with me? I won’t. It’s as simple as that.

I’m also befuddled by the men who don’t understand the meaning of monogamy. If you are dating someone else, you can’t be monogamous with me. If you are partnered with someone else, you can’t be monogamous with me even if there’s no sex happening in that other relationship. I don’t just want sexual monogamy. I want romantic monogamy. I want emotional monogamy. I want a one-on-one relationship with one man who wants to be with one woman. Yes, we’ll have friends outside of each other, but we will be each other’s only partner. Why is that so hard to understand? Why is it so challenging to find in the kinky community?

©2017 WoodLeatherLace.com